How can someone be so SURE they won't ever get back with you?

[CaliGuy]

I disagree with this statement too, the circumstances of abuse are too wide and varied to generalize it in a gender fashion. Please do imply any one gender has or should have more control of their actions are received any different. This is not accurate.

 

Am4Real

 

Violence is violence, regardless of who is doing the punching.

 

I am implying that both genders should have control of their behavior. The simple proof that violence has a greater impact emotionally than physically is proven by his actions. He doesn't want to be with her because he knows she is a violent person.

 

Raising your fist in anger and actually hitting someone proves to them, at least in the victims eyes, that you don't love them.

 

My sister used to be violent with her ex husband. He was a man and never hit her in return, but the emotional abuse he took was far more severe than the bruises she caused. He left her, not because he didn't love her, but because of the emotioanal scars left by the physical abuse.

 

To say that violence doesn't have a major negative effect on the emotions of the person being abused, regardless of their sex is to simply not true. I've seen it in person.

 

It works both ways.

[CaliGuy]

Well actually I'd say it depends on the man/woman, but if we generalize, I'd say that men have a tendency to be physically violent as a means of feeling in control, while women often have a hot temper.

 

No that is far too generalized. I have personally seen with my own eyes a physically abusive woman who used it to be in control. It wasn't just her temper, she's was physically violent. More than any man I'd ever seen. And she wasn't weak either, she could HURT you.

 

Who?

 

My sister.....

[princessa]

I'm sorry if you feel insulted that I called you naive.. had I used the word young and unexperienced would that have sounded better ? that is what I meant by using the term naive

 

That's precisely how I understood it. Heh, I love how people of a certain age grant themselves permission to automatically discard whatever the younger people say.

[alasia]

Do you think he believes that I'm truly sorry?

 

And that I really hope I haven't done any major lasting damage emotionally?

 

I just wish I knew how he was feeling...but he's never going to tell me exactly how much I've hurt him.

 

So you'd say there's definitely no way back?

 

The last time I spoke to him on the phone (yesterday afternoon), he said everything that comes out of my mouth is bull. I asked if he believed I love him, and he said "you don't love me...it's infatuation". Surely he can't actually believe that?!

[alasia]

You know I was just thinking; yesterday I sent him a text message apolo gising for the slightly stalkerish behaviour, and explaining that it's weird for me that he's moved on so quickly.

 

He replied saying "thanks. It's not that I've moved on quick, you just irritate me. And you know it".

 

So doesn't that mean this whole 'I can't be with you' thing (by the way, he has said he doesn't hate me...thinks I'm nuts but doesn't hate me ) isn't so much about the fact I was a bully towards him, but more that he became annoyed by my phoning/visiting him? Or my personality irritates him...

[CaliGuy]

Do you think he believes that I'm truly sorry?

 

His reaction to you says no.

 

And that I really hope I haven't done any major lasting damage emotionally?

 

Depends on the person. Everyone is different. Some recover easier than others. Some never recover at all.

 

I just wish I knew how he was feeling...but he's never going to tell me exactly how much I've hurt him.

 

You know how he is feeling. He doesn't want to be with you and has said so.

 

So you'd say there's definitely no way back?

 

You can't change the past and that is what he is going on. I can't say "definitely" all I can say is right now the answer is no.

 

The last time I spoke to him on the phone (yesterday afternoon), he said everything that comes out of my mouth is bull. I asked if he believed I love him, and he said "you don't love me...it's infatuation". Surely he can't actually believe that?!

 

You're trying to rationalize love. That is impossible. Love is not based on rationale. If it was, nobody would ever break up. Love and attraction are not logical and you can not force someone to love you. You can not "talk" them into loving you. You can not "convince" them you have changed by words.

 

It's up to him and how he feels. If I were you in your shoes I would simply leave him be and stop contacting him. If his feelings change over time he will let you know. That is a conclusion he may come to after some significant time away from you. (months, not hours/days or week. Months of NO CONTACT).

 

Leave him be. Work on yourself, 100% of your focus should be on you and the child you are carrying. The more you contact him the more you will push him away. You are coming off needy/clingy/desperate and that is not an attractive quality.

 

Fix yourself and get your life in order and everything else will fall into line. If your focus is on getting this guy back you will clearly not be focused of fixing yourself. It's impossible to focus on two things at once.

 

Fix yourself, leave him be and if he decides to come back later, he will let you know. And who knows, once you are 100% where you should be, you may not even want this guy anymore.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

You know I was just thinking; yesterday I sent him a text message apolo gising for the slightly stalkerish behaviour, and explaining that it's weird for me that he's moved on so quickly.

 

He replied saying "thanks. It's not that I've moved on quick, you just irritate me. And you know it".

 

So doesn't that mean this whole 'I can't be with you' thing (by the way, he has said he doesn't hate me...thinks I'm nuts but doesn't hate me ) isn't so much about the fact I was a bully towards him, but more that he became annoyed by my phoning/visiting him? Or my personality irritates him...

 

 

You are over-analyzing everything.

You are 100% focusing on why he doesn't want you, not what you need to do to get your life in order.

 

Stop contacting him. The more you do, the more you will push him away. He's telling you in every way, shape and form to leave him be. If you do not honor that request you are going to get to the point where the law could get involved. Think "restraining order."

 

You need to get ahold of yourself. You are in panic mode and that's not a good place to be.

 

What's done is done. Let it go, focus on yourself, leave him be and get your sh*t together. You've got a child on the way and some anger management classes to attend.

 

Cheers.

[alasia]

I understand what you're saying and I am taking it on board, but he'll never decide to come back to me on his own...I mean, after a few months of no contact.

 

Because the way I see it, he's got nothing to miss. Whenever I talk about athe relationship with him and said underneath it all we got on, he says "we get on, but we don't". He's said there WERE a lot of good times during the time we were together but I think all he'll focus on if/when he remembers me is the bad stuff. And of course he's not going to miss that or want it back.

[CaliGuy]

I understand what you're saying and I am taking it on board, but he'll never decide to come back to me on his own...I mean, after a few months of no contact.

 

Because the way I see it, he's got nothing to miss. Whenever I talk about athe relationship with him and said underneath it all we got on, he says "we get on, but we don't". He's said there WERE a lot of good times during the time we were together but I think all he'll focus on if/when he remembers me is the bad stuff. And of course he's not going to miss that or want it back.

 

You're not listening.

 

FORGET about getting back with him. It doesn't matter right now. You are obessing about whether he is going to come back or not and that is exactly what is going to push him away for good.

 

LEAVE HIM ALONE. Seriously.

 

Every time you interact with him and try and reason him back to you, you are causing more and more damage. You are digging a deeper hole. You are caging him and his only resort is to run away from you. The harder you try and make him come back, the faster he will run away.

 

Stop it. Leave him alone, put the focus on you. You're showing classic clingy/needy/co-dependent behavior.

 

When you talk to the Counselor about your abusive behavior, bring up the fact that you are obessing about this guy and ask him/her to work with you on ways to help you get over this relationship for now.

 

There is no guarantee he is going to come back but if you continue to pester him I can GUARANTEE one thing: he will NEVER want to be with you.

 

Needy/clingy behavior is extremely unattractive.

Rationalizing love is extremely unattractive.

Pestering/calling/texting/emailing when they are angry at you is extremely unattractive.

 

Are you following me? Leave him alone.

[dropdeadlegs]

I understand what you're saying and I am taking it on board, but he'll never decide to come back to me on his own...I mean, after a few months of no contact.

 

If that is true he will never decide to come back period.

 

Because the way I see it, he's got nothing to miss. Whenever I talk about athe relationship with him and said underneath it all we got on, he says "we get on, but we don't". He's said there WERE a lot of good times during the time we were together but I think all he'll focus on if/when he remembers me is the bad stuff. And of course he's not going to miss that or want it back.

 

I'm trying not to focus on the age difference, but it is large. Maybe he means "we get on" as in sex, but not in personality compatibility. If he routinely dates women who are 20 years younger I think he is interested in hot young bodies. The maturity difference between people in their 20's and 40's is usually very big. Just something to think about, alasia.

[alasia]

All his other exes have been his age.

 

And he's not an 'old' 44 year old - he's quite...immature for his age and still quite dependent on his mother (not in a clingy way, but she still cooks for him sometimes, she's quite over protective etc.)

 

CaliGuy - don't worry I'm not contacting him. I'm keeping my phone switched off and dealing with it by coming on here everytime I feel like I need to contact him! Kind of.

[justagirliegirl]

5 months you are still getting to know a person.

 

You said yourself the 1st 2 months of the 5 months he was still chasing after another woman.

 

Was he sober when he was talking about having a baby? When a man that barely knows you says those types of things it usually means he doesn't want to wear a condom.

 

Nothing about this is love. It is lust between too immature irresponsible people. He really is old enough to know better so all I can say is this guy must have some serious issues himself.

 

You said he dated an 18 year old for 3 years. Was she 18 when they met or when they broke up? All this means is he likes to bed teenagers and is most likely emotionally incapable of a relationship with a woman near his age.

 

This whole thing is just drama laden absurdity. Probably the best thing to do is to leave the guy alone and stay away from men for awhile all together. I can only imagine the life that poor little baby is going to have.

[Am4Real]

 

Needy/clingy behavior is extremely unattractive.

Rationalizing love is extremely unattractive.

Pestering/calling/texting/emailing when they are angry at you is extremely unattractive.

 

Are you following me? Leave him alone.

 

Excellent summary and advice Cali. Excellent. Nothing more unattractive than someone trying to put logic behind the reasons for love to exist, an explanation of a feeling well maybe, but a push to reason it back into a relationship just doesn't work.

 

I'm keeping my phone switched off and dealing with it by coming on here everytime I feel like I need to contact him! Kind of.

 

You may want to follow some of the other threads in this and other forums about the challanges and successes of NO CONTACT.

[dropdeadlegs]

All his other exes have been his age.

 

All except for.....

 

His last ex was 18, he was 37 and they were together for 3 years and engaged :-)

 

I still find it suspect that in the last 7 years he has chosen women much younger than himself. That is not what I consider to be the norm. Not unheard of, but not the norm.

 

How is he accepting your pregnancy? If he is to be involved with the child at all he will have to talk to you at some point, unless he has lawyers handle all the communication involved with the child. I suppose even visitation can be accommodated without the two of you crossing paths. I did know someone who had a situation like that.

 

I still say that now it is best to avoid contact, but I hope he knows that he has responsibility for the child and accepts that without it being forced upon him.

[alasia]

About a week ago, he was still saying he wanted to be involved, even if we weren't together.

 

I haven't spoken to him about it since.

[CaliGuy]

I still find it suspect that in the last 7 years he has chosen women much younger than himself. That is not what I consider to be the norm. Not unheard of, but not the norm.

 

How is he accepting your pregnancy? If he is to be involved with the child at all he will have to talk to you at some point, unless he has lawyers handle all the communication involved with the child. I suppose even visitation can be accommodated without the two of you crossing paths. I did know someone who had a situation like that.

 

I still say that now it is best to avoid contact, but I hope he knows that he has responsibility for the child and accepts that without it being forced upon him.

 

DDL, it's becoming apparent to me the whole relationship was/is not good for either of them.

[dropdeadlegs]

That's good news.

[alasia]

I contacted him.

 

I know I know, I shouldn't have been doing it. But I phoned and we chatted about random stuff - his car windscreen that needs replacing, him getting a new phone tomorrow, that I went to the doctor's this morning.

He asked how that went and I said I only went to talk through my options and how I'm feeling about everything. He asked if that meant I was getting rid of it and I asked if he'd be pleased if I did. He said he wouldn't want me to get rid of it and that he honestly was pleased I was pregnant.

 

The only thing is, I said I thought he might have preferred it if I'd had an abortion, because at least I wouldn't be chasing after him for money (during an argument last week he said "I suppose you'll get the child support agency onto me..." then took his comments back the next day). He said "well, you know where I am".

 

That worries me. I'm not sure whether to bring up his lack of responsibilty or not...unless he was just saying that to seem aloof or something?

 

All in all though, it was a good conversation - light and friendly, so maybe the first baby step towards reconciliation? As friends/being civil, nothing more. He even said he'd text me in half an hour (he was at work, and had to go as he was late leaving the bus stop he was at) when he'd stopped again so "we can talk".

[dr strangelove]

Well its not too often that I comment on a situation

 

The first thing that came to mind was my first girlfriend. She was african american or canadian whatever. She was much shorter then me but solid. It wasnt before long that we had an upset and she hit me.

 

Im not sure why she did. In any case we were not able to work through differences in a civil manner. Neither wanted to step down.

 

I remember one fight that left me with:

-bruises

-fat lip

-a bite on the back of my neck

-I couldnt really turn my head

 

If I learned one thing from her it was how to take a hit. I mean that seriously.

If any of you have ever heard me mention about how I was robbed and beat up.. I can honestly say she did alot worse to me then 3 stocky guys.

 

You have to realize lil Miss A...

Its great you are taking anger management or so you say. You probably need

yoga or something to channel that energy out.

 

He would probably do right to learn some self defense to subdue you if it comes up again, well honestly the best thing he can do is walk away and let you cool off.

 

He should also take some counselling cause he needs to understand why you act the way you do, it would probably be quite the eye opener trust me.

[silentcharon]

I contacted him.

All in all though, it was a good conversation - light and friendly, so maybe the first baby step towards reconciliation? As friends/being civil, nothing more. He even said he'd text me in half an hour (he was at work, and had to go as he was late leaving the bus stop he was at) when he'd stopped again so "we can talk".

 

No. He just doesn't care either way, whether you abort it or not, it's YOUR choice. That's how I read it. Of course, he's happy you're pregnant, but he's not the one who gets stuck with the baby.

 

And, no, again. It's not a step towards reconcilation. All you guys talked about was the baby, not about "you and him".

 

I think you need some serious help. I don't get along with people who behave in the same manner as you do, so I'm sorry if this post comes across as harsh. But you aren't getting it. Caliguy is giving out excellent advice, and you still don't get it. Forget reconcilation- you are history in his books.

 

I would hope you aren't using the baby to keep the guy in your life, because it won't work. Based on what you have said so far, I would not be surprised if you were hoping that the baby might, or something to that effect.

 

Leave the guy alone. If you plan on keeping the baby regardless, I would suggest that you get child support settled with him and then ... leave him be.

 

As per your post titled, "How can someone be so SURE they won't ever get back with you?" Hmm, I think I would be pretty sure myself.

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy - don't worry I'm not contacting him. I'm keeping my phone switched off and dealing with it by coming on here everytime I feel like I need to contact him! Kind of.

 

 

So much for that eh? It lasted what? A couple hours?

[alasia]

No. He just doesn't care either way, whether you abort it or not, it's YOUR choice. That's how I read it. Of course, he's happy you're pregnant, but he's not the one who gets stuck with the baby.

 

And, no, again. It's not a step towards reconcilation. All you guys talked about was the baby, not about "you and him".

 

I think you need some serious help. I don't get along with people who behave in the same manner as you do, so I'm sorry if this post comes across as harsh. But you aren't getting it. Caliguy is giving out excellent advice, and you still don't get it. Forget reconcilation- you are history in his books.

 

I would hope you aren't using the baby to keep the guy in your life, because it won't work. Based on what you have said so far, I would not be surprised if you were hoping that the baby might, or something to that effect.

 

Leave the guy alone. If you plan on keeping the baby regardless, I would suggest that you get child support settled with him and then ... leave him be

 

Well we talked about us in the sense that he said he did still have feelings for me, the reason he said he's not ready for another relationship is because he's not over me yet (I said "you're not over the violence" and he said no, you...the relationship").

 

I said I knew he wouldn't want to see me again and he said "I will see you, don't think you negatively" - this was through a text message"

 

I'm definitely not keeping the baby to get him back or to have him in my life; honestly, that's the only reason I'm NOT sure whether to keep it. I'm not sure I can cope with having a constant reminder of him in my life, and if I do end up having to chase him for child support - I just don't want to have to do that.

[CaliGuy]

Well we talked about us in the sense that he said he did still have feelings for me, the reason he said he's not ready for another relationship is because he's not over me yet (I said "you're not over the violence" and he said no, you...the relationship").

 

I said I knew he wouldn't want to see me again and he said "I will see you, don't think you negatively" - this was through a text message"

 

I'm definitely not keeping the baby to get him back or to have him in my life; honestly, that's the only reason I'm NOT sure whether to keep it. I'm not sure I can cope with having a constant reminder of him in my life, and if I do end up having to chase him for child support - I just don't want to have to do that.

 

Had my mom decided she didn't want a reminder of my dad around, I wouldn't be around to be giving you advice.

 

Just some food for thought.

[silentcharon]

Well, you have to decide now what you're going to do with the baby. Sure, the baby will be a reminder for you for the rest of your life, but it becomes a dim memory. That's what my mom says too, I never knew my dad- she raised me on her own without any child support. She doesn't think of him when she sees me, she thinks of how I am her daughter, that's it.

 

You don't have to chase him for child support if you don't want to, you have the option of raising it on your own. There are different ways of getting child support without having to see him.

 

 

Good luck.

[alasia]

CaliGuy - I didn't mean to seem insensitive, I'm not great at wording stuff and it usually comes out wrong. I hope I didn't offend you with my 'reminder' comment.

 

It's just all a mix of emotions at the moment, it's only in the last week that I've been feeling ok with the idea of being pregnant. I got a weird feeling earlier - I suddenly thought ahead to when the baby's born, and I got an image of me in my mind, my ex and his new girlfriend (he doesn't have one at the moment) coming round to my house to see the baby. I have no idea why that image popped into my head, but I felt ok with it. I imagined offering them a drink and chatting to the girlfriend...obviously that's not usually how things usually work out, but if it did happen like that I'd be ok with it.

 

I wonder if that means I'm finally starting to imagine my life without my ex - I started wondering today what it really is I miss about him, and all I thought of was the sex, and kissing him. Nothing about his personality as such, although now I'm thinking about it I do miss him as a person, too. But if the sex is the first thing that comes into my mind when I think about missing him, maybe I am getting over him? Kind of.