OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[sumdude]

Gunny thanks,

Man you sure got it nailed in a lot of ways. Thanks for the great advice. Thing about the music is that I play professionally part time in electric bands, blues, rock , jazz. I do it to make money too not just for pleasure. Anywhere I want to gig and make money will serve some sort of alcohol, that is just a fact. Sure there are coffee houses but they are few and far between, want folk music and generally don't pay worth a dang. Now for a while I'm gonna take a break from gigging while I get a handle on things but I will have to learn to be around the stuff and control the urge because it is everywhere. Like A.C. said I need to get to where I don't want a drink. I can't avoid every place that has alcohol cause then I'd never leave the house. The supermarkets and 7 - 11's sell beer and wine here.

 

Anyway the weird th9ing is finding things to keep me busy with all this energy I have now. Finally got a full nights rest. So time to make a list, hit the gym again etc etc etc.

 

BTW still dry.

[sumdude]

Hi Sumdude!

I read your reply and it sounds like you're doing really good. I'm really glad I didn't upset you too much. I just wanted to help you see her side.

It sounds like you have an incredibly strong heart. I realize it's only been 3 days since this happened and you're already able to think about things clearly. This could be the beginning of a beautiful story with a happy ending. I hope you continue posting here so we can all find out. I know forums aren't the same as meeting people in person for support, but it can be a powerful source of additional support.

 

 

Thanks Ms. Smith and I hope you're right. I tend to move pretty quickly once I get up off my butt. Whetever happens I needed to get myself out of the hole I was in. I hope my wife is just as serious about dealing with her 'issues' for her sake and also serious about working on our marriage too.

[Art_Critic]

I hope my wife is just as serious about dealing with her 'issues' for her sake and also serious about working on our marriage too.

 

You need to make your sobriety THE priority right now.. You have no idea yet how many of her issues may have been caused by your drinking and until that gets sorted out in counseling then it needs to remain on the backburner

 

and the part about working on the marriage.. I'm sure she feels that she had been working on the marriage while you were drinking yourself into oblivion.

 

The spotlight is on YOU right now .. not her.. I'm not saying that she doesn't have to work on herself.. I'm saying that you need to stop tossing around blame right now until you remain sober.

 

Keep it up... day by day you are going to make it.. keep going to the meetings or keep doing whatever is keeping you sober..

 

With me the first year was the easiest.. I was flying on fear..

The second year is when the work started and I was able to do some introspection on myself and was also really able to start working my steps..

The second year is also the year I realized for real how much my drinking had impacted my family

[sumdude]

You need to make your sobriety THE priority right now.. You have no idea yet how many of her issues may have been caused by your drinking and until that gets sorted out in counseling then it needs to remain on the backburner and the part about working on the marriage.. I'm sure she feels that she had been working on the marriage while you were drinking yourself into oblivion.

 

The spotlight is on YOU right now .. not her.. I'm not saying that she doesn't have to work on herself.. I'm saying that you need to stop tossing around blame right now until you remain sober.

 

I hear ya A.C. I'ts not a blame thing. She has an issue which causes problems in all of her relationships. Not quite compulsive lying but compulsive exaggeration. Has nothing to do with my drinking and I know that. I don't pretend it had that much to do with the marriage issues. I admit readily now that I'm an alcoholic. But I wasn't totally screwing things up either though. No DUIs, wrecked cars, missing weekends, lost jobs, infidelities, heaps of lies, raging fits or abusive name calling. I was a pretty mellow drunk. A hell hole of a lot of liquor going down my throat and a general malaise with me not paying attention to my wife and others then trying to drown all of my problems. AND not being able to control it.

 

I have a lot to prove to her and myself. So yeah the spotlight is on me, as a performer I do my best work in the spotlight. Doesn't mean I've got it all down 'cause i think the easy part is now. A month, a year, 5 years down the road I think it gets harder when you think you've got something licked and you let your guard down.

 

Thanks for the tough love, I'm listenin'

[Art_Critic]

^ Five Sumdude...

 

Keep coming back...You are on the winning track...

[Gunny376]

Hammer + nail!

[Mz. Pixie]

You need to make your sobriety THE priority right now..

 

Amen!!!

 

My father has been sober over 30 years- AA is what helped him stay on track. I know you say you're opposed to AA but truly it does work if you're committed. He's to the point now he doesn't go to meetings but that took a bit of time for him to get in that place.

 

Do not get sober for her- because if you do your sobriety will depend on a relationship. Get sober for yourself and because you're tired of living that way.

[Gunny376]

Amen!!!

 

My father has been sober over 30 years- AA is what helped him stay on track. I know you say you're opposed to AA but truly it does work if you're committed. He's to the point now he doesn't go to meetings but that took a bit of time for him to get in that place.

 

Do not get sober for her- because if you do your sobriety will depend on a relationship. Get sober for yourself and because you're tired of living that way.

 

 

Hammer + nail! Par the course, you hit a Hole in one with that one Mz. P

[sumdude]

But I wasn't totally screwing things up either though. No DUIs, wrecked cars, missing weekends, lost jobs, infidelities, heaps of lies, raging fits or abusive name calling. I was a pretty mellow drunk.

 

I quoted myself 'cause I noticed I used the term 'was'. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Not sure about that. Anyhow went to my first therapy meeting, I guess it was good. I liked the one line he used. In my wife eyes i was having an affair with 'ethyl'. So after that talked with her for a bit, a decent converstion. Still a long way to go. Only a week since she moved out. Went to the gym, another AA meeting and hung out with my freind and his girl for a nice (dry) dinner. Tomorrow is the first marriage counciling session. One more day gone 'nother comin up. I know I have to do it for myself , I've had that posted on my mantra list since I started down this new road.

 

Tnx again for the support folks.

[Art_Critic]

Keep on keeping on sumdude..

 

I have always found the serenity prayer useful and worthy of putting up on the fridge at times of crisis..

 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference."

Strong Words...

[dropdeadlegs]

I love the Serenity Prayer. And the Golden Rule.

[sumdude]

Having a rough time this morning. Trying to make sense of a lot of things that happened leading up to her leaving. Still dry, not really wanting a drink. But I can't shake the feeling that there's more to what happened. Can't help but wonder if she's just going through the motions out of guilt for leaving or some left over feelings. I know these thoughts may not be helpful but they're there and hard to control. &*$@!#&*

[ilmw]

Having a rough time this morning. Trying to make sense of a lot of things that happened leading up to her leaving. Still dry, not really wanting a drink. But I can't shake the feeling that there's more to what happened. Can't help but wonder if she's just going through the motions out of guilt for leaving or some left over feelings. I know these thoughts may not be helpful but they're there and hard to control. &*$@!#&*

 

sumdude:

 

She may have guilt... she may have left over feelings...?? Who knows..right.

 

Dwelling on these things... drags you down.. letting your imagination get to you.. while thinking on those kinds of things.... creates false hope...which in itself... slows down your recovery.

 

I have been through the grasping at crumbs... seeing any kindness from my DW as a possible sign... of her wanting to reconcile.... But that is all it was... my imagination...

 

As with anything worth having.. it takes time and effort. That which we fight for... is always worth more to us... than if we just were given it. So this struggle you are going through... the drinking... and breakup of your relationship...is your opposition to finding your self... With grim determination.. you can face this enemy. It is hard my friend... damn hard... made doubly so because of your self admitted drinking problem... but .......YOU are worth this fight.... right?

 

All I can really say now... is follow the advice you have been given so far... as you have probably already seen.... there are folks on here... who have been through similar things in their lives...

 

Also.......... it may not seem like it right now.... but with patience... you will see a change in you... over time.... Keep up your positive actions.. keep moving forward... to recovery... Take care of you....NOW.

 

Maybe right now you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.... might be because .. you have placed to much *rap in your way.... but you can clear that tunnel.... yourself... once you figure out.... why it was put there in the first place.

 

and as PW would say.... hopefully that light at the end of the tunnel is not a train...

 

Take care Dude...

ilmw

[sumdude]

So my W and I had our first session tonight. I learned a couple things. Guess it went as well as could be expected. So far there are only two non-negotiables.

 

1. No more drinking period.

2. She never wants to see my sister again.

 

Long story but my sis has been nasty to my wife constantly for 8 years. I kept pushing my wife to be at family gatherings and didn't cope well with my sisters attacks. Hell my sister has blown up almost every holiday for 20+ years. And yes, it always happens when she's been drinking. Go figure. My sis is 45, unmarried and unhappy. So misery loves company and consciously or subconsciously she's been sabotaging my marriage and I was letting it happen.

 

The main thing is that I keep that monkey off my back.

 

Otherwise she's willing to come back but she has milestones in her mind. Which I can understand considering my alcoholism. 10 days ain't jack. She said she has a 6 month lease on her little place.

 

We'll talk once a day and have a weekly session with the councilor. She is also seeking therapy for anger management. So I guess we're in our respective corners for now working on ourselves. Where the path ends who knows. But there is some comfort in knowing there's a ray of hope for the marriage.

 

Now I keep on keepin on and get with the program.

[Art_Critic]

You are doing great sumdude... ^ five

It also sounds like your wife is using her head and not her heart.. you want that... it will help keep you sober..

 

Remember that she controls the pace right now.. you can only control yourself and not her..

The serenity prayer..

 

I've noticed a huge change in you since the first post on this thread.... nothing but positive changes since

 

Now keep on keeping on..

[PWSX3]

So my W and I had our first session tonight. I learned a couple things. Guess it went as well as could be expected. So far there are only two non-negotiables.

 

1. No more drinking period.

2. She never wants to see my sister again.

 

Long story but my sis has been nasty to my wife constantly for 8 years. I kept pushing my wife to be at family gatherings and didn't cope well with my sisters attacks. Hell my sister has blown up almost every holiday for 20+ years. And yes, it always happens when she's been drinking. Go figure. My sis is 45, unmarried and unhappy. So misery loves company and consciously or subconsciously she's been sabotaging my marriage and I was letting it happen.

 

The main thing is that I keep that monkey off my back.

 

Otherwise she's willing to come back but she has milestones in her mind. Which I can understand considering my alcoholism. 10 days ain't jack. She said she has a 6 month lease on her little place.

 

We'll talk once a day and have a weekly session with the councilor. She is also seeking therapy for anger management. So I guess we're in our respective corners for now working on ourselves. Where the path ends who knows. But there is some comfort in knowing there's a ray of hope for the marriage.

 

Now I keep on keepin on and get with the program.

This is great news because you have a big hand in how the situation will come out.

Just like others have said; you need to stop the drinking for you and no one else.

When my W moved out I started going to the gym, I started losing weight & was proud of myself but when we went to the counsoler for the first time in 2 months I got this feeling like I don't have to go to the gym anymore, I showed the W how much better I look (I had lost 30 pounds) and I could hear this little voice deep in side me say; see you showed her!!!!

 

Then I got thinking, I didn't do this just to show her, I didn't go thru all this work just to prove to her I could do it so it took me about a week to get back at the gym working out but I know now I am doing it for me, not to impress anyone but because it makes me feel better and because of it I am down 42 pounds and loving every minute of it.

 

I guess what I'm saying is if you stop the drinking for yourself you will feel so much better about yourself and of course you health will appreciate it as well.

 

Trust me, 6 months isn't that long, sure the first couple months are tough but do what you have been doing, go to the gym, read some books, go to meetings, and play music but keep positive even if you are having a bad day.

 

You also need to give your W credit for looking at herself and seeing there are things she can do to better herself and no matter what happens you will both be better people in the end.

[sumdude]

Feeling oddly ambivalent tonight. Feeling pretty good though. Still dry, not really thinking about drinking. Well thinking about it in general terms kinda analytically I guess but not thinking about having a drink Just ambivalent about the wife and everything. Strange....Haven't lived like a bachelor for 8 years.

[sumdude]

And this morning I'm missing her, it's worst at night. We spoke for a while. She says she's enjoying her solitude and being away for now.

[Art_Critic]

About the only way to get rid of the lonely's is to get your butt out there and get interested in something to take your mind off of her..

 

I have always built stuff.. I finished off my basement one year till I met my next heartbreak..

 

If you have any hobbies or loves then crank them up..

 

Show her that you can live fine without her and that you are also enjoying your solitude..

[sumdude]

So I'm feelin good tonight. This is the best I've felt physically, mentally and emotionally in a long long time. The W went to visit her mom for the weekend. We talked a little, just small talk. I mostly listened (as usual she is QUITE the talker but that's OK). Did lots of reflecting. I remember one thing she said in our session. That the drinking was a symptom. So I look back and see how we've changed over just 8 years. And voila I see that there's one thing I have to see as an issue on my side and probably the root cause of many problems.. It's a pretty damn common one....control. Yes pride, fear and control. The three horsemen of the marriage apocalypse! I was reading another thread here just now and saw the same issues over and over.

 

Did some reading last night, save your marriage kind of book.This one chapter of the book I was reading stated the 21 things NOT to do when things are going sour. Guess what? I did about 19 of them in the last month before she left. These things were almost guaranteed to rush her out the door. Who knew?! I didn't have the playbook.

 

Anyway we talked and it was simple. She does say I love you at the end of most of our calls. She also says she doesn't know what she wants right now. But in counciling she did say she wanted to work on the marriage and she would come back IF.... So anyway just doing my thing, working on me and keeping the lines open. I mean it hasn't been two weeks yet. Patience needs to be my byword right now and for a while.

 

Over and out for now

[whichwayisup]

Patience is always the key....As hard as this is for you to deal with and work your ass off to change (or control the feelings of pride, fear and control) from negative into positive.

 

You CAN do all that, and from what I've read so far, you're certainly working really hard, and taking the right steps to get you to where you can be.

[sumdude]

So yesterday the W called to tell me she was traveling out of town for her new job this week. She sounded really happy. I told her I was happy for her and pretty much put on the good face. Hard to say if she called to rub it in or just talk. Unfortunatly we miss our counciling session this week. I left her a message about scheduling the next one but no reply. No way to know she's even working where she says she is, living where she says she is or anything else. The hardest part is that we barely talk. I know she has the time but comes up with all sorts of reasons of being to busy to talk and all that instead of telling me she would rather not. I know she made the stipulation of one call per day. So I try to keep it that way. Believe me she always has time to talk on the phone, I get the bill. Lots of calls, texts and pix.

So I tell myself each day that I need to make my own happiness and just leave it be and all. Hard not to obsess sometimes and think of all the possible scenarios. Still not drinking and I'm going to the gym. Damn this is a b***h!

 

She started a new job, moved to a new town an hour away and has all sorts of new life going on all of a sudden.

[Art_Critic]

You can bet her life is no picnic.. She is only showing you those things to make it look like it is..

 

That is why you need to so the same.. get a hobby... make yourself happy right now.. that way when you speak with her you can tell her how happy you are and all the good things you are doing..

 

Try not calling her every day.. go out with some friends.. wait 2-3 days to call her and see what she does about that..

 

Keep it up.. Stay Sober...You are doing great...

[sumdude]

You can bet her life is no picnic.. She is only showing you those things to make it look like it is..

 

That is why you need to so the same.. get a hobby... make yourself happy right now.. that way when you speak with her you can tell her how happy you are and all the good things you are doing..

 

Try not calling her every day.. go out with some friends.. wait 2-3 days to call her and see what she does about that..

 

Keep it up.. Stay Sober...You are doing great...

 

 

Yeah I imagine so or at least tell myself that. Going out with freinds could lead to temptations right now LOL. As far as not calling her I tend to let her call most days. I worry if I wait too long she might assume I'm on the juice again.

[PWSX3]

As far as not calling her I tend to let her call most days. I worry if I wait too long she might assume I'm on the juice again.

 

I wouldn't call her back right a way, I was doing this and someone told me not to do it, that shows you are just hanging around waiting so I stopped.

If it's important they can leave a message and if they don't you know it was just to chat.

 

If you are worried she thinks you are back on the juice, then when she calls tell her you were at the gym, you were taking a shower and didn't hear the phone, or you forgot to plug it in, or be honest and tell her; guess what I've been clean for (amount of days) and I'm feeling great!!!!

 

There has to be other places you could go check out that don't have anything to do with drinking......Not sure what your weather is like but start walking.....go visit some non drinking friends and explain to them what you are doing.

 

Stay at home and start learning to cook if you don't know how, just keep yourself busy.