OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[sumdude]

The "divorce diet" is the best weight loss program out there. Too bad it usually costs so much.

 

Careful with the weight, 6 pounds per week average isn't considered within the healthy loss zone. But hey, I know how it just falls off when you are scared, lonely, anxious, and unhappy.

 

Damn, why does happiness always have to "weigh" so much for me?

 

I like the idea of you being more of a mystery, but that card would need to be played carefully given your past. It might look like you are hiding that you are reverting to your old ways of coping.

 

Well it's been about 4 lbs a week which is OK I think. Considering that I was drinking 2000 calories a day before it's not so surprising. I still eat regularly just a lot less as well as drinking diet sodas and teas instaed of my usual few cokes a day.

 

I'm not going to go underground or anything just become more detached. She can call me if she likes. This thing her about canceling yesterday, asking about today and not bothering to call tells me she's playing some sort of game. If I don't respond I think it'll make her wonder at least. After all SHE make the weekly get together suggestion and has now blown it off. So it seems I may have been set up to take a fall. But I'm not going to fall! So rather than whine or anything I'm just going to not worry about it.

[dropdeadlegs]

Duh, forgive my math on the weight. What was I thinking? Math was never my best subject, but simple division isn't too hard... Alcohol IS full of empty calories, snd I know you have been working out to prevent muscle loss. It feels great to look better, doesn't it?

 

I'm so glad that you are able to simply shrug your shoulders every now and then. That is so much better for you than obsessing and looking for hidden meaning in every little thing. Of course rational thinking is much easier when you aren't drinking.

 

I really think you have a good attitude about things. Keep that up.

[sumdude]

Something that calmed me down today. I looked at the divorce laws in my state. Since there was no written separation agreement and she 'abandoned' it will be a year before a divorce can be filed. If there had been a written agreement or property settlement started it would have been six months. So there's plenty of time for things to change and it makes it easier to keep cool.

[whichwayisup]

I would hope that if your wife decided she wanted a divorce, she would actually tell you. Remember, she does love you.

[sumdude]

I would hope that if your wife decided she wanted a divorce, she would actually tell you. Remember, she does love you.

 

I hear that, thanks. Still some of the things she's been saying lead me to wonder such as:

 

"I don't know if I want to be married."

"I don't know if I'm any good at being married."

"I don't know if I believe in marriage anymore."

"I'm not sure what I want."

"I like not having to answer to anyone."

"It's nice to have the whole bed to myself."

 

etc

 

I like the fact that the divorce cannot be rushed since she has a habit of making impulsive decisions. I have hope it will work out but also have to be a realist and prepared for other outcomes.

[Gunny376]

"I don't know if I want to be married."

"I don't know if I'm any good at being married."

"I don't know if I believe in marriage anymore."

"I'm not sure what I want."

"I like not having to answer to anyone."

"It's nice to have the whole bed to myself."

 

etc

 

A lot of that says to me that she's young, hasn't "found herself" and that she doesn't know how to be married. You're not born with it naturally, its a lifelong course of education.

[sumdude]

A lot of that says to me that she's young, hasn't "found herself" and that she doesn't know how to be married. You're not born with it naturally, its a lifelong course of education.

 

LOL she's 37! Funny, finding herself is also one of the other things she said! Then again I knda had to 'find myself' again too. Though I admit I think she and I are a bit immature for our ages. One thing that happened is that this last 2 years we tried to conceive a child and failed. She tried all sorts of hormone therapies that made her emotionally unpredictable. I wouln't stop the drinking. So I think realizing she is not likely to be able to have a child really shook her up as well as my addiction.

[sumdude]

So today I got a call from one of the bands I play with wondering if I was available for a gig. I'm pretty happy with the idea so I'm going to go ahead and play. Not too worried about wanting to drink since I now like sobriety in general and haven't thought about having one in quite a while. I feel good, have a lot of energy, lost weight plus the simple fact that I play much better sober. One of the other players doesn't drink and I have a feeling he may have gone through something like me so I'll be hanging with him. I think playing in front of an audience again will be a blast. It always gives me a great feeling, a better feeling than any drink could. Still going to meetings and they help out. My W may stop by this weekend, we'll see how that goes.

 

I really miss her and hope we can get back together. Every once in a while I'll have a little cry, I guess grief for what was once wonderful. I'm living my life and enjoying things though. No point in waiting around for something to happen.

 

As hard as it is to admit I'm proud of her too. She has found a great new job and is working on her career. Also starting to take initiative in getting her finances togetehr which have been a shambles for years. She's learning to be independent. In a way that is a bit scary since she may be so independent that she'll not want to get back together with me. Still I don't want the kind of love that isn't freely given.

[PWSX3]

As hard as it is to admit I'm proud of her too. She has found a great new job and is working on her career. Also starting to take initiative in getting her finances togetehr which have been a shambles for years. She's learning to be independent. In a way that is a bit scary since she may be so independent that she'll not want to get back together with me. Still I don't want the kind of love that isn't freely given.

Sounds like you are doing great!!!

 

This is one of the biggest things my W said she wanted, to be more independent & do things on her own. Today we went to MC & The MC said; with the W getting her independence it will only help our marriage and that it will be a possitive thing.

 

Time does change people & what will happen only time will tell, but just keep thinking positive & working on yourself.

 

I think going and playing again will be good for you. That is doing something you like to do plus it will be steps to overcoming one of the demons you are working on, facing drinking in a public place.

 

Keep up the great work, keep posting & letting us know how things are going.

[sumdude]

Sounds like you are doing great!!!

 

This is one of the biggest things my W said she wanted, to be more independent & do things on her own. Today we went to MC & The MC said; with the W getting her independence it will only help our marriage and that it will be a possitive thing.

 

Time does change people & what will happen only time will tell, but just keep thinking positive & working on yourself.

 

I think going and playing again will be good for you. That is doing something you like to do plus it will be steps to overcoming one of the demons you are working on, facing drinking in a public place.

 

Keep up the great work, keep posting & letting us know how things are going.

 

 

Great to hear that there is a lot of positives going for you right now! I'm pullin' for ya. Right now my wife seems to be taking a step forward then a couple steps back. I'm all confused but hanging in there. Can't figure out where she's coming from. She doesn't want me to come by her place at all and keeps setting things up to come round here and then blowing them off. I pretty much expect her not to come by this weekend though she says she is.

[sumdude]

OK one more post. Talked with the wife. She says she's coming by this weekend. She wanted to know about our debts and her part of them. She said she's coming by to sign tax forms so we can get the return "and get things moving in a direction." Just like that "in a direction".... ??? What direction? .. how cryptic can you get?

[whichwayisup]

OK one more post. Talked with the wife. She says she's coming by this weekend. She wanted to know about our debts and her part of them. She said she's coming by to sign tax forms so we can get the return "and get things moving in a direction." Just like that "in a direction".... ??? What direction? .. how cryptic can you get?

 

I hate to ask, but are you 100% sure there's noone else?

 

It just sounds like she's made some sort of plan and not let you in on it (yet). Maybe she thinks you can't handle it...I don't know.

 

Talk to her this weekend...I mean, if in her mind she's thinking ahead and wanting to move on, she should respect you enough to TELL you what she wants.

 

Her actions are abit off from her words...

[Art_Critic]

Sumdude..

 

Congrats on keeping on dude..

 

 

When someone wants out they normally want out.

So if she files for divorce then keeping her because of the number of years you must be separated isn't going to bring her back.

 

I'm also sure that just because the courts don't allow a divorce to proceed without the waiting period doesn't mean you will still be married to her in the traditional sense. You both will still be apart and just waiting for the court to approve it.

 

I'm not saying she wants a divorce.. She hasn't asked you for one yet..

and there are many many people who separate that get back together..

My brother even remarried his 2nd wife twice and they have been married over 11 years now..

 

By the way.. I'm not trying to sound like a downer..

I'm just throwing some stuff out there for you to think about..

 

Remember that your future isn't written yet.. Nobody's is

[sumdude]

I hate to ask, but are you 100% sure there's noone else?

 

It just sounds like she's made some sort of plan and not let you in on it (yet). Maybe she thinks you can't handle it...I don't know.

 

Talk to her this weekend...I mean, if in her mind she's thinking ahead and wanting to move on, she should respect you enough to TELL you what she wants.

 

Her actions are abit off from her words...

 

I'm not 100% sure about anything! She says there's no one else. For all I know she 's decided she's gay. Always said she would tell me if there ever was. I wonder if she thinks I can't handle it and would fall off the wagon if she said so. But why would she bother at this point? In our last conversation she did say I love you once. But that could mean anything, like a brother/sister love or freind love or general love like agape.

 

I don't feel it's time to be confrontational at this point. Just keep doing my thing and ride this thing out. Don't want to force any quick decisions.

[sumdude]

Well I feel better now about things. My wife came by this morning. We took care of some paperwork with the taxes and a couple other things. We went for a walk and talked for a couple of hours. Mostly light talk about what we were each doing, just conversation. Later we talked a little about the relationship. There is hope for us. She told me how proud she was of me and the steps I was taking. I told her the same.

 

There was some talk about if we get back together she would like us to live in the community where she is now because she really likes it. I have no big problem with that. We're both renting so there are no property issues. One th one hand I do like where I live , I'm close to work, my father and most of my freinds and activites. I would be 40 minutes away which isn't all that bad though. My commute would go from 20 min to an hour or more but that's a small price to pay I think. She said she loves me and cares about me but isn't sure right now if we're good for one another. Still I feel like we might actually be working towards something now.

 

All in all it was nice. No arguments or disagreements. Saying goodbye we hugged and there was a little kiss on the lips. My hopes are up but there's alot to go through still. One day a time and things will work out as they should.

[sumdude]

Played a gig last night with the band and had a great time. It was nice to be out in front of an audience again. Didn't have any issues with anything at all.

 

I was thinking today. It seems every time I move forward on one issue she seems to create a new one. Constantly moving the goalposts. I think me getting sober so quickly and my self improvements may have thrown her plans off a bit perhaps?

 

This thing about "I don't know if we're good for each other". I'm not trying to read too much into it but it's a new thing from what she was saying in the beginning. Maybe she does already has a plan she's not letting me in on and is just waiting things out for the legal stuff to be possible. It doesn't actually seem like she's moving towards reconciliation but continuing to live behind her smoke screen and keeping things civil between us. I could be wrong but it's something to consider. After all she started a whole new life with new friends, job,town etc. in a matter of a month. Rewriting her life again.

 

Well, my life is going OK and the world is full of possibilities. I hope she's on the up and up but her words and actions are inconsistant. If she's not being honest then it will bite her in the a** eventually and that's too bad for her. I know I've kept my integrity through this.

[sumdude]

OK so I'll post again, haven't heard much back but that's OK. Today was the first time it really hit me that divorce really could be in my future. Though my wife says a few encouraging things every concrete step she's taken has been to get further away. She stopped using the cell phone that's on our plan told me she has one from her new job now. When she came over to sign the taxes and talk she also brought the title to her car for me to sign so she could register it in the state she moved to. She didn't mention that beforehand and I wonder if it was the only reason to stop by. I don't mind, it's an older car and it's hers anyway.

 

I'm not saying I've given up hope but I'm not seeing any real steps towards reconciliation after two months. Seems like it might be time to consider the prospect of moving on. If things start to work out it would be a welcome surprise.

[jmargel]

I think it would be very beneficial for both of you to attend Marriage counseling. That's something that you can ask her next time you see her.

[PWSX3]

I'm not saying I've given up hope but I'm not seeing any real steps towards reconciliation after two months. Seems like it might be time to consider the prospect of moving on. If things start to work out it would be a welcome surprise.

It took my W 4 months before she started to call me for things that I was just wondering why did she just call about that? She started to ask about going to eat or do things with our son so don't be in a big hurry just yet.

 

She didn't even get her mail forwarded until three months after she moved out so there is a lot of things that is going thru there minds & they need to sort them out just as you are.

 

Keep working on yourself as you have been so no matter what happens you will be a stronger person for whatever does happen.

 

I am also learning that it is easier to keep up the new activities such as going to the gym, eating better is easier when the W isn't around so this extra time is showing me how easy it is to fall back into those old habits so work hard on yourself, make those new goals a habit so they won't be as easy to just shrug off.

 

Sounds like you had a great time playing in front of a growd again, that is something I wouldn't be able to do, I hate being in front of people.

[sumdude]

It has only been two months. ....Still she seems awfully content living in her new 'storybook land' as I call it now. She's suddenly shanging her ideas on big subjects such as religion etc. She's completetly rewriting her life to match the situation she is in. I also can't help but think there is someone else at this point. At the least an EA going on. Remember the Peanuts cartoons where Lucy would set up Charlie Brown for a field goal and then pull the ball away at the last second? That's what it seems like. I won't be lied to or set up anymore. I think she trying to get me to end it so she feels better about it. Hope I'm wrong but that's what my gut is telling me today.

[Art_Critic]

I won't be lied to or set up anymore.

 

Sumdude.. In my opinion your marriage should be secondary to your sobriety..the marriage cannot survive without it.. She knows this too !

 

She hasn't lied to you.. she told you why she left.. Your Drinking..

 

She has done nothing more than reordered her priorities. As long as she hasn't asked for a divorce at this point then keep putting your sobriety as your highest priority and let her see by looking at your actions that you are working on yourself.

[sumdude]

Sumdude.. In my opinion your marriage should be secondary to your sobriety..the marriage cannot survive without it.. She knows this too !

 

She hasn't lied to you.. she told you why she left.. Your Drinking..

 

She has done nothing more than reordered her priorities. As long as she hasn't asked for a divorce at this point then keep putting your sobriety as your highest priority and let her see by looking at your actions that you are working on yourself.

 

Hi AC, I understand what you're saying. I am keeping my sobriety first and that's going well. On the other hand my drinking is now apparently not the only reason she left but one of the biggest. I can't ignore the marriage completely.

 

Fact is that just before she left I suspected her of an affair. I reacted in paranoid ways, probably drove her out the door with it. She told me he was just her alanon sponsor. He's either separated or recently divorced from his alcoholic wife. At first she told me it was a roommate house and that he just now moved in. Says she's living with him as a roommate , kis kid and another roommate. The truth is that he owns that house, I know that from the internet. Tells me it's just platonic but what am I to believe? She's joined the local church, changed religions, is taking care of his son and some other local kids at times. That's all she talks about, taking care of this group of kids. Perhaps she was lying at first to protect herself and these people wondering if I would do something crazy (never been violent in my life). It all seems a bit odd in general. I try my best to take her word for things but WTF? She has this new instant family, wanted kids but we weren't able to concieve so her life may be fulfilled now.

[Art_Critic]

It all seems a bit odd in general. I try my best to take her word for things but WTF? She has this new instant family, wanted kids but we weren't able to concieve so her life may be fulfilled now.

 

You sound like you are processing everything pretty good..

Keep on keeping on with the sobriety..

 

I do agree that it seems weird about her situation that she seems to be living in..

Have you discussed your feelings about it all with her ?

If marriage counseling isn't on the table for her then a coming to Jesus meeting with her might be the best thing for you..

Kinda to clear the air and see where you stand.

 

You have been sober enough time to be able to sit down with her and discuss your future as it sits today..

 

All the uneasy feelings you are having might be eased if you can get on the same page as her..

[sumdude]

You sound like you are processing everything pretty good..

Keep on keeping on with the sobriety..

 

I do agree that it seems weird about her situation that she seems to be living in..

Have you discussed your feelings about it all with her ?

If marriage counseling isn't on the table for her then a coming to Jesus meeting with her might be the best thing for you..

Kinda to clear the air and see where you stand.

 

You have been sober enough time to be able to sit down with her and discuss your future as it sits today..

 

All the uneasy feelings you are having might be eased if you can get on the same page as her..

 

I think we're finally starting to get to the point where we can talk about the possibilities. She's starting to really explain what she's been thinking for a long time. She feels that she gave up too much of her life when we got together eight years ago. Stopped doing a lot of the the things she loved to do and seeing the people she knew then. She doesn't blame me per se because it's not something I asked her to do though I may have implied it somehow. When my drinking got to the point where she felt alone without something to do or someone to do them with she started to rebuild her life again.

 

Now she's found a new community she likes a lot and new activities. She's back in touch with the things she used to do she loves. I'm willing to move there and make some compromises should we get to that point. She's worried that I'll end up where she was by giving too much up. I'm weighing it all in my mind. I don't think I'll be giving much up, mostly time. Commuting etc. There are still other things to work out. The past hurts still need to heal. We have a lot to talk out but at least we're finally getting to the roots.

[sumdude]

I realise my posts have been really up and down here. This weekend seems to have firmed a couple things up I think. I've been getting a lot of calls at the house from collections agents looking for her so this great paying new job of hers now seems like a myth to me. Luckily my name is not on those accounts and I've been checking my credit monitor.

 

OK then... looks to me like there's not much going to happen with the W. We both were helping mutual freinds move yesterday. She was acting really strange, just not herself. Wouldn't say hi hardly, if I got near she would slink away. Couldn't handle being around me and seemed totally preoccupied. Made some wierd little little zingers about my car and the way my pants fit (lost wieght). All in all acting very high school or someone with a guilty conscience maybe. This after a few pretty good phone conversations this week.

 

Gunny I think you nailed it, she may be 37 but is acting like a 15 year old.

 

When we got to their new house she suddenly had to leave. Something about work yada yada yada. Every time she blows things off it's 'work'. Said something about liking her freedom and a lot of new responsibilites. Ummmm..... hard to have a lot of both at the same time. Had borrowed her 'roomates' little pickup. From what I can tell it looks to me like she's on a short leash somewhere. As if is she wasn't supposed to be where she was or someone wanted his truck back. Before she left gave me the old "Love you not in love with you" line. Says she has no interest in sex in general. Anyhow I pretty much said I'm just biding my time on things and if we wanted to we could fix the marriage.

 

Later it hit me that she's probably moved on in her mind and is making her life seem so hunky dory though it looks more like she's totally stressed out. She's denied having a thing with this roommate a few too many times and too intensely but I'm not going to analyze this stuff anymore. I haven't said anything about that suspicion to her since she left me. So I got pretty bummed for a while last night and today. Just let the grieving for the past happen. Kept my head straight. I ain't going to drown my sorrows on this, just live them. It would only make things worse.

 

Tonight I went shopping for new pants and shirts. I'm down to a L from an XL and that felt good. Guess it's time to start movin' on pretty much. Oh I'll keep my mind open for her, be a freind if she wants or has some unexpected change of heart but otherwise I'm letting go of her high school drama. That Mid life crisis she mentioned... blah blah blah..more like not wanting to live up to the commitment you made before man and God. I know my part in things and that she's been hurting for a long time before this all went down. Still I never treated her badly and supported her when she coudn't keep a job. All those things she said early on about coming back if I got it together were just BS that's she completely gone back on. Guess she never expected me to make all these changes and is totally confused. Oh my, I'm not totally shattered without her, must be messin with her mind.