Author sumdude Posted April 23, 2007 Author Share Posted April 23, 2007 IMHO ~ you're not ready to start dating again. IMHO you need to give yourself a good year or two after the ink is dried on the "D" papers before starting dating again ~ as a general rule. You, like I are addicted to "love" Overcome your addictions, master yourself first! Yep.... it's not easy being an old school romantic man in this modern world. Suddenly I'll catch myself imagining seeing the STBX and us falling back together.. Damn it still hurts. Why the hell do I have to still love her? Can't seem to control feeling that last shred of hope. Rationally I'm letting go. But every once in a while that impulse to go find her and try to pull off the hollywood reunion ending creeps in. I won't do it but taking that risk can be tempting ... not like I would make things that much worse in trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I'm not really having big issues with wanting to drink. I find a lot of the people at meetings kind of creepy. What.. Your not like them ?? This is what we call denial.. and or BUD.. Building up to drink.. So last week I went ahead and posted an ad on a dating site to see what happens.. First you aren't even divorced and really you shouldn't be getting into any new relationships till your sobriety is on an even keel Overcome your addictions, master yourself first! Agreed.. one year.. Also I would like to add.. I think you're doing great.. you have come very far.. but you need to be lead back onto the path.. Do you have a sponsor in the AA ? It sounds to me like you could use one.. All you have to do is either during the meeting ask for someone to sponsor you or after the meeting go up to someone that you like and know and ask them to. You seem to be dealing with some denial on your Alcoholism as well as you seem to be come down with stinking thinking.. Before long your meetings will go to every 2 weeks then once a month .. then boom a slip and you have to start all over.. A sponsor can help you when you start falling into the BUD or building up to drink.. You may not realize it.. But I see it... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I wanted to post this for you.. http://www.kolmac.com/straight-thinking.htm Scroll on down to Relapse..and read.. The whole page is really a good page though.. Your sobriety still needs to be the most important thing in your life at this point.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 23, 2007 Author Share Posted April 23, 2007 Hi AC, long time no hear. What.. Your not like them ?? Well, being an individual I'm not really like anyone else. I'm stating my observations, maybe it's the meetings I go to. A lot of these folks have no life outside of work and AA. I have a hard time connecting with many of them. This is what we call denial.. and or BUD.. Building up to drink.. Could be.. First you aren't even divorced and really you shouldn't be getting into any new relationships till your sobriety is on an even keel True, but keeping options open isn't so bad either. And how exactly do you know it's on an 'even keel'.. Only by going to AA every day of your life? Agreed.. one year.. Also I would like to add.. I think you're doing great.. you have come very far.. but you need to be lead back onto the path.. Do you have a sponsor in the AA ? It sounds to me like you could use one.. All you have to do is either during the meeting ask for someone to sponsor you or after the meeting go up to someone that you like and know and ask them to. You seem to be dealing with some denial on your Alcoholism as well as you seem to be come down with stinking thinking.. Before long your meetings will go to every 2 weeks then once a month .. then boom a slip and you have to start all over.. A sponsor can help you when you start falling into the BUD or building up to drink.. You may not realize it.. But I see it... No sponsor yet. Oy vey... One about AA that still gets to me at times is the same thing about most organised religions, cults etc. That damned belief of the only one true path and anyone who disagrees is some sort of heretic or doomed. The whole indoctrination, the catchwords, the certainty that we're somehow all the same or should be. I still go though.. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I still go though.. This is good..and carries a great deal of importance One about AA that still gets to me at times is the same thing about most organised religions, cults etc. That damned belief of the only one true path and anyone who disagrees is some sort of heretic or doomed. The whole indoctrination, the catchwords, the certainty that we're somehow all the same or should be. Does it really matter ? it works and you are still sober.. that is what should matter.. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do to stay sober ... AA isn't brainwashing you.. it is helping you stay sober.. Keep on keeping on SD.. No matter how you cut it you have done something a lot drunks never do and should be proud.. I really was pointing out that I see a pattern of stinking thinking and just wanted to air my concerns.. as I'm afraid that if you don't get some guidance you will slip.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 23, 2007 Author Share Posted April 23, 2007 Keep on keeping on SD.. No matter how you cut it you have done something a lot drunks never do and should be proud.. I really was pointing out that I see a pattern of stinking thinking and just wanted to air my concerns.. as I'm afraid that if you don't get some guidance you will slip.. Thanks, I appreciate it. I have to catch myself too. Say 'alcoholic' and people make 100,000 assumptions about you when they hear it. Most of them wrong. Today I'm just tired and hurtin'. Life keeps throwin' me some fairly hard punches but I'm still standing. Really need some good rest tonight I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 You need to break free of bi-polar logic ~ either something is a yes or no, black or white. IMHO, you're already there. You're just not fully cognizant of it. You're not fully appreciative of it. AS a musician you're cognizant of it. You know its there, you just don't know how to deal or handle it. Same deal here, exploring the multi-plexities of life ~ the matrix of life if you were is a scary thing Seeking to understand the "matrix" of life is what makes great song writers, poets, and authors ~ GREAT! You've the potential to be an amazing person ~ if you but try. If you just can get yourself and your life "kick-started" Get off your azz, and get your act together ~ Dude Suck it up and deal with it! Get busy with the business of dealing with what life throws at you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 23, 2007 Author Share Posted April 23, 2007 You need to break free of bi-polar logic ~ either something is a yes or no, black or white. IMHO, you're already there. You're just not fully cognizant of it. You're not fully appreciative of it. AS a musician you're cognizant of it. You know its there, you just don't know how to deal or handle it. Same deal here, exploring the multi-plexities of life ~ the matrix of life if you were is a scary thing Seeking to understand the "matrix" of life is what makes great song writers, poets, and authors ~ GREAT! You've the potential to be an amazing person ~ if you but try. If you just can get yourself and your life "kick-started" Get off your azz, and get your act together ~ Dude Suck it up and deal with it! Get busy with the business of dealing with what life throws at you! I think I know what you're getting at... I see most of life as grey areas. I need sleep, 4 hrs or so a night this week. Energy levels are down so are my defenses a bit. A good nights sleep oughta get me back on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 This is good..and carries a great deal of importance Does it really matter ? it works and you are still sober.. that is what should matter.. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do to stay sober ... AA isn't brainwashing you.. it is helping you stay sober.. Keep on keeping on SD.. No matter how you cut it you have done something a lot drunks never do and should be proud.. I really was pointing out that I see a pattern of stinking thinking and just wanted to air my concerns.. as I'm afraid that if you don't get some guidance you will slip.. You know, listen to AC- he's got alot of good information. Sum- I know it has to be hard to be at a bar with people who are drinking- my own father has been sober for over 35 years but he still struggles with wanting a drink from time to time. He doesn't even like to go into a bar that serves food where all the blinking beer signs are AC is right that your sobriety should be your first concern during the first year of being sober. You are definitely not in the place emotionally to be seeking another relationship. Wouldn't it be better to come out of this after a year of sobriety and really working on yourself and THEN try to meet an awesome woman?? That way you'd truly be ready and it would be fair to the other person. Right now it's not fair to another woman to get caught up in all of this- getting sober- and going through a divorce. Seriously think about this, SD. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 24, 2007 Author Share Posted April 24, 2007 You know, listen to AC- he's got alot of good information. Sum- I know it has to be hard to be at a bar with people who are drinking- my own father has been sober for over 35 years but he still struggles with wanting a drink from time to time. He doesn't even like to go into a bar that serves food where all the blinking beer signs are AC is right that your sobriety should be your first concern during the first year of being sober. You are definitely not in the place emotionally to be seeking another relationship. Wouldn't it be better to come out of this after a year of sobriety and really working on yourself and THEN try to meet an awesome woman?? That way you'd truly be ready and it would be fair to the other person. Right now it's not fair to another woman to get caught up in all of this- getting sober- and going through a divorce. Seriously think about this, SD. I hear ya... the last couple years have given me a major perspective change. In two years... ... engaged - planned wedding - Got married - Watched my mom slowly die of cancer, I was the one to close her eyes when she passed - Fell into drinking - Tried to have a child and wife had fertility problems - Family problems with sister and others - Marriage problems - Stopped drinking - My wife left me - My brother & his wife now having problems - My dad is now in the hospital and slowly slipping with a bad heart ...and i'm in a divorce. All I can see is that life is so incredibly short and at any moment someone or something can just shred what you think your life is. Of course you have to face the problems and challenges head on. So I think carpe diem for it may be the one one chance to grab a piece of life. I'm reevaluating everything, changing priorites. I feel like I can't stand waiting for things to happen for me anymore. I sat the backseat of my own life for too long, I'm 39 and at best halfway through this mortal coil. My reserve of patience has been all used up. I hear the Pink Floyd song 'Time' ringing in my head. ...Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.... ... then one day you find that ten years have got behind you No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun... I'm not looking for a major relationship at all but this dude could REALLY REALLY use some fun right about now and will be straight up and honest about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 25, 2007 Author Share Posted April 25, 2007 Odd thing happened yesteday. A package from a mail order catalog came to the house for the STBX.. Why in the world would she have it shipped here? Seems like once a week there's some sort of reminder of her. Oh well, not going to worry about it...wonder if I should let her know? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 ...wonder if I should let her know? Can you drop it off with a third party? You're doing so well in NC that I'm thinking you shouldn't give her any access to you yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 25, 2007 Author Share Posted April 25, 2007 Can you drop it off with a third party? You're doing so well in NC that I'm thinking you shouldn't give her any access to you yet. Hmm.. I don't know who I could drop it with. Sure I could leave it at some friends place but either way there will have to be contact to let her know where. Not like any of my friends nearby are in touch with her. Yeah, it's funny how a little thing like this can wind up the old roller coaster, even if just a little bit. Right now I have enough to deal with having my dad in the hospital so I'll let it go for now. IF she wants it she'll have to contact me. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Odd thing happened yesteday. A package from a mail order catalog came to the house for the STBX.. Why in the world would she have it shipped here? Seems like once a week there's some sort of reminder of her. Oh well, not going to worry about it...wonder if I should let her know? Do you have her address, you could have it forwarded to her and you wouldn't have to speak or see her that way. You could really piss her off & have it sent back. Sorry she doesn't live there anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 25, 2007 Author Share Posted April 25, 2007 Do you have her address, you could have it forwarded to her and you wouldn't have to speak or see her that way. You could really piss her off & have it sent back. Sorry she doesn't live there anymore. Well I could but I would have to pay for shipping it ... I'm not her mail room I'm not into pissing her off .... just leaving HER hanging for a change... Link to post Share on other sites
hurting_in_nw Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Dude just write "No longer at this address on it" and put it in the mailbox. You won't have to pay anything. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Well I could but I would have to pay for shipping it ... I'm not her mail room I'm not into pissing her off .... just leaving HER hanging for a change... No, you're not her mail room. Still, you would not have to pay anything for the item to be returned. "Recipient not at this address" and back in the mailbox. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 26, 2007 Author Share Posted April 26, 2007 No, you're not her mail room. Still, you would not have to pay anything for the item to be returned. "Recipient not at this address" and back in the mailbox. It's a pretty big box... not post office delivery, UPS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 26, 2007 Author Share Posted April 26, 2007 So she called, let her leave a msg. The box was shipped to the wrong address, she asked if i would stick a new UPS label they'll send and call UPS to pick it up. Her voice was so cold and hard.... brought up so many emotions.. anger mostly. Damn this crap! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 27, 2007 Author Share Posted April 27, 2007 It's so damn bizzare. I returned her call about the package. We ended up on the phone for an hour just having a conversation. Like nothings wrong... Talked about stuff going on in our lives.. ahhhhhhhrgh! I have no idea how to feel. It's nuts! Here I am going through this stuff and we're talking like it's all normal?? So part of me feels good, it was nice to talk to her...the other part is going wacko because I miss the hell out of her still! I'm still PO'd but I don't hate her. I think as time goes on that maybe there is nothing going on with the guy she moved into the house with but almost every single action she took before and after leaving made it look like exactly that... but she can't seem to see it that way. So all I can figure is ... it was a bad year and a half with me and drinking, all the things that happened with my mom, sister, trying to have a kid etc... She had some mid life crisis or whatever. Now she just wants to be single...or at least just not living with me? We've both changed the way we live our lives in apparetnly healthy ways.. Now we're just freinds?.. dammit Just like that..'poof'... she just doesn't want to be married anymore...like it's almost nothing. Oddly enough i feel some sort of relief from the conversation, at least at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 sumdude, I bet your wife checked out of the marriage months before she actually left. All of her actions since have indicated that she is serious about not coming back. That does hurt because you didn't really see it coming. You were married for two years, right? Be glad that you didn't spend 20 years to get to the same ending. You still have a lot of life to live, buddy, and there's a lady out there just waiting while you get your act together and become the perfect man for her. You are going to be so happy, and that will be sooner rather than later. One day you will look back and wonder why you were ever with STBXW. I promise that to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sumdude Posted April 27, 2007 Author Share Posted April 27, 2007 sumdude, I bet your wife checked out of the marriage months before she actually left. All of her actions since have indicated that she is serious about not coming back. That does hurt because you didn't really see it coming. You were married for two years, right? Be glad that you didn't spend 20 years to get to the same ending. You still have a lot of life to live, buddy, and there's a lady out there just waiting while you get your act together and become the perfect man for her. You are going to be so happy, and that will be sooner rather than later. One day you will look back and wonder why you were ever with STBXW. I promise that to you. *sigh* Yeah, I get it DDL and thanks. We were together 7 1/2 years. Right at that magic seven she checked out, like clockwork that number. I'm OK, just ... melancholy...that little ember of hope is hard to douse whether I talk to her or not. I don't doubt that there can be someone else for me, it's a big world. It's not like I don't have a lot to offer. I guess I am at least starting to level off. Just that I'm pretty sure that if she just gave it a shot we could have a damn good thing again...but i can't change that so onward and upward I must go. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 It makes me wonder about what it is about the 7 year itch. Just about everyone I know has gone through it, though most survived it. Does it happen again at 14 years??? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 With the modern pace of life~ the internet, cell phones, texting. etc ~ its not the seven year itch ~ its the four year itch. Dude? Let it go! Just let it go! Just let it go! Its "UP" Aganist the Wall you Redneck Muthers!" Save yourself! Just let it go! Link to post Share on other sites
azianpride143 Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 Dude at least she is out the house. Mine is still here. Just keep on chugging. You will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
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