Swinging/open marriages?

[CaHopeful]

So, since I am still very new, I'm sorry if this is the wrong forum. My question is I've noticed a few posts mentioning things like swinging and having open marriages....how does that work? Does anyone here participate in that kind of lifestyle now or in the past? If so, how do you keep things "safe" both in the strength of the relationship and std's?

[BabyPhoenix]

...how does that work?

 

If so, how do you keep things "safe" both in the strength of the relationship and std's?

 

In the cities where I have lived and where I currently live, there are private clubs devoted to swinging and those interested in the lifestyle. I am sure if you will find something on google. Otherwise, a lot of them get known through word of mouth. Some clubs don’t even have venues of their own, but rather set a meeting place at a local vanilla club, and the people in the swingers club wear a special private symbol which the others in the club can recognize.

 

In terms of sexually transmitted infections, the same precautions should be taken that would prevent the spread of disease in any other sexual circumstance. Logic prevails here.

 

In terms of keeping things safe in the relationship, the most essential ingredients are trust, of course, and complete lack of jealousy. You cannot possess even the tiniest amount of jealousy towards your spouse or her new lover, or else you marriage will fail. Swinging is a type of sexuality that stems from love in its most pure form, a self-less sort of boundless love not constrained by jealousy or any of the other more corporeal emotional responses.

[JackJack]

Basically its consenting adultry. The only difference is between that and adultry is, concenting is when both parties give the ok for the other to swing/have an open marriage. In alot of cases, not all of course, but alot marriages fail due to the fact one or more parties ends up developing feelings for the other person. I say to each their own and its whatever one wants to do. Also practice safe sex.

[ThumbingMyWay]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110736/

[rainfall]

In terms of keeping things safe in the relationship, the most essential ingredients are trust, of course, and complete lack of jealousy. You cannot possess even the tiniest amount of jealousy towards your spouse or her new lover, or else you marriage will fail. Swinging is a type of sexuality that stems from love in its most pure form, a self-less sort of boundless love not constrained by jealousy or any of the other more corporeal emotional responses.

 

 

What are you thinking? There is no love involved at all if you have to go screw 100s of other people and can't just be happy with your partner. People in a relationship like this are not in love. I think love in its most pure form is one where you do not need other people.

[Mr. Lucky]

I posted this in another thread - I have two married friends that have tried swinging and open marriages. It got messy for both, one couple broke up, the other, after some tough times, went back to monogamy. Just make sure you go in, if that's your choice, with your eyes open...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

When taken in with your previous thread, I have to wonder if you're not just looking for a loophole... a way to ACT single and still have the comfort and financial security of marriage.

 

My suggestion to you would be to spend some time in consideration of your truest priorities. If it turns out that sexual contact with other men is the highest item on your list in order of importance, it might be better to deal with that from a position of honesty. That way, your current husband is free to make other arrangements for himself.

[Romeo Must Die]

On a humorous note. A long time ago I asked my husband about that, just out of curiosity as to what he would think. My husband said he would be way too jealous of me kissing another person, even if it was another girl he couldnt handle it. We have discussed "roleplaying" where I could play the submissive. We both laughed out loud at that.

 

prrowwwww... lol

 

[riobikini]

It takes a rare bird for the swinging lifestyle.

 

I, personally, think it *requires* the loss/lack -or steel supression of- some very important emotions that are essential for a deep, lasting, meaningful, respectful, and loving relationship.

 

At least, one of those traditional components will have to be sacrificed, at some point, in order to be a swinger.

 

I also think it requires a state of *denial* in admitting that you have, indeed, sacrificed something, in order to be involved in the lifestyle.

 

And it's all about getting your fantastical needs met and still getting to keep the "gravy" of your old, comfortable, relationship.

 

Except, with many -it doesn't last for very long.

 

One partner or the other, in time, hits a "bump!" in the road and spills the cart.

 

It's almost *always* *jealousy* that upsets the cart.

 

Jealousy is a human emotion that is as hard to battle with as the deepest, most undying love emotion.

 

The more you want to deny it, rise above it, or avoid it controlling your actions -the more it grows.

 

And no one seems to realize that the very emotion, itself (jealousy), often serves as a signal that there's a serious problem somewhere in the relationship -embedded like a killer computer virus and running rampant with destruction - that needs some serious and immediate attention.

 

If something is wrong with *you*, your partner, or with the basic fundamental essentials of the realtionship- a strong signal always appears.

 

And jealousy makes you sick: it not only has the ability to affect you tremendously in an emotional sense, but it can actually make you physically ill.

 

To me, swinging is simply a very effective way to live in super-denial of any real needs that may be unattended in a relationship, and a miserable way to live with detatched deeper emotions, and promote a kind of disregard, disrespect, and utter de-valuing of yourself -and another human being.

 

In short -the "fun" can't last long without damage.

 

-Rio

[IpAncA]

I asked my husband about it just to see what he would say and he was like "oh yeah, go ahead. I don't mind sharing you with another guy. And while your both at it, don't mind me banging some hot blond chick."

 

Needless to say he's not for it and neither am I.

 

Open marriages are not a good idea. Should have remained as casual daters.

[Krytellan]

What are you thinking? There is no love involved at all if you have to go screw 100s of other people and can't just be happy with your partner. People in a relationship like this are not in love. I think love in its most pure form is one where you do not need other people.

 

Hmm... we should be careful about judging people like this. There is a reason this subculture exists. It provides a service to those who use it. Just because you don't understand that doesn't necessarily make those that practice this any less capable of love.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Krytellan: "...There is a reason this subculture exists. It provides a service to those who use it. Just because you don't understand that ..."

 

It's *not* due to any lack of *understanding* of this so-called "subculture" -quite the *opposite*.

 

It's that we recognize it as damaging to ourselves and refuse to accept it, or allow it into our lives.

 

But to each his own path.

 

-Rio

[tinktronik]

re:

 

 

 

It's *not* due to any lack of *understanding* of this so-called "subculture" -quite the *opposite*.

 

It's that we recognize it as damaging to ourselves and refuse to accept it, or allow it into our lives.

 

But to each his own path.

 

-Rio

Eh' I don't know , Its one thing to know its not for you , but another to claim to know what is right for another person and to claim you know their emotions or what they are or are not capable of.

[riobikini]

Precisely what the above statements have been constructed (with care) to clearly convey.

 

Claiming to know the identical emotions of another is impossible -but judging other's actions or lifestyle for the purpose of comparing them to your *own* personal standards in consideration of adopting those that harmonize (or "fit") in your *own* life (carefully choosing only what is acceptable for you to practice) -or choosing to avoid emulating a particular lifestyle, or choosing not to adopt behavior that doesn't "fit" is simply the right of every individual.

 

In that sense -in *that* context -we do have the individual right to judge.

 

Thought: if we didn't have that right -or the ability to indvidually judge for *ourselves*- we'd be taking on every lifestyle, every trend, every behavior, every thought that came down the pike.

 

Again -to each his *own* path.

 

-Rio

[rainfall]

Hmm... we should be careful about judging people like this. There is a reason this subculture exists. It provides a service to those who use it. Just because you don't understand that doesn't necessarily make those that practice this any less capable of love.

 

I understand their lifestyle. They want a secure relationship with all the free sex they can handle on the side. The want a partner there for them for bills and the daily struggles of life but they don't want to be committed to only one person.

 

However my comment was mostly directed to the person who said swingers love is pure. Which no matter how I look at it I can not see that.

[amerikajin]

What are you thinking? There is no love involved at all if you have to go screw 100s of other people and can't just be happy with your partner. People in a relationship like this are not in love. I think love in its most pure form is one where you do not need other people.

 

Ahhhh, shaddup!!!!

 

Nobody wants to read your rants and lectures! If swinging bothers you, don't do it.

[BabyPhoenix]

I understand their lifestyle.

 

No, you don't at all, as evidenced by all the following statements:

 

What are you thinking? There is no love involved at all if you have to go screw 100s of other people and can't just be happy with your partner. People in a relationship like this are not in love. I think love in its most pure form is one where you do not need other people.

 

This just shows that you really have absolutely no understanding of the lifestyle or what it entails. Also, please do not presume that you are the Most Moral and High Authority on love and what defines love, and can therefore presume to know that such a couple involved in the lifestyle are not in fact “in” love.

 

They want a secure relationship with all the free sex they can handle on the side. The want a partner there for them for bills and the daily struggles of life but they don't want to be committed to only one person.

 

Incorrect again. People who participate in the lifestyle are generally in committed relationships, with one person.

 

However my comment was mostly directed to the person who said swingers love is pure. Which no matter how I look at it I can not see that.

 

And that is fine. You are most welcome to your opinions on love within the context of your own life. However, please try to refrain from judging others, as difficult as this evidently is for you, especially when you clearly have no understanding of the context.

[IWalkAlone]

As a single guy, my frustration is that most of the women I seem to "connect" well with and find attractive are married or in serious reationships. The marraige forum here is filled with threads from married man and women complaining that their spouse has little or no interest in sex and they do. Then there's the infidelity and jealously forums and all the drama that happens there...

 

Sometimes I think that if polyamory were the norm, and if people were free to have sex outside of relationships (or not) the same way we might also play tennis with someone we're not married to... and if everyone met their reposnsibilties to their primary partners and were mature enough not to have jealiously issues (and used condoms), then maybe life would be happier for married & single people alike.

[Salicious Crumb]

So, since I am still very new, I'm sorry if this is the wrong forum. My question is I've noticed a few posts mentioning things like swinging and having open marriages....how does that work? Does anyone here participate in that kind of lifestyle now or in the past? If so, how do you keep things "safe" both in the strength of the relationship and std's?

 

Here is a better question...why in the hell get married if you don't want to honor wedding vows?

[Salicious Crumb]

Incorrect again. People who participate in the lifestyle are generally in committed relationships, with one person..

 

Committed relationships with one person?...yet screwing other people?...ya...that makes alot of sense.

 

If you are messing around with other people, it is NOT a committed relationship.

[riobikini]

re:

 

IWalkAlone: "...if polyamory were the norm... if people were free to have sex outside of relationships.... if everyone met their reposnsibilties to their primary partners ....were mature enough not to have jealiously issues... used condoms....maybe life would be happier for.. people..."

 

Polygamous relationships do exist.

 

Some say, in a state of harmony and happiness -even "grace" is mentioned.

 

And others say it's the ancient human male instinct and the culprit retro genes that he should have evolved past, and moved far beyond, by now- but, instead, keeps showing up, in regards to having the desire for more than one female in his "pack" or "harem"(?).

 

(I swear! -I have to stifle a smile, here!)

 

(Smile) -oops! -didn't quite make it in time.

 

This is the favorite, expected cop-out excuse used by modern day wanna-be "harem Lords", and those who advocate adultery and all manner of marital infidelities, and which supporters of a nearly commitment-free fantasy "new world" of sexual freedom often jump on to promote their "cause" (i.e. their lifestyle).

 

They distort the needs of past members of culture/societies and use only specific facts from our evolution history to pad their niche and build their platform from which to spout all kinds of comments that sound so acceptable (at first) -and which you have to be *really* careful not to walk away contaminated.

 

Without waivering, to me, -that kind of thinking and practice actually mocks the the whole concept of deeper, meaningful relationships, and destroys the sanctity and idealism of an exclusive, one-to-one loving partnership.

 

As far as folk's freedom to sleep with whomever they like?

 

Everyone has that freedom.

 

People are free to have sex outside their primary relationships -the only consequences are those imposed by any inability of one or the other partner to *continue* doing it without damage to their relationship.

 

And about this fundamentally contradictory thought: " ...if everyone met their reposnsibilties to their primary partners..."

 

I get it -you love them differently than if you loved them exclusively, if you choose to sleep with others.

 

Indeed, you *do* become a different kind of bird with how -and with what strength, and to what depth, and on what level, and from which perspective- you love.

 

I believe that the term "responsibility" is *not only* about validating someone's feelings, reassuring them emotionally, protecting them, and providing for them- it involves so much more- mostly, it involves truly, genuinely, loving them.

 

Enough to do all you can to secure/protect/promote every aspect of their well-being.

 

"... if they were mature enough not to have jealiously issues..." Read what has already been posted regarding jealousy.

 

"...maybe life would be happier for.. people..."

 

It may be a split decision -but- do those who live as swingers or individuals with a revolving door of multiple partners *really* appear to anyone as having the world by the tail, so to speak?

 

-Rio

[rainfall]

 

 

This just shows that you really have absolutely no understanding of the lifestyle or what it entails. Also, please do not presume that you are the Most Moral and High Authority on love and what defines love, and can therefore presume to know that such a couple involved in the lifestyle are not in fact “in” love.

 

 

 

Incorrect again. People who participate in the lifestyle are generally in committed relationships, with one person.

 

 

How can it be a committed relationship when they sleep with other people? I do not presume I am the most moral person or the highest authority on love. However I just think if people want to sleep with a bunch of people they should not try to say they have the most pure love of anyone out there because they sleep with anyone they want and let their partner do the same.

[blind_otter]

I have a question. I doubt it will get answered, but I'll ask anyways.

 

what is the point of getting married if you want to swing?

[Salicious Crumb]

I have a question. I doubt it will get answered, but I'll ask anyways.

 

what is the point of getting married if you want to swing?

 

for spousal coverage on one's company health plan.

[amerikajin]

Morality is rarely absolute. In most situations, it comes down to knowing your own standards of behavior and being able to live with the consequences of what you do.

 

There is nothing inherently wrong with swinging provided that the other person in the relationship is made completely aware of his/her conduct. Does that mean that swinging is without risk? Of course not - there are indeed risks associated with swinging. But then again, assuming that one or both partners may find themselves sexually unfulfilled, and given that the alternatives are: a) living in a state of perpetual frustration, which in time will lead to resentment; b) cheating but staying married; or c) getting a divorce. That's assuming that they've tried counseling and have had tried in earnest to salvage that aspect of their relationship. If all else fails, swinging might be a practical way to save the marriage. It wouldn't necessarily be my idea - or most people's idea for that matter - of how to deal with their marital problems, but then again - we aren't the ones in their relationship, are we? I mean, which is worse: an open relationship where both people are in agreement, or a sexless marriage in which both people are frustrated and embittered?