money issues....

[Crystal]

today my b/f gave me $500.00 to put into my checking account to pay house bills and my own bills.

 

today i came home from working and he called and wanted me to go run an errand for him, tho not of any urgent nature.

 

i told him i did not feel like going right now, and he said they dont close until 5:00 so could i go before then? it was about 3:00 when he asked me this.

 

i asked him if sami could go, his assistant..he said she was leaving now, and i said can't she stop on the way home, it is not that far out of her way.?

 

he said to never mind he'd go himself and hung up on me. a few minutes later, sami, called me and told me that he said after he hung up the phone that is he is sick and tired of giving me fxcking money to pay her fxcking bills and gettin nothing in return for it.

 

another lady that works there also heard this. i rarely if ever ask him for money or for anything but considering he pays the mortgage of $1700.00 a month and i pay some of the smaller bills and try to buy food as well.

 

i should be eternally greatful towards him and do what he wants when he wants without complaint?

 

is that right? i dont know how to handle this, really i dont...

i feel as his beck and call and have horrible guilt when i dont want to do something for him because i know all that he does for me.

 

i sometimes think still to leave him so he can be free again, even free to find someone else who can help hiim in ways that i seem to be unable to do.

 

tho my heart breaks in pieces at the thought of leaving him, best then to be at his beck and call and put up with it since he does so much for me, right?

 

or better to go leave him and claim my independence back by getting a job that pays better, more hours and getting my own place far far away from this state.

 

why does it seem easier to get back my independence alone, away from him then it is to do it with him?

 

i think at times that i have become co-dependent on him financially and tho i never abuse it, and it is just so very hard with him to get out and go back to school or get a job an stay with it, a better paying job with more hours i mean.

 

i dont know what to do...any suggestions?

[butterflyz]

independence is always the way to go. if a person gives with the expectation of getting something back... then it's not love you are dealing with...it's a business arrangement. he is giving you money, possibly, hoping to gain some control. become financially independent and he'll change or leave..for someone who will take that role.

[clia]

If he's the one paying your $1700 mortgage and "bigger bills" and is constantly giving you money, then yes, you should be willing to run an errand for him from time to time, since he is AT WORK and can't do it himself. That's the problem with working full time...it's often hard to take care of those little errands. If you were just sitting on your butt at home watching Judge Judy and too lazy to go, there's a problem and I don't blame him for being mad. (After all, you had two solid hours to do it...what were you so busy doing?)

 

This may not be the position you wanted yourself to be in, but you are. Relationships need to be 50/50, at least on some level. If you can't contribute financially, you need to be willing to do other things, even if you are tired, and even if you don't feel like it. That's the way life works.

 

If you don't like it, get a full time job and pay your own bills. Then you don't have to answer to anyone!

[Guinness]

Actually I know this kind of argument from my parents - and I also know that whenever my father says these kind of things he has lots of work and is stressed out and just generally angry, but he never really means them the way they sound.

 

And then, it is OK from him to ask you for favours when he is paying more then you are. This doesn't mean that you have to be his servant, and it has nothing to do with love. It is just fair. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I just think it is strange, that his assistant is calling you to tell you what he said! Are you sure that she/he is not trying to get you two apart? Why is this her/his business???

 

I would not think of leaving a guy because of this, I rather would talk about it with him to solve such problems.

[Crystal]

I'M sorry i guess i should of mentioned that, that is why she called to tell me what he said.

 

i do agree with you and the others that i should do what he wants me to do because he does work full time and i do not.

 

but i rarely if ever mind running errands for hiim, i do them all the time, i am mainly at home tho helping him out doing phone calls, and or computer work or paper work for him.

 

this was probably a rare ocassion where i had just gotten home myself and was very tired and did not feel like running around.

 

plain and simple..it did not mean that i do not appreciate his help...i appreciate it very much..

 

some times tho i think ilost my independence along the way with all of his help and have become disabled in some sort of way..yuck..

 

so thanks again for the opinions that is what i thought, but it just seems that i have no say so in when i want to do something for him if i am not feelng well..

 

thanks again..i appreciate all the honesty!

[Ally Boo]

Ok lets look at the bottom line. You say that you do not abuse the situation, but obviously he does. If one person sees that there is a problem...THERE IS A PROBLEM. Period. Talk to him about this situation and ask him what he needs you to do to make him feel like it is more equal.

 

Money will make or break a relationship...do what works...not what SEEMS fair.

[aquarius]

why does it seem easier to get back my independence alone, away from him then it is to do it with him?

 

If you try hard enough you can find an excuse for everything. You make a lot of excuses, I do that too. You have to realize that it's up to YOU to take action. You just have to grit your teeth and take a leap sometimes. It seems easier to dream about what you would do only if... If you moved out and went back home you'd find more excuses to hinder you. It's not so much your current situation but your current state of mind.

[Crystal]

ya know i've thought about that alot too.

i've thought about how i would/may feel

if i left, and i thought maybe that i am thinking

that the grass is greener....

 

i dunno for sure tho...and i hate to lose something

only to find out it was NOT him but my way of thinking and or

"my current state of mind" as you say.

 

you are totally right, and that is why i have not yet made any moves, just sat back and complained about it all, and cried the blues about everything..

 

that is why i KNOW i need some counseling, and am looking into it again but with a new perspective on things maybe being the way i see them, and not so much being the way i think they are, illusionary or real..

 

thanks for the feed back...definitely appreciate it!

[Ally Boo]

Oops I meant to say Obviously he THINKS you do.

[Daisy]

I used to be more of a regular on Loveshack about a year ago, maybe more than that. Crystal, I remember your sad posts then. Nothing changes with you, does it? Let me put it this way: what right do you have to bitch and moan about being asked to do an errand for your fiance, when he's the only one in the relationship who's working full time to support you both? He pays to put a roof over your head, and likely just about everything else. Don't you have any pride or respect? You have to take money from him so that you can pay your bills? Why don't you just be a woman and get out there and get a full time job and support yourself and make a fair financial contribution to the relationship?

 

You have some real problems. The moment things don't go your way, you talk about wanting to leave. Sounds like a little kid who threatens to run away from home when the kid isn't getting his own way.

 

You say your daughter is his assistant. Wow, so this poor guy is not only supporting you, he's helping to support her too (indirectly). Poor guy. And she should have her arse fired for calling you up and telling you what he says. How tacky and unprofessional of her. She sounds like a troublemaker and a tattletale.

 

The whole lot of you sound awfully dysfunctional. Your fiance, for putting up with these ongoing neuroses of yours....you, for being so needy, codependent and someone who can't take responsibility for yourself whatsoever....and your daughter, for breaching her boss' confidence.

 

I predict that if this board exists 5 years from now, you will still be posting here, Crystal...with the exact same petty problems. Yes, you should go get counselling, again. And again. And again. And then, just grow up and be a woman.

[Crystal]

do you seem to have me pegged here as the bad guy all the time?

 

what makes you think that this guy is even close to being a saint?

this guy has remmants of MANIC DEPRESSION, so you know what that is daisy?

 

do you know how hard it is to live with someone when you dont know from one minute to the next when his next out burst is going to be?

 

that is his temper tantrum form...that is what i live with!

yes i choose to live with it and bitch about it in myhead but you know in my heart is where i have the problem of leaving!

 

he admits he needs stress management counseling but does nothing to get it either..

 

he knows i will not fly and i dont like traveling as much as i use too..

 

yet he is sooooo good at saying things about "lets take a trip to hawaii" knowing full well that you have to fly there and knowing full well how i feel about it..

 

what do you call that??? full torment is what i call it!

so dont get on me about being dysfunction while thinking he is some godly saint cause he is not and far far from it!

 

as for my daughter telling me what he says...well i have been her mother far longer then he has been her boss, besides she calls him daddy..

 

so it is not like some real professional work thing anyway..

he did not have to hire her, he was desperately in need of help and she was available and wanting to learn the business..

 

he is not supporting her indirectly as she earns her own money and works very hard for it!

 

as for me, i do work, tho i work as much as i can, maybe it is not full time but if i could i would.

 

for the money he wants to help me out...i earn it from him, i work for him at home ALLL THE TIME!!!!

 

everyday i do work for him at home, i am basically his gopher...the money he gave me to pay offmy bills was his idea and i told him i did not want to just take the money so i would do extra work for him to EARN it..

 

you seem to have somedistorted picture here of all that goes on..

you can only judge our relationship by what you see typed out on these pages..

 

so there fore i think it is best to keep your ruling's to yourself as they are not always what you seem...

[Ally Boo]

DOH!!! Although I tend to sugar coat things, and I'd never say it exactly like you did, I think that what you said needed to be said.

[Crystal]

that was nicely put..

 

it seems my last response was deleted as i cannot find it

 

anywhere..

 

i dont know why it would of been tho..

 

there was nothing wrong with it that i knew of??/

 

thanks tho..

[Just A Girl2]

I don't think ally's response was to you Crystal, it was in agreement with daisy. i agree too.

[butterflyz]

that it's real easy to criticize someone unless you walk in their shoes.

 

yes, Crystal, if you would like complete independence, then you need to make it happen. to pull yourself out of a vicious cycle, you will need some sort of help, be it a friend, loved one or counselor.

 

the fact that daisy was unpleasantly blunt to you, just demonstrates her impatience with you. she feels as though you haven't grown, stayed in one place too long.

 

you want support and empathy. she wants you to get up and get started with your life. people don't want to hear the same sad stories over and over. i know, because it's happened to me. yet, i 'm supposed to listen to their ongoing crap, just because.

 

life is just not fair. so, take what daisy said with a grain of salt. or you could investigate it further and see what happens when you look inside of yourself. you might see that she has a point. no one is belittling your pain. please don't feel that. your pain is very real. but YOU are the only person that can change it. and it starts with this very toxic love relationship that you are in.

 

don't get involved for a while with a man, and see how that distraction being gone helps you focus in on who you are and what you want.