alasia Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Ok, this might sound a really stupid question or like I'm in denial, but here's a very short back story; me and my ex had been together for 5 months, moved in together after the first month, quite a rocky relationship at times, with me basically being a bitch - generally argumentative and being violent at times. We both finished the rship several times but never ACTUALLY split up because at the bottom of it all, we really loved each other. He decided he needed a break after I attacked him on 29th december. I slapped him and pulled his hair and although it didn't hurt him physically, it really affected him mentally and he broke down in tears at work later that night. About a week of LC later, I went to meet him at work, he kissed me and asked me to go back to his place that night. I did, we slept together and he said he loved me, then I spent 2 more nights at his place. We got on well and it was like we were back together. Two days of LC followed that, and then I spent another 3 nights at his house. This time it was a bit more...I don't know, a bit different to the last time. He didn't say he loved me, but whenever I said I knew we weren't going to get back together or that he didn't have (strong enough) feelings for me he'd either say "don't say that..." or say he did have feelings/he might have stronger feelings than I know. We did have sex a couple of times, lay down on the sofa cuddling up, tickled each other and messed around, things like that. I went home on the weds (this was last week, by the way) and on thursday he text me saying it was over, he couldn't see me again, etc. I phoned him and one minute he was saying he didn't have feelings, the next second he was saying he couldn't see me because everytime he sees me he gets feelings, and he doesn't want them. I turned slightly stalker-like after this, convinced that going round to his place or phoning him 5 times a day to talk was going to make him see that we could work things out - when in reality all I did was push him further away. I spoke to him yesterday and asked if he'd ever consider giving me a second chance, and he said no. I then asked if he still had any feelings for me, and again he said no. Obviously he doesn't have feelings, either that or (as my mother says) he's afraid of being hurt again and going against his family (they hate me, understandably) and he has feelings, but is trying his best to get over them. I can't tell which it is. What I don't get is how he can be so sure that he'll never wat to be back with me. Is it because he has actually fallen out of love with me, or do you think it's the stalkerish behaviour? Do you think there's any way of making him see that we CAN work if we try again, and that I've changed. By the way I'm planning to leave him alone for a few weeks and concentrate on myself, maybe getting in touch casually in 2-3 weeks to see if we can meet up for a coffee or something. I'm 8 weeks pregnant with his baby, so I feel like I need to try and keep things civil, if possible. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I dunno. I guess he figures if you can be violent against him then you have a REAL problem. If I was in a relationship and you did to me what you did to him, you'd end up out the door on your arse. No second chances. Have you considered anger management classes to get your temper in control? And stalking is bad. Very bad. You have issues that you need to address that are beyond just your relationship with him. Get yourself fixed first. You will never have a healthy realationship until you do. Violence is ever acceptable in any relationship, I don't care who it is who starts it, male or female. Unfortunately now that you are pregnant (why people play with loaded guns all the time I don't understsand!) you have bigger issues to deal with. A life that is going to be completely dependent on you for most everything for the next 18 years. Make the child your priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 If he hot you would you take him back? This should answer your question. Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I would say perhaps it would help to sincere apologize and then just give him some space.. You should take this time to work on yourself and look at how you can change that unacceptable behaviour of yours. Then after 2-3 weeks check up on him and tell him what you've been doing and show him that you're serious about making yourself better and determined to work on things. Oh yeah and since you're pregnant you can always blame it on the hormones He has no choice of seeing you anyway since you're having a baby together, so you might as well try to work it out. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 If he hot you would you take him back? This should answer your question. A man hitting a woman is not the same as a woman hitting a man. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 A man hitting a woman is not the same as a woman hitting a man. Physically, no. Mentally, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Physically, no. Mentally, yes. Well actually I'd say it depends on the man/woman, but if we generalize, I'd say that men have a tendency to be physically violent as a means of feeling in control, while women often have a hot temper. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Woah, whoah, whoah... hold the phone - back up a minute... Might like to re-think your PARAGRAPH ORDER a little... alasia, the itsty-bitsy tiny 'by-the-way' that you tagged on at the end of your post as an afterthought was kinda important: By the way ..... I'm 8 weeks pregnant with his baby, so I feel like I need to try and keep things civil, if possible. You know hun, this belongs in the first paragraph because thing, is I'm reading your post and thinking... just another teenage breakup and preparing to write you 'don't worry - you'll get over it yada yada yada..' when, turns out it IS just another teenage breakup with the baby to boot.... Anyhoo... you didn't ask about the baby so I won't talk about it other than to say - maybe he's got cold feet because of not feeling ready/wanting to be a father or not wanting to be a father to YOUR baby and he is now running for the hills! Or it could be that you tend to wack him over the head and he doesn't want to be in a relationship with a mad woman that'll wack him in the head everytime things get heated. Bottom line is - I'm sorry its impossible to talk about this without bring baby into the picture - bottom line is he doesn't want to be with you and/or the baby. And at the moment at least, the only feeling he has is the feeling that he wants to have sex with you when he sees you. And since he doesn't want to BE with you he doesn't want to see you so he won't want to have sex with you. Do you think there's any way of making him see that we CAN work if we try again, and that I've changed.. Alesia, you were whacking him upside the head on the 29th, that's not even a month again - how much could you have 'changed'? But to answer your question, no really - you can't MAKE someone love you again. You'd only know (or been together) for two months when you fell pregnant by him. You've only been together for 5 months and broken up 'several times' during that period. His parents hate you, you've done a stalker on him, he's gonna be a papa when I doubt if that was the plan... he's crying in to his coffee at work.... er... it may take some time to win him over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alasia Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 CaliGuy - I am taking anger management classes and have had counselling, this is how I know I've changed. The thing is, it wasn't so much about anger (I know probably every violent person says this), it was more a control thing - not controlling him as such, but the situation. I was convinced he wanted to leave me, so I'd hit him to kind of give him an excuse to end it. Of course, now he has I realise what I've lost. He's my first love and I'm not a 'relationshippy' kind of person, so I can't see myself getting into another relationship anytime soon. Not that I'd want to at the moment, anyway. I spent the first couple of months of the relationship with him running around after another woman and disregarding my feelings entirely, so the violence may have had something to do with that as well, not that there's any excuse at all for my behaviour. I understand his reasons for not wanting to be with me, I really do. I just don't get how he can say he NEVER wants to be with me. He doesn't seem hurt or angry, he seems totally calm when he says it. He also doesn't believe me; whenever I say I have changed and it won't happen again, he says I said that before and still did it again. He's convinced it'll happen again and while I uderstand why he thinks that, do you think there's any way of convincing him? Last time I said I'd change, I didn't really believe he'd finish with me. Now I'm serious. Princessa - the violence started in November, which turns out was around the time I got pregnant so maybe it was hormones. Still no excuse though. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 A man hitting a woman is not the same as a woman hitting a man. Why should a man put up with physical violence and abuse? Hitting is hitting. It's all the same and unacceptable. Maybe a man can do more damage due to strength, but hitting a man is still wrong. To the OP, I think you have ruined any possible chance of getting him back. You moved in together before even knowing one another. If this post accurately reflects your behavior in the initial "honeymoon" period, I would hate to see what would transpire once you really took off your "new relationship mask." Anger management is still appropriate as you are bound to repeat the same mistakes in any relationship without a serious change in behavior. Get yourself some counseling and leave him alone period. The child cannot make the relationship problems go away, and might make them worse. Change your behavior patterns and grow in a positive way that will help you to be a good parent. If you think dealing with a man is hard and resort to hitting, a child can be far more difficult to understand and deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alasia Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 Reckless - thanks, that's the kind of advice I need - a reality check! I'll try to address some of your points; we moved pretty fast (that's fairly evident!) and believe it or not, we had talked about having kids and were both really excited about it (and 'trying'). I know it was way too soon to be thinking about that stuff, but I missed a period in october and my ex was so excited, he went around telling everyone - and was embarrassed when I wasn't pregnant after all! A week and a half ago, he was still saying I'm carrying his baby, he'll always have a connection to me and feelings for me because of that (this was when he was still saying we might get back together) and really seemed interested in being involved. I've asked him in the last few days whether he'd still want to be onvolved, and his words were "I don't know...it's hard because I don't know how you'll be". I think he's saying if we're not talking, he won't want to see the baby - which is madness to me! He should be putting the baby first. Oh I'd better add this isn't a teenage romance, although maybe I sound young from my typing style - I'm 24 this year, he's 44. Please, no comments about the age difference as that hasn't made a difference to us at all. His last ex was 18, he was 37 and they were together for 3 years and engaged :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author alasia Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 Princessa - I'm sorry but I don't agree. He's said himself I've got a "good right hook" on me (which upset me when he said it) and I have hurt him a couple of times. There's also the mental aspect, like CaliGuy said. As I say I've had a course of ager management, even though I've been in relationships before and while I've got a hot temper verbally, I've NEVER hit anyone before in my life. The thing is, I'm not sure whether the issue with him is the hitting, or if it's more just that he fell out of love for no reason. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Well actually I'd say it depends on the man/woman, but if we generalize, I'd say that men have a tendency to be physically violent as a means of feeling in control, while women often have a hot temper. princessa So what are you saying... its OK for a woman with a hot temper to hit a man? Either way you look at it.. the intentional.. unwanted application of force onto another human being is an act of assault... and in circumstances as described by alasia... if her bf had made a complaint to the police... she could have had her ass put in jail... (and that is pretty much across N. America) Being angry... does not give you the right to hit... alasia.... Seeking help for this is terrific... you may never get back with your BF... but at least if and when you ever got into another relationship... you would have a better handle on your reactions.. BTW.... are you normally a volatile person ?... or did he bring out the "anger".. some people are just not meant to be together...they clash personality wise.. even when they are still attracted to each other... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 A man hitting a woman is not the same as a woman hitting a man. Yes it is........ Physical Abuse is Physical Abuse .. Period.. it isn't gender specific I was an abused husband during my marriage.. if anything we as men don't know what is happening because we are embarrassed and taught to be strong and suck it up.. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Violence is never right in any relationship from a man or a woman. If you wabt him back I would own up to what you did and apologize then get some counseling. Show him that you are taking genuine steps to fix the problem and don't expect it to happen overnight. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Well actually I'd say it depends on the man/woman, but if we generalize, I'd say that men have a tendency to be physically violent as a means of feeling in control, while women often have a hot temper. How does one suck up being punched in the mouth with a closed fist ? My exW has done that to me.. while I was driving a car.. Should I just have written it off as her hot temper ? you are very naive Link to post Share on other sites
Author alasia Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 I have always been volatile, but it's strictly only verbal. I've never had the desire to hit anyone, ever. As I mentioned in a previous post, I think it was more of a control thing - but trying to control the situation, not him. Maybe trying to provoke a reaction - sometimes when I ask him a question, he'll just refuse to answer. He won't say yes, no or I don't know, he'll just stare straight through me or start doing something like reading the paper! Thats his way of avoiding answering something which might turn into an argument, I think. His friend witnessed it on sunday and he agreed that it's frustrating - he said he'd never seen my ex do that to somebody, in the 8 years he's known him. Although again, it's no excuse for violence. Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 A man hitting a woman is not the same as a woman hitting a man. It's the exact same thing. Period. Don't ever make abuse, physical or emotional gender specific, not only will the courts disagree with your assessment so do the abuse shelters. Physically, no. Mentally, yes. I disagree with this statement too, the circumstances of abuse are too wide and varied to generalize it in a gender fashion. Please do imply any one gender has or should have more control of their actions are received any different. This is not accurate. Am4Real Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I have always been volatile, but it's strictly only verbal. I've never had the desire to hit anyone, ever. As I mentioned in a previous post, I think it was more of a control thing - but trying to control the situation, not him. Maybe trying to provoke a reaction - sometimes when I ask him a question, he'll just refuse to answer. Excuse me, if I may ask, how old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author alasia Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 The way I see it, is if he's lost his love/feelings for me completely, then they'll never return, regardless of how well we may get on in future (am I right?) If he does still have some feelings but doesn't want to admit it, then maybe there's be a chance of us working things out in time, as long as I could SHOW him that I've changed - although I'm imagining it would still be difficult. Do you think leaving him alone for a couple of weeks and then texting to ask to meet up might be the way to go? Should I ask if I can meet him on his bus (he's a bus driver), or for a coffee, or what? And should I try and keep it casual, or ask to meet up 'to talk' (about the baby, or us, or whatever). How should I play it? Remember, I'm not thinking of contacting him for a few weeks yet, I just want to get it sorted in my mind how I'll play it when I do speak to him again. Oh by the way, he's not a very 'sex orientated' person - he was single for 2 years before he met me and told me last night he wasn't interested in anyone else, that he's not ready for another relationship and he wouldn't just go out and get laid. He's not that kind of person. Which made me wonder how/why he had sex with me only last week?! Am4real - I'm 23, 24 this year. Oh - I also want to say that I did tell him he should press charges. Not to guilt him into not doing it, but because I thought it would give him closure and make him feel better, and I do genuinely believe anyone who hits someone else is scum. Myself included. I even said on the phone recently that if he'd have given me another chance, he could have given me a 2 week trial or something and said that if I did anything wrong in that time, he'd pursue an assault charge - I'd admit responsibility and take everything I go. He said "that means you think you'll do it again" when really, I was just trying to prove that I'm sure I WOULDN'T ever do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I'm not saying it's ok for either a man or a woman to be physically violent, I'm saying that most of the time they do it for different reasons. Violent men like to control, while violent women would most of the time have a temper problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I'm not saying it's ok for either a man or a woman to be physically violent, I'm saying that most of the time they do it for different reasons. Violent men like to control, while violent women would most of the time have a temper problem. It is the same regardless of gender.. it is about power/control. domestic violence is always about power/control and a woman hitting a man is domestic violence so a woman hitting a man is about power/control. Link to post Share on other sites
princessa Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 How does one suck up being punched in the mouth with a closed fist ? My exW has done that to me.. while I was driving a car.. Should I just have written it off as her hot temper ? you are very naive Hah, excuse me? Where did I say that it was actually acceptable? Did being abused give you a hot temper yourself so as to think that it's ok to throw random insults? Sorry that you've become this way. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 CaliGuy - I am taking anger management classes and have had counselling, this is how I know I've changed. Just taking classes and counseling doesn't mean you have changed. Those are steps in the right direction but only when you are faced with the same situations and handle yourself more appropriately will you truly know you have changed. The thing is, it wasn't so much about anger (I know probably every violent person says this), it was more a control thing - not controlling him as such, but the situation. How does being violent put you in control? If anything, being violent means you are absolutely OUT of control. I was convinced he wanted to leave me, so I'd hit him to kind of give him an excuse to end it. Of course, now he has I realise what I've lost. Isn't it easier to break it off instead of hitting? And yes, we do tend to realize what we've lost far after we've lost it. Hindsight truly is 20/20. He's my first love and I'm not a 'relationshippy' kind of person, so I can't see myself getting into another relationship anytime soon. Not that I'd want to at the moment, anyway. I can not ever imagine raising a fist to someone I love. I just can't. I spent the first couple of months of the relationship with him running around after another woman and disregarding my feelings entirely, so the violence may have had something to do with that as well, not that there's any excuse at all for my behaviour. No, it is not. And if you respected yourself when he was running around with this other woman you would have just walked away from him. I understand his reasons for not wanting to be with me, I really do. I just don't get how he can say he NEVER wants to be with me. He doesn't seem hurt or angry, he seems totally calm when he says it. In a calm, rational and mature way, he realizes that someone who can be violent in the manner you were is just not for him. I'd say he's handling it the right way. He also doesn't believe me; whenever I say I have changed and it won't happen again, he says I said that before and still did it again. He's right. Talk is cheap. Words lie. Actions never do. When people say they have changed, I never believe them. I only believe their actions and never what they say. He's convinced it'll happen again and while I uderstand why he thinks that, do you think there's any way of convincing him? Last time I said I'd change, I didn't really believe he'd finish with me. Now I'm serious. It doesn't sound like he wants to give you the opportunity to prove that. Changing takes time. It takes more than a few days or weeks. It takes months of mentally reprogramming your behavior. If it hasn't been too long then he's right, you really haven't changed. You may want to and are working towards that goal but only time will tell if you have truly changed. Words mean nothing. Actions mean everthing. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Hah, excuse me? Where did I say that it was actually acceptable? Did being abused give you a hot temper yourself so as to think that it's ok to throw random insults? Sorry that you've become this way. I have never hit a woman before in my whole life.. can you say the same about a man ? We ALL have tempers.. every single person on this planet.. Calling you naive isn't me losing my temper and showing anger.. I'm sorry if you feel insulted that I called you naive.. had I used the word young and unexperienced would that have sounded better ? that is what I meant by using the term naive Link to post Share on other sites
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