NoIDidn't Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 OOD That's a red flag for me. The not using the computer at home since you have the keylogger. My H did that for a spell, a few months, but not 2 years. If it has been 2 years since he used the home computer, that is. He may or may not still be in the A, but his not telling the truth about his whereabouts is troublesome. But I am sure you are already feeling that way, hence this thread. Do he and OW have unfinished business? Were their finances tied up together in anything? Is that condo complex that you found new or newly developed (in the last 2 years or so)? You should be able to do a real estate assessment lookup if you are in the states and it will tell you exactly who lives there. Not their phone number or anything, but definitely their first and last names. You could find this out on the City Municipal pages for citizens and check real estate assessments. Every city just about does it in the states. Just asking questions so that we might be able to give you better, more appropriate, advice on how to handle this. If that is what you want. I don't mean to come off like I am trying to pry into your business. Be careful with that keylogger. He may be checking that occasionally himself. Link to post Share on other sites
BUTAFLY Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 OOD, I didn't get a pissed off vibe from Butafly. I think that all of this is really having it's toll on you and wearing you down mentally. I really hope you are taking care of yourself. I suppose the question posed is, if he is cheating, what are you going to do about it? (If you are going to do something about it) I'll tell you one thing, you've already survived his other infidelities so this will be no different. You are a stronger woman now and nothing can beat you down, not even his stupidity. Best of blessings, dear. ...explaining my post. I wasn't PO'd in anyway, shape or form. I just suggested the other fourm because you are suspecting infidelity and I figure the infidelity room will have people in your same position. Just trying to help. Your more than welcome to pose you concerns here or in the water cooler fourm too...those guys always have good answers:p. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Hey outofthedarkness.... Where do you go from here? If he is a repeat offender, what then? What a messed up situation....my heart and prayers go out to you.... ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 He has used the home computer only a few time since D day. For a long time, I would not allow it. I even removed it from our home for the first few months after. After he found out that I had keylogger on it; spectorsoft, he stopped and now only uses it on occasion to print out his boarding passes for travel if he leaves on a Sunday...Another pet peeve of mine...He is VERY careful since finding out that I can see everything anyone does on this comp...As far as him having access to the program, no way, I change the key combo and password every day...As far as he and OW having unfinished business...I don't know. I find it hard to believe that he had a 10 year A with someone and didn't spend any money in any way shape or form. He still denies it to this day. I suspect that he was paying the mortgage and assoc fees, since I found two court hearings in her name for not paying assoc fees back in 04, which is when the A ended...I am currently waiting on a manual courthouse check to get more info on this, as the bkground chk only shows minimal info...Every penny that he makes now goes directly through me. I see all paychecks, including bonuses, I pay all bills, and I deal directly with our broker and banker. If he has any access to funds, I don't know about it...This too, is a possibility..I know.. As far as how far away he will be traveling for V day...his usual distance...It is for a class that he was suppose to have attended a couple of weeks ago when our son had to be hospitalized again..He flew all the way there and then flew back when he felt guilty...Now, he's rescheduled it...He says he has to leave on Sunday so that he can begin class early Mond. morn. I have seen the sched. for these types of classes before, so this is a possibility, but does that really make a difference? Who ELSE is attending the class? I HATE Sunday travel, he knows this and it's somehow crept back into his schedule. Re: The GPS phone. Our service offers a family tracker service..I made him sign up for it. I couldn't do it since it's in his name. I have now changed the pwrd, so that only I know when the checks will take place. I can sched. reg. checks at certain times, or I can randomly check...The thing is that every time I run one, he gets a text...I can't change that. Also, unfortunately, the signal can bounce around and show a location that is accurate but not HIGHLY accurate. This can be confusing b/c I can't always see exactly where he is. It does give the option of putting in as many landmarks as I want, plus it shows breadcrumbs and historical locals...I can also see texts that he's sent and received. Thing is, he has had this cell # since WAY before D day. He might have another phone or calling card...He knows I will always check the bills, etc. I tried and tried and tried to get him to get a new service w/ a new # right after D day, with no such luck..I even hid it one day and told him I guessed our fiesty dog got it, but he totally freaked and went THAT morning; he was headed out of town, and BOUGHT a new one! Re: Co workers..The type of position that he holds is high one, but one in which he can work from almost anywhere. There is an office here, but he spends little time there...He does have an assistant but she is in another state. I do not know anyone that he works with. A few here in town that we've known for years, but the people he works closest to, I have never met. We were headed there for the Xmas party last month, and our son got sick again. He has been there over 5 years, and I have never met his collegues. I do know that they were aware that we were separated, and I suspect that even before D day, he told them that we were, since I found a picture of another W at his office, and NO pictures of myself or our children. When I asked him about it, he said it was a collegue and her H had taken that pic of the two of them during their annual conference...in Aspen. When I asked if I could attend; this was in 03, he said we could not afford a ticket since a certain airline does not fly there...The next time I went to his office, some time later, the picture was gone...When I asked where it was, he said he just thought it was not appropriate given D day and all...Soo, no there is noone I can ask about his whereabouts. I remember calling a few years back; before D day to wish him a happy B day...He was out of town, so I called the main office in another state, and they acted like I was crazy when I told them where I thought he was...I do get iteneraries now, as this was one of the first things I requested. I can call him to check to see if he's where he is suppose to be, but I'm not there to see who he's with, etc...One time, last summer, I called him late to report something to do with our daughter, and he acted wierd...He thought I'd hung up, but I hesitated for minute and swore that I heard a woman sort of squeal..He said it was the TV and he thought I'd hung up. It was a gut wrenching feeling. This was just last summer. Re: receipts, etc...I do not allow him to take more then $20 out of our accounts when he travels now since everything is expensed. I now require all expense reports and copies of receipts that he submits for reimb...I take the check and pay the comp. cr card bill...If he's buying stuff now, he has something I don't know about...As I said earlier, a very real possibility. He has told me many times when he gets mad that I am supsicious, that I am wasting my energy and need to trust him at least some, because if a person REALLY wants to cheat, they will find a way...He ought to know! Re: what will I do if he IS cheating again. I will first give him the opportunity to leave, and if he wants to stay, I will require him to go to inpatient treatment, since he admitted to being an addict or serial cheater. He says it's not about feelings, it's about the "thrill of the chase"...Re: Do I suspect cheating? Yes, from time to time, but I am still hopeful that he is telling me the truth and I won't be made a fool of again...We have so much at stake right now...most of all a very sick child...I don't mean to imply that we chose to stay together for the kids, that's not true. He begged, pleaded and went to MC and still going to IC...He tried and I guess is still trying. I think it's a compulsion, and I don't think he can control it. And...I think I feed it with my invest...etc...Just trying to be honest w/ myself. I better run, hope I've covered everything. Look forward to more feedback. Thanks so very much... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Please don't take offence to this....I did the same thing after my ex cheated on me....I turned into his keeper...mommy so to speak....what a horrible life tracking someone... Personally I'd let your H be and put all effort available on your son.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 no, i don't take it the wrong way. I just don't want to be the ostrich with it's head in the sand again. I do spend most of my time trying to be with and help our son. That is my main focus right now. The other stuff is just always there...It'a much better then it was, but when something comes up, or a suddenly get a revelation, such as V day being a big cheat day, then I did and watch and listen...I have to..I made the decision to stay with him...Everyone always has a choice. They may not be GREATchoices, but they are there. There might come a time when I realize that things just might not be working and I don't want to or can't spend my life playing detective. I ahve not come to this point yet., but I AM staying alert, keeping my eyes and ear open and trying to take care of our children...I am a MUCH stonger person then I was 2 years ago! I have come a LONG way baby! Please keep the advice coming. I am thinking deeply about things and listening very carefully to everyone's advice and thinking twice about all of the questions. Some are questions that I've asked myself over and over and always talked myself out of the clear answer...Some are new and need to be pondered...Thanks from the bottom of my heart. Speaking of V day coming up, I believe that it's about helping people realize how much they should love themselves, and showing those that we already love, how much we DO love them. Thanks for helping things come into perspective for me. Keep it coming, it's really helping me! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Now, he has informed me that he has something scheduled for the 12th and 13th of Feb...I also read to be leery for the days just before and prior to V day Watch to see what his reaction is and say this "If I can make the arrangements for someone to look after the kids, why don't I join you on your trip? Might be a nice time for us to be alone together." Link to post Share on other sites
Jane Doe Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Outofdarkness, I wish I could give you a big hug. Reading your thread up the board a little ways, it made me realize what hell you must live in daily. You have a full time job just keeping up with your husband. Is he really worth all of that? Your stress level must be through the roof. You may have to come to a point where you realize he's an addict who'll never change and set yourself free from all of this. You deserve so much better. My heart goes out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I just had a brainstorm. Most travel iteneraries are made through a travel agent. Get ahold of his itenerary and call the travel agency and check on the details of his travel arrangements. Will there be another "employee" accompanying him on this trip? A female perhaps? You could always think of a clever excuse to ask the travel agent, posing as his secretary, who is calling to request his confirmation iteneraries due to a possible change in his travel plans, and would they be so kind to have them faxed to you immediately? Link to post Share on other sites
BedRoomVoice Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Is this a thread about how to trap a OW? OMG Can she track me down? What do I do if she does? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I have a total different opinion on this. I think you need to be completely honest with your H about what you know and how you feel. You are asking him for honesty and you need to do your part in telling the truth. He should understand that you feel insecure about your marriage based on his past affair. He should be able to answer your questions and ease your concerns quickly and directly. If he is evasive, then you have your answer. There is no need to prolong this and add more stress to an already difficult situation. End the game now. Confront him and get answers. If you don't get answers from him, make it clear that you will not put up with it. After all you have been through, he owes it to you and you owe it to yourself to know the truth. Either he is cheating or there is an explanation. Give him the chance to prove to you that he is worthy of your love. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Is this a thread about how to trap a OW? OMG Can she track me down? What do I do if she does? LOL, Scream and Run Away? Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Don't scream. Just run as fast as you can. Go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 LMAO Link to post Share on other sites
BedRoomVoice Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 That isnt very funny. I read somewhere that cheating is illegal. Can I go to jail. Can she do anything to me? I am really scared. And you people are making a joke out of this. I should call him and tell him. What can happen Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 That isnt very funny. I read somewhere that cheating is illegal. Can I go to jail. Can she do anything to me? I am really scared. And you people are making a joke out of this. I should call him and tell him. What can happen What state are you in? The wife can SUE you for alienation of affection. Link to post Share on other sites
NearlyThere Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 but can anyone else here clippity cloppity noises on the bridge???? Link to post Share on other sites
BedRoomVoice Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I am in VA. What is alienation of affection? I dont understand What state are you in? The wife can SUE you for alienation of affection. Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 but can anyone else here clippity cloppity noises on the bridge???? I can hear them. They're on there way back from yawnville. RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I am in VA. What is alienation of affection? I dont understand do a google search. Should be enlightening. Link to post Share on other sites
BedRoomVoice Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I will thank you. Should I seek a lawyer and get a professional opinion? do a google search. Should be enlightening. Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I will thank you. Should I seek a lawyer and get a professional opinion? If you need assistance with the google search, let us know. Link to post Share on other sites
BedRoomVoice Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 your a mean person. I have been warned about you. Why dont you go google. yourself If you need assistance with the google search, let us know. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 That isnt very funny. I read somewhere that cheating is illegal. Can I go to jail. Can she do anything to me? I am really scared. And you people are making a joke out of this. I should call him and tell him. What can happen I don't want to stray off topic, but here are some things you seriously need to worry about... 1. In some states adultery is illegal. But it is rare that anyone is prosecuted. 2. If he cheats on his wife with you, then he will cheat on you. 3. If he is straying from his wife, he can stray from you. Both of you...the wife and you...can catch STDs. 4. Some wives go ballistic when they discover an affair. This has caused much turmoil in the OW's life. And when the MM breaks up with the OW, many times she has gone ballistic. 5. Many families break up because of affairs. This causes great hurt for the children. 6. Although many marriages are already hurting before the affair, when a third party enters the picture, reconciliation becomes much more difficult...and many times impossible. Yet these same marriages could have been saved if both parties had directed their energy to one another. 7. Most men and women who cheat also lie about other things. Their level of trust is low. I am sure there are many other things to be concerned about, but being thrown in jail is not high on the list. BTW, none of these statements were intended to hurt. Rather these statements are simply answers to your question. Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 your a mean person. I have been warned about you. Why dont you go google. yourself Does the midget get to stay and watch kathleen google herself? Link to post Share on other sites
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