cheater wants ex back.

[shellys-trying]

He's gonna have to do alot of groveling and keeping his eyes downcast when other women come around to get anywhere, more than likely.

[vivrantflo]

Thank you all for your responses.. As much as most of you dislike me, your opinions and comments are welcome..

 

To LucreziaBorga, the last point that you made, made a lot of sense.. her chosing to be with someone that's new and hasnt hurt her, over someone she loves and doesnt trust right now. I dont refute that thought process at all. I have made over 5 or 6 attempts to leave her alone with her new boyfriend.. and after a few days of no contact, she calls crying about how she doesnt want me with another woman, and she insinuates that if I can wait for her, without her relationship hurting me, then I should. She drops hints that she just wants time away from me, which in turn keeps me around and gives me hope. See my issue?? BTW, she told me that even though she's with that guy now, she hasnt closed the door on "us" again. She says that she's not promising me anything, and that she hasn't promised that guy anything. Now if those comments dont make it hard for a guy to walk away, I dont know what would.

 

BTW, I am 27, and she is 21.. believe it or not.. this was both our first real relationship.

 

To Lorr, I have told her that I would expect her to have issues with me if we ever got back together.. I love her dearly, so I would do anything to earn her trust back. Give her my passwords to all my accounts, voice mail, a key to my place.. and I want to eventually move her in with me. I would rather work 110% at earning her trust back, rather than to easily start fresh with some other woman.

 

Stacie79, Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post on 3 different occasions, but when someone says that I dont love her, or that I never loved her, I usually tune them out. Yes, I made a stupid mistake, very stupid, and selfish.. but that doesnt mean that I dont love the woman that I shared 3 years of ups and downs with. You're basically saying that Shellys-trying's husband had no love for her when he made a mistake, and that he has no honour for wanting his wife back. I totally disagree.

 

Shellys-Trying, Thank you for your realistic, but optimistic views.. I'm glad to hear that your husband has cleaned up.. Your husband and myself have to live with the fact that we scarred the woman who had 100% trust in us, and now it can never be the same again, cause of what we did. And that is definately enough incentive to never make a mistake like that again.

 

I'm trying to believe the saying that, if it's meant to be, it will happen. But I just want to make the right steps in this situation. I want her back, and as selfish as that may be, it's true. I want her back. I have been dishonourable in cheating on her... now for a man in my position, that does want her back, I want to do the honourable thing that can set the stage for a possible second chance with her.

[stace79]

I will just NEVER understand how someone who claims to love someone can kiss or have sex with another person. I don't know of any excuse that could make that right, acceptable or forgiveable. Maybe if you thought your girlfriend or wife was dead, that might be an excuse. Otherwise, sorry no deal.

[LakesideDream]

Hurtin, you sound much to immature to be in a committed LTR. You decided to cheat, You got caught, You whined about the outcome (rightously being dumped) and then you chide your previous SO for being in a "rebound" relationship.

 

Rebound.. now that's funny. What did you call your actions, "pre-bound"... or maybe "pre-emptive defence"?

 

Move along, leave the woman alone. Maybe you'll get another chance in a few years.

[vivrantflo]

LakesideDream, no, I dont call my actions any of those.. I call it a horrible mistake that I regret terribly..

 

"As for the longing you feel. It's one of life's great burdens. My only advise is to be honest, and genuine, please remember where there is life there is hope... anything is possible in the fullness of time."

 

Thats a quote from you, that you posted in another forum.. I like this one a lot better. I just hope by leaving her alone, and establishing NC, she can see how genuine I am, and how devoted I am to earning her trust back.

 

And if going into another relationship two weeks after getting out of a 3 year relationship is not a rebound, then maybe someone can explain to me what a rebound relationship is.

 

Everyone here is telling me to leave her alone and all that.. but I NEVER initiate contact with her.. she always contacts me either through msn, email, or a phone call. What should I do? Ignore her, even though I want her back? Posters here seem to be assuming that im calling her, or emailing her asking for her back.. no.. I made my intentions clear to her, she knows I want her back, and I left it at that. What in the world do I do when she's sending me mixed messeges?

[LakesideDream]

LakesideDream, no, I dont call my actions any of those.. I call it a horrible mistake that I regret terribly..

 

"As for the longing you feel. It's one of life's great burdens. My only advise is to be honest, and genuine, please remember where there is life there is hope... anything is possible in the fullness of time."

 

Thats a quote from you, that you posted in another forum.. I like this one a lot better. I just hope by leaving her alone, and establishing NC, she can see how genuine I am, and how devoted I am to earning her trust back.

 

 

Are you a politician? You are very adept at taking a quote out of context. That being said, YOU cheated. YOU lied, YOU were caught, YOU didn't confess in an attempt to save your relationship, YOU lied to cover up your misdeed.

 

My advice was for you, as requested by you. It was not for your girlfriend. She will make decisions she believes will serve her best (hopefully) whatever those decisions may entail.

 

IF you are genuine of course there is hope. Even if you are not genuine there is still a chance for you to be with this woman.. strange things happen. My suggestion, take some time to access your situation. Actions speak much louder than words.

[Trialbyfire]

As I said previously, do you honestly care about what's good for her?

 

The impression I'm getting is that you care about yourself and your feelings. This is called passive-aggressive to continue to be her support when she's down and allowing her to continue contact. This way, she will always need you so you can continue to control her relationship(s) to ensure that they don't work.

[vivrantflo]

LakesideDream, yes, your advice is for me, and yes it was requested by me. I apologize if I appeared smug or rude towards you. I am honestly just hurting everyday, as I really do regret what I have done, and how I've hurt this lady. I have accepted that this is all my fault, and it was my actions that caused this mess.. I am very genuine in wanting to earn her love and trust back.. I mean that with everything in me. Which is why I signed up on here.. to get everyone's advice as to how this should be done. Not to be told how bad I am, and selfish I am for still loving her. My family never raised me to cheat, I Wasnt brought up this way, I made a mistake.

 

Trialbyfire, yes, I do care about her happiness, and yes, I am also concerned about my feelings as well.. I can't deny that. I have sleepless nights, and tons of nights alone crying over how I hurt this woman, and how now someone else gets to call her wifey now. I don't want to be a passive-aggressive.. that sounds to be very vindictive, sneaky, and selfish. But as I stated earlier.. I NEVER contact her.. she contacts me.. she STILL calls me her best friend, and admits that being with this man, takes her mind off the pain that I caused her. She DOES say that he treats her good, and is a good man.. but that she hasnt closed the door on being with me again.. So it's hard to ignore her 100% So what should I do? Me being a genuine man, in wanting to make her happy again, and wanting to share a life with her, given the whole situation, what should I do? I dont want to manipulate her relationship. If we are gonna be together again, I want it so that SHE decides she'd like to try again, not because other relationships didn't work out.

 

Thank you so much people, for allowing me to have someone to talk to.. I really appreciate this.

[vivrantflo]

By the way, I currently have her blocked and deleted on my msn, just so that she can experience life without me, and that she can enjoy her relationship without having to think about how I feel about it. However, I have contradicting thoughts.. She wants to remain in contact.. so do I leave her unblocked, so that she can speak to me whenever she needs to? So I can asnwer questions she still may have? I dont want her to think that I hate her for being in a relationship, YET, at the same time, I dont want her to view me as just a friend, or a confidant.. you know what I mean? I really, and truly, don't know what to do.

[norajane]

Why can't you just tell her that you can't hang around and try to be her "friend" while she's with another guy because of your feelings for her? And then just leave her to herself.

 

Anyway, leave her blocked. If she has something important to say, she has your phone number, she knows where you live, she has your email. IM is a lame form of communication.

[LakesideDream]

Vivra, Fine. Have you heard the comment: "You can't unring a bell"? That's your situation now. The progress and outcome of the situation are not in your hands, you will be more comfortable if you accept that.

 

You quoted me earlier, and the quote has merit for you. In a nutshell, where there is life there is hope. Good Luck.

[vivrantflo]

Hello everyone.. just making an update on my situation here.. after I last posted a month ago, I decided to step out of my ex's life, and allow her to be with her boyfriend in peace. She has every right to experience other people, and this space should allow her to make a clear decision of how she wants to continue. I initiated NC on the first of this month, and told her that we shouldnt talk for a good few months, so she can live her life and sort out her feelings... she reluctantly agreed.. however.. since then.. she emailed me on Easter to wish me happy holidays, and to keep me up to date on her job search.. I never replied.... two weeks later, she called me for my birthday.. I screened the call and never answered.. she left a voice mail saying happy birthday, and wished me well.. I never returned the call.. and then today she called me (from a blocked number).. I didn't pick up.. and she left a totally random messege telling me about a Facebook page that has an acquaintence of mine on it.. totally unecessary to call me and tell me that. Her demeanor on the phone was sooo phony it was almost funny.. like the situation on the computer was sooo funny.. it seemed like she was trying really hard to appear happy, the laughs sounded fake.. it was weird. I requested NC this month, for a few months, and she's already tried to contact me 3 times.. and recently, Ive been getting quite a few calls that have been blocked, but no voicemail.. so since she left a VM with a blocked number, im ASSUMING that she's been calling me.. and if thats the case.. she's been calling me at least once a day for the last two weeks.. if she's with her man, and I have granted her space to be with him, why does she keep trying to get in touch with me? if she doesnt want to be with me, and I expressed zero interest in being just friends, why can't she leave me alone? Am I doing the right thing by not talking to her? Does anyone have an idea of what could be going through her head? Please keep in mind that I still love this lady and want her back.. I just decided to back away and let her live her life.. me in the meantime have received counselling, and have begun a major overhaul in my way of thinking, and how I treat others.. Any responses would be welcome.. thank you in advance

[Virgo1982]

If she loves you, she would drop the other guy. It's completely selfish and unfair what she is doing to him. Send her my response if you wish...She has GOT to decide whether she wants to work things out with you, or if she wants to move on with him. But she MUST NOT try to have both. It's unfair to everyone involved and will only get to be a murkier situation the longer it goes on.

 

I agree. It sounds to me if she is on the road to becoming a hypocrite...Or is it just me?

[vivrantflo]

She has been hypocritical in this situation.. cause we have had sex a few times during their relationship.. We both felt awful and decided that it wasnt right, and stopped it. Since then though, I have respected their relationship and backed off.. but why would she keep trying to get in touch with me? Especially if she's with someone else?

[Virgo1982]

She has been hypocritical in this situation.. cause we have had sex a few times during their relationship.. We both felt awful and decided that it wasnt right, and stopped it. Since then though, I have respected their relationship and backed off.. but why would she keep trying to get in touch with me? Especially if she's with someone else?

 

Oh no, she is being a hyprocrite and a cake eater. What she should have done, was forgiven you or moved on. However, she dumped you for being a horrible cheater. Then, picked up rebound boy, and wants to continue seeing you.

 

NC

[Tormented]

I know I made a terrible mistake, and I know I'd never cheat again, cause I dont want to see her, or anyone else hurt like that ever again. It was my first and last time cheating. When we see each other, she smiles with me.. takes fuzz out of my hair, interlocks arms with me.. kinda acts like we're together, minus the kissing.

 

Hi Hurtin...

 

I haven't read the responding posts to this thread so I don't know what feed-back you've been given here, but I'll give you my 2 cents worth.

 

My ex cheated on me with an ex girlfriend that he claimed he hated for good reason. She cheated on him, stole from him, lied to him...then ran off and married the guy she was cheating with. Yet, he let her back in and I found out. Needless to say, I was absolutely devestated...can't remember ever hurting that bad.

 

She left her husband to be with my ex...which lasted a little over a month when my ex kicked her out. Throughout the time that she lived with him, he continued to make "silent" calls to my house and cell, and made it a habit to ensure driving by me everyday during my lunch hour (hes a log driver). And each time he passed by, he smiled and waved in attempt to catch my attention. Needless to say, I never waved back nor did I return his calls.

 

After kicking her out, he continued to make "silent" calls to my house and cell, was seen several times driving through my neighborhood, made a visit to my son's place of employment (asking about me, etc), made calls to my cell phone with a fake "persona," and even called my mother's house.

 

Finally, I agreed to talk to him...but I refused to do so "face-to-face" as he requested. Our conversations took place on the phone. He told me he never meant to hurt me (what the hell was he thinking???), that he knew within the first week of her moving in with him that he'd made a horrible mistake, that he missed me and thought about me every day, that there was nothing he could say or do to "make it up to me."

 

He requested that we spend a day together to see "how I felt about him" after doing so. He frequently brought up "good times" we had, and kept saying..."that was real love."

 

I told him that I will never forgive him nor trust him again for what he did and the hell he's put me through. It was extremely hard to walk away, but I did it because I knew, without a doubt, that I could NEVER look at him the same way again - ever. I could never trust him no matter how hard he tried to convince me of otherwise.

 

Cheating, in my world, is the ultimate betrayal and deal breaker. As far as I'm concerned...there's NO going back after this. It's over.

 

Oh, I'm sure he's got deep regrets for what he did, as you have expressed here, but what is done is done. The damage has been done and it can NOT be erased. Ever.

 

My advice to you is to lick your wounds, learn by this experience, and never - repeat- NEVER do this to another again.

 

As for your ex frequently calling you and even sleeping with you...my opionion is that she's out to punish you for the heartache you caused her. By keeping in contact with you, flaunting her "new" love in your face, sleeping with you periodically is her way of keeping her memory "fresh" in your mind by supplying you with "samples" of what you've lost with hopes that your pain and regret for what you did will linger just a bit longer. This is not to say she doesn't have feelings for you, I'm sure she does, but she wants to make damn sure your pain is as deep as the pain you caused her.

 

As the betrayed myself, I can completely see where she's coming from and I know why she's doing it. And sorry to say this...but I can't blame her. You hurt her bad.

 

The reason she won't give up the new guy is because she has absolutely NO intention of leaving him. She just wants to "even the score" with you.

 

And it sounds like she's been very successful in doing just that!

 

I don't mean to upset you nor am I trying to be cruel towards you...I know you regret what you did and people make mistakes. We all do. But this one was quite costly...to you both.

 

You learn, you live.

 

And now, you'll be a better man for it.

 

~T~

[shellys-trying]

Change your phone numbers, block her calls, etc. and move on.

 

She has someone and she has to dela with that. She seems very selfish and self centered, even after what you did to her.

 

Kinda reminds me of the whole Angelina/Billy Bob marriage. he cheated on her, she divorced and went on to wreck Brad and Jennifer's marriage.

 

Only difference is your X still wants her new beau and she wants to hold on to you, for whatever reason.

 

I'd move on. What is there for you 2 together anyway? Your relationship has been built on lies and one person using another.

[vivrantflo]

thanks for your responses.. Tormented.. I do agree, I have learned tons from this experience, and I have become a better person out of this.. I know I could never make this same mistake with anyone ever again. I am sure she wanted to even the score with me, and yeah it has worked.. unfortunately her new man is now a sucker, cause he's been cheated on about 5 times, and will most likely never find out. I am keeping no contact in tact, she's reaching out to me cause im 100% positive she misses me.. I miss her so much too.. I just hope time can work on my side, and she can find it in her heart to forgive me.. Shellys-trying.. she's holding on to me cause we have just spent 3 years together, and she loved every fibre of my being... I made a mistake... and she knows im sorry for it. I'm really hoping for a second chance with this woman, cause I do love her..a lot.. I just hope this time apart can allow her feelings to mend, and somehow give us that opportunity down the line to start fresh, and rekindle our love for each other..

[shellys-trying]

Well, the best of luck to ya. This woman has learned how to cheat, so don't be surprised that once she's got you back, if she decides to, she doesn't cheat on you.

I guess it's true that's all's fair in love and war.

[shellys-trying]

so don't be surprised that once she's got you back, if she decides to, she doesn't cheat on you.

 

 

Or should I rephrase that to, since she's learned to cheat, she'll probably cheat on you, if she takes you back. She kinda is everytime she's slept with you then went back to her new beau and slept with him.

That could be what she was after all the time. Very slick revenge.

[Trialbyfire]

so don't be surprised that once she's got you back, if she decides to, she doesn't cheat on you.

 

 

Or should I rephrase that to, since she's learned to cheat, she'll probably cheat on you, if she takes you back. She kinda is everytime she's slept with you then went back to her new beau and slept with him.

That could be what she was after all the time. Very slick revenge.

For every action, there's a reaction. Keep in mind that she's the product of your original actions.

 

Continue walking away. This dysfunctional relationship can only end in more pain.

[underpants]

Sorry, as you may not like what I have to say. Howver I am compelled.

 

How old are you? 12?

 

You cheated on this woman, then proclaim how it was a mistake and how you learned, only to let her cheat on her guy??? WTF? Don't even....

 

You and her are on a lifetime pathway to depression and just badness....and it may just be too late.

 

You may have enlightened her to the positive thrills of cheating....thus doubling your guilt later....when she cheats on you, and you realize that you were the teacher....this will sting one day.

 

It may be time to take the higher road, learn from this ...life lesson and never cheat again, if someone cheats on you let them go. Thank her for the lesson and move the heck on....you do not want this on your conscious ..ever. It doesn't ever really go away.

 

I really do think if more people just walked the walk there would be so much less of this drama and hurt...

 

I know this sounds harsh but it rings of game playing and manipulation and the thrill of winning (although not really winning...just the temporary high of false redemption)....

 

I don't know I guess I could be all wrong and you like so many others here might just be the variable that disproves the norm. I'm sorry I just can't have too much compassion for someone who knowingly putts themselves into a bad situation.

 

Good luck.

[alittleconfused]

Sorry, as you may not like what I have to say. Howver I am compelled.

 

How old are you? 12?

 

You cheated on this woman, then proclaim how it was a mistake and how you learned, only to let her cheat on her guy??? WTF? Don't even....

 

You and her are on a lifetime pathway to depression and just badness....and it may just be too late.

 

You may have enlightened her to the positive thrills of cheating....thus doubling your guilt later....when she cheats on you, and you realize that you were the teacher....this will sting one day.

 

It may be time to take the higher road, learn from this ...life lesson and never cheat again, if someone cheats on you let them go. Thank her for the lesson and move the heck on....you do not want this on your conscious ..ever. It doesn't ever really go away.

 

I really do think if more people just walked the walk there would be so much less of this drama and hurt...

 

I know this sounds harsh but it rings of game playing and manipulation and the thrill of winning (although not really winning...just the temporary high of false redemption)....

 

I don't know I guess I could be all wrong and you like so many others here might just be the variable that disproves the norm. I'm sorry I just can't have too much compassion for someone who knowingly putts themselves into a bad situation.

 

Good luck.

 

I agree with underpants here. I also would like to add:

1. You keep saying it's "one mistake" but it's really not that simple. a mistake is like "I went out to the casino and forgot to tell my gf that I'd be at the black jack tables till 2 am." or maybe "I forgot to call her even though I promised I'd give her a call." This is a lot more like a disaster, which you intentionally created.

 

2. I don't think you didn't love your girlfriend, but you have to at least admit: you love yourself MORE than you love your girlfriend or you would not have cheated in the 1st place. What, you thought she wouldn't mind?!

 

3. You STILL love yourself more than you love your girlfriend or you'd tell her that things have changed (duh, she's dating someone new, has cheated on him with you, etc) and you both need to be apart in order for HER to grow from it and for you, well you really should step back and let her be happy... and trust me... the grass IS greener on the other side in this case, even if not with THIS guy, some other guy will treat her better than you EVER did.

 

4. She's calling you because she's accustomed to having you always there for her, you've perpetuated her being dependent on you so OF COURSE she's trying to call you. It's both your and her fault.

 

5. 2 weeks after a PERSON gets out of a relationship, dating someone new does not automatically = a rebound. It depends on how ready that PERSON was to get into a new relationship. In your gf's case, she wasn't exactly ready. However, it doesn't mean no one else could be ready at the 2 week mark, in fact, perhaps her BF did not know she was one of those people who was not ready.

 

6. Obviously, you've begun to demonize the boyfriend, but guess what? He probably doesn't know what's going on since she won't let him in. So maybe you should feel bad, because he didn't do anything wrong. In this situation the wrongdoing was on you and on her. no one else.

 

7. Finally, please do know that a good relationship, where you truly really love each other and put each other first instead of your individual selves, does not have to be this complicated.

[vivrantflo]

Underpants... positive thrills of cheating? What are you talking about? When we had sex, we both felt really bad about what we had done. If u read my previous posts, we both agreed that having sex was wrong, and disrespectful to her current relationship with the guy. Her yearning for wanting to see me and be with me would be natural since all we had was each other for the last three years. I have learned from this situation.. but I don't think that I'm being immature because I want my girlfriend back. There is no manipulation, and no "thrills" coming out of this situation. I have no idea where your concept of that came from. When we had sex, it was because we missed each other, not because she was trying to get back at me..since it was me that initiated the NC between us.

 

Alittleconfused

 

I. I agree

 

2. I partially agree, no matter what anyone on here says, I love that girl to death

 

3. In my past posts, I stated that I initiated NC with her, so she may be with her man 100%. She said she wasnt sure which way she wanted to go in the long run, but for now, she wants him. I have been out of her life since then.. last month

 

4. I perpetuated her being dependant on me?? How about, we were just in a relationship for the last 3 years, and we still love each other. You're making me out to be some kinda villain, but whatever..

 

5. The new BF knew.. he told her... "I know I'm a rebound, but I wanna stick around and see how far it goes" so really.. I have little to zero compassion for this dude.

 

6. Like I said, the new BF knew from day one, that she had just got out of a relationship 2 weeks prior to them meeting, but because she's gorgeous, and expressed interest, of course he's gonna go for it. So I have little to zero regard for him

 

7. 100% agree.

 

I appreciate all your feedback..People on here assume that I don't know what I did.. that I'm not aware that I shattered this woman's feelings, and hurt her terribly.. being reminded of that continuously gets aggrevating, but I know it's deserved. I am just a man, that made a conscious, wrong decision, and regrets it terribly. I cant lie to myself, or anyone else, and say that I don't want her back. I'm not an evil person. I'm not vindictive, and im not spiteful. I am hurting cause this is all my fault.. but I dont think I should be belittled because I still love her and want her back. Why can't anyone see that?

[Jinxx]

I appreciate all your feedback..People on here assume that I don't know what I did.. that I'm not aware that I shattered this woman's feelings, and hurt her terribly.. being reminded of that continuously gets aggrevating, but I know it's deserved. I am just a man, that made a conscious, wrong decision, and regrets it terribly. I cant lie to myself, or anyone else, and say that I don't want her back. I'm not an evil person. I'm not vindictive, and im not spiteful. I am hurting cause this is all my fault.. but I dont think I should be belittled because I still love her and want her back. Why can't anyone see that?

 

Women make the same mistakes men do. After reading through the replies I do get it and understand where you are coming from. I think you are genuine in that you do love her and want her back. Who knows.... maybe she'll eventually take you back and you can both work on repairing the damage done. Good luck to you.