OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[dropdeadlegs]

Yep, time is a healer. I spend the first 3-4 months in a total funk and it seems to take me about 18 months to really move on. That's based on two marriages where each had a time together of about 8 years.

[sumdude]

Yeah Gunny, I'm taking my time but I also want to git 'er done asap. We'll see how it all pans out. Just working on ME right now.

 

I was thinking about this post from a while back ... She's added a whole new set of problems in our marriage since then but I still think you were pretty spot on with it.

 

BTW I did follow your advice at the time and told her I was setting her free too.

 

Its hard to say through this medium, and without being up close and personal ~ but it sounds like you're dealing with "damaged goods" and the only thing you can do is to accept things as they are and move on in your recovery.

 

I believe that your drinking ~ fueled her own insecurities in herself ~ thus its not about you, but about your issues + her issues became more than she could handle. Thus, the "I don't want anybody, (because she's all she can handle right now!)

 

Sounds like she's being honest about trying to get her head and life together and dealing with her issues in life. In other words, she's got her head wrapped around the concept that she's got to deal with "her" issues, before she can even begin to deal with somone elses and be in a realtionship.

 

I'd call her over, and tell her that I was setting her free of me.

 

To go out and find herself, and that I would do the same, and work on my soberity. And, maybe one day we might get back together. It sounds to me that she loves you, but she needs your permission to let her go and to let go of you.

 

That's my call on the ball!

 

There's still this whole idea of being freinds and decent to each other that continues. Even though she pretty much went off last night I accepted it as giving her an opportunity to vent to me finally as well as maybe I'd learn something too.

[sumdude]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (manaical laughter)

 

They're all the same!

[dropdeadlegs]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (manaical laughter)

 

They're all the same!

I'm not sure whether to be happy, or concerned....

 

Still, it was good to see you laugh!

[sumdude]

I'm not sure whether to be happy, or concerned....

 

Still, it was good to see you laugh!

 

Oh I'm fine... Just let a conversation go too long with the STBX (aka sumbit*h)... She stuck right with the typical WWS script. Wanted us to be freindly but to be sure I didn't get any false hopes. Taking little obtuse digs at me, painting the whole relationship that she was NEVER happy blah, blah blah. Then of course the topic of $$$ and how she feels she owes nothing because she already paid emotionally yada yada yada... It rocked me for a few minutes then I got over it.

 

LJ as usual is right on....

[Ladyjane14]

Sorry, hon. :(

I know you were hoping for something a bit more mature from her in the way of closure.

[dropdeadlegs]

Sometimes it's good to talk to the STBX. I've had many conversations that cemented that the relationship was OVER in my past. When I was entertaining thoughts of reconciliation (my fantasy version, of course) it put me back in reality PDQ.

 

I still think NC is very valuable, but I often needed a swift kick to put me firmly back in place.

[sumdude]

Sorry, hon. :(

I know you were hoping for something a bit more mature from her in the way of closure.

 

 

Yeah, oh well. Looks like there were 3 issues for her.

 

1. That I didn't stand up and protect her from my mom & sister's harshness over and over. Even after she let me know how much it bothered her. She cannot now trust that could ever change.

 

2. That I didn't want to spend holidays with her family.

 

3. The drinking.

 

I'll agree to a point with #1. I always knew inside that I should have kept any woman I was interested in at a distance from my family. We were way to close for comfort. Believe me, my mom was the controlling, critical type and no one could ever be good enough unless hand picked by her. My family is Ukrainian and I was always expected to marry a Ukrainian. My sister is a bitter old maid. This isn't just me buying what the X is selling... My mom helped destroy my sister's one LTR years back. I seemed to have followed the exact same path as her but the difference is my sister never let go and recover. So she played into this whole game because misery loves company.

 

Well, that's that... I'm Ok with myself. I made some mistakes and I'm through paying for them. She takes minimal resposibility for things. She'll say she messed up by not standing up for herself early on to avoid these problems.

 

Again I know I don't need her. Sucks it all fell apart. Stuff happened, it's over and I have now and the rest of my life to enjoy.

[sumdude]

Had a long day....

 

So we had lunch. It was pretty decent. Just ate and chatted. Avoided all talk about the relationship and divorce. Exchanged the things we needed to. She complimented me again on how I look. Funny, we had a little goodbye hug. When she felt my hard back and chest muscles she let out one of those little aprreciative grunts... kinda sexy . That felt good.

 

Still.... nothing has changed. She still wants a divorce. When she tells me why she won't come back it sounds like she's convincing herself and me at the same time. So be it.

 

The irony is that we've both become so much more into working out, the way we eat and general lifestyle that we may be more compatible than ever. Life is just like that sometimes. I just have to laugh a little ...

 

Went shopping for clothes that fit. I've gone down three sizes in as many months so that was cool.

 

After that I went to the wake for our family freind. That was hard, he really was a great guy. I ended up sitting behind his wife of almost 50 years. They got it right and I couldn't help but feel my own pain pop up a bit. I left fairly quickly... wasn't ready to talk to most of the people there who were at the wedding just yet.

 

Later I went to a club where a freinds band was playing and some folks who hadn't seen me in months were also hanging out. They were all amazed at how I look and those that didn't know about the separation were shocked about it. The ladies were kinda all over me... LOL. I'm definitely not ready for anything though.

 

Strange though... with all the changes I've been through I don't feel quite the same connection with a lot of people... Part of it is probably the fact they were drinking and I wasn't but it seems to be more than that. More like I'm moving on in my life in a lot of ways.

 

So I'm getting ready to leave for NJ and my neices first communion ceremony.. I just keep moving and I kind of like that.

[sumdude]

Well I just had to post an update... Things have been slightly... interesting. Mind you I'm working hard at not allowing myself to get set up for another fall here. I'm finding it all somewhat confusing ... and amusing.

 

I went to NJ for my niece's first communion. That went OK. It was a little bit uncomfortable seeing the whole family for the first time since STBX left me. But I handled it pretty well, explained things not in much detail but the general gist.

 

STBX is calling me a fair amount lately. Called me on Monday and found another reason for us to meet. Something about having a bike lock that I had the key for and did I want the lock back? Also wanted CD copies of our digital photos. First she mentioned Thursday but I told her I was busy so we set it up for next Monday. She called again that same day, just chatting ... the second time said she would call me one more time later but I told her I would be busy at the gym without the cell phone.

 

She called again this morning. I let it ring, she left a msg that she didn't need the CDs anymore but would still bring by the lock next week. Then calls me again later to check if I got the message. Then started chatting on about her day at work... here's the funny part. I know it means nothing but...

 

She : "So I have to get back to work , have a meeting coming up."

Me: "OK."

She : " Bye, I love y..... (choked off .. some silence)

Me : " What ?" (it was hard to understand but I know what came out of her mouth)

She: " Um.. nothing, old habits die hard."

Me : " Alright, you take care of yourself. "

She : "OK Sumdude, you take care of yourself too."

 

Yeesh, women.... I do think it was probably old habit. But the subconscious is a funny thing.. She hasn't said that to me in a couple months.. I didn't really react to it though. I will not allow myself to start up the hope wagon.

[sumdude]

Hmmm... no comments from the board lately? Just curious if I'm being foolish on some of this. She is initiating all this contact and I'm keeping my emotional distance from it as well as possible. I'm wondering if it would still be best to go NC again after this Monday.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm wondering if it would still be best to go NC again after this Monday.

 

I guess it all depends on what YOU want from a post-divorce relationship with her. Clearly, you two are still headed down that path. There hasn't been anything substantial that would indicate otherwise.

 

I think her frequent contact with you is most likely about assuaging her own conscience and being lonely. She's used to having you around.

[sumdude]

I guess it all depends on what YOU want from a post-divorce relationship with her. Clearly, you two are still headed down that path. There hasn't been anything substantial that would indicate otherwise.

 

I think her frequent contact with you is most likely about assuaging her own conscience and being lonely. She's used to having you around.

 

 

That is the question I suppose. Her little "I love you" slip.... was probably just that. Her conscience huh... she thinks she's doing me a favor or something? As far as her being lonely and used to me being around... she should have thought of that before being so sure about getting divorced! She seems confused internally and emotionally but is sticking to her rational decision and that's what I'm going with. If she misses me... then she probably needs to miss me a lot more.

 

This being freinds thing... her wanting some part of the relationship without the rest.... I really don't know about it. Seems like it would make moving on more difficult. I try to imagine some future time when I'm seeing someone and the phone rings.... "Who's that?" "Oh my ex-wife, we're still freinds."

 

As if she wants me to still fill certain EN's from a distance. What do I get out of it? Another reminder of a failed marriage and what ifs? I'll just play it cool and see how it pans out..... for the moment.

[ilmw]

That is the question I suppose. Her little "I love you" slip.... was probably just that. Her conscience huh... she thinks she's doing me a favor or something? As far as her being lonely and used to me being around... she should have thought of that before being so sure about getting divorced! She seems confused internally and emotionally but is sticking to her rational decision and that's what I'm going with. If she misses me... then she probably needs to miss me a lot more.

 

This being freinds thing... her wanting some part of the relationship without the rest.... I really don't know about it. Seems like it would make moving on more difficult. I try to imagine some future time when I'm seeing someone and the phone rings.... "Who's that?" "Oh my ex-wife, we're still freinds."

 

As if she wants me to still fill certain EN's from a distance. What do I get out of it? Another reminder of a failed marriage and what ifs? I'll just play it cool and see how it pans out..... for the moment.

 

Its all you can do bud... stay cool calm and collected... keep your head up high...

 

Don't initiate anything.. and be scarce with your time.. when it comes to her. Same stuff you already know... and I KNOW WE ALL HAVE TO BE REMINDED ... been there.. done that..

 

ilmw

[Ladyjane14]

... she thinks she's doing me a favor or something?

 

They usually do.

 

Lakeside just posted something on another thread which goes to show how self-absorbed some people can be. She probably really does think she's doing you a favor by letting you down gently. I doubt she even realizes she's feeding her ENs at your expense.

[sumdude]

They usually do.

 

Lakeside just posted something on another thread which goes to show how self-absorbed some people can be. She probably really does think she's doing you a favor by letting you down gently. I doubt she even realizes she's feeding her ENs at your expense.

 

Yep some favor... well Mr. R will hit her at some point. I'll find a way to keep a lot more distance wihtout being an a**. It's not costing me much to keep minimal contact ... find some way to play with her. I'll have to work up some sort of surprise. Going to a wedding tomorrow, I'll have to dance up and talk up some of the ladies there.

[sumdude]

Well ... as far as surprises she got the jump on me... Just came by unannounced dropped off the stuff and left. Her 'roommate' was in the car waiting. F*** it, it's over. I already knew that but this seemed to be like the period at the end of the sentence. A quick blast of rage and I move on.

[Ladyjane14]

A quick blast of rage and I move on.

 

With lonely bridesmaids too. Hell yeeeaahh!!! :lmao:

 

 

Listen kiddo.... You made some mistakes, that's true. But you've done EVERYTHING that's been asked of you in order to rectify those mistakes. There's nothing more a guy can do than that. You did your thing, right?

 

I honestly believe your STBX is missing out and that it's gonna be her loss in the end. You've learned soooooo much through this process. Some woman is going to come along and appreciate that.

[sumdude]

With lonely bridesmaids too. Hell yeeeaahh!!! :lmao:

 

 

Listen kiddo.... You made some mistakes, that's true. But you've done EVERYTHING that's been asked of you in order to rectify those mistakes. There's nothing more a guy can do than that. You did your thing, right?

 

I honestly believe your STBX is missing out and that it's gonna be her loss in the end. You've learned soooooo much through this process. Some woman is going to come along and appreciate that.

 

tnx LJ, you are a most wise and compassionate woman! You H is wayy lucky to have you. :bunny:

 

I feel some anger and sense of loss but it's passing very quickly. There are no tears left, I even looked hard for them and they weren't there... also some relief at this point. I'm even smiling a bit as I type. This sudden move on her part smacks of some pressure she must be feeling or getting but who cares anymore right?

 

Funny thing, I was listening to some B.B. King blues when she walked in. As she's standing there's he's singin'

 

"Oh you're evil woman and you've lost your good thing now.."

 

It seems like this whole time the music has been tellin' me something?

 

If someone were to come along ... say tomorrow looking for a light duty fun time I think I would be OK with it now. As long as everyone knows the deal. I know a lot of people recommend a longer waiting period but WTF life's too short. No kids to worry about so to hell with it. A man should have options.

 

Here's one that says it all... i especially like the last verse.

 

B.B. King "The Thrill is Gone"

 

The thrill is gone

The thrill is gone away

The thrill is gone baby

The thrill is gone away

You know you done me wrong baby

And you'll be sorry someday

 

The thrill is gone

It's gone away from me

The thrill is gone baby

The thrill is gone away from me

Although I'll still live on

But so lonely I'll be

 

The thrill is gone

It's gone away for good

Oh, the thrill is gone baby

Baby its gone away for good

Someday I know I'll be over it all baby

Just like I know a man should

 

You know I'm free, free now baby

I'm free from your spell

I'm free, free now

I'm free from your spell

And now that it's over

All I can do is wish you well

[Gunny376]

1. Learn thyself!

 

2. Know thyself!

 

3. Overcome thyself!

 

4. Identify your weaknesses, and seek to overcome them!

 

5. Conquer yourself

 

6. Adapt, improvise and overcome ~ fake it until you make it!

 

7. "To thy ownself ~ be true!"

[sumdude]

1. Learn thyself!

 

2. Know thyself!

 

3. Overcome thyself!

 

4. Identify your weaknesses, and seek to overcome them!

 

5. Conquer yourself

 

6. Adapt, improvise and overcome ~ fake it until you make it!

 

7. "To thy ownself ~ be true!"

 

To fight the good fight.

 

So I went to the wedding. It was OK, up and down. First one I've been since my own just 2 years ago. Getting the seating card and sitting next to the empty chair at the table was ... well you know. Now the ironies of life... later there was an after reception at a hotel lounge where the new couple was staying. As I'm following the cars there I realize .... OH SH**! ... this is the same hotel where I spent my wedding night! That really messed me up for a few minutes. I almost didn't go in ... but I had to face it and stay with people. Otherwise why go home and brood about it more?

 

I was thinking how much easier she made it for herself. Just move away from everything and all the reminders .... run away and hide. Me I have to face all those things every day. But she can't run from herself can she?

[ilmw]

To fight the good fight.

 

So I went to the wedding. It was OK, up and down. First one I've been since my own just 2 years ago. Getting the seating card and sitting next to the empty chair at the table was ... well you know. Now the ironies of life... later there was an after reception at a hotel lounge where the new couple was staying. As I'm following the cars there I realize .... OH SH**! ... this is the same hotel where I spent my wedding night! That really messed me up for a few minutes. I almost didn't go in ... but I had to face it and stay with people. Otherwise why go home and brood about it more?

 

I was thinking how much easier she made it for herself. Just move away from everything and all the reminders .... run away and hide. Me I have to face all those things every day. But she can't run from herself can she?

 

Your right.. she can't... but by you facing these things now... you will heal all the faster.. be a head of the game...

 

Facing the fire of adversity.. strife...pain.. anger.. and sorrow... makes you stronger.. Like STEEL..!

[mammax3]

Seriously sumdude.

 

The pain she continually inflicts by calling to chat, dropping off stupid things (sorry, but the bike lock?) and then bringing buddy by?? I don't think I could take it. Since there *are* no kids involved, I'd go NC (if you're looking for opinions). My WH and I email or call on the phone regarding children and finances but very rarely... and we're in a bit of a different situation. I'd love to call him and 'chat' since that was so much of my day, but I will not (similar to you not chatting with her). I think I'd go crazy if he was calling and telling me about the days he had without me, how life is so okay without the kids... I'd feel way more hope too, and it's easy to nurture hope in the absence of interaction (I was a case in point) let alone while normalish things are happening such as seeing each other and chatting with some regularity.

 

I think LJ's right. You're still filling some of her EN's and as long as you continue to provide that, she'll keep calling and coming by. If you let the machine pick up her calls, and only return the ones that are important to you (finances etc) then you'll feel more in control and she'll realize she has to stop calling. I understand why you just wouldn't say "stop calling". I don't think i could either.

 

Good luck. I am watching your thread, although I don't post much... I'm still too new at this whole separation thing, I think, to offer much...

[sumdude]

Seriously sumdude.

 

The pain she continually inflicts by calling to chat, dropping off stupid things (sorry, but the bike lock?) and then bringing buddy by?? I don't think I could take it. Since there *are* no kids involved, I'd go NC (if you're looking for opinions).

 

I think LJ's right. You're still filling some of her EN's and as long as you continue to provide that, she'll keep calling and coming by. If you let the machine pick up her calls, and only return the ones that are important to you (finances etc) then you'll feel more in control and she'll realize she has to stop calling. I understand why you just wouldn't say "stop calling". I don't think i could either.

 

Good luck. I am watching your thread, although I don't post much... I'm still too new at this whole separation thing, I think, to offer much...

 

Now that I look at it the bike lock was just the cover story... What she was really dropping off was our little fire safe ... with the negatives and data disks of our wedding in it.

 

Nice little manuever there eh? Talk about dramatic symbolism ... question is what the hell was her meaning?? She couldn't even wait three days to do it.

[sumdude]

This entire weekend was just so long. Friday night her surpise visit. Saturday that wedding. Sunday was Mother's Day. In the AM I went to my mother's grave for the first time since her burial. Left some flowers and had a long emotional talk.

 

A couple invited me over to spend some time with them about an hour away. Started out as a nice time .... but later something went down and they were having some marital issue so I left.

 

Today I have this feeling ... that I'm just done with her.....

 

Looking back I see the constant drama that always surrounded her and I don't need it or want it anymore. Real life has more than enough drama without someone creating it. It really drained me, her constant crisis mode behavior. Then when a REAL crisis came up she just couldn't handle it.

 

I think she has fallen into a situation where she is being heavily inflenced by other people. Semi cultish sort of behavior. Cutting all old contacts ... phrases like "I need to get rid of all toxic relationships." It all started out with Alanon and went downhill so fast, less than 2 months and she was gone. Occasionally people involved in what is usually a helpful program can have thier own agendas. Things can get weird. There are very good reasons that a sponsor of the opposite sex is frowned upon. Imagine a man who sees a vulnerable woman in that situation and has his own plans. I'm not the only one to make this observation of her behavior. I sure hope she knows WTF she is doing but I'm done! The whole thing is sad but there's nothing I can do. I did everything possible and then some.

 

Doesn't hurt that a coworker who is a tall and very attractive blond saw me today and says "Wow sumdude, you look gorgeous!"