cheated on... sorta?

[tkgirl]

I'll try to make this as short as possible, but here's the story:

 

I've had this on again-off again thing with this guy that I thought I really liked... only HE never seemed ready for anything too serious. Anyho... we've been sort of "on-again" and things seemed pretty good. He was calling more and putting a lot more effort into the relationship than he did in the past. For example - last week when he took me out - he payed for everything, kept his arm around me practically the whole time and kept introducing me to people he knew as "his girl" - in general he was just being really great. I've had a hard time letting myself get too close because I've been hurt by him in the past, but it seemed like he was really trying to change and so I let my guard down again.

 

Anyways, this is what happened: A few nights ago he called me up and really wanted to see me. He was at work at the time, but thought he could come over on his dinner break. So I invited him over and one thing lead to another and... you get the picture. Not that we haven't slept together before, it just had been a little while... At the time we felt so close (of course) but I noticed pretty much immediately afterwards there was this awkwardness between us

 

Okay well, here's the really yucky part! I didn't mention the fact that we happen to work together, did I? Well, the next day I go into work and had some free time to check my email on our computer. But when I logged on, the "history" thing was up so I couldn't help but look at what sights were looked at recently (it was right in front of my face!) And there it was: the "Yahoo Personals" with about 20 sub-categories - all which were for "men seeking women, ages 25-40" in a town where he lives (about 50 miles north of our work) Okay, so at this point curiosity got the best of me and I was able to "right-click" on each one and see under "properties" things like how many times each one was visited and what time of the day - which happened to be only ONE FRICKIN' HOUR after he left my house! I felt sick when I saw that - it's like a HUGE stab in the heart! I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed... That he can be with me one minute and then right after that, be scoping the net for what else is out there. And no offense to anyone, but to me most of those women who would put an ad out like that are pathetic losers. But I'm just soooo hurt that I'm probably making too harsh a judgement. Forgive me.

 

Anyways, I don't know what to do next. Should I confront him about what I found? Or just write him off as the shallow, heartless, son of a bitch that he is. He called me last night again but I haven't called him back yet. I'm still way too pissed to even think straight at this point. And it sucks that I have to work with him, because I really don't feel like I ever want to see him again, let alone try to be semi-friendly.

 

Thank you for reading all of this. I really don't know what to do - so any suggestions would be great!

[yes]

I think mentioning it to him will blow up into a fight over invading privacy and sneaking around and what-not.

 

I think what you can do is simply create lots of disatnce - stay friendly but don't go on dates with him. See how hard he works to get you back to himself...

 

I think the personals thing could be innocent (ive looked at personals, but id NEVER contact anyone this way); or it could be a bad sign. I say you need more info to draw conclusions...

 

Just some thoughts,

-yes

[clia]

Confront him about what? You didn't make it sound like he's your boyfriend or that you two are even on the same page with where or what the relationship is. Paying for a date doesn't mean a whole lot in my book. He's not your boyfriend, so he's entitled to date whoever he wants or look for dates however he wants. If you blow up at him about this, he's going to look at you strangely and say "Well, you aren't my girlfriend" and then you are going to feel even more crappy.

 

He may be shallow and heartless, but he did not cheat on you. You didn't press for exclusivity before you slept with him, so you really have no right to be angry. Hurt, yes. Angry at him? Nope. For all you know he thinks you are out dating other people, too.

 

Look, you know this guy has a history of acting flaky. The best thing to do now is to stop sleeping with him, stop calling him. Don't be there to give him his fix anymore. If he doesn't turn it around, just move on. On again, off again for over a year is no fun.

[butterflyz]

let it go - he obviously is into playing the field.

 

A suggestion - until you establish that you are a "couple" - don't let a guy come over for a convenient quickie - it only backfires.

[tkgirl]

to think that he might really care about me. And I AM angry... but more so at myself! But tell me, what would you all think if you were seeing a guy and he does stuff like: #1 call just to say he's thinking about me. #2 make plans with me to do different trips. Like in a couple of weeks we WERE supposed to go to S.F. for the weekend. And we were already planning some snowboarding trips for later this winter. And #3 (a big one!) he has told me that he loves me on more than one occasion. Plus, if he didn't think we were a couple, then what was all that about when he introduced me to all his friends as "his girl" the other night? I may be a little naive at times, but he really had me! And it hurt like a mother when I found out how he could just go on the internet and check out the personals only ONE HOUR after making love to me! I can't just be like "oops, probably shouldn't have slept with him. Oh well, life goes on..." I'm really hurt and I don't know what to do! He's already called once and I know he'll call again. I have to face him somehow, but I agree that I shouldn't confront him about my discovery. I really don't know what's going to happen, I just know that I want him the hell out of my life!

 

Anyways, thanks for letting me vent some more!

[Guinness]

I really understand how you feel. I have been in a similar situation too and at the end I always hated myself for letting a guy do this to me.

 

But here is just what I think:

 

First what you saw on his computer does not have to mean what you think it does. I do look at personals on the internet from time to time, sometimes simply because I am bored and curious. I also did this during my previous realtionship.

 

And then, I know that it is not always best to talk about everything. But I personally have to talk about things that bother me because otherwise I can't get over with them and they'll spin around in my head endlessly if I don't. I would say, if you really are not in contact with him and he is trying to "get you back" or shows concern why this is so - then you kind of should talk about it with him. At least then you have a definite answer. And on his reaction you can see what really is going on.

 

But it could be that he never so your relationship as very serious - and saying "I love you" does not always have to mean anything - it can also depends on when he says it... But having hurt you before I would be cautious!

 

I hope it works out for you and that my "brainstorming" helped a little bit!

[tkgirl]

it's nice to know that someone out there knows how I feel - although I'm sorry that you got hurt, too. You know what I mean! Anyways today for some reason I'm feeling very sad about the whole thing. Maybe it's because he hasn't called since Thursday and even though I haven't called him back either, it makes me even more sure he doesn't care about me. Like he should call me again and be like "what's up, why haven't you called me back?" I would try talking to him, if I thought he really cared, but obviously he doesn't. So now I just have to move on and when I see him at work I'll have to pretend that everything is just great with me.

It's not though, I feel so sad and lonely - like I'll never find anyone that will actually care about me. I've had some really sweet boyfriends in the past but now it seems like I've blown all my chances and I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. This sucks!

[clia]

tk,

 

There are many of us out here who know how you feel and have been through very similar types of things.

 

I've learned to not take anything at face value anymore when it comes to dating. It seems like dishonesty and lies are on the rise, at least IMO. I don't get it sometimes at all, how someone can act one way and then turn around and not care at all so quickly after. It's nutty.

 

But there's no way you are destined to be alone. You'll find someone out there who is worthy of you!

[Ally Boo]

I love you doesn't mean anything. As it was said before in this thread....actions speak louder than words. It's funny, we all think that guys have a hard time with the big "L" word, but actually, some guys have a problem not WITH saying it...but with saying it TOO much and when they DON'T mean it, just to keep peace. ALWAYS keep that in mind...

[tkgirl]

I appreciate everyone's response to my post, it's always good to get different perspectives on a situation. I'm feeling better today, like it's not so bad to be alone... as long as it's not a permanent thing! That's just a huge fear of mine. Anyways, I still haven't spoken to HIM - but when I do I decided that I have to let him know that whatever we were doing is over. That we want to different things and it's better if we could just be friends etc. I just hope I can hide the hurt I feel... Anyways, I know things will get better. I'll find someone out there who really deserves me. Until then...

[butterflyz]

that some people (men and women) use and manipulate someone's feelings so that they can get what they want.

 

i know that he TALKED to you about a lot of things, but obviously he never followed through. i have also been in similar situations as you. something that i am going to implement in the future is to wait and see if what a guy says matches his actions. since i don't lie and manipulate, i naively assume that others won't either - WRONG!

 

so, what that means is that i don't give all my trust upfront. just an idea for you too.

[tkgirl]

I feel that since I'm basically a good person (I would never try to use or manipulate anyone) that I'll be treated the same. Unfortunately, not everyone is as nice as we are. I think I finally learned that I shouldn't trust so easily and make someone prove themselves to me first... but not forcefully, no bright light bulb shining on them or whatever-haha! Anyways, I wish you the best and thanks for your post!

[just_a_girl]

Originally posted by tkgirl

I feel that since I'm basically a good person (I would never try to use or manipulate anyone) that I'll be treated the same. Unfortunately, not everyone is as nice as we are. I think I finally learned that I shouldn't trust so easily and make someone prove themselves to me first... but not forcefully, no bright light bulb shining on them or whatever-haha! Anyways, I wish you the best and thanks for your post!

 

 

I know exactly what you mean, i think that i am basically a good person and feel if i treat people well i should be treated the same way, but i also learnt recently that things don't work that way.

 

In my opinion you should give this guy the flick, but i know from experience that that can be difficult if you heart doesn't want to let go. Just do what is best for YOU.

 

Feel free to check out my post also, its a similar issue:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=18025

[katybird]

I'd say your biggest problem is not your love life, but your career. As in, you're probably gonna want to find a new job.

 

Reading your post prompted me to register, because I had the strong feeling of totally relating to what you're going through.

 

I dated a guy who was in the same program as I was in school. Sorta like working together. Anyway, he and I were always "on again/off again" and there was a LOT of pain involved.

 

The problem with "on again/off again" is that one of you can conveniently say that they're not committed when they feel like dating someone else. This is a good reason to not sleep with someone until there is a verbal committment of exclusivity. If a guy can't commit and say "I only want to be with YOU" then they are not going to pass up other opportunities.

 

You're in love with this guy, and I believe that he's going to hurt you until you get away from him.

[tkgirl]

I'm baaaaaaack! anyho... Thanks again to everyone who's responded to my last post. Now for an update (as promised!) Well.. he's called me quite a bit this last week or so since "that" happened (the personals thing) and I've managed to avoid having to confront him about our "relationship". Usually I would either just not call him back, or one night I even pretended I was sick when he wanted to come over. He's been really sweet when I have spoken to him, so it's been a little difficult to stay mad - which some of you said I had no right being anyways. But I do need to say/do something, right? I can't really handle the casual thing (that's obvious) so what do I say to him? It's strange that I even still like him, but not as much as I used to. It's just that we have had some good times together and it would be nice if we could continue hanging out once in a while, but I'm not sure that would be possible without the physical stuff getting in the way! I wish I would have taken things alot slower, knowing now what I know about him - that's he just wants to "date" me and whoever else, too. It just seems to be a little late to be so casual now.

 

So.... my question is, where do I go from here? He keeps calling, the last time was just a few hours ago and I haven't called him back. I can't keep avoiding him forever, since I work with him. Why am I such a chicken s%*#?

 

Anyways, any more input/advice would be so appreciated!

[Tony T]

You can never go wrong by being straightforward with your feelings. Call him and tell him EXACTLY what you think and why you feel this will not work and why you don't want to see him. If he is unrelenting in trying to change your mind, tell him your mind is set and if he continues you will hang up. Let him know clearly that your feelings are NOT up for discussion.

 

Once you get used to confronting situations like this instead of avoiding them, your life will go a lot smoother. Remember, YOU are not responsible for the way OTHERS feel. They have to take that on for themselves.

 

If he doesn't understand where you're coming from, that's not your problem.

[Ally Boo]

Ok decide what you want to do...be with him?? or not?? Make up your mind, and act on it. If you want to be with him and try again, then ya know, answer the phone. lol IF you don't, then answer the phone anyway, and tell him. There...no more drama. Wasn't that easy??