OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[Gunny376]

Dang Gunny, you must have been a sharpshooter. You've really been able to hit things on target. Thanks again, she may be the love of my life but I do have to let her go....who knows what the future brings but I have to deal with today right now. You know through all of this madness with my jealousy, her evasiveness and changing rules, neither of us wanted to hurt the other. Even when my mind was running down all the paths of her cheating my heart was still tellin me otherwise and I hope it's right. Love can make us do crazy things. Even put on a daiper and drive cross country!

 

Actually, I'm a twenty year Expert witht the pistol and rifle, and had the pleasure to be on a couple of Rifle and Pistol teams, though nothing Marine Corps wide. (The rating for marksmanship in the Marines goes, "Marksman", "Sharpshooter" and then "Expert)

 

Usually the standard answer for most posts here are that she's gotten herself another lover. But, from what you've posted ~ I don't think that's the case. It sounds as though she really needs to go off on the back forty and find herself and some answers to some questions and solutions to some problems. She's got issues, and she probally needs to find a good counselor.

 

My problem with couselors and therpaist ~ Hell half of them have issues themseleves. So you've got to shop around to find the right one.

 

Get posting Dude, keep posting. You're halfway there!

[sumdude]

Actually, I'm a twenty year Expert witht the pistol and rifle, and had the pleasure to be on a couple of Rifle and Pistol teams, though nothing Marine Corps wide. (The rating for marksmanship in the Marines goes, "Marksman", "Sharpshooter" and then "Expert)

 

Usually the standard answer for most posts here are that she's gotten herself another lover. But, from what you've posted ~ I don't think that's the case. It sounds as though she really needs to go off on the back forty and find herself and some answers to some questions and solutions to some problems. She's got issues, and she probally needs to find a good counselor.

 

My problem with couselors and therpaist ~ Hell half of them have issues themseleves. So you've got to shop around to find the right one.

 

Get posting Dude, keep posting. You're halfway there!

 

Yeah, I'm just going to go with that explanation, either that or for some reason she needs to make a huge crazy cover story up for me. Anyway, today would have been our second anniversary. I'm doing fairly OK, trying to get her out of my head. Painting the bedroom helped as well as a couple other rituals. Burning a couple love notes in the grill, putting away all the stuff that can remind me of her etc. This whole thing is so nuts. At least there are no kids and no property to deal with or have hurt too. I'm still PO'd that she gave up on me and us 'cause I think we could get through it together but whatever. I'll get by.

 

Need to find something to do tonight to distract me.

[whichwayisup]

Go see Blades of Glory. That will make you laugh!

[sumdude]

So on Monday, the anniversary day I got some of my old freinds together and had an ex bashing night. At least was able to have fun and laugh most of the night. My freinds opened up with some things about my wife they held back before. Some pretty nasty sides of her personality. A quote from my oldest freind regarding her... well... ability to tell some whoppers and seriously embellish.

 

" The only person I've ever known whose stories had to be verified by two independent sources."

 

Had some nice weather the last two days and watching the ladies in spring clothing was nice. This morning is pretty dismal and my mood is a bit down but I'll get through. Nothing like a failed relationship to cheer the soul.

It took two people and alcohol to mess it up. I look at all the mistakes I made. How to put away that regret and move on is a challenge. Also the anger at the things she did and how I think in the end she played me. One day at a time. I tell myself in a couple months it'll be late spring and I might be ready to take the new body out for a spin. The heart may not heal that quick but ya never know.

[PWSX3]

Sumdude, I for one I'm proud of what you have done and how far you have come in a short time. You are understanding that the only person you have control over is yourself & you are manning up to what you can do about fixing your part.

 

Even when you know or find out that your spouse maybe wasn't the best person that you still have feelings for them & those feelings might take a while to get over, but like you said the weather is going to get better your life is going to get better & you will be able to look back and say; LOOK WHAT I HAVE DONE FOR MYSELF!!!!!!! ;)

 

Keep the chin up & you will make it thru the day, remember we do have a choice to make our day whatever we want.....

 

Keep growing, keep posting, it's all good!!!!

[dropdeadlegs]

Hey 'dude,

 

I'm still following along, although sometimes I prefer to listen and let others do the talking.

 

I'm not surprised that she has dropped the D bomb. While I was suspicious of her fidelity, all her actions were screaming to me that she wasn't coming back to the relationship. She made some pretty big moves, didn't she? It was like she was starting over from the day she left and I'm sorry that you were left hanging on threads, but sometimes we have to cling to those in order get over the bumps. Ultimately this may be the best thing for many reasons and there is much to be said for cutting losses and moving on to the next chapter in life. You're keeping your head in ways that many of us have difficulty doing. I have learned so much from these long drawn out "diaries" that you and a few others have been kind enough to share. Thank you for what you have given to me in your personal process.

 

It's spring, and that's a time for renewal. What better time to make fresh starts? Yes, she was certainly freeing herself, but you have been freed, too. Free to really move on and put your feet back on solid ground, no more hanging on threads for you. Most marriages are filled with best intentions and she surely had those initially, but big things, like not wanting children, are best dealt with early on. Now you can pursue someone with that interest. I don't know from experience, but having no children (and no shared "big" assets) must make divorce a whole lot easier.

 

Take your time and with small steps I see a wonderful future for you and your future family-to-be. Tackling the alcohol issue is the greatest gift you can give yourself, and that family. I'm so proud of the progress you are making.

 

Ex bashing can be a liberating thing. None of us are perfect and when we remove love's blinders there is always a silver lining in the cloud to give us something we can be happy about. You have painted the bedroom, why not rearrange the furniture, too, if space allows? Out with the old and in with the new. I believe a fresh start can be made with most of the old possessions. Putting away painful reminders was a good move. One day they will simply be memories and not necessarily painful. This time shared with her has molded you into sumdude version 2.1, the better version of the old program. (That's a Gunny-ism from another thread. I love Gunny-isms!)

 

I'm looking forward to a new sumdude thread, or better yet, many sumdude threads, as you continue to choose new paths in the pursuit of happiness. I hope you will continue to share the experiences as I have thoroughly enjoyed the journey thus far.

 

May peace, joy and love be yours.

[sumdude]

Thnaks for the support all. It's ironic in a way. I was a late bloomer wh4en it came to women. I was really bashful with women up through my 20s. Met my wife when I was 31 and this was my first long term relationship. Before that not much at all excpet maybe a month. So I made every rookie mistake whereas she had been in a few, a couple messed up ones so she had her baggage. So here I am at 39 just grown up.

[dropdeadlegs]

So here I am at 39 just grown up.

39 was my banner growing up year, too.

[AHIWON]

So you two are saying next year I'm gonna be all growed up!!!!! Cool!

[dropdeadlegs]

So you two are saying next year I'm gonna be all growed up!!!!! Cool!

That made me laugh out loud! Unfortunately I still have plenty of growing to do, but 39 was a year of tremendous growth for me. There have been other years that compared, but you know how kids have growth spurts? Adults do too. We all grow at different rates.

 

Still, there's hope for you, AHIWON.

[sumdude]

It seems that thing that's hardest to get over is the feeling that you're disposable to the person you valued the most. Keeping your self respect and realizing that you must have made an error in judgement about them.

[Art_Critic]

It seems that thing that's hardest to get over is the feeling that you're disposable to the person you valued the most. Keeping your self respect and realizing that you must have made an error in judgement about them.

 

I'm going to keep this real..

 

I'm truly proud of you.. you do have your head screwed on properly right now.. Sobriety suits you..

 

Keep it up..

 

Butttttttttttt.....

 

The words I quoted could also be said about your wife's feelings while you were buried in a bottle..

I am sure she felt disposable while you were getting drunk by yourself or your buddies..

I'm sure she also felt that she made a mistake also.. she must've been thinking.. what did I marry a drunk for ?

 

 

I'm just keeping you real.. and honest.. that is what sobriety is all about.. admitting to our short comings and asking the people that we hurt thru our drinking for forgiveness..

 

Although.. with all that being said it seems she is also not innocent... but you have to keep your short comings front and center first.

[sumdude]

I'm going to keep this real..

 

I'm truly proud of you.. you do have your head screwed on properly right now.. Sobriety suits you..

 

Keep it up..

 

Butttttttttttt.....

 

The words I quoted could also be said about your wife's feelings while you were buried in a bottle..

I am sure she felt disposable while you were getting drunk by yourself or your buddies..

I'm sure she also felt that she made a mistake also.. she must've been thinking.. what did I marry a drunk for ?

 

 

I'm just keeping you real.. and honest.. that is what sobriety is all about.. admitting to our short comings and asking the people that we hurt thru our drinking for forgiveness..

 

Although.. with all that being said it seems she is also not innocent... but you have to keep your short comings front and center first.

 

Aye, point taken and I have that in my head too just kind of quick posted a feeling there. Being the 'leavee' these feelings just naturally happen. I got a good peice of advice from a freind the other day.

 

"Why do you still want someone who doesn't want you?"

 

I thought up a sort of parallel for it.

 

You have a dog. At some point the dog starts biting you and running away. So you try to bring it back. It just keeps biting you and running away. How long would you keep wanting that dog around?

 

Or a car that breaks down on the road constantly, if you can't fix it eventually you get rid of it.

 

Unfortunately so go relationships sometimes.

[Art_Critic]

"Why do you still want someone who doesn't want you?"

 

That has always been the best phrase.. but it is also the hardest for it to sink in...

 

For me it only makes sense after I've been around the block and made an ass of myself for a while then it hits.. **Slaps forehead ** oh yeah.. why would I want someone that doesn't want me ? eff her...

[sumdude]

Well I finally think I found my sig line. Seemed like a good observation for anyone in a separation or divorce.

 

"Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical but it is often true."

[AHIWON]

Sumdude, that is kind of a tongue twister for the brain. Have to think about it for a bit before it makes sense. It's true tho.

[sumdude]

Sumdude, that is kind of a tongue twister for the brain. Have to think about it for a bit before it makes sense. It's true tho.

 

Yeah, takes a bit to work out. You can replace wanting with needing. We often find ourselves more in love with the idea of love and marriage rather than the person you might be married to. Same thing with the grass is greener mentality. You really really want the new lover then once you have them to yourself suddenly it's not all that. You want to have your freedom and after you get it you wonder what the big deal was all about.

 

I wanted (and part of me still wants but maybe not so much anymore) my wife to come back to me. If she did would all those same stresses that added to my problems with drinking come back too?

 

You see... I love my likely STBX however she is the type that always lives from crisis to crisis. If there is no crisis one must be created or something must be wrong. After 7 years of riding the crisis coaster with her I now think that I looked for solace and peace of mind in the wrong places. Plus add a dash of addictive susceptibility and depressive tendencies. I turned to isolation, drinking etc. So would having her back be any good for me?

 

I notice now that when my phone rings and it's a 'restricted' number or I wonder if it could be my wife calling I suddenly get a pang of anxiety rush. Wow if that ain't a sign what is? Maybe I'll finally get some peace around me again. She's awfully smart too. She even said the line "Maybe we're just not good for each other."

 

I like peace, life is way too short to get hung up on every little percieved slight, offense, mistake or weakness. My STBX could take a tiny critical comment from someone and turn it into a huge deal until they became all bad. They call this black and white thinking. Someone or something is either all bad or all good with little in between. It's also a big sign of the adult child of alcoholics or what they call a dry drunk. She was this way long before I got into my problem. I think I just brought all that stuff back up to the very surface rather than just a foot or two below. And she brought my problems to the surface where I grew up in a house with constant anger, yelling, stress and negativity. She withdrew affection which brought out my insecurities. Round n' round in a downward spiral we went. When the dream of having a baby was broken my wife must have looked around and at me wondering " What is my purpose now? Is this all there is for me?"

 

When life got really hard we both cracked in different ways. I felt I had to hide from the anger, stress and grief all around me which was coming from my wife, my sis and my mom. So I hid in a bottle. She felt abandoned as a small child when her mom suddenly moved out one day. I think she again felt abandoned when I slowly moved out psychologically and emotionally into the bottle. So eventually my wife followed her mother's example and suddenly moved out. If we had each spent more time in IC and then MC we might have avoided these pitfalls but we have to learn the hard way sometimes don't we?

 

I am willing to try again, to work things out. My STBX is not. This is a thing I cannot change and I must accept it. So I'm left to mourn a lost love and move on in my life hopefully a better person.

 

"I can see clearly now the pain is gone, gonna be a bright bright sunshiny day."

 

Gunny you really really nailed it in that one post. Thanks again. ever thought of going into business doing this stuff?

[sumdude]

So yesterday I'm rolling aliong working on my head to get into the idea of a happy single life. Hadn't heard nor seen my stbx for a week. She calls me in the afternoon. Started off with she called to see how I was doing...?? Sure whatever, chatted a bit then the convo turned to some practical stuff about money and things. She is still talking about moving out to the middle of nowhere Montana to live and work on some horse ranch etc etc. At this time anything she says is taken with a big grain of salt. At one point I asked her if she was sure....about everything. She said yes. I told her I was setting her free too.

 

Just talking to her set me back a bit. I started doing the bargaining thing in my head wondering what Montana would be like I had to stop myself there. So the rest of the day I was feeling a bit down. That divorce recovery 101 site has really good advice. They say you need at least 21 days of total NC before you get an ex started out of your system. I see that to be pretty accurate. Every time you even talk to them your brain tries to get the next fix like an alcoholic or addict but you'll never get it. I feel for people with kids that have to deal with the ex regularly.

 

So last night I talked myself into being as firm and direct with her as possible without being mean and avoid all unnecesary contact. I don't hate her and will not get angry but firm.

 

Now it's all about legal things...mostly money and I have to keep my eyes open. Like Gunny said, she is now my adversary and I can't let her twist me around her finger again like she has the last few weeks when I was given false hope as a means to an end for her. I don't really blame her but that's all I'll take anymore.

[Ladyjane14]

She is still talking about moving out to the middle of nowhere Montana to live and work on some horse ranch etc etc. At this time anything she says is taken with a big grain of salt.

 

And well you should... essentially, she's running away from home so she can become a COWBOY.

 

They say you need at least 21 days of total NC before you get an ex started out of your system. I see that to be pretty accurate. Every time you even talk to them your brain tries to get the next fix like an alcoholic or addict but you'll never get it.

 

That sounds reasonable to me. I don't see what you'd have to lose at this point by giving it a shot.

[dropdeadlegs]

Interesting about the 21 days of NC. I also have read that it takes 21 days to create a habit (in the manner of housekeeping.)

 

Human psychology is pretty simple with that considered.

 

Montana has a great appeal to me. Until I consider the long hard winters. Does she have a real plan, or just a fantasy?

 

Keep on keeping on, sumdude.

[sumdude]

Interesting about the 21 days of NC. I also have read that it takes 21 days to create a habit (in the manner of housekeeping.)

 

Human psychology is pretty simple with that considered.

 

Montana has a great appeal to me. Until I consider the long hard winters. Does she have a real plan, or just a fantasy?

 

Keep on keeping on, sumdude.

 

21 days seems to be the detox period for drugs and alcohol too. Make or break a habit I suppose.

 

She says that she has a contact in Montana from someone she has worked with here locally. I guess it's a chance to live out a fantasy for her. She didn't get a chance to live out the dream of having kids so with all we were going through I guess she decided to go live out something else. She did say she was having a crisis not long before she left me. She doesn't like the cold much so it surprisies me a little...well a lot. Either way I have no idea what to believe at this point and can't waste my brain and stress on it anymore.

 

But what the hell, if she was that unhappy why hold on to something that simply won't work anymore? I'll be just fine and hopefully she'll find what she's looking for and solace to heal whatever she needs to heal. Or maybe a long term monogamous relationship is just something she's not capable of. Whatever my problems have been she is basically self centered and always has been. I was wearing the love colored glasses for a long while.

 

 

You know, I think I'll need to live out a dream or two myself at this point. In a way this could be the best thing for us both...... No point in harboring anger and resentment, that would only spoil the rest of my life.

[daisydo]

I have just read this thread all the way though. It has really touched and affected me. About 5 months ago, I ended a relationship with an alcoholic. Well, first he ended it with me.. Then begged for me to come back.. and I said "No." Then I moved back to my home state. We were not married, but we've been in love for over two years, known each other for three.. and lived together for about a year.

 

I really didn't know what I was getting myself into when I got involved with him. All I knew was that I loved him and that he was special and dear to me. He was depressed.. had some issues due to a death close to him. I wanted to help him and be there to support him. He turned to the bottle instead.

 

I repressed a lot of my feelings while I was with him.. and it even took me a long time to admit to myself that he was an alcoholic. Everything about him screamed it, but I didn't want to hear it. Things unraveled quickly and he was out every night drinking.. there was suspicious activity going on too .. possibly some infidelity (never on my part). My heart was breaking. There were days where I could hardly keep it together at work.

 

I related to your story because like you, my ex was a musician, surrounded by booze all the time. I told him when we ended things that I couldn't be with him.. I loved him but I couldn't handle the alcoholism anymore. It was up to him now. I told him six months and if everything goes smooth, I'll come back.

 

I saw him about a month ago - still drinking.. no progress. I still love him but I KNOW I cannot be with him if he is still drinking. I read through your post and my heart just broke because I want nothing more for him to have the same realizations you did. I am not holding my breath.. and I am now starting to realize we are never going to be together.

 

I just wanted to applaud you for everything you've done - your sobriety, your introspection. If only other people could attain that sort of clarity.

 

Take care.

[Gunny376]

I have just read this thread all the way though. It has really touched and affected me. About 5 months ago, I ended a relationship with an alcoholic. Well, first he ended it with me.. Then begged for me to come back.. and I said "No." Then I moved back to my home state. We were not married, but we've been in love for over two years, known each other for three.. and lived together for about a year.

 

I really didn't know what I was getting myself into when I got involved with him. All I knew was that I loved him and that he was special and dear to me. He was depressed.. had some issues due to a death close to him. I wanted to help him and be there to support him. He turned to the bottle instead.

 

I repressed a lot of my feelings while I was with him.. and it even took me a long time to admit to myself that he was an alcoholic. Everything about him screamed it, but I didn't want to hear it. Things unraveled quickly and he was out every night drinking.. there was suspicious activity going on too .. possibly some infidelity (never on my part). My heart was breaking. There were days where I could hardly keep it together at work.

 

I related to your story because like you, my ex was a musician, surrounded by booze all the time. I told him when we ended things that I couldn't be with him.. I loved him but I couldn't handle the alcoholism anymore. It was up to him now. I told him six months and if everything goes smooth, I'll come back.

 

I saw him about a month ago - still drinking.. no progress. I still love him but I KNOW I cannot be with him if he is still drinking. I read through your post and my heart just broke because I want nothing more for him to have the same realizations you did. I am not holding my breath.. and I am now starting to realize we are never going to be together.

 

I just wanted to applaud you for everything you've done - your sobriety, your introspection. If only other people could attain that sort of clarity.

 

Take care.

 

That's "All day STRONG!"

 

Good post! Damned GOOD post!

 

Orrrrraaaaha!

[sumdude]

 

 

I just wanted to applaud you for everything you've done - your sobriety, your introspection. If only other people could attain that sort of clarity.

 

Take care.

 

Thanks daisydo....

 

I read your post earlier and it took me a while to even know how to reply....

I feel for you and can only imagine what it was like from the other side.

Knowing that my wife suffered mostly in silence and that her repressed anger threw us into a vicious cycle. She would push me away and then I would withdraw more and drink more.

 

I had hoped that she too would have waited things out and returned as you were willing to do and reading that really affected me. In fact it was what she told me at the beginning then went back on her word. I guess once she made the decision to move out it was done in her mind and even taking the risk that I might one day return to my problems was too much for her. She also had other plans of her own it seems.

 

When it comes to addicts in general they have to 'hit bottom' at some point to make the changes for themselves. Everybody has a different bottom. Mine was obviously losing the one most dear to me, my wife. I have met plenty who went far far deeper than that before they came out of it. Some never do.

 

There is nothing you can do for him but let him go for your own sake and his.

 

The other night when my wife basically ended the marriage one thing she said really struck me.

 

"Now YOU can decide whether to drink or not."

 

Somehow she got it into her head that she was responsible for my sobriety, I would say she was critical to my initial decision to stop and the idea of us getting back together was some motivation. But in the end it is me making the decision not to drink every day and not her. I can kind of understand why she might see it that way but again she made it all about her. It's something she has a habit of doing. Somewhat narcissistic. She did the same thing in a way when my mother was dying. There was all this trouble and grief going on and she created herself a martyr role in it all. Taking a few bad moments with my sister and having that overshadow the real tragedy going on. Then again there were a couple tragedys going on at the same time there.

 

On another note my brother his wife and kids are in town for Easter. Dinner at dad's was very strange the other night. There are three women suddenly missing and I was pretty down but i will get through.

 

My mother who we lost to cancer a year ago.

My sister who the family has shunned because of her awful behavior over the years and treatment of my wife on Christmas.

My wife who left me in January.

 

Not a banner year for sumdude by any means....so it will have to just get better from here right?

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is awful...My father died back in 1993.

 

My sister who the family has shunned because of her awful behavior over the years and treatment of my wife on Christmas.

 

I hope one day the problems with your sister and the rest of the family get worked out. Life is too short....

 

Stay strong.