Need help with EX **** hit the fan

[badz2801]

Ok got a question. My ex keeps iming me and basically starting bitching matches. She keeps trying to hurt me and talks to my friends all the time. My friends in return tell her everything about me. I ask them not to, but they do it anywase. I live with them and the situation is starting to get bad.

 

I miss Rachel like hell and I want to talk to her but she wont just be nice. She always starts something and she accepts no responsibility for what she has done. The hardest part is that my freind who is telling her this stuff agrees with her and is involved in my relationship.

 

I would really like to be down with this entire thing and just move on. I guess I should just stop talking about her and

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by badz2801

I guess I should just stop talking about her and

 

...and??? LOL You left us hangin here.

[badz2801]

and give her the pictures she wants??? LOL sorry

[badz2801]

OK i tried to just let things go but this is what happens when i dont contact her.

 

 

Her: thats fine keep them, but the blackmailing will stop...and so WILL ALL contact

Me: so stop talking to me and i am not blackmailing you

 

Auto response from Her: busy

 

Her: you most certainly are

Her: either you be nice to me or I keep bad pics of you

Her: what is that??

Me: no i told you that if you hurt me on purpose if you **** with me

Me: i will use them

Her: blackmail

Me: so just let me be

Me: let me be in my own life

Me: Me: stay out of it

Me: and dont ask if i am ok

Me: you dont need to know

Her: and thats blackmail....I am not hurting you on purpose and I am not ****ing with you but if i find out that you did anything with those pics

Her: or you showed them to anyone Ian

Me: your gonna do what?

Me: just let me go

Her: I have

Me: stay out of my life totally

Her: i did long ago

Me: i know you did

Me: and i am glad that you showed me how shallow you are b4 i put a ring on your finger

Her: good then you need to move on and stop "trying to remember" what you had in me

Me: rach you contacted me

Me: Me: you should move on

Her: to get the ****ing pistures back Ian

Her: only for one reason and It wasnt cuz I wanted to talk to you

Me: yeah well i tried to be nice and civil and tried to get along and keep somethings in common

Me: and you pissed that away too

Me: now you cant have them back

Her: you sound like a brat now...and fine keep them but dont you ****ing show anyone or do anything with them

Me: then if you leave me alone i wont

Me: just stay out of my life competely

Her: I have been Ian

Me: no

Her: I want to be out completely...and I would like my sweats also

Me: you have been talking to my friends and asking questions

Me: and asking for favors

Her: nope they contacted me

Me: Me: no

Me: sorry

Her: yeah they did not last night but before

Me: i have convos that prove otherwise

Me: i dont care rach

Me: live your JMU life

Her: good then dont ****ing bring it up

Me: enjoy your men

Her: I have been

Her: I am

Me: good

Me: then walk on

Me: and stop bugging me

Her: i have Ian

Her: cuz I am buggin you

Me: then do it instead of saying it

Her: you are holding on to any little thing you can of me

Me: you are sick rach

Me: Her: OBVIOUSLY

Her: you have not moved on

Her: no Ian no one would say I was the sick one

Her: NO ONE

Me: yeah i have thats why i dont want your ass back

Me: see i dont need anyone

Me: and i was actually in love

Her: and I dont need you

Me: i dont need you either

Her: well I guess you are saying i wasnt

Me: i held you up for 11 months

Me: and rebuilt you after heith

Her: good then give me my cloathes and

Her: those pcs

Her: and prove it

Me: rach go away!

 

Man I give up!!

[Ally Boo]

Ok guess my blonde roots are showing bc I dont get all this black mail stuff...wtf is that all about? Who has pics of whom?

[butterflyz]

she hurt you and you guys have a strange way of breaking up.

 

stop all contact.

[badz2801]

Umm the pics are of her and they are not the kind of pics that I could post or show to people.

 

Yes I don't understand our way of breaking up either. She called it quits but she keeps trying to talk to me and bother me. I have just decided not to answer the phone or her im's. It really sucks when there is someone you love that is self destructive and does not remember all the good things you did for them.

[badz2801]

Ok got a question for you all.

 

rachel told me my ideas where stupid and basically the way in which i live is stupid.

 

Now for the question. I have been trying to figure out if it is a good idea to just go out and have fun right now. As in sleep with as many women as I want and just live life up. There is a side of me that wants to do that, but I dont really relish telling my wife one day that I have been with 20 people. Is that kind of life style ok to live? Rachel seems to jump from guy to guy living the high life while it is good. I have never understood that idea and I am really picky about who i date, much less sleep with. I have only been with one person and that is her. It just seems like my morals and way of life are out dated (I am a CS major). SO basically do you think it is ok to sleep with as many people as you want? I really don't like taking advantage of people like that, but it seems that is how things are played in college.

 

Any info would be greatly appreciated.

[Ally Boo]

When I was going through my divorce...after I left my ex husband, I slept with more people than I wish I would have. 2 of them, I haven't heard from since....and my ex husband was my first. So sleeping around may not be the best choice if you are trying to heal yourself. I don't regret it, it just wasn't like me.

 

I mean there are different ways of looking at it....what is "socially acceptable" and what is right for you. NEVER confuse the two....if sleeping around is not your way of being yourself, then DON'T. It WAS my way of dealing with it temporarily.

 

Now as far as what to do. Pick up a new hobby. I picked up Pool. Now I'm kinda bored with that so I'm looking for something else to do. Try to spend at least 1 hour a week (more if you can) of ME time. Be it going to a park and swinging or riding a bike....Spend time by yourself...that's the hardest thing for me to do, but its good for you. Heck, even go eat by yourself at a little diner or cafe....you'll be suprised of the good conversation that will come out of it.

[HokeyReligions]

You have pictures of her. Presumably these are sexy pictures. You don't want her contacting you.

 

Right so far?

 

 

Then give her the pictures back. Close the relationship and move on. If the relationship is over why in the world would you want to keep the photos?

 

You have a friend that is telling her stuff and seems to be closer to her than you.

 

Sounds like he is HER friend then and not yours. Move on from him, don't share with him anything you don't want her to know.

 

If this friend is interfering with your relationship with HER, then dump that relationship so he has nothing to interfer with.

 

If you do decide to start sleeping around - be safe & use condoms. I suggest you think it through tho before you get out there with other women.

[badz2801]

I choose to keep the photos simply b/c she wanted them back. They are also serve as leverage since she constantly tries to hurt me. She took so much from me in the relationship that I am not about to give into her demands and give her what she wants. All contact has stopped and the relartionship is closed.

 

I choose not to sleep around because that is just not me and I did not want to follow her path. If anything I have learned to be your own person and not to worry about what others think. You only have one life to live...might as well live it the way you want.

 

Badz2801

[HokeyReligions]

I don't know why you feel you need leverage. If the relationship is over then she might be able to hurt your feelings, but how can she hurt your life? Can she prevent you from getting work? Get you kicked out of church or clubs or whatever? If its something like this then you need to find a way to put a stop to that and keeping something to blackmail a blackmailer is the wrong way to go about it.

 

Give her the pictures. Burn them and send her the ashes or something, but don't give her any reason for harassing you abut them.

 

You need to find permanent closure for the relationship so that you can move on.

 

I have a relative that harassed me and threatened to blackmail me into doing what she wanted. I looked at what she was using to blackmail me with and realized that it was stupid and untrue so I brought it out and disproved it and told her to leave me alone. She did not and the more she tried to hurt me and the less hurt I felt and that made her angry. She put so much energy into it that other people started seeing how totally stupid and childish she was being. It could have cost her job and she finally realized that, but before she did I had to get a restraining order against her and her immediate family. I changed my phone number and discontinued my relationship with some of those friends we had in common. I figured that if they were taking her side then I didn't need them in my life. It wasn't easy because we share some relatives, but it's been 25+ years since I've talked to or seen my sister. I haven't seen her kids since they were little (I partially raised them) and I haven't seen her grandkids. Our mother lives with me now and our brother is in the middle. He is in contact with her on a limited basis but we don't talk about her when we are together and they don't talk about me or our mother.

 

Do what you have to do to close the relationship and move on.

[badz2801]

The relationship is closed, however I am not over her. I wish to keep the photos because she has a lot of informatoin on me that could get me in trouble. We were not a calm couple and did things that could cuase bad repercussions. I know I should send them to her, and I will one day. I do not wish to let her have what she wants. You have to understand she dragged me thru the mud and I let her. Thus, I do not wish to give into her demands.

 

I am sorry to hear about the relationship that you had with your sister. Sometimes people are just not able to let go. I might be one of them in fact as I am having a hell of a time trying to just be happy. I would never actually use the photos unless she did something major as it would be illegal (slander). I know none of this makes sense, but I am still not ready to let it go. I have tried but when I am not occupied it comes back to haunt me. I guess I am not done yet, becuase I never wanted it to be done to begin with.

 

Sincerely

Badz2801

[badz2801]

sorry I forgot to add this...

 

I know you think its stupid that I keep the photos and not close the relationship. But to give you an idea of what is going on... I just got imed with an away message that says getting ass. This was Rachels away message and she knows it would kill me to hear about that. Do you understand why I keep them now. She purposfully sends me **** like that to screw me all up. Why would she do this, she left me! I did nothing to her, infact I tried to rival all her other boyfriends. What kind of person does it take to be mad at someone that they screwed over in the first place. I cannot understand how someone you held so close that you shared everything with could do this to someone.

[badz2801]

I am sorry I did not clarify things first. She imed me with that message. I was looking at another window which happened to be an away message of someone else when I typed that. Thus, the mind does unusual things. She sent me that message and your right it borders on harassment of me!

 

Yes i guess you could call it a form of blackmail. I will use those photos if she tries to hurt me. I don't think you understand what she is capable of and I would not expect you too from a forum message. No one here really has any idea of what really went down besides me as you all were not there. Yes it is true that in many ways I let her mess me up. But she is my first love and I am defiantly a sucker for her. I don't talk to her she talks to me. I have set up AOL IM so she cannot contact me anymore.

 

There is more to this story now. I predicted she would want me back and realize what she has done but only to be too late. Well I was right. She admitted she was wrong and wants me back. This is some kind of sick game and to be honest I would love to take her back. I just cannot trust her. She violated strong bonds and that dark side of her will always be there. You say cut my losses, you try cutting losses when someone does this to you. In reality I lost big time. I am not able to find someone new. I am very picky (for the wrong qualities) and I don't meet many new women.

 

You are correct, I was living in a different relationship that I thought I was. It was always there I just did not want to see it. Thats why I did not trust her and why I never will. I don't know what will make all this go away. But the advice to cut losses, stay busy, get involved only distracts the mind. In the end I think time and suffering are the only things that make people move on.

 

Thank you for your comments and I am sorry I was not clear with what I posted.

[katy_katt]

First of all, how old are the both of you? I only ask because I have an idea of how old you are and I would like to know if I am right.

 

Now, ok...here's what you do:

 

1. I assume that whatever pictures you're talking about are residing somewhere on your computer. Next time she im's you, don't say anything to her. Just send her whatever pictures she's talking about (unless they also include you).

 

"I choose to keep the photos simply b/c she wanted them back. They are also serve as leverage since she constantly tries to hurt me. "

 

So her 'leverage' is nasty little messages left on your im...her way of hurting you. This seems to be the biggest sore spot in your relationship right now, and you're not helping anything by keeping these pictures! Simply keeping them from her just because she wants them back is YOUR way of hurting her, so of course she's going to try and reciprocate. And in fact, the whole thing sounds pretty childish to me.

 

 

2. This girl sounds dangerous. You said you removed her from your AIM list, which is a good first step, but it sounds like you two are still in touch. I have to ask you, if the relationship is over, then why are you still giving her the opportunity to hurt you again and again? DON'T TALK TO HER, AND DON'T LET HER TALK TO YOU!! Yes, she is still playing sick mind games with you by telling you she wants you back, and I can imagine that if you gave her half the chance and took her back, she would just end up hurting you again, and probably even worse than before. She only wants you back now that you have cut off some communication with her...a simple of case of 'wanting most what you can't have'. Do yourself a favor and cut off ALL communication with her.

 

You say that you would love to take her back but it sounds like it's only because you don't feel like you can find anybody else. Why are you in such a hurry to get back into another relationship after getting hurt so much in this one? She betrayed your trust and it may be a while before you will be able to trust anyone again. If it's because you miss the sex, there are other ways to take care of that until the right person comes along. Take my advice, don't go out and sleep with a bunch of women. You do not seem to have the right mind for it and you will only end up feeling guilty about yourself. Not only that, but you might end up finding yourself entangled in a sex-based relationship which may not be healthy.

 

I know it's hard to just cut your losses and move on, but it can be done. Believe me, I have done it before and I am in the process of doing it again. I once spent a good four months *completely* by myself and it was lonely as hell, but it was needed, and I feel I am a better person for it . . . All it takes is a strong mind and sense of self. If you're not willing to bite the bit once in a while and prepare yourself for these kinds of things, then you will continue to have problems.

 

Good luck.

[Just A Girl2]

Come on now, use common sense.....when there are "racy pictures" taken within the confines of a relationship, and that relationship ends, the person who the pictures are of, naturally wants them back!! DUH!

 

So you say she's being mean to you. Well I'll tell you why? She's freaking out about the pictures and doesn't know how else to handle things.....I'm guessing she's already tried "nicely asking" for them back, but you've either ignored her request or told her to buzz off..meaning, she could see that you wouldn't return them.

 

No person wants to have to worry that racy pics of themself are going to end up in the wrong hands, on the Internet, shown (maliciously) to family/friends. Have some consideration and return them, PRONTO.

 

You are the one keeping this all going, and YES, I do see that you're blackmailing her. You're telling her that because she's not nice to you, she's not going to get her pictures back.

 

Put on your thinking-cap.....and figure out that if you RETURN THE PICS PRONTO, then she'll have further reason to have contact with you. Why the heck would you want these pictures anyway? Be a half decent human being and return the darn pictures already......then get on with your life.

 

From someone who's been there

[Just A Girl2]

What the heck is this?

 

"Yes i guess you could call it a form of blackmail. I will use those photos if she tries to hurt me. I don't think you understand what she is capable of and I would not expect you too from a forum message. No one here really has any idea of what really went down besides me as you all were not there. Yes it is true that in many ways I let her mess me up. But she is my first love and I am defiantly a sucker for her. I don't talk to her she talks to me. I have set up AOL IM so she cannot contact me anymore."

 

First of all, stop blaming her for everything. There are 2 sides to every relationship breakdown. How in the world can you claim that you don't TALK TO HER anymore, but that she talks to you? Um, she can't be talking to dead air, so you must also be talking.

 

You've ADMITTED right here that you're blackmailing her with these pictures, and why. Yet in previous posts, and in that IM conversation to her, you DENIED blackmailing her? Better look up the definition of blackmail, buddy.

 

Stop with the drama...all this crap about what she's capable of. Unless she's part of the Mafia, I think you're making mountains out of molehills. Give her back the flippin pictures, take some responsibility for YOUR part in the ending of your relationship, grow up, change your AIM screen name (so she can't contact you) and quit chirping about her to your friends......and all will be fine.

 

From your posts here, YOU are the one who's continually perpetuating this little soap opera. Give the girl what she wants....if the pics are OF HER, then she's entitled (morally) to have them back. Have some decency.