Husband talking behind my back

[Northern CA Gal]

My husband and I have been married for nearly five years. Much of that time our relationship has been very strained for a variety of reasons. Despite some of the challenges neither one of us quite willing to call it quits yet. But that time seems to be drawing ever closer. Recently I learned quite by accident that my husband had been saying some very cruel things about me to his friends while chatting with them online.

 

While using his computer one night I accidently got into the message archive for messages sent to his son using Yahoo Messenger. Among other things he described what a bitch I was and how reading his son's online blog was incredibly rude and intrusive of me. Now I might not understand much about teenagers but don't kids use things like MySpace so other people WILL read them? The only time I read his son't blog online was while the kid was living with us. I suspected his son was having a homosexual relationship and quite frankly I wanted to know his lifestyle choices since we were sharing a roof. I tried to ask the boy about it directly but he denied having any sexual interest in men. But his blog stated unequivocally to the contrary. Anyway I confronted my husband about the horrid things he said about me in his messages and he absolutely screamed at me for the gross invasion of his privacy. I tried to explain that I had stumbled into message-archive land by accident but he just would not listen. So now he's angry with ME. Does that seem backward to anyone else?

[IpAncA]

Your H shouldn't be bad mouthing you like that. It's disrespectful among other things. Wonder what else he's been saying. How would he like it if you did that to him? My guess is he wouldn't like it.

 

With the whole Myspace thing, yes the pubic can view it unless he had it set to only certain people could read it. Sounds like he wasn't ready to say come out with his sexuality fully. If you did something that you shouldn't have done then yes it was not right. It was private.

 

I actually think that you and your H could use some counseling. You said that your coming close to calling is quits. Why? What else is going on?

[whichwayisup]

Anyway I confronted my husband about the horrid things

 

In all honesty, I think your H was more upset at you for being upset that his son may be gay. You say "horrid" things like the son being gay is wrong. SO what if he is. Maybe he isn't ready to come out and tell everybody.

 

BUT, I DO believe that parents should know about what their kids are up to online - Myspace, instant messaging...it's important to know JUST INCASE.

I think your H would agree with that aspect of checking up on his son online - Just don't make it about him being gay...That's prying into HIS personal life, and just because he lives in the same house, he still deserves to have his privacy.

 

IpAncA is right, what else is going on in your marriage? How are you and your H on a daily basis? What's the dynamic, how does he treat you most of the time? And how do you treat him?

[JackJack]

In all honesty, I think your H was more upset at you for being upset that his son may be gay. You say "horrid" things like the son being gay is wrong. SO what if he is. Maybe he isn't ready to come out and tell everybody.

 

 

I agree, with this, that very well may be part of it.

 

Notice I said only part of it, its probably not the whole issue. The way you described him screaming at you kind of came across to me as, he was upset that since you came across the message archive perhaps he felt you would stumble across something else as well?

 

How are things in the marriage before you read that message?

[Northern CA Gal]

In all honesty, I think your H was more upset at you for being upset that his son may be gay. You say "horrid" things like the son being gay is wrong. SO what if he is. Maybe he isn't ready to come out and tell everybody.

 

 

I agree, with this, that very well may be part of it.

 

Notice I said only part of it, its probably not the whole issue. The way you described him screaming at you kind of came across to me as, he was upset that since you came across the message archive perhaps he felt you would stumble across something else as well?

 

How are things in the marriage before you read that message?

 

 

Thanks for your feedback. It probably was true when I originally read the sons blog that my husband's anger was over the likely event that his son is gay. Or more likely bisexual. Since the son habitually talked about men in a sexual way on his blog and knows that his father has read it before I presume the boy wants his Dad to find out without actually having to tell him.

 

I believe that you summed up the situation perfectly in my husband's extreme anger about the reading of his Yahoo Messenger archive. He was definitely feeling paranoid. Since I came across his messages unintentionally that day I went back again to see if he deleted everything and sure enough he has. And turned off message archiving. Of course that's like closing the gate after the horses are already in the field. Reading the way he talked about me showed very clearly his total lack of respect. To answer your quesiotn about how marriage is, its very strained. I can't help but wonder why you would bother continuing to be married to someone you thought so ill of as he thinks of me. I'm feeling pretty sad and frustrated about the whole situation.

[Guest]

In all honesty, I think your H was more upset at you for being upset that his son may be gay. You say "horrid" things like the son being gay is wrong. SO what if he is. Maybe he isn't ready to come out and tell everybody.

 

BUT, I DO believe that parents should know about what their kids are up to online - Myspace, instant messaging...it's important to know JUST INCASE.

I think your H would agree with that aspect of checking up on his son online - Just don't make it about him being gay...That's prying into HIS personal life, and just because he lives in the same house, he still deserves to have his privacy.

 

IpAncA is right, what else is going on in your marriage? How are you and your H on a daily basis? What's the dynamic, how does he treat you most of the time? And how do you treat him?

 

 

I'm sorry, I don't think I articulated well here. I don't mind that his son might be gay. I mind that it has to be a huge secret and that he was apparently lying to his father about his interest in men. I feel that if he will deny something as fundamental as his sexual preferences it is an easy step to lying about anything that suits him. And I did not want THAT in my house. Being gay is fine. Lying about it is a problem. In regard to my husband's feelings about reading the boys blog (which was totally public and did not require passwords or permission to read) he does mind if I read that. He became extremely angry when he found out that I had been reading it. But I still don't think I did anything wrong and don't see how anything posted on the internet could be deemed "private."