OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[sumdude]

Geeting ready to head to my buddies an hour away. Haven't seen him in 6 months. Going to grill some steak and play some music, he's a drummer. Today I had to go buy new pants AGAIN. I've gone down 4 sizes in 4 months and wow I'm amazed. Haven't been this size since early high school. Starting to get that body builder look and lots of notice!

 

The last convo with the STBX we were attempting to negotiate settlement on Monday. Once again she started going on about how bad i made her feel , on and on again. I've taken all of that I can. I simply cannot apologize anymore, I have a million times. Her car isn't starting and money blah blah (knock , knock Mr Reality here) So a couple days later she sent an e-mail with an apology and said she didn't mean to keep losing it but can't help it She could if she chose to..

 

Then stated she was looking forward to getting the papers ... looking forward to it! LOL. What a thing to say. In that case I'll let her stew a little bit... No rush and things can't be finalized until late July anyway.

Thanked me for understanding where she was at in all of this. Understand? NO Accept? YES

She's lost her little friggin mind I tell you. I feel a little sorry for her but she made that bed to sleep in.

[Gunny376]

As I've said in a previous post ~ manning~up (to me at least) isn't about trying to control another person, its about taking "ownership" of yourself, of your faults, your short-comings, your failures. Identifying your weaknesses and seeking self improvement ~ and that's a prepetual thing! A life long thing. You'll know you've got it down right and "pat" the day they lay you in the ground.

 

With the STBXW, it sounds as though Mr. "R" has been paying her a visit. Personally, (and I believe that you've alluded to this before she's got emotional issues ~ if not mental ones.)

 

Since your into music ~ I would suggest you listen to a good old Southern band ~ by the name of .38 Special. They've got a lot of good "manning-up songs for real.

 

My all time favorite "manning-up" song? Van Morrisson ~ "Not Feeling It" (Anymore). Back in the day when I was going through the S*** I'd put that puppy on the CD player and hit "REPEAT" I would play it the first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night!

[sumdude]

Had a decent weekend at my buddies place. He's going through some relationship troubles with his girl of a few months. So we ended up having long talks about all this junk. PLayed some good blues and grilled some steak.

 

I'm staying NC for now and letting things go. Communication is so messed up and confusing with the STBX that I feel more time is needed for us to calm down before approaching this again.

 

In that same convo where she went after me about how much she's been hurt she also says things like.

 

" Part of me still loves you but I'm so twisted up."

 

and

 

" Someone will come along and make you really happy one day. "

 

Maybe this is just her guilt talking or who knows but making solid decisions and negotiating with all that is really hard to do. I simply cannot feel comfortable with any phone agreement made under emotional pressure. Neither of us can afford to go the lawyer vs. lawyer route so I'm hoping time will heal us and we can do a better job later on. Meet face to face to discuss these things at a later date.

[Gunny376]

Just take your time ~ you've got the rest of your life!

[sumdude]

It's strange to be almost starting all over again .... I went to an open mic thing tonight I used to go to. Sitting there I had a flashback to my early 20's sitting in about the same place ... during an uncomfortable time in my life.... and there I was again. Seemed for a minute like the only real difference is I'm not drinking. Like the last 10 - 15 years never happened. Around me were a bunch of guys who have been through the same crap... so many wounded people out there. Kind of sent me back into the disbelief/denial stage for a minute. I never wanted to experience that time in my life again.. Coming home to the empty house tonight ... feelin' a bit lonely but OK. Thought I had a partner for life to share and ended up with a taker.....

 

Everyone tells me how amazed they are at how I've handled things. How I'm looking and carrying on. I do feel some pride in that. But there are occasional moments when I don't even know who the hell I'm supposed to be.

 

I'll find the opportunites in my situation for sure. Need to be patient with myself.

[hurting_in_nw]

It's strange to be almost starting all over again .... I went to an open mic thing tonight I used to go to. Sitting there I had a flashback to my early 20's sitting in about the same place ... during an uncomfortable time in my life.... and there I was again. Seemed for a minute like the only real difference is I'm not drinking. Like the last 10 - 15 years never happened. Around me were a bunch of guys who have been through the same crap... so many wounded people out there. Kind of sent me back into the disbelief/denial stage for a minute. I never wanted to experience that time in my life again.. Coming home to the empty house tonight ... feelin' a bit lonely but OK. Thought I had a partner for life to share and ended up with a taker.....

 

Everyone tells me how amazed they are at how I've handled things. How I'm looking and carrying on. I do feel some pride in that. But there are occasional moments when I don't even know who the hell I'm supposed to be.

 

I'll find the opportunites in my situation for sure. Need to be patient with myself.

 

I know exactly what you're saying sumdude. But you know, I think you need to realize that you can't look for the future in the past...I think that's what happened, going to a familiar haunt stirred up memories of the past, of who you were, and clouded what the future can hold. Find a new place to hang out. Make it an adventure.

[sumdude]

I know exactly what you're saying sumdude. But you know, I think you need to realize that you can't look for the future in the past...I think that's what happened, going to a familiar haunt stirred up memories of the past, of who you were, and clouded what the future can hold. Find a new place to hang out. Make it an adventure.

 

Yeah I realized it was a bit of that "you can't go back' thing going on. Thing is I've lived in this town my whole life so it's next to impossible to find a new haunt... so to speak. But I have considered moving to the other side of town, maybe a but further out for a change at some point. That's what my STBX did and it seems to work for her.. Who knows, maybe a new town but no big changes just yet though, would seem rash right now.

[sumdude]

Whew, y'know a guy gets tired every once in a while.. Been slaying so many personal demons at the same time here. Sat back a bit today and looked at what i've been doing. All in all I'm doing pretty well. A lot of plates to keep spinning.

 

Taking down the drinking and addiction demon, hacking daily away at the weight and self image demon I've had all of my life, at the root of many is the self discipline demon. The divorce demon and dealing with the ex demon has been a bit back burner with holding the others at bay.

 

It's a good thing patience is something I've always had. Nothing is on paper yet.

 

Those who leave a marriage have had weeks, months or even years to make some plans. A decision has been made by them while you don;t even know it was on the plate. They've usually already had consultations with lawyers while you've been going on your daily business. Emotionally they've already been through more of the swings so while you're sitting there just trying to get your bearings in life they have you at a disadvantage. Often they'll have a new partner to support and help them. They are buoyed by their new feelings. They may use the power of emotional pressure and guilt to force your hand and gain advantage while you're forces aren't even mustered yet. This may or may not be intentional. It's all about perception.

 

For me it was like Pearl Harbor, a total sneak attack. Maybe there were some distant warning but her move out was essentially unexpected, swift, well planned and well executed. About 6 hours for the whole operation. Looking back I would say it was about a month in planning. The amount of deception leading up to that day was pretty heavy ... maybe that in of itself should have been enough to make me want it over anyway. Even if her original stated intentions to possibly work things out was honest the deception made it impossible to believe much of what she told me. Yet I held on... they say there is no good way to leave... But seems to me an ultimatum, a discussion, SOMETHING would have been in order after 7 1/2 years of a relationship. Bottom line is she didn't want to be deterred, diverted or otherwise detained from the mission she had chosen.

 

I will give her credit for giving me some props and a chance to deal with some things. Out of guilt, shame or even some sort of still caring. I also see that whether intentional or not a lot of what she has said and done over the last few months has kept me off balance. I've had so many other things on my plate.

 

Whoever wrote that love is a battleground wasn't so far off...

[sumdude]

Another banner day for me. Some foolish driver wasn't paying attention and slammed into my car in a parking lot while I was driving. Looks like it'll likely be totaled by the insurance company because damage will be more than the value. It's a '95 convertible, I will miss it. A whole lot of good memories there involving me n' the X. Guess it's more of "Out with the old and in with the new." So I'll have to be buying a car now too. All this while I'm getting stuck with all the marital debts ... Well, I'm just being tested here I'm sure. I'm still in one peice and that's what matters.

 

Mr. Reality sure has been visiting ME a lot lately.

[PWSX3]

Another banner day for me. Some foolish driver wasn't paying attention and slammed into my car in a parking lot while I was driving. Looks like it'll likely be totaled by the insurance company because damage will be more than the value. It's a '95 convertible, I will miss it. A whole lot of good memories there involving me n' the X. Guess it's more of "Out with the old and in with the new." So I'll have to be buying a car now too. All this while I'm getting stuck with all the marital debts ... Well, I'm just being tested here I'm sure. I'm still in one peice and that's what matters.

 

Mr. Reality sure has been visiting ME a lot lately.

No, Mr. Reality knows you don't look good in that car & he has something better planned for you, you just don't know it at this time but you will see it is a cool vehicle with lots of bling, bling. :laugh::laugh:

[sumdude]

No, Mr. Reality knows you don't look good in that car & he has something better planned for you, you just don't know it at this time but you will see it is a cool vehicle with lots of bling, bling. :laugh::laugh:

 

LOL I hear ya... just wish I had the kaching kaching to pay for it.

[sumdude]

Played a show with the band in town last night. Had a packed house and a pretty good night. There's a woman who is a friend with one of my bandmates ... there seems to be a little mutual attraction. Thing is that she has recently kicked an addiction too. She also left her husband because he didn't quit his. So she's on the other side of a somewhat similiar situation to mine. But I cleaned up my act while her H hasn't. As we're talking I noticed something .... she talks a lot and doesn't always listen very much ...Suddenly she reminded me of my STBX. Whoa, I am not ready for any relationship just yet..

 

All the other women at the club were there to party, mostly younger. I've never been the pickup in a club type. Can hardly hold a conversation in the noise. Now that I don't party the whole thing just kind of has no appeal. Funny, I met one girl there who bummed a smoke from me, just a small interaction but she seemed very nice and smart. Later I saw her leaving with this guy... I could tell right away his type. Your standard issue mid twenties butthead, made me think... treats her like crud and she comes back for more. Damn I have a lot to offer someone when the time times. It was funny, she saw me with hands full of heavy guitar gear opening the trunk of my car and asked if I needed help, I said thanks but I'm OK.

 

I still have some unresolved issues with myself before I can consider seeing someone.

 

This is the first time in my life I've really lived mostly alone. My roommate is never home, has a new sweetie so he's with her almost every night. I used to hate being alone, always felt like I needed someone around. Today with it being a holiday i suddenly find myself feeling slightly stressed that I'm alone and needing someone to be with... just a freind whatever..then i calm down. Wonder why I am this way? I'm catching myself talking out loud when alone sometimes... hope I'm not cracking up . I'm just so used to having someone to talk to.

 

I think this is another lesson and learning experience for me. Being alone and OK with it. The other is becoming more outgoing and making new freinds on my own... been a long time sice I've done that and i tend to be a bit reticent in general. LS has been a big help, i feel like I know some of you all pretty well and a kind of frendship goes on here. But I need to meet some new folks in the flesh too.

 

Yesterday i packed up 4 trash bags full of my old clothes that are just too big to wear anymore. Another step in purging my past.

[ilmw]

Played a show with the band in town last night. Had a packed house and a pretty good night. There's a woman who is a friend with one of my bandmates ... there seems to be a little mutual attraction. Thing is that she has recently kicked an addiction too. She also left her husband because he didn't quit his. So she's on the other side of a somewhat similiar situation to mine. But I cleaned up my act while her H hasn't. As we're talking I noticed something .... she talks a lot and doesn't always listen very much ...Suddenly she reminded me of my STBX. Whoa, I am not ready for any relationship just yet..

 

All the other women at the club were there to party, mostly younger. I've never been the pickup in a club type. Can hardly hold a conversation in the noise. Now that I don't party the whole thing just kind of has no appeal. Funny, I met one girl there who bummed a smoke from me, just a small interaction but she seemed very nice and smart. Later I saw her leaving with this guy... I could tell right away his type. Your standard issue mid twenties butthead, made me think... treats her like crud and she comes back for more. Damn I have a lot to offer someone when the time times. It was funny, she saw me with hands full of heavy guitar gear opening the trunk of my car and asked if I needed help, I said thanks but I'm OK.

 

I still have some unresolved issues with myself before I can consider seeing someone.

 

This is the first time in my life I've really lived mostly alone. My roommate is never home, has a new sweetie so he's with her almost every night. I used to hate being alone, always felt like I needed someone around. Today with it being a holiday i suddenly find myself feeling slightly stressed that I'm alone and needing someone to be with... just a freind whatever..then i calm down. Wonder why I am this way? I'm catching myself talking out loud when alone sometimes... hope I'm not cracking up . I'm just so used to having someone to talk to.

 

I think this is another lesson and learning experience for me. Being alone and OK with it. The other is becoming more outgoing and making new freinds on my own... been a long time sice I've done that and i tend to be a bit reticent in general. LS has been a big help, i feel like I know some of you all pretty well and a kind of frendship goes on here. But I need to meet some new folks in the flesh too.

 

Yesterday i packed up 4 trash bags full of my old clothes that are just too big to wear anymore. Another step in purging my past.

 

Funny how you get used to somethng.. I to have never lived alone... Always had roomates.. or LTR's

 

I have lived completely alone since October. I use my TV as background noise. Make my place feel less empty. I do spend a lot of time while I am working alone. But tend to be more social on my days off.. (4 day stretches)

 

Being alone and totally self dependant.. is probably one of the best things that happened to me. I know now... I do not need anyone to survive.. I do not need anyone to make me happy.. cause I can do it on my own..

 

Things like this.. make you realise.. "Hey I'm doing ok"

 

I like my alone time.. never knew what that was before... always hated being by myself.. It is and had been a positive growing experience.

 

As for woman... it all takes time... and you will know when you are ready.. BTW.. good for you.. being more social... it can be hard... especially after something like this.. when we withdraw into ourselves.. It is a good path to recovery.. and happiness.

 

I try to get out as much as possible... my problem is most of my friends are married family type guys... who.. do what I used to do... spend their free time with their wives and kids..

 

But I still keep busy...

[sumdude]

Funny how you get used to somethng.. I to have never lived alone... Always had roomates.. or LTR's

 

I have lived completely alone since October. I use my TV as background noise. Make my place feel less empty. I do spend a lot of time while I am working alone. But tend to be more social on my days off.. (4 day stretches)

 

Being alone and totally self dependant.. is probably one of the best things that happened to me. I know now... I do not need anyone to survive.. I do not need anyone to make me happy.. cause I can do it on my own..

 

Things like this.. make you realise.. "Hey I'm doing ok"

 

I like my alone time.. never knew what that was before... always hated being by myself.. It is and had been a positive growing experience.

 

As for woman... it all takes time... and you will know when you are ready.. BTW.. good for you.. being more social... it can be hard... especially after something like this.. when we withdraw into ourselves.. It is a good path to recovery.. and happiness.

 

I try to get out as much as possible... my problem is most of my friends are married family type guys... who.. do what I used to do... spend their free time with their wives and kids..

 

But I still keep busy...

 

 

I think of that old saying "Idle hands do the devils work.". I get it now, if I don't stay busy my mind wanders down all those dark hallways where I don't need to be anymore. You stay busy, accomplish something and feel better about yourself.

 

Most of my freinds are either married or busy doing their own thing too. I'm going to have to find new ways to meet people. Getting more and more used to going out alone. Like Gunny says, adapt and overcome.

 

It's surprising how much of it all boils down to needing acceptance maybe a bit too much. If i was to try to analyze myself ... I was the baby in the family. Had to make everyone happy, often at my own expense... Well, enough of that. Need to make ME happy now.

[sumdude]

Today was eventful. After the phone convo two weeks ago when we attempted to reach settlement I ended up feeling that wasn't good enough. There was too much angry guilt thrown at me during that for it to work for me.

 

Last week I left a message that before we went any further I wanted to meet with her. We met today for an early dinner. I needed to see her face and eyes while we closed this chapter. She is still holding on to so much of what happened in the past. She can't seem to let go of anything. She is so stressed and on edge... She wants to get this all finished up asap so she can move out of the entire area and leave it all behind her. Every hurt has been magnified and burned in. There are definitly some pretty deep emotional isses in her that the last year have been brought to the surface.

 

She says that no man has ever been able to put her first (or maybe not on a high enough pedastal?) and I didn't either. That she will never get involved with another man again. Something about all the guys she's been with being like her dad in some way and thier mothers ... must be an issue there for her in general. Not to say that my overbearing mom and bitter sister didn't cause her some pain. Hell they caused me some pain too. Still, she wasn't abe to handle it very well at all.

 

I told her that I accepted responsibity for two crucial mistakes.

I allowed my family and alcohol to come between us.

 

She didn't really say anything about her contributions to problems.

 

Anyway at one point she told me

 

" If I have been able to make the situation where you have changed and made you a better man for some great woman in your future then I have provided a good service."

 

Wow, Ok then ..... strange thing to hear from your ex wife?

 

I see more and more the side of her that made our relationship difficult at times. She can't help the way she is ... not selfish but she is self centered. Also incredibly sensitive to any criticism.

 

The conversation was at times freindly, sometimes a bit confrontational but overall went OK. We are both standing our ground in regard to settlement. I've done enough research to know it's an OK deal. We both know we still care for each other at some level but now it's clear we can't be together. She cannot trust me not to do what I did before. I can't go back into a situation wondering when the next drama crisis will appear.

 

I had to see her eyes to know where things really were. It was like looking at someone else ... and I suppose it was the same way for her. I guess you can call this a pretty amicable divorce. I left with some sadness but actually feeling Ok about life. My mind is quieter ... some of those last few questions have been answered for me. We may even be able to be sort of freinds as time passes... we'll see. We both wished each other well in life.

 

One peice of good news. Looks like the insurace company will pay to fix my wrecked car. Luckily the damages came in just low enough to avoid a total loss. So like myself ... my trusty old convertible will rise from the ashes of another wreck to ride again!

[sumdude]

A little update.

 

My week off was OK, dealing with my car etc. Wrote a couple good songs I've been recording. Looking up numbers for agents to see where I can go with them.

 

Monday went to the lawyers office and had him start writing up the separation agreement/settlement. Talked with STBX today. She is waiting to sign that agreement before she files for bankruptcy ... at least she's giving me the chance to avoid fallout from that by signing the agreement first. Interesting, it was one of the nicer conversations we've had ... LOL. She's pretty determined to move out west sometime before the end of the year. She wants to live out in the country ... if that makes her happy so be it. I'm really starting to settle back into single life .. I wouldn't say I'm over her, are you ever totally over any long term love affair? ... but I'm at peace with it all. Hardly any anger left at all ... just didn't work out for us and we both had issues. I'm just stuck holding the financial bag but things could be so much worse.

[mammax3]

Good for you, sumdude.

 

I don't think you'll ever forget her or your relationship. It's hard to say whether it's a person's expectation of their partner they'll miss, or the actual partner. Or just knowing that you've invested a lot of love, energy and time into something that never will be can be hard to swallow too.

 

And knowing that it didn't work out between you has made it more possible to learn a bit more about relationships in general and now you'll be that much further ahead in your next one!

[sumdude]

Karma is a funny thing....

 

I have a female freind at work who helped me out, advised me and just listened while I was going through the hard parts of the separation. She's now opened up to me about how her marriage has failed.... she is close to ending it with her H. In some ways it's like being on the other side and hearing what it may have been like for my STBX. I try to stay neutral, in the past I advised her to keep trying for the marriage. I still do but she says all the feelings are dead. So now I try to give advice on how to reduce the damage as much as possible having been on the other side of it.... this is a bit bizarre but I think the man upstairs has another lesson for me in all this.

 

I have to be careful, I could see maybe something someday with this person ... but keeping my boundaries firm.

[sumdude]

Saturday STBX came by the house to pick up a few more little things. We ended up spending a couple hours together, went shoppong and even had lunch. Strange 'friend' hangout situation. She still says her plan is to move out west somewhere and has a possibility lined up working on a ranch out in Montana. We talked a little about how we got to this point. I doubt it'll be a good idea to keep seeing her. I ended up with something like an emotional hangover the next day, just a bit depressed about it all but I bounced back.

 

Before she left I said "Well at this point if someone should come along ..."

She answered " Go for it .."

I jokingly said " Well I wasn't sure if you wanted to do the freinds with benefits thing."

 

 

Hitting the next milestones..

 

Had the marital settlement finished up by my lawyer yesterday ... we should be signing later this week. Then it's wait a couple more months for the time to pass before we can get the divorce through. Hopefully around early August. At this point part of me can't wait to get it all finished up so I can move on faster.

[Darth Vader]

Before she left I said "Well at this point if someone should come along ..."

She answered " Go for it .."

 

 

I find this awfully strange, I mean, cheaters have said things like this before, in so many words, somehow I think there's someone else out there she's seeing........... It's to ease their guilt.

[sumdude]

I find this awfully strange, I mean, cheaters have said things like this before, in so many words, somehow I think there's someone else out there she's seeing........... It's to ease their guilt.

 

 

Who knows, to this day she claims there isn't ... doesn't really matter at this point. We're 6 weeks from being able to file. The stress of getting the divorce done make being amicable a challenge. Money, lawyers etc etc. Plus the blaming me for most all problems....

[sumdude]

We signed the settlement today. She returned the diamond ring and wedding band. I'm stuck with having to sell it to get some money back..... Seeing it brought back too many memories. A few more tears came out when I came home with it, this s**t stiill hurts. Every time it sinks in a bit deeper ... I still know things will work out for me in life but the sense of loss remains. I'm just waiting for the pain that's left to go away ... sems like such a long time but then again these moments a now fewer and far between. Today just happens to be a bad one.. Once I get to the point when I just don't have to talk or see her it gets easier.

 

I'm just one of those people who swims in the deep end. I live and love to the fullest, makes for quite a life. The highs are higher and the lows are lower but I don't do things half a$$ed in that department. I don't just stop loving someone. If there's a next time I'll be a lot more careful but I still have to be me and true to myself.

[Art_Critic]

Hang tough sumdude...

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting today...

 

If you need us......

[Gunny376]

It does get easier ~ with time ~ but you've really got to work at it. You're not going to be the same person that you coming out of it, that you were going into it.

 

And, don't go buying off of that real estate she's trying to sell you that it was all your fault. Not for one second. It takes two to make it, and one to break it.

 

One of the college kids that I work with just got engaged ~ and I can see this train wreck coming from a mile away. The wife to be ~ and her mother are all wrapped in wedding planning ~ They've already got a photographer booked for a couple of thousand dollars, and the wedding is a year away.

 

Meanwhile ~ no mention of pre-martial counseling. She's in college and has already changed her major twice that I know of. Meanwhile ~ he's dropped out of college, and is working for less than $10 a hour.

 

My point? There were a hell of a lot of things that you simply just didn't know going into this to begin with. Same with me, same with all of us.

[sumdude]

It does get easier ~ with time ~ but you've really got to work at it. You're not going to be the same person that you coming out of it, that you were going into it.

 

And, don't go buying off of that real estate she's trying to sell you that it was all your fault. Not for one second. It takes two to make it, and one to break it.

 

>>>

 

My point? There were a hell of a lot of things that you simply just didn't know going into this to begin with. Same with me, same with all of us.

 

I've been doing well overall. There are just those moments when it just hits again. I know I don't even look like the same person I was, lost 60 lbs and gained some muscle. I think differently too. I don't actually believe it was all my fault ... I do know where I made some big mistakes. She's admitted to maybe one or two little ones .... She's a pretty unique one in general She'll say things now like she hopes someone comes along for me and that I should jump on it LOL and that now I'm ready for the 'big league'. What a load! I guess with her I was in the minors. Where does she get this crap? Anyway I'm feeling a lot better today, just needed to hit the next grief milestone I suppose.