What do You Think

[UpintheAir]

I was searching for help and some clue as to what to do when I found your group. Maybe someone here can help or or at least help validate my decision for my own piece of mind.

I have been married for 6 yrs now we have one child of our own (2), one on the way, and my 15 yr old son from my first mariage. I have not been happy for the last 2 years and am seriously considering ending it.

Heres my story Il try to keep it short:

THe first few years were good. We talked and did things together. This was a woman who didnt seem to need any help with anything instead figured things out on her own and took care of things on her own. I am the type person who likes to take care of others so I did all I could so she didnt have to. It was apreciated by her. We Got a house together We both worked and did fairly well. There were a few things that I had a problem with and should have taken a s a sign of things to come. Most notably was she didnt really try very hard at some things. Biggest specific example she was at the end of school for nursing and taking her exams for her licence. I urged her to study offered to help many times she assured me she was studying and knew the material, yet failed the test. She went to take the test again and yet again she assured me she was studying I offered to help her study she always declined my help, she failed it again. Now these events are spaced over perhapse 1 year. She was working in nursing and knew the job was very good at it. She got hurt at work and was told could not return to nursing because of her injury. Which put a financial bind on us. We discused her at least taking the test again so she had her licence she still would not study for the exam and together we came to the agreement that it was not worth the cost to take the exam again. Her reason being she could not work in that field with her injury and mine being she had not studied enough to past the test.

We had trouble having kids, we lost 2 before she was able to carry one full term. I had taken on extra jobs to make up for the lost salary and worked on getting her a job she could do from home so she could stay home with the kids. This was a decision we discussed and came to mutually. I worked several jobs, I also took care of most all the housework, I cooked and cleaned, did my laundry, there was very little housework she had to do. She worked from home and took care of the child. I didnt mind the housework or cooking. At times with as much as I was working I would get behind on housework and would ask her to help, I would almost always get an excuse as to why she couldnt do it or why she didnt get it done. After a while this led to quite a few arguments and much sore feelings on my part.

My son decided he wanted to live with us. She had a good relationship with him he is not a problem teen and is generally well behaved. I wanted him to stay there, she was against the idea and no matter of discusion would change her mind. My feelings for him being there were that we could give him a beter homelife and could better prepare him for adult life, her argument was that it would take away from the things we wanted to give our child together. I put my foot down that he would come stay with us. She has since treated him as an outsider blaming him for all problems we have had on him being there even our childs bad behavior on him being there. Arguments afterwards many times end with her telling me to find someone else to watch my son.

I was working several jobs still and we were barely making it by. IWe discussed me going back to school. I had an opportunity to get my nursing licence through an online program. Getting this licence would alow me to make more money and be away less. we both agreed for me to start, I also explained I would need some help in the things around the house to allow me to study. I was still doing almost all the housework and cooking. She agreed to help. Yet still came up with some exuse for not doing things around the house. Other projects and improvements to the house I have agreed to take on asking for help in other areas to allow me the time to complete these things yet still recieved minimal help.

Over the last year I have tried many times to discuss my feelings about taking care of the majority of work around the house, each ending with an argument and more excuses. Deep resentment has grown in me. I still do things that need to be done but now not because it will make her life easier but because they need to be done.

I have no attraction to her anymore, I have tried to kindle romance and it feels empty to me. Our child sleeps in our bed and little effort is made to get him into his own room. Her and I have no time together alone. She has gained alot and seems little interested in loosing any weight. When Im at home I feel on edge that she will make some derogatory remark to my son and when I defend him if i feel its unwarrented it will lead to another argument. I drink moe than I should (im a happy drunk not violent) so that things dont bother me as much. I dont like the person I am at home anymore.

I have no desire to even try to work on this anymore. I feel used and alone at home. We have an argument and she will be nice for a few days then its back to her normal attitude. I have become impatient and intollerant of even very minor things. The best days I have at homenow are when we dont speak at all.

I dont feel love here. To me if you truely love someone then you want to make their life easier and better and do what you can to help them out, not make constant excuses. You love and accept their children as your own and want them to have a better life also, not looking at them as taking away from your own child.

Both sides have to give in marriage and I feel I have given more than just my 150%, theres nothing left I care to give. It hurts to think of her lonely, and of her crying over our relationship. Ive hurt so long in it im numb to it now. Few things are keeping me there now. Biggest thing is the children my oldest son wants to be with me of course, I hate the thought of tearing up my youngest sons world, In the back of my mind though I believe that life could be much better for him with me even if it is only part time. Then there is the financial part, there is no extra money, i cant go out and get a place of my own and the child support and more than likely alimony since she is not working will leave me with little to live on not to mention the house that we have finishing the work on it so it could be sold without a loss.

Right now Im just here pretending things are fine, to keep the conflict to a minimum. waiting for the baby to be born in the next few weeks.

Sorry this got so long maybe I just needed a place to vent. Any thought or coments welcome.

[Ladyjane14]

Right now Im just here pretending things are fine, to keep the conflict to a minimum. waiting for the baby to be born in the next few weeks.

 

This is a really challenging time for couples under the best of circumstances. Starting a family can induce alot of stress into a couple's relationship.

 

I think you'd do well to consider marriage counseling before you decide to throw in the towel. You've got two babies to consider, and the teenager to provide for.

 

First and foremost, your wife already knew that you had an obligation in parenting another child when she married you. You came to her as a bit of a "package deal" even though the boy wasn't living with you at the time. She needs to just get over it... and give you the support you need in positive parenting. If she can't do that, the child must be prioritized. That's a matter of responsibility. He's NOT an adult who can fend for himself.

 

Second, during already stressful times in a marriage, division of labor can become a REALLY BIG issue. My advice to you on that would be to let it go. I don't know if you're a 'neat-freak' or a 'clutter-bug' or somewhere in between, but wherever you are on the neatness scale... it's probably not worth fighting about. Better to carve out a nice clean corner of the house and spend your free time there. Make sure you pick up after yourself though and have your boy do the same.

 

You know, some people don't mind a messy environment and others are REALLY bothered by a lack of order in the home. When you're approaching it from two opposite ends of the spectrum, you're naturally going to have conflict. If you avoid that conflict by capitulating and doing more than your fair share, you end up building resentment. So... the best choices are the ones that don't take you down that particular path. Better to do what you are comfortable with and feel is fair, than to hate your wife for not rising to your expectations.

 

In the end, you can only make YOUR choices... not anybody elses. Just like you couldn't make the choice for your wife on the value of studying, you can't make any of her other choices either. So, you make your own as best you can and in a way that helps you feel good about yourself... but that doesn't breed further resentment.

 

Most of the problems you're having right now are based on just that... built-up resentment. I think it's likely that the two of you will need professional help in resolving those issues and learning how to enter into healthy conflict designed to solve problems. Try MC (marriage counseling) before you throw in the towel. I think it would probably go a long way towards helping you feel good about whatever decision you finally make regarding the marriage.

[MoonGirl]

LadyJane has given you fabulous advice.

 

Therapy would be a place to start. I also think that drinking your sadness away is only going to create more problems for you and your children. You are an adult and your actions affect your kids.

 

Your wife seems very lazy and unwilling to provide you with the support you desire. Is she depressed? It sounds like she has many symptoms of depression.

 

Your 15-year-old son certainly deserves to be in the picture and your wife should support you in providing him with a nice homelife. You already know this.

[umami]

LadyJane has given you fabulous advice.

 

Therapy would be a place to start. I also think that drinking your sadness away is only going to create more problems for you and your children. You are an adult and your actions affect your kids.

 

Your wife seems very lazy and unwilling to provide you with the support you desire. Is she depressed? It sounds like she has many symptoms of depression.

 

Your 15-year-old son certainly deserves to be in the picture and your wife should support you in providing him with a nice homelife. You already know this.

 

I agree w/ MoonGirl. My husband and I are separated at this point, kind of, and he is depressed. Reading your description of her reminds me a lot of my husband. I would try marriage counseling as well as individual counseling. Good luck.