Meaplus3 Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I was not sure where to post this within the LS forum, so I choose to post it here because so many of you here have been very dear to me. I meet with my therapist today and I explained that I did not feel closure I was looking for with XMM. Last conversation with XMM in DEC was about him regaining control. XMM is a control freak, this bother's me. I was advised by my therapist to write down what I want to say and then when I meet with my therapist again next week she will look it over. I do not plan to break NC, but I am wondering how a final letter will help? Any suggestion's or feedback would be great. Keep in mind this XMM lives nextdoor and as my therapist said today " it's like dangeling a carrot in front of a bunny rabbit", difficult situation! AP:) BTW- Sorry for the typo's I am very tired. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Writing it down helps you get all your thoughts out of your head where they are swirling around continually. You'll be able to sort out your thoughts and come to a conclusion for yourself about what he did that upset you most. Once it's out on paper, you can work on dealing with each individual issue - you were part of this affair, too, so you'll be able to better understand yourself and why he's still got such a hold on you. Once you understand that, you can do something to change your thought patterns. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 It will allow you closure, to get out all that you think/feel about the xMM. He isn't going to ever give you the closure you want, so your therapist is making you give it to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Strictly my opinion...here goes. I would advise against a letter for at least two reasons. First, it will break NC. He receives the letter and may feel compelled to respond either because he thinks he has to or because he wants to do so. If he wants to write back or contact you, this may bring the temptation of him back again. If he does not want to but feels compelled to, he may still be tempting. This goes for both sides. Once NC is broken, the chance for a relationship is opened up. If you have no feelings for him, then this may not be a problem, but I am guessing you still have feelings. Second, it opens up the possibility of public awareness. I know your husband knows, but you said you think MM has not told his wife the truth...or at least the complete truth. Your letter may reopen that can of worms if the letter is discovered. I am guessing that the therapist is helping you reach closure by writing the letter. She may not even want you to send it. This may be good. I am certainly not wanting to say she is wrong if she says send the letter. I do not have her experience, nor do I want to second guess her. She knows you and your situation better than I do. I am curious..not being judgmental...why do you need more closure? Not having that kind of feeling before, how does closure help? Do you feel that if he knows your feelings and you both say goodbye...then you have closure? You sound like you are progressing. Keep it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 It will allow you closure, to get out all that you think/feel about the xMM. He isn't going to ever give you the closure you want, so your therapist is making you give it to yourself. Whichway, What you said here is what I was thinking as well. I need to give it to myself. It's been a long haul here for me and it's about time I let go fully, just wish it was not so tough. I am such a sensitve loving person a big weakness for me to get hurt in a big kind of way. AP:( Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Why does it bug you so much that he is a control freak? Just curious... Look at it this way, it doesn't matter what he thinks or feels anymore, he's a NOBODY in your life. All he is now is fantasy guy that really never was. He wasn't the BIG CHEESE you set him up to be - Accept that, know that no matter HOW he makes you feel, it's all crap. All of it. Heal yourself, cry and talk to your therapist, and I'm sure very soon you'll feel nothing for him at all. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 First, it will break NC. James, it's a theraputic letter for her, not to give to him. Most therapists do this to help get closure... I did this when my father died, and then not so long ago when I was having issues with my mom. It just helps you see things in a healthier way, and helps you let go, move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 Strictly my opinion...here goes. I would advise against a letter for at least two reasons. First, it will break NC. He receives the letter and may feel compelled to respond either because he thinks he has to or because he wants to do so. If he wants to write back or contact you, this may bring the temptation of him back again. If he does not want to but feels compelled to, he may still be tempting. This goes for both sides. Once NC is broken, the chance for a relationship is opened up. If you have no feelings for him, then this may not be a problem, but I am guessing you still have feelings. Second, it opens up the possibility of public awareness. I know your husband knows, but you said you think MM has not told his wife the truth...or at least the complete truth. Your letter may reopen that can of worms if the letter is discovered. I am guessing that the therapist is helping you reach closure by writing the letter. She may not even want you to send it. This may be good. I am certainly not wanting to say she is wrong if she says send the letter. I do not have her experience, nor do I want to second guess her. She knows you and your situation better than I do. I am curious..not being judgmental...why do you need more closure? Not having that kind of feeling before, how does closure help? Do you feel that if he knows your feelings and you both say goodbye...then you have closure? You sound like you are progressing. Keep it up. James, I need more closure because I feel that as long as I have to co exist with this person in a neighborhood fashion I want my final word's to be heard. his words:"I told my wife. I told her you had some inappropriate feeling's for me", Ok, yes I did. Did he tell her what kind of feeling's he had for me, NO WAY, infact he did not say a word to her at all and I am sure of that! This XMM is in management of Social Work. He try's to keep family's together for a living for God's sake. I was played by him and then controlled by him. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Can'tGiveUp Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I am curious..not being judgmental...why do you need more closure? Not having that kind of feeling before, how does closure help? Do you feel that if he knows your feelings and you both say goodbye...then you have closure? I needed that. It doesn't take away any of the pain in ending or in moving forward, but I think it makes it easier to do so. I think it depends entirely on the people involved. We didn't meet one last time for anything more than to say goodbye. It was an opportunity to express how I felt, to say some of those things that I had withheld...to say goodbye to a very special person in my life. But, like I said it depends on the people involved. If one just wants that opportunity to try and "lure" the other back, then I can see why it wouldn't be wise. Writing the letter will give her the opportunity to do those things. Though I concur that sending it is probably not the right thing to do. Just the ability to sort out her thoughts and what she would say will hopefully help with moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I need more closure because I feel that as long as I have to co exist with this person in a neighborhood fashion And your therapist WILL give you coping skills and help you so when you DO see him out and about in the neighbourhood - YOU WILL be fine and be able to handle it without feeling or reacting. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I dont believe in closure. I think that is just a fictitious made up word. What closure would you possibly get if he mocked your letter (as he has humiliated you in the past) or even ignored it? It would just make things worse for you. NC means NC. Even if you wanted to wave hello at him, or give him the finger, dont break NC. Its a rule set up to protect you from him and you cannot take anymore new hurts right now. AP you have problems with making compulsive decisions and you have to will yourself not to contact him in any way shape or form, even if he tries to get into contact with you. BTW he isnt even worth a letter from you. Just picture a mental stop sign in your mind and say no. I wont do it. Although, journaling it would be a great idea. You'll look at it a year from now and laugh. You'll be glad you never sent it. PS I miss you. You havent been around much these days. Link to post Share on other sites
freakygal78 Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Wow for a minute there I thought you were my twin - I just went thru this closure letter thing a week or so back when I bumped into xMM in the street - I drafted an email that I nursed for a while, toyed with, honed and perfected and after a week sent it and thought it would help and I DID hear back from him too which was nice but it DIDN'T make me feel closure like I thought it would, RMD is right - I don't think it ever truly happens - some experiences just cut through the heart so much, we can never really forget, perhaps just hope to hell the thoughts fade in time and help us learn for the future. Sorry this sounds so trite...still struggling to move on in my heart - outwardly it often seems I have my stuff together again but yes, to detach the emotion is hard after not having seen him for almost 6 months even...except that once in the street and I nearly fell apart - I regressed several months in my progress I think...because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 I dont believe in closure. I think that is just a fictitious made up word. What closure would you possibly get if he mocked your letter (as he has humiliated you in the past) or even ignored it? It would just make things worse for you. NC means NC. Even if you wanted to wave hello at him, or give him the finger, dont break NC. Its a rule set up to protect you from him and you cannot take anymore new hurts right now. AP you have problems with making compulsive decisions and you have to will yourself not to contact him in any way shape or form, even if he tries to get into contact with you. BTW he isnt even worth a letter from you. Just picture a mental stop sign in your mind and say no. I wont do it. Although, journaling it would be a great idea. You'll look at it a year from now and laugh. You'll be glad you never sent it. PS I miss you. You havent been around much these days. Romeo, You are to sweet for missing me! I have been around, I like to read here alot. With my crazy shedule with the kid's I don't have time to post as much. I do like the idea of journaling. I think for the most part that's the line of thought my therapsit had. I dont think therapist want's me to send a letter , just write down my thought's to help me heal. I am sure I will look back on this all and laugh. Laughter can be a good thing. AP:D Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Journaling is great! Not only for this, but for everything. (I did a mini rant/post about my PMS - Just getting stuff OUT makes you feel better!) OFcourse your therapist doesn't want you sending the letter, that will just open up pandora's box and the cycle will start all over again....Get your closure by doing the letter(s) until YOU feel satisified. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 Journaling is great! Not only for this, but for everything. (I did a mini rant/post about my PMS - Just getting stuff OUT makes you feel better!) OFcourse your therapist doesn't want you sending the letter, that will just open up pandora's box and the cycle will start all over again....Get your closure by doing the letter(s) until YOU feel satisified. I am going to start my first journal entry this evening, I really like the idea. I agree with you that you can journal about anything. I also will write a letter or letter's if it takes that to get the hurt out of me. Funny how thing's can change so much in a year. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
freakygal78 Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 If it's a journal - then it can't cause any harm with him? and might help you.... Mine didn't cause a pandora's box to open - which i didn't really want but neither did I want dispassionate indifference....which didn't help my closure much....prolly made it worse... Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 I had a journal for about a year when I was going through all the shyt. 8 yrs later i came upon it, read it, and I have no idea who that woman was. After reading it, I burned it. It served its purpose well. Write your journal. Everytime you want to say something to him, scream at him, whatever. All the highs and the lows. It helps to write it when you're feeling it rather than doing something irrational. And don't forget to write little accomplishments in it. Link to post Share on other sites
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