PWSX3 Posted January 28, 2007 Share Posted January 28, 2007 Today I plan to go to the gym, then go to the grocery store so that I can make some chili. Hopefully, that will give me some serenity. This is to funny. I could cook a little, but chili was the first thing that I tried that the W had always made, but instead of making it like she had always done I decided to kick it up a notch or two, and it really turned out well. Instead of Hamburger someone told me to use ground steak of some kind, I can't remember what it was called, we don't eat that much meat at home except chicken but it really made it taste better & I also used chunks of tomatoes since the W doesn't like those. You might not see it right now, but these are some of the little steps, doing things on your own, learning who you are. I just got back from the gym and while I was there I just said; hi to two new people (strangers) and it makes you feel good or at least it does for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bperl Posted January 29, 2007 Author Share Posted January 29, 2007 Sppoke to my estranged spouse this evening. It appears as if she is going to start reading the 5 Languages of Love book that I got her 2 weeks ago. Of course, this does not mean anything, but she did say that she would try to make it to a Thursday evening counciling session if she gets her project completed. that is a plus. Keeping the conversation on the positive side, I also spoke to her about all the positive steps that I have been taking in my own life, and how I am working on issues that may have caused distress in our marriage. I asked her if there are other items that I should know about, or if she would like to say anything to me. she declined -- a negitive. Well, at least she is reading the book. she also stated that she is going to continue to go to independant counciling sessions. I hope that it helps her work through whatever issues she is having that caused her to run from our marriage, rather than stay and work through the problems. I am not getting my hopes up, because I cannot handle having them smashed again, but at least she is talking to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bperl Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 Got an e-mail message from my spouse asking to stop by the house today after work. I left her a message saying that I wanted to know what her plan was for the visit (i.e. to take stuff, to talk, hand me papers, etc). One of my friends called me last night and said that he has seen some definite positive improvements in me, and that she should recognize how hard I am working to improve areas of our relationship. He said that he does not know of anyone who loves their spouse as much as I do, and that nobody he knows would ever put as much effort into working on the themselves for marriage as I have. So a question? How do I let her know this? Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Sppoke to my estranged spouse this evening. It appears as if she is going to start reading the 5 Languages of Love book that I got her 2 weeks ago. Of course, this does not mean anything, but she did say that she would try to make it to a Thursday evening counciling session if she gets her project completed. that is a plus. Keeping the conversation on the positive side, I also spoke to her about all the positive steps that I have been taking in my own life, and how I am working on issues that may have caused distress in our marriage. I asked her if there are other items that I should know about, or if she would like to say anything to me. she declined -- a negitive. Well, at least she is reading the book. she also stated that she is going to continue to go to independant counciling sessions. I hope that it helps her work through whatever issues she is having that caused her to run from our marriage, rather than stay and work through the problems. I am not getting my hopes up, because I cannot handle having them smashed again, but at least she is talking to me. Actions not words. My EX fiance bought that book in the highlight of her cheating, and I thought she was going to read it. I read it, she never touched it and continued her affair. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Got an e-mail message from my spouse asking to stop by the house today after work. I left her a message saying that I wanted to know what her plan was for the visit (i.e. to take stuff, to talk, hand me papers, etc). One of my friends called me last night and said that he has seen some definite positive improvements in me, and that she should recognize how hard I am working to improve areas of our relationship. He said that he does not know of anyone who loves their spouse as much as I do, and that nobody he knows would ever put as much effort into working on the themselves for marriage as I have. So a question? How do I let her know this? You don't show her, she has to see it in you just like your friend has seen it. You have to be honest with yourself, when you talk to her be honest and don't just tell her things that you think she wants to hear. When she talks make sure you listen. On your first post you said that you need to communicate better. This is something I read in the beginning of my growing and I still have trouble with it but it does make since and I'm getting better. When they do point out areas in your life where they have been hurt by something you said or did; don't get defensive, even if you don't agree with what they are saying. Accept the fact that somehow it DID hurt them and find out why it hurt them. I don't know what you are going to talk about, but she does have something on her mind so just go with an open mind and listen. Link to post Share on other sites
mbrewyay Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 My girlfriend and I were dating for 1 yr and 5 months. Over the past two months, we have fought a lot. A week ago I told her that I couldn't be with her anymore, and she said that she didn't want it like that forever but she felt the same way. Well, now I want her back and am ready to gave a great relationship, but she is telling me that she needs her space for now. She says she wants to get back together and she still loves me, but she doesn't feel it is the right time. What is she really trying to say, and what should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bperl Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 My estranged spouse came over for dinner, and we talked for a bit. I let her know that the counseling has been going well, especially now that I have got control of my depression and anxiety. She then proceeded to say that December was terrible (as that was the prime of my depression), and I let her know that it was the depression and anxiety that drove much of my behaviors for that month. She also said that she is not sure that she sees a future with us and needs to really think about it. How do you reply to something like this? On the plus side, she did say that she does want to do joint counseling again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bperl Posted February 4, 2007 Author Share Posted February 4, 2007 I am pretty proud of myself, although it has been tough. I made the decision not to contact her all weekend after I came to the realization that she is being extremly selfish. On Friday I had a psychiatrist appt that I asked her to attend with me. She declined, but asked to come and get a box of hat and gloves from the house. I told her that I was not going planning on going home first and that I would run by the house and bring the stuff to the appt where she could come get them. She then asked to borrow my truck to move more stuff, and I was stunned, as I asked her whether or not we are still looking at working on the relationship or not. Second of all, she left me, and wants to borrow my car? What is up with that. We are supposed to be going to joint counseling tomorrow, but I am not sure that it is going to be worth it. I am almost tempted to stay away from her and deal with the withdrawl symptoms from our relationship. By the way, it has been 16 days of the agreed to 30 day seperation/ think about our relationship period. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 Yea, she's not working on the relationship, she's working on leaving you for good, and she's using you to do it. She's not going ~ she's gone! She's just doing it piece by piece! Forget that! If you're going to hang me, I'll be damned if your going to use my rope! And, if you're going to leave me, get busy doing it, by God! Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 Yea, she's not working on the relationship, she's working on leaving you for good, and she's using you to do it. She's not going ~ she's gone! She's just doing it piece by piece! Forget that! If you're going to hang me, I'll be damned if your going to use my rope! And, if you're going to leave me, get busy doing it, by God! Gunny is right, this is called softening the blow. Many women use this technique to let their S/O go, they are trying to ease their guilt and minimize collateral damage. Listen to what she is saying, although it's hard you need to accept her words. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted February 4, 2007 Share Posted February 4, 2007 My girlfriend and I were dating for 1 yr and 5 months. Over the past two months, we have fought a lot. A week ago I told her that I couldn't be with her anymore, and she said that she didn't want it like that forever but she felt the same way. Well, now I want her back and am ready to gave a great relationship, but she is telling me that she needs her space for now. She says she wants to get back together and she still loves me, but she doesn't feel it is the right time. What is she really trying to say, and what should I do? Basically, it's over! Someone that needs space almost always means the end of a relationship, it's the holy grail of breaking up. The other words probably mean she is softening the blow, and minimizing the damage. Of course, I could be wrong but I would be money that I'm right, I've seen it time and time again. Work on being happy with yourself, and don't waddle to much into what she is saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bperl Posted February 6, 2007 Author Share Posted February 6, 2007 Well, we went to a 3rd marriage counselor and she convinced my estranged spouse that she wanted a divorce. So, that is where we are headed. 7 years down the crapper! Oh, best of all, she claims that she never was really happy in our relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Well, we went to a 3rd marriage counselor and she convinced my estranged spouse that she wanted a divorce. So, that is where we are headed. 7 years down the crapper! Oh, best of all, she claims that she never was really happy in our relationship! She will probably do the same thing to her next victim, move on and be rid of this rubbish. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 So, that is where we are headed. 7 years down the crapper! Well, yea that's one way of looking at it, but another is that you've only invested seven years of time, effort, and energy into this relationship. There are some that have invested twenty, thirty, or more years. What is all the more is that you've learned, grown, and you're now more experienced and knowledgeable. Your not the same man that you were seven years ago, and your not going to be the same man for the experience that you're going through now. You know now that marriage and relationships required more knowledge, and education than what you had going into this one. With your next relationship(s) you'll go into the with your eyes wide open, knowing that relalionships are easy to get into, but not always so easy to maintain ~ nor get out of! Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted February 6, 2007 Share Posted February 6, 2007 Get a Lawyer NOW! And protect yourself and your assets. Don't do ANYTHING for her, let HER move herself! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bperl Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 Well, we met up yesterday to talk. Prior to this, I read the book, "the Divorce Remedy," and even hired one of the marriage coached from divorcebusters.com. He gave me some great advice which I put to use during our meeting. Here is where it gets fun..... Initially she is really cold. then I start talking about how I want to not just have our marriage, but make it better and stronger. I lay out some goals tht I would have to work on the marriage. She acted very receptive, wanting to know more information. When i was done talking, she then goes into her feelings, and how she had doubts during our relationship (doesn't everybody?), and how she always just felt she knew what she was getting into. Now, just for everyones knowledge, I am a very stable person, with a good job, great friends, and great family. She then goes on to tell me how she believes that divorce is taboo, but she feels that our marriage was a mistake. so, I stopped her right there, pulled the 180 on her and said "FILE FOR DIVORCE!" That seemed to shock her but did not stop her, so I reiterated "FILE FOR DIVORCE ASAP!". At this point, she goes that she is not ready and wants to make sure she is making the right decision. I again tell her that she knows what she wants and to FILE FOR DIVORCE. (another piece of info from my lawyer- a very good friend of mine. He told me to make her file so that she pays the bulk of the cost and has to have it on her head). So anyway, we leave the coffee shop and head back to the house so she can get her mail. At the house, she starts heading down her path of how she has been so busy and has not been able to look into her heart. I am frustrated by this point and tell her that unless she is willing to go to counseling and get help for herself, as well as joint marrige coaching, I have no interest in dealing with her anymore. I will not call her, e-mail her, or communicate in anyway anymore. OK, and to make things even better, she told me that the reason that she will not tell me where she lives is because she is afraid that I may hurt her in my "current condition." Now, as another point of interest, I have never touched her in a threatening manner, or ever threatened her physically. Hell, I have no interest in fighting anyone, and no interest in driving the 45 minutes to the city where she lives to even think about doing something to her. Like I do not have anything better to do with my life. I think she is messed up in the head. Divorce here I come! Link to post Share on other sites
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