Author outofdarkness Posted April 27, 2007 Author Share Posted April 27, 2007 OOD, you have been going through this for too long. But you haven't reached your limit yet and until you do, you will take his crap. Who cares why he's having an affair? It is time for you to make a life for yourself. Divorcing him is the only responsible decision that you can make. It is a responsible decision for you to make on behalf of yourself and your children. Do you hear what I'm saying? Be a responsible mother to your children and adult to yourself and make the only responsible decision left to make. I promise you...your entire life will be better once you make that decision. Your life can only change for the better once he is out of the picture. But it will steadily get worse with him in it. Even if the predicament of your children remain the same, you will be better able to handle it without the stress of him. You've been understanding. You've been patient. You sincerely tried. And you've sacrificed yourself in the process. Now pick yourself up and let it go. (I know because I finally decided to divorce my husband after he promised a D-Day and didn't deliver for the 6th time. I'm picking up the papers on Monday and filing in two weeks. We have three small children. I'm tired of making excuses for him while he hurts me. I've reached my limit...and you will too.) ok...mabey I will...I was really trying to update Gel and others with whom I had posted about a possible trip to phoenix. I wanted them to know that I wasn't going. Guess I should have pm'd..I didn't post today about anything whiny or depressing...except the kids being sick..one is well, the other isn't..But it's just a PART of why I'm still here...Thanks for the input.. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 ok Frannie...what's the point? That you think it's insane that I'm still w/ my H?? Mabey I need you to elaborate a bit... Sorry, my post was a brief one and I don't get back here all that often these days. My feeling/point is... and i have no proof or whatever of this, just my gut feeling and what I know of what has happened in your life and in mine. My relationship with MM is something of the future... he says he is staying because he wants to see his children grow up... after that he has no desire to be with her (W)... and your H... seems (to my eyes) to be staying with you for just that reason. His children... and when they're grown.. what will happen..? ... do you have enough of a relationship with him now that you can be sure he will be there for you after some date or other..? I'm not saying I have any such guarantee ... but do you have it..? Because I feel that my MM loves me, and we have great times together... do you and your H..? Or is he just waiting til the children are old enough..? I don't know if that is useful or helpful but it's not meant to hurt .. just to make you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted April 29, 2007 Author Share Posted April 29, 2007 Sorry, my post was a brief one and I don't get back here all that often these days. My feeling/point is... and i have no proof or whatever of this, just my gut feeling and what I know of what has happened in your life and in mine. My relationship with MM is something of the future... he says he is staying because he wants to see his children grow up... after that he has no desire to be with her (W)... and your H... seems (to my eyes) to be staying with you for just that reason. His children... and when they're grown.. what will happen..? ... do you have enough of a relationship with him now that you can be sure he will be there for you after some date or other..? I'm not saying I have any such guarantee ... but do you have it..? Because I feel that my MM loves me, and we have great times together... do you and your H..? Or is he just waiting til the children are old enough..? I don't know if that is useful or helpful but it's not meant to hurt .. just to make you think. ok..thanks, I'll think about it...not in the mood to post much tonight...tired.but thanks for the post. Link to post Share on other sites
dignityback Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 oh... I'm still where I am, but at least I'm with a man who is cheating to be with me... and who is intending to leave at some point down the line if I'm still interested etc... I thought that if he was cheating to be with me, it meant that he really loved me, otherwise why would he do it? My xmm lives in the same town as me. But then I woke up and smelt the coffee. I now realise that he cheated for HIMSELF and was utterly selfish. He cheated because I made it easy for him, and then the penny dropped. He wasn't in love with me or he wouldn't casually bid me "fare-well" and be climbing into bed with his wife, in the time it took to wash his bodily odours off me and wash up the two wine glasses! The quote in bold demonstrates I think (and I am not bashing you and I am not a BS) just how little you think of yourself and that is very sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 Dignityback I agree. I cannot believe tha an OW would write something so pathetic. So her mm thinks enough of her to cheat to be with her.WOW pat on the back. They all bloody cheat to see the OW!! When is she going to realise he only thinks about himself. I hope I value myself more than this--to be grateful that I am going out with a cheater. I think she needs therapy as she obviously has issues about her own self worth and is destined to become very bitter and "alone" if she stays in the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted May 15, 2007 Author Share Posted May 15, 2007 Hi everyone, I have a cell phone related question...Yes, I know I need to leave, no, there my reasons are probably not good enough and yes, I'm sure some of you have had enough. BUT for those who haven't and want to help..Here goes. My H told me right before bed tonight that he was going to step outside for a moment, which generally means have a cig, and then he'd be in to bed. For some reason, I don't know why, I decided to look outside to see if he was there. I looked out back, no H, I walked around to the front of the house, no sign of H and all was dark. I went back inside, still no H., so I went back out the front door and there he was by his car smoking a cig...I asked him if he had been on the phone, and he sheepishly said he had checked his work voice mail b/c he had left the office early..I looked at him like, do you think I'm crazy? He dialed it so I could check it...some numbers, then some more numbers, then he lets me listen to it..There were just a few business calls on it...and history said he had dialed his voice mail. Sooo...Am I crazy to be suspicious? He is leaving town tomorrow and seems in an especially good mood. Was he "checking in" w/ an OW? Checking work e mail at 10 at night b/c he left work alittle early seems fishy to me..Your thoughts?? All OP's are welcome as long as you all can keep it respectful and supportive..Thanks for taking the time to read this... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 15, 2007 Share Posted May 15, 2007 I think you need to tell him that you're really having trouble trusting him because how he is acting around you, sneaking off to check emails, is starting to really make you more and more suspicious. Tell him it is killing you that you think he's cheating on you again. In all honesty - This can't go on much longer! You're gonna drive yourself nuts. Don't want to see you do the crash and burn while he's sitting there lying to you, pretending he all is fine and dandy. You aren't crazy at all, but the situation itself will drive you to be if this doesn't get dealt with once and for all. I know the timing sucks with everything else going on. Anyway, I have faith that when the time is right, things will happen they way they should. Hope you know what I mean by that.... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted May 15, 2007 Share Posted May 15, 2007 OOD Relax girl. My H is off this week and he just finished checking his email and phone messages about 40 minutes ago. Some people DO do that. I know where you are coming from, but maybe you are suspecting the wrong things. He may be glad to be getting away from home, no offense. I love my family, but I am ALWAYS in a good mood to be going away for a few days. ALWAYS. You know, my dad WAS a serial cheater. I say 'was' because one day, he just up and stopped. He found religion. He found something else to get his ego strokes from. The man can tell you WHAT PAGE a bible verse is on nowadays. I say all that to segue to the fact that just maybe he is not cheating, per se. Maybe his new A is with something legit like his job, as he travels alot. But relax. I think you were feeling anxious because he is going on a trip soon, and these trips trigger your suspicions. Triggers suck. They feel like the real deal. You are going to be okay no matter what he does. OKay? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 15, 2007 Share Posted May 15, 2007 I am not really that "techie"...on my phone I can delete numbers that are in my history (dialed, missed, received)...however, couple that with the time of the call... Ok, the suspicious part of me says that he may of called OW and then deleted the call and called v/m afterwards... But could be nothing...if you're suspicious though, there's probably something to it...check the phone records for a call at that time...(this could take perseverance, it might take awhile for the bill)... And you're not crazy to be suspicious after all he's put you through... Sorry I can't be of more help...GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted May 15, 2007 Author Share Posted May 15, 2007 I think you need to tell him that you're really having trouble trusting him because how he is acting around you, sneaking off to check emails, is starting to really make you more and more suspicious. Tell him it is killing you that you think he's cheating on you again. In all honesty - This can't go on much longer! You're gonna drive yourself nuts. Don't want to see you do the crash and burn while he's sitting there lying to you, pretending he all is fine and dandy. You aren't crazy at all, but the situation itself will drive you to be if this doesn't get dealt with once and for all. I know the timing sucks with everything else going on. Anyway, I have faith that when the time is right, things will happen they way they should. Hope you know what I mean by that.... Good points.Thanks for the insight. Yes, I am having much trouble trusting him and yes, his travel is huge trigger for me...BUT I've always been advised on LS to trust my gut...SOMETHING made me go out to see what was up tonight when he said he was stepping out...Perhaps it's b/c he is usually gone somewhere every night if only for a short time..Usually the coffee place we have discussed on here or the dog park..Today after he got home, I arrived shortly after, and he was in the process of taking the dog's collars off so he could leave for the dog park...He asked me if I would like to go..Usually, the answer would be no b/c I'm catching up at the end of the day, but today, I said yes, and on the way home, I asked if he wanted to go out to dinner. So...we went straight to dog park, home to drop dogs off and then to dinner...no time for him to contact whomever he's been contacting at a certain time each day/night...If this is occurring. The pieces just seemed to neatly fit together today..Not that I was intentionally setting it up b/c I really wasn't thinking about it, it just happened in succession as I said..It was weird.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted May 15, 2007 Author Share Posted May 15, 2007 I am not really that "techie"...on my phone I can delete numbers that are in my history (dialed, missed, received)...however, couple that with the time of the call... Ok, the suspicious part of me says that he may of called OW and then deleted the call and called v/m afterwards... But could be nothing...if you're suspicious though, there's probably something to it...check the phone records for a call at that time...(this could take perseverance, it might take awhile for the bill)... And you're not crazy to be suspicious after all he's put you through... Sorry I can't be of more help...GEL ok gel..I'm looking at his cell right now..he's asleep. He checked his v mail at 9:21 and again at 9:27 then redialed when I came out...What does THAT tell you? There's definitely something up.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted May 15, 2007 Author Share Posted May 15, 2007 I think you need to tell him that you're really having trouble trusting him because how he is acting around you, sneaking off to check emails, is starting to really make you more and more suspicious. Tell him it is killing you that you think he's cheating on you again. In all honesty - This can't go on much longer! You're gonna drive yourself nuts. Don't want to see you do the crash and burn while he's sitting there lying to you, pretending he all is fine and dandy. You aren't crazy at all, but the situation itself will drive you to be if this doesn't get dealt with once and for all. I know the timing sucks with everything else going on. Anyway, I have faith that when the time is right, things will happen they way they should. Hope you know what I mean by that.... Yup, I've told him how much trouble I'm having trusting him to no avail...He gets defensive and angry...Like he would have thought things would have simmered down by now..It will be three years this summer since D day...Well, I am still suspicious..no, I don't like living my life like this, but need advice about whether or not I'm overly suspicious and paranoid or you all really think these things seem fishy... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 15, 2007 Share Posted May 15, 2007 or he is screwing with your head.. he is in there sleeping away and you are going thru his phone.. Sounds to me that he is screwing with you some.. He knows you are going to look at his phone.. he knows this because of your past together and all the gps stuff.. He also knows this becuase you came out and looked at his phone outside.. I'm not saying he isn't cheating on you or wasn't caller her.. I'm saying he is pulling your chain and you are letting him.. Look who is sleeping right now ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted May 15, 2007 Author Share Posted May 15, 2007 or he is screwing with your head.. he is in there sleeping away and you are going thru his phone.. Sounds to me that he is screwing with you some.. He knows you are going to look at his phone.. he knows this because of your past together and all the gps stuff.. He also knows this becuase you came out and looked at his phone outside.. I'm not saying he isn't cheating on you or wasn't caller her.. I'm saying he is pulling your chain and you are letting him.. Look who is sleeping right now ? good point, although I don't think just from knowing his M.O. that this is the way he operates.... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 15, 2007 Share Posted May 15, 2007 you would gain ALOT of info you need from his cell bill.... FIND A WAY TO GET A COPY! he's screwin you over - it's obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofdarkness Posted May 15, 2007 Author Share Posted May 15, 2007 you would gain ALOT of info you need from his cell bill.... FIND A WAY TO GET A COPY! he's screwin you over - it's obvious. Hey...I have full access to all cell phone statements..I pay all of the bills and have hard copies as well as online access. Is there something I should be looking for that I've missed..I poor over these w/ a find tooth comb..What should I be looking for? The one minute calls all in succession? I've heard this is a sign..Yep, these are there. The call voice mail and incoming call right after, yep these are there too, although our carrier does NOT show incoming call detail...Let me know your thoughts and thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 15, 2007 Share Posted May 15, 2007 does your bill show text messaging? look closer - he's got something going that you are not seeing right now.... put one of those voice activated recorders in his car that look like a pen or a lighter (he smokes). hang tough. i know it's not easy! been there - done that... you are NOT crazy - his actions and attitude = guilty without remorse... which spells nothin but you being screwed. ((((( hugs)))))) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 although our carrier does NOT show incoming call detail... Then call them and ask them to make it show incoming call details, and if they don't, change carriers. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 Then call them and ask them to make it show incoming call details, and if they don't, change carriers. WWIU - he probably has a back up cell phone that he hides - one of those pay as you go kind of phones... so she can't see who he's calling... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 That's possible. If he is doing that, he's a complete idiot to go through THIS MUCH LYING and SNEAKING AROUND. I guess I don't understand why he'd do this again, knowing how suspicious OOD is. He can see what he is doing to her, so why the F would he be doing this to her?? Just blows my mind! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 He is messing with her head.. You won't find any trails.. he has covered them up .. I'm doing role reversal here.. Your husband is getting off on pulling your chain... He figures WTF.. I'm cheating on her and she won't leave me alone so guess what.. she is gonna go thru tons of extra labor figuring this out.. Role reversal ... You need to use another method of trying to catch him because this one isn't going to reap anything but you being driven up the wall Hire a PI.. Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 I have admitted on this forum before that my current husband and I got together while we were both still married. (I will add that both of us were at the ends of our respective ropes and ready to leave, he moved out within 6 weeks and I moved out -into my own separate home - as soon as the school year was over). In any case, there was a period of "sneaking around". We both decided to not add insult to injury by letting our respective spouses know we were seeing each other. So, during those 6 weeks he lived with his then wife, he would call me while running out to get milk or sneak into the basement. For my part, I was very reluctant to take chances and called while my exhusband was out, but I do recall making a few calls while smoking outside. So, OOD, I think you have reason to worry. Especially since a person who wanted to check work calls would likely do it inside, wherea pen and notepad are handy, not outside in the dark. Perhaps evading you has become a game? Part of the thrill of the affair? In any case, you spend so much of your emotional energy jumping at these shadows (real) or ghosts (imagined) that I too believe you need to hire a PI to satisfy yourself once and for all. I know that in the past you have said that you feel afraid of what may be learned, but you are in such a tortured limbo now that it seems to me that you will never be able to move beyond this until you have certainty. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 WWIU - he probably has a back up cell phone that he hides - one of those pay as you go kind of phones... so she can't see who he's calling... This what I am thinking too...a prepaid cell phone...that he may hide in the car? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 ok gel..I'm looking at his cell right now..he's asleep. He checked his v mail at 9:21 and again at 9:27 then redialed when I came out...What does THAT tell you? There's definitely something up.. Ok, I'm not sure about this BUT it may be phone tag between him and someone...like someone called and left a message and he called them back and got their voicemail etc...and they kept missing each other... I don't want to make you anxious, but it does sound fishy...the poster who said that if he was calling work, he would do so in the house, had a pretty good point...Sorry you're pulled in so many directions... (((HUGS))) Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 OOD, if you can find one, hire a good PI. It's what I did and he was worth every penny. Link to post Share on other sites
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