ahsumgurl909 Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Some of you know my BF had a heart attack and had an open heart operation yesterday. Well after the operation I was in to see him and he was begging me to help him by removing the tube from his throat. I told him I couldnt do that cuz his oxgen level was to low and he needed to keep it in. He was so angry he asked me to leave and I did. I went back a few hours later and his tube had been removed. He said leave I dont want you here and you wont be taking care of me when I get out. I didnt want him to get worked up and left quietly without saying a word. The nurse stopped me and said don't pay him no mind he is under heavy medication. I said he knows what he is saying I know him well enough to know this. So I leave and go get him some flowers and a card and go back in and there he was with his ex. I just left and went home. The thing about this is his ex, myself and another girl got him high on meth. He has only been with me for 7 months. And he has been doing it with them for years. Which don't make any difference. But even though I was with him he still had little dope flings with both of these women the whole 7 months I have been with him and basically we would all try to get the biggest and best sack of dope to win him over. I myself am guilty of this and will admit it. He would tell me everything because I told him he could be honest with me about anything so he was. So I know they were doing it as well. But will not admit to it now that he has had this heart attack. I for one feel so badly for doing this to him. He and I were together getting high and having sex at the time of his attack. And I was the only one there for him at the hospital for the first seven days and they knew he was there as well. But didnt come around even when he called them. Before he went into have his operation he said he wanted to see his ex just incase something happened to him. So I called her and asked her to come she did and he completely disrespected me. I feel like such a fool for calling her. She just took advantage of his weakness and filled his head with crap she is a homeless person and thinks she is going to take care of him when he gets out. Anyway I am feeling so messed up for using with him. It is killing me insid eand his being there with her isnt helping. I keep having major panick attacks to the point I am jumping up and down trying to breath. I have been up for days with him at the hopital and after the drama with her i cant sleep. I just want to die I seriously cant deal with this feeling of impending doom. I just keep thinking about all the events that led up to this point and what I could have done differently. And ther are so many better choices I could have made. What am I going to do? I just want to take these pills I have right here and lay down and just go to sleep forever. I deserve to die for doing this to him. And because I cant take the pain I feel in my heart. I am crying so hard the tears are pouring out of me like I have never seen before. I am having BAD panick attacks. Help me please someone. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 You are having panic attacks because of the drugs you take, I think that if you were sober you would be feeling anxious -- but not to the extent that you are now because of the meth. Don't feel badly, and don't hurt yourself. The only thing that you can do is try to make better choices from now on. I would really recommend that you get yourself to an AA or NA meeting ASAP. There are people there who will listen who can help you. Just do an online search with your city state and "AA meetings" and you'll find one that you can go to. If you are feeling really badly, please call 1 800 SUICIDE before you make any drastic decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ahsumgurl909 Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 I havent used in 7 days so no it isnt the drugs they take three days to get out of your system. So Im not loaded. But thanks for the information. I am not going to make it through this I just know it! But I deserve this more then anyone ever did. I belong in HELL. Im a rotten person believe me to do such a thing to be loved by someone who never wanted me to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 You didn't do this to him. He was using a drug that directly affects his heart rate long before you came along. Involving yourself in the quest to win his love via drugs is where you took a wrong turn. You will never win over drugs, no person will win as long as he is using. Meth is his love, not you, not the ex, not anyone. He will keep people around him that will allow and support his drug usage. I don't know your whole story, I haven't read the thread about his heart attack. Express to him that he needs help with his addiction, that you will support that decision, and if he balks get out of this relationship. Help yourself if you can't convince him to help himself. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I havent used in 7 days so no it isnt the drugs they take three days to get out of your system. So Im not loaded. But thanks for the information. I am not going to make it through this I just know it! But I deserve this more then anyone ever did. I belong in HELL. Im a rotten person believe me to do such a thing to be loved by someone who never wanted me to begin with. It takes longer than 3 days if you've used regularly for a while. Your brain hasn't healed from all the drug use and stress that you put it through. I don't intend to offend. I've been where you are before. When I stopped using cocaine it took over a year for my brain to get back on track. Stop saying that you are a bad person. There's something called free will here, your BF used by choice. You didn't tie him up and force him to use. He did this to himself. Every person who uses drugs is accountable to themselves and no one else. No user can blame their drug use on anyone else because it is always a matter of personal choice. Link to post Share on other sites
jetsetjessica Posted January 28, 2007 Share Posted January 28, 2007 Someone tell the person with the 1800suicide comment they don't know what they're talking about please. Anyways, I know you were using with him when he had his heart attack. No matter if he had had a heart attack, died, overdosed, whatever, you would still feel bad for having helped that happen, that's human nature. Its also human to worry about him and all this, and some people can't handle all that and get anxiety attacks. Its not you being permanently spun or whatever that person said. Point is, I know you feel bad because you were using with him, but ultimately, he could have said "no." Unless you strapped him down to a chair and injected him with tweak or something, there is no way it is your fault. You're gonna feel like it is for a long time, but when you start thinking you can't get through it or have an anxiety attack, just try and remember, he made a choice, and every action has an equal reaction. He could have said no. Good luck hun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ahsumgurl909 Posted January 28, 2007 Author Share Posted January 28, 2007 Thanks Jet! I am still having a really hard time. Even though I know for a fact he does not want to be with me. I still believe he will come back around when he tires of his ex that he is back with now. He is nice to me and acts as if were together if she is not there. I have had enough though I think. His lose for sure Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted January 28, 2007 Share Posted January 28, 2007 You need to leave him. Begin NC immediately. I followed your previous thread. This man was terrible to you. He let his ex lay around in bed with him in hospital with you and his family, who hate her, looking on. When you were still with him. He is a pig. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He was doing drugs long before you were with him and he will continue long after. You need to get away from him because he will fuel your desire to turn to drugs and you have done so well by staying away from them. He is toxic to you. You deserve 1,000 times better then him and you will find that. But as long as you stay in contact with this guy the longer it is that you cannot move on. You will not kick your drug habit if you are with a user. It is impossible. And even if he was trying to get off them, no offence, but he is an a$$ because of the way he has treated you. I wish you all the luck. Just try to stay strong, consider going to counselling, group therapy etc and you will get through this. LS is here but we are limited in the support you need. Remember you are not at fault! Look out for yourself hun. *Hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Author ahsumgurl909 Posted January 28, 2007 Author Share Posted January 28, 2007 Thank You Darlin! I really appreciate your incouragement. Mostly if I hear things like you said enough it sinks in thanks so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted January 28, 2007 Share Posted January 28, 2007 Thank You Darlin! I really appreciate your incouragement. Mostly if I hear things like you said enough it sinks in thanks so much. No problem. I really hope we can get through to you because you deserve so much better. Keep updating us! Link to post Share on other sites
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