Well it finally happened...

[Citizen Erased]

My mothers partner attacked her. It has been coming for along LONG time now. She just didn't have the strength to leave before it happened.

 

Background, my mother had an affair with W whilst still married to my father. They divorced and my mother moved in with W. They have been together for 6 years. He has had a serious drinking problem for about 15 years. I lived with them for 2 years after my parents divorced but had to leave because he was becoming abusive towards me and my little brother (who came over ever 2nd weekend). The only thing I believe which stopped him from physically abusing me was that my father would have KILLED him if he ever lay a finger on me.

 

So it became too much and I left. I have had a very strained relationship with my mother in the past few years because of her refusal to help me, she tried to make me stay there through that hell we lived in but I refused and left.

 

Anyway just before Christmas W was in a car crash (whilst on a good behaviour bond from a previous crash 6 months before). He was six times over the legal limit. In other words, he had a bit of blood in his alcohol system. He passed out at the wheel and took out a hell of a lot of fence. If he had have swerved to the other side he would have died. Something which is preferable to me. He is facing 2-3 years in jail. He checked himself into rehab to make it look as if he is working out his problem. 2 days after he left he started drinking again.

 

So, my mother confronted him about the drinking, he withdrew $5,000 of their savings (which was in fact hers because the only thing he spent money on was half of the mortgage and alcohol, my mother paid for the phone, internet, food etc.) to go on a bender. Apparently he has also now attached himself to gambling. So that money is gone. Anyway, he blamed everyhing on her (including his drinking, him being suspended from his work as a teacher for assualting a couple of the children and turning up to work drunk) and then attacked her, trning end tables up, the lounge, threw things at her and then beat her up against the wall and lounge. She only managed to fight him off with not too many injuries to herself because he was so drunk, otherwise she may no longer be alive.

 

He left, went into hiding and the police are after him. One of my friends is staying there to make sure that he wont break in and attack her again. I jut dont know what to do. I kind of feel guilty cos I feel that if I was still living there this may have happened, and am horrified that it may have been worse because he may have gone for me as well. I am still hurt by my mother's refusal to protect me, to treat me as a mother would. Yet I am trying to be there for her. She is trying to act as if everything is normal but she will crack one day and I am afraid she will take him back. I get the feeling this is NOT the first time he has hit her, she used to have some bruises on her arms and legs but she works in child care so she could have had them from anywhere so I dont know.

 

I hated him before this but now I am furious.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry you're going through this Coco.

 

It's not your fault this happened to her at all. If you were there it could have been both of you.

 

Unfortunately she's made a choice. If she keeps choosing to be with him there is nothing you can do about that. Hopefully she'll realize he's a loser and he's bringing her down, but if she doesn't see it that way nothing you say to her will change her mind.

 

Hugs to you. You're a good daughter to your mom.

[dropdeadlegs]

Your story is a bit similar to a Lifetime movie I watched. The daughters saw it coming, but the mother kept allowing the abusive man into her home and life. The movie did not end well, but it was not the daughters fault!

 

It is very hard to deal with an abusive person. They threaten you and your loved ones so you stay. This from your mother's point of view. I am fortunate enough to have never been in a physically abusive situation.

 

Your mother is incapable of protecting herself, much less you and your brother. Think of that as an illness, because it is a mental illness. Since she is ill you might have more capacity for forgiveness. Her life is normal for her. I don't understand any better than you do, but it's normal for her.

 

Try to talk some sense into her while he is in hiding. It might not work, but if she could seek some kind of counseling, even just a little bit, she may become stronger. It would be helpful if this man would be caught and incarcerated for his behavior. I will pray for that to happen.

 

Just by posting here you have shown a willingness to be there for your mother. None of this is your fault. You ARE a good daughter.

[burning 4 revenge]

is this man much younger than your mother?

[Citizen Erased]

I'm sorry you're going through this Coco.

 

It's not your fault this happened to her at all. If you were there it could have been both of you.

 

Unfortunately she's made a choice. If she keeps choosing to be with him there is nothing you can do about that. Hopefully she'll realize he's a loser and he's bringing her down, but if she doesn't see it that way nothing you say to her will change her mind.

 

Hugs to you. You're a good daughter to your mom.

 

I guess deep down I know I could not have prevented it but sometimes you just cant help thinking what if...

 

They have broken up alot of times before but I always knew it wouldnt last I guess this time because the situation is worse that it seems for real but honestly I can not deal with the sinking feeling I get in the pit of my stomach the other times she took him back. They once broke up when I was living there and I did not eat for 3 days because anything which came into contact with him I felt like throwing up. After this if I see him I will probably have that same reaction.

 

Thanks for making me smile though, I've never been told I was a good daughter.

[Citizen Erased]

Your story is a bit similar to a Lifetime movie I watched. The daughters saw it coming, but the mother kept allowing the abusive man into her home and life. The movie did not end well, but it was not the daughters fault!

 

It is very hard to deal with an abusive person. They threaten you and your loved ones so you stay. This from your mother's point of view. I am fortunate enough to have never been in a physically abusive situation.

 

Your mother is incapable of protecting herself, much less you and your brother. Think of that as an illness, because it is a mental illness. Since she is ill you might have more capacity for forgiveness. Her life is normal for her. I don't understand any better than you do, but it's normal for her.

 

Try to talk some sense into her while he is in hiding. It might not work, but if she could seek some kind of counseling, even just a little bit, she may become stronger. It would be helpful if this man would be caught and incarcerated for his behavior. I will pray for that to happen.

 

Just by posting here you have shown a willingness to be there for your mother. None of this is your fault. You ARE a good daughter.

 

I guess I never really forgave her for cheating on my dad, it happened when I was 13 and I actually found out before everyone else, I overheard her talking to W on the phone and I just felt I should never have been put in that situation. Then all of this and it became about taking sides and she never stuck up for me. I was too busy trying to keep from falling apart because I was in my last year of school when I lived with them. Yelling and screaming aren't exactly brain food lol.

 

I dont think she will actually take him back because I spoke to her earlier and she has already had papers drawn up so she can sell their house, she just needs him to sign them. The court case (for the assualt, not the DUI) is set for the 1st Feb and he is already certain of 3-4 months in jail because the judge he is in front of was the same who put him on a good behaviour bond. That will give her enough time to sell the house and find another one.

 

DDL, I know what you mean about a Lifetime movie lol. See when you sit down and can say "my life is exactly like that" then you need to see a therapist lol. I guess that when you dont live with the abuse you have a clear mind and can look at things differently. Living it is completely different.

 

Thanks for your insight It is more refreshing then rehashing it with my boyfriend because all he is going to do is agree with me and then say he will beat the crap out of W if he sees him again. Slightly comforting but not very helpful lol

[Citizen Erased]

is this man much younger than your mother?

 

Actually no he isn't. My mother is 39 and he is 51. He was also married before and has 3 children. He has just completely hit rock bottom but he doesn't care because all that is important to him is going down to the pub 3 times a day and getting wasted. Oh but he isn't an addict

[burning 4 revenge]

Actually no he isn't. My mother is 39 and he is 51. He was also married before and has 3 children. He has just completely hit rock bottom but he doesn't care because all that is important to him is going down to the pub 3 times a day and getting wasted. Oh but he isn't an addict

you see what i mean about modern men acting like children?

 

not that i'm above it. i'm just as bad as everybody else (and worse than most actually)

[Citizen Erased]

you see what i mean about modern men acting like children?

 

not that i'm above it. i'm just as bad as everybody else (and worse than most actually)

 

I can definetely see what you mean.

 

Eeew I hope its not cos he looks at too much porn he is so old and gross.