I need to grow up--father won't let me

[LostHeart]

The past three or so years have been really tough on my family and this past year my mother finally up and left my father and us. I have three younger siblings (13 almost 14, 7 almost 8, 12) and I am 20. Growing up my mother and father always pushed that at the age of 18 you find your own path (read: own living space, job, life goals). I turned 18 and was in college so it was acceptable for me to remain home. Now I'm 20 and I've just completed my associates and I want to leave but my father refuses to let me. First, I decided I was going to go to a college roughly 3 hours away but he made me ditch the idea because he wanted me to drive it every day instead of renting a place closer to the college just for me and possibly a friend for a roommate. I was okay with this since I thought it best to save some money up first (though, I am having issues finding a job here).

So, I talk with my father about moving in with a friend instead--very close to home but I would be finding my own path. My father decides it best to bash the said friend and tries to convince me it is a terrible idea. I ditch the idea because of complications and lack of knowing how to deal with this.

Now, my boyfriend has lived with us for about 6 months. We have been in a LDR and he recently had to go back to his home. I have decided that I want to stay with him for a short period of time but I can't!

My father has made me into some sort of house-daughter. I do everything--cook, clean, laundry, tend to the children--EVERYTHING. He relies on me to be home from 9pm until the morning since he's at work. He relies on me to watch the children during his doctor's appointments. He relies on me to make sure the children have dinner, go to bed on time, and get clean. I am completely confused.

Like I said, I was taught that at age 18 one is suppose to go out and find life on their own. It's past my time and I'm becoming anxious--I feel like I'll be stuck at home my entire life too.

I guess I just need ideas on how to start moving away from my father. I don't even mind if i don't go far--I just need to grow up. I'm confused. Do I just tell my father, "This is how it's going to be." or do I ease into it...or...what?

I am so confused and almost scared to leave.

[Curmudgeon]

In your father's defense, the poort man is probably in a near state of panic. It's been a year or less since your mother abruptly left and here he is with four children at home, three of whom still need "mothering" and nurturing.

 

Despite how your parents raised you while they were together and the family was intact, times and circumstances have changed drastically. So, too, must everyone's expectations. There's nothing fair about it but it is very real.

 

I'm assuming your father needs to work to suppoort the household. If that's the case, the other children need someone to come home to after school, someone to tend to their needs and someone to provide for their care while your father is earning a living.

 

I know it's a huge sacrifice but I don't think it unreasonable for you to be expected to put your plans on hold for awhile for the greater good of your family. I know you wish to be grown up at age 20 but the flip side of the coin is that being grown up isn't always everything it's cracked-up to be and the reality is that you still have plenty of years ahead of you to follow your own pursuits -- many more than your father has left.

 

In the end, when you're really grown up, I think you'll look back at this and be proud that you gave so much for your father and your siblings, and they'll look back with a great deal of love and gratitude that you did.

[suegail]

Is all the responsibility at home standing in the way of your getting a job which will provide you with money you need to get out on your own? I mean, if a job became available, would you be free to take it?

 

Because of the fact that you are living at home, and at this time not financially able to help out, it's good that you have a way to help your father out...by watching the other kids and helping with the house - that's great. But you also need to have enough time of your own to put your plan into action. I think getting a job will be the key because you can save some money.

 

You're 20 years old - that's an adult. Perhaps it's hard for you to feel like an adult, because up to this point many decisions have been made for you, but you truly are and can begin to think in those terms.

 

Don't feel guilty in any way because you want to have a life of your own. I would think your father will understand how you feel. I would simply say to him that your goal at this point is to get a stable job and enough income to make it on your own.

[LostHeart]

I think moreso I'm being restricted. I know I'm an adult if you go by age but my father does not treat me so. I do not have time to myself because my father had burdened me with the children. My father has a lot of issues, I know...and I know that I would feel guilty leaving...but honestly he saw this coming three years ago.

I am currently looking for work but my area is very small so work is hard to find. It's also difficult to say that I need to be home at 7am and cannot work any later than 2pm. Then I could fit in a schedule from 5pm until 9pm. Odd work hours combined with the fact that they're not many jobs here = bad news.

And, not to speak badly of my father, he does not have to work--he chooses to work. He is quite able to draw social security or whatever but he decided he wanted to work. I think it's great he still has initiative to work but I feel there comes a line where you have to decide do I let my daughter grow up or do I continue to be in a rut? At least, that's how I feel. I mean, at the very least, he could change his work hours since it is his business (he has people that work for him...he just decides to supervise them really) and be home in time to, say, get the children. That would give me plenty of time to work a full shift. I don't know.

Thank you for responses though.

[Curmudgeon]

If I was your father I would keep my business going and work it to the best of my ability since I now have sole responsibility for all the children. Social Security sounds nice but doesn't provide all that much. I've been working over 40 years and I couldn't live on what I'll draw which is why I have a good retirement plan and investments. Rertirement plans are not something most self-employed people have the advantage of.

[MoonGirl]

LostHeart,

 

I don't agree with Curmudgeon's advice unless your father is struggling to make ends meet. Your father can certainly hire a babysitter to help you out. To have the responsibilty of 3 children at the age of 20 is a huge burden on you. I don't think you should abandon your siblings completely because, like Curmudgeon said, they will always look up to you and appreciate the time you spent with them. However, you should make sure you're living your life for you too. Perhaps you can help you father find a babysitter for the kids a couple nights a week so you can have some life of your own too.

[CardPlay3r]

I agree with moongirl, your father seems to be pretty much using you...and what do you mean he doesn't 'let' you do this and do that? Is that why his wife left him?

 

He has no right to let or not let you do anything with your life, you're a legal adult so do what you want...

[vluna00]

You might want to see it in a different angle. Let's say you live in an expensive city/town. You would probably make enough to pay just your rent. At home most of you money will become play/raining day money. So what do you have to do for it? Cook and clean (you'd have to do that anyway), watch siblings (that do their own thing anyway). So your dad's needs help, it is true that he can find someone else to do it. He can even start to get the other ones to help out as well. However those are you siblings and being an adult is also about knowing when to put your wants aside for the better good. Talk to your dad about the overload of responsibilities, tell him you would love to stay and help him in this time of need but you also need your own time and space. It's a give and take situation. Continue school, get your bachelors, save your checks, and when you graduate you have a little one right behind you that will have to take your place. He/She will be more willing to do the same thing for the others because you sacrifed first.

 

My best friend went through a similar situation when his parents split up. He was angry about "having" to stay home to "take care" of his sister and "pay" bills. That was 4 years ago and now he is glad that he did stay with his mom, eveything is falling into place and he is pretty much debt free, a charge nurse, 2 nice vehicles that are almost paid for, an understanding girlfriend (his weekend retreat, since she has her own place) and enough saved to take care of his own place soon.

[LostHeart]

I am in no way angry at my father for making me stay home--as a matter of fact, I was more than happy to babysit and such when asked until it got to an every day thing. He stopped asking if I had plans for the weekend or days away and if I meantioned that I had plans a couple of days away he kind of started making me feel guilty, "Oh...well...I'll have to see what we can do with the kids, I guess...I don't know...have fun though..." and then I'd feel like crap for thinking of myself and not the family.

The house we live in is paid for. My aunt owns it, as a matter of fact, and we don't have to a penny to live here exception of electricity and such. Our area is not a large area--very small community--and it would be very easy to find a babysitter for a night or two.

I mean...how do I start going on my own? I mean...I can't just up and leave one day and say screw you guys I'm doing my own thing--how do I start drifting off? I don't know. I'm just very confused.

[CardPlay3r]

I'm having trouble with the whole "making me stay home" thing, noone can make you stay there but yourself.

 

I don't know you haven't given that much info but might be he's manipulating and guilt tripping you into taking care of him and the kids. If he can afford to hire help he should...

 

Just do what you want to do, like you said he is well able to take care of the house himself

[justagirliegirl]

It does sound like you are being taken advantage of. You dad has his own business and employs others. He isn't broke then or making due on some minimum wage job.

 

He needs to hire someone to come in and take care of HIS children.

 

Make your plans to move out and do it. What is the worst he can do to you? Nothing!

[funmusicgirl]

yea, i agree, you arent in a good situation, i dont know how to

get out of it but good luck

[lonelybird]

I am in no way angry at my father for making me stay home--as a matter of fact, I was more than happy to babysit and such when asked until it got to an every day thing. He stopped asking if I had plans for the weekend or days away and if I meantioned that I had plans a couple of days away he kind of started making me feel guilty, "Oh...well...I'll have to see what we can do with the kids, I guess...I don't know...have fun though..." and then I'd feel like crap for thinking of myself and not the family.

The house we live in is paid for. My aunt owns it, as a matter of fact, and we don't have to a penny to live here exception of electricity and such. Our area is not a large area--very small community--and it would be very easy to find a babysitter for a night or two.

I mean...how do I start going on my own? I mean...I can't just up and leave one day and say screw you guys I'm doing my own thing--how do I start drifting off? I don't know. I'm just very confused.

LostHeart

Like some other posters said you have right to start going on your own. and I agree with you that you cannot just leave one day suddenly. First you don't have enough money to start by your own now? rent house, pay for school....maybe you can build a plan finacially since now on? I do think your father should take more responsibilities from you, he has enough money to find a babysitter. It seems what bother you is that your father step over the boundary maybe without knowing. 'Giving others your care and energy willingly' and 'giving others your care by being forced' are two different things. the first bring satisfaction, but the latter bring uncomfortable. maybe you should stand your ground more firmly, and tell your father how you feel about whole situation. if let me take care of siblings, ok, I am happy to; but if I have my own business to take care, you should respect that needs.

 

Maybe a healthy boundary would make both of you happy?

[Trialbyfire]

A difficult situation. You aren't financially secure so if you move away, your father will have to pay for your schooling and living, even though he's not really obligated to do this. Your father doesn't want you to move and instead stay home and take care of your sibs. He holds the purse strings so I see no choice unless you can find a f/t job, while still attempting to finish school. Both of your paths will be difficult so it's up to you to decide which you prefer.

 

There is one compromise. You could sit down with your father and explain to him that you want to move out and live closer to your school but you will stay with him for another year and look after the kids/household which will give him fair warning and time to find a caregiver. In return, he will need to finance your school and living for the year after that so you can get independent as well.

 

*edit - just noticed that you did finish your associates so you can remove the schooling from this but most of the rest can stand.

[silentypo]

LostHeart, your situation is exactly a mirror of mine:

 

My mom's divorced and has 7 special needs children. I am a couple credits short of my associates and have no job. I feel somewhat obligated to not abandon my family and get a job (especially since I was given a new car), but I really want to get a job and move on despite my mom saying that school is my job. I can't keep a job schedule and also unexpectedly babysit. I suggested that she find a babysitter, but there isn't any that will watch a handful of children with delays and other problems. I'd like to move out in the near future too. I love my mom, but I feel like I can't grow up.

 

I probably have a more time available than you do, and she is more flexible for evenings with my buddies. But I can never really just leave out of the blue, and to top it all off- some of my siblings will never be self-reliant so they will need care the rest of their lives. I feel like I have a huge burden to bear that will only get harder as time passes.

[alextop30]

I can come accross as being a jerk when I say this, but life is not easy or no where near fair. When your mother left, it is up to the biggest one to take charge and help the most. If your father dont do anything around the house maybe you should tell him that some of the responcibilities are his but still, I think he relies on you a great deal because he cannot do it alone.

 

A suggestion sit with him and tell him what you are feel and why you think you need your own space. Tell him that you cannot be his helper for ever and that he should start planning on other people helping him and let you live because if you dont it will be worse as you get older.