Communication is Key!

[Guest]

My husband and I have been married for 6 and a half years, I am 24 he is 30. About two weeks ago I told him I was going to leave him. We talked and agreed to go to marriage counseling (something he would not do in the past, I guess he did not take me seriously). Things have been better since then, until last night.

 

This is a new issue unrelated to me wanting to go but something that has always existed in out relationship.

 

Bad communication!

 

We were at dinner last night and I was taking to him about work and my friend and the trouble she is having with her mom and his brother who she used to date and other things. He basically could not focus on what I was saying and then just changed the subject saying he was trying to think of the lyrics to a song and asked if I could hold my thoughts for a second. Okay, so I get the point, he was not interested in what I had to say.

 

Later that night I asked him why he does that, cutting me off when I am talking and he confirmed by saying he was not interested in the topic of conversation. He said. “I want to know how your day was but I don’t need a play by play.” If I ask you, just say, “okay, good, bad. ect.” I said well I was telling you about my day, things that I was frustrated with, he said if you are frustrated why would you tell me they are just going to frustrate me. So I asked if I was to answer a multiple choice question when he asked how my day was (A. Good, B. Okay and C. Bad). Then I told him that when people talk to one another it usually means they trust that person thus they are vulnerable to them. So I was vulnerable, he hurt me and now I am closed off.

 

How can a relationship function like this? Besides me all ready wanting to leave but willing to give it one more shot, how to I deal with that and this. How can I commit to being with this man for the rest of my LONG life when we can’t even talk to one other.

 

P.S. the rest of the conversation was dominated by him talking bad about my family and me defending them, as if that wasn’t a topic that was frustrating!

[IpAncA]

I would suggest you keep going to marriage counseling. You sound like you haven't been going very long. You need to give it some time.

 

Him not listening to you and cutting you off like that is something that should be brought up. I'm sure this is one of many problems your both having.

 

Word of advice though, some guys don't want to hear about their SO's friends troubles. Mine certainly doesn't. Some think that's something that should be left for gf's only.

 

But now you know that he doesn't want a play by play. I would listen to what he had to say and take that advice. If he doesn't want to know in full detail of things then don't share them unless he asks for more.

[Guest]

I would suggest you keep going to marriage counseling. You sound like you haven't been going very long. You need to give it some time.

 

Him not listening to you and cutting you off like that is something that should be brought up. I'm sure this is one of many problems your both having.

 

Word of advice though, some guys don't want to hear about their SO's friends troubles. Mine certainly doesn't. Some think that's something that should be left for gf's only.

 

But now you know that he doesn't want a play by play. I would listen to what he had to say and take that advice. If he doesn't want to know in full detail of things then don't share them unless he asks for more.

 

i agree with IP - just chillax and go with the flow - what's more important - getting yer questions answered or having a relaxed home - easy one

[redfathom]

Hi I am a member now and wanted to add somemore information to the post.

 

Yesterday when I came home I was not talking very much, I was not sulking or anything, I just felt closed off from the events on Thursday. Here is what I tired to explain to my husband:

 

I had been awake for 12 hours at this point and explained that of the 12 hours, 9 were spent at work, 1.5 driving to and from work and .5 getting ready for work, so when he ask's me how my day was and I spend 3/4 at work and the rest doing nothing, I am prone to discussing work.

 

My only concern is, I am 24, do I want to spend another 60 years married to a guy who does not want me to talk about friends, work, ect!

 

Anyway's he was mad at me for not talking very much and I told him I did not feel like it and he said he does not want me to talk about my day! Why would he get mad if I was doing what he asked.

 

Why can't I be myself, I am an outgoing talkative person! I have told him several times when I am in a good mood I tend to talk a lot it's just me sharing with him my life.

[IpAncA]

Hi I am a member now and wanted to add somemore information to the post.

 

Yesterday when I came home I was not talking very much, I was not sulking or anything, I just felt closed off from the events on Thursday. Here is what I tired to explain to my husband:

 

I had been awake for 12 hours at this point and explained that of the 12 hours, 9 were spent at work, 1.5 driving to and from work and .5 getting ready for work, so when he ask's me how my day was and I spend 3/4 at work and the rest doing nothing, I am prone to discussing work.

 

My only concern is, I am 24, do I want to spend another 60 years married to a guy who does not want me to talk about friends, work, ect!

 

Anyway's he was mad at me for not talking very much and I told him I did not feel like it and he said he does not want me to talk about my day! Why would he get mad if I was doing what he asked.

 

Why can't I be myself, I am an outgoing talkative person! I have told him several times when I am in a good mood I tend to talk a lot it's just me sharing with him my life.

Does he talk about his day and share whatever it is he wants?

[Unbeleivable]

Sounds...complicated. I think that is something to bring up in marriage counseling, and see if he responds and adjusts. If not, then you may have to go forward with seperation. Thats your choice. At 30 years old, a person are pretty set in their ways.

 

Communication is something I find myself talking about a lot recently, and it is key. Communication can absolutely make or break a relationship. If someone has bad communication, its just going to create a gap that will get bigger and bigger. You only get one life to live, don't let it go any other way than how you would want it to.

[nancyleeh]

If you listen to his daily gripes and concerns, he should be willing to listen to yours. Some men are selfish and don't take their partners conversations and concerns seriously and that is a serious problem. There is no line that says he or she shouldn't talk about certain topics, it is a matter of the other being a good listener. It goes both ways.

 

nancyleeh

[redfathom]

He does talk about his day and I listen because I care. I understand about him not wanting to hear me tall about my friends, but if they are important to me and my work is important to me then I am going to talk about them. We have not gone to marriage counseling yet; I have been seeing a therapist on my own for about two months, when I had decided that leaving might be the only choice. The thing is things are rocky and he knows this and I know this, so I am trying my best to make things work. There are so many issues (intimacy, porn, he hates my family) this is just the most recent complaint I have. For six years I have been putting a lot of effort into our relationship adjusting and accepting.

 

Nancyleeh, he is selfish, I know this. When we do fight he always wants it to go his way, he tells me I have to just accept what is or is not happening because he will not change, which is fine I am not trying to change him, I am asking him to put the relationship first instead of himself, like I have done for so long.

 

I just think we would make better friends then marriage partners at this point. Like Unbelievable said the gap will get bigger and bigger and I am tired of tying to out run it. At this point it is swallowing me whole and I don’t think I want to try and stop it anymore.

I am tired, just plain tired! Thanks for listening.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Redfathom,

 

Question: How long did you and your husband date?

 

You are right. Communication is key. However, communication differs from one person to another. It is universal, but requires a high compatibility variable in order for it to succeed.

 

One form is clear: Neither you nor him, are engaging in the appropriate type of communication -unhealthy communication can trigger and unleash a bundle of residing anger along with family issues.

 

I recommend: (A) You go to a professional counselor. He/she will be able to help you out -it is best you and your husband attend together.

 

(B) Believe it or not, some men don't like to hear women converse in this manner. Talk, in this form, is a variant of whining. The 30 or so words enter your husband's left ear, and exists his right ear. Nothing, slim to none, registers in his head.

 

You can't change this for him. However, what you can do is refine his attitude. His attitude is, down-right, unacceptable. A husband shouldn't be treating his wife, in this manner.

 

Demand -or at least propose, a middle ground in which both of you are able to compromise on a certain level of agreement. Do discuss this with a counselor.

 

© Most important. To introduce slurs/comments relating to certain family member(s) into a conversation, that clearly are in no way linked to the original topic at hand, is disturbingly uncalled for -offensive, in my opinion.

 

You don't have to defend your family. That is cruel, and unnecessary. You and him are on the same team!

 

Do make it clear to your husband about where your limits lie, and how far you are willing to go relationship wise.

 

At this point, you are a cluster of weakness. Whether you like it or not, he is controlling the situation within his own means -and he is enjoying it. You bet. Ignorance can be deadly, at times.

 

Look after yourself. Definitely go to marriage counseling. Calculate it all in your head, and when you have done all there is to do -given your best performance -then you may contemplate divorce.

 

Best of Luck,

Sand&Water

[redfathom]

RE:

 

Redfathom,

 

Question: How long did you and your husband date?

2 years 7 months prior to marriage.

 

 

 

 

(A) You go to a professional counselor. He/she will be able to help you out -it is best you and your husband attend together.

I have been for about two months since I first thought about ending this relationship. He for the first time in the last three years I have asked is willing to go.

 

 

(B) Believe it or not, some men don't like to hear women converse in this manner. Talk, in this form, is a variant of whining. The 30 or so words enter your husband's left ear, and exists his right ear. Nothing, slim to none, registers in his head. I agree. The only thing is this is me, I am outgoing and fun when I am happy I talk.

 

You can't change this for him. However, what you can do is refine his attitude. His attitude is, down-right, unacceptable. A husband shouldn't be treating his wife, in this manner.

 

Demand -or at least propose, a middle ground in which both of you are able to compromise on a certain level of agreement. Do discuss this with a counselor.

If we ever make it there, this will be one of the first goals I will want us to work on.

 

© Most important. To introduce slurs/comments relating to certain family member(s) into a conversation, that clearly are in no way linked to the original topic at hand, is disturbingly uncalled for -offensive, in my opinion.

This is hard, he puts his family on a pedestool, no matter how alike his family is to mine, his is ALWAYS better.

 

You don't have to defend your family. That is cruel, and unnecessary. You and him are on the same team!

 

Do make it clear to your husband about where your limits lie, and how far you are willing to go relationship wise.

 

At this point, you are a cluster of weakness. Whether you like it or not, he is controlling the situation within his own means -and he is enjoying it. You bet. Ignorance can be deadly, at times.

I know and I am fighting for controll of my own life and I think I need to be on my own.

 

Look after yourself. Definitely go to marriage counseling. Calculate it all in your head, and when you have done all there is to do -given your best performance -then you may contemplate divorce.

I have been contiplating this for about two months and even told my H I was leaving and we came to an agreement three weeks ago to go to counseling which is why his lack of interst in communication is extra hurtful. He said he loves me and does not want to live with out me so why would he say something so hurtful and controlling.

 

Best of Luck,

Sand&Water

 

Thanks for the advice, I am going to think about it.

[Sup]

Red, It seems like YOU are doing ALL the work in this marriage, yes , go to marriage counseling, and take your husband too. I just want to warn you though, don't be too disappointed if this doesn't work, he DOES sound set in his ways. Another thing I want to warn you of, is the fact YOU right now, are ripe to have an affair with someone, possibly from work, I suggest and WARN you NOT to do that. You hear people coming in these forums saying how my husband/wife doesn't listen to me, doesn't care, etc. So the conditions for you to have an affair are right on target, I don't know if there's anyone that you have had your eye on, as of lately. If there's not, It's just a matter of time until you may take interest in someone else. Please don't think I'm accusing you, it just seems from the way you typed this out, it's very close to happening. Whatever you do, don't cheat.......

[redfathom]

Yes, I have thought about having an affair! Not a physical one, just an emotional one. I would never do that to him, never carry it out, but I have thought about it.

 

It stems from the thought of being alone, feeling alone. That no matter what I decide to do in my marriage that I wish their was someone I could talk to who would listen. Who would find what I have to say interesting and be supportive of the things I love to do.

 

Generally I love the person I am, I am smart and beautiful; I have many hobbies that I am great at and should be admired. So I ask myself, why can't my husband love me for these things, for who I am and what makes me special. I am a good wife, I take care of my husband and the house while working full time.

 

I wish there was someone out there who could enjoy the person I am and I wish it was my husband, but that need has to be met. I AM trying to fill that need myself and would never bring in a third party into this, because above all I want to always love the person I am and cheating would make me hate myself.

 

Thanks for the concern and advice.

[VinaAmez]

Yes, I have thought about having an affair! Not a physical one, just an emotional one. I would never do that to him, never carry it out, but I have thought about it.

 

It stems from the thought of being alone, feeling alone. That no matter what I decide to do in my marriage that I wish their was someone I could talk to who would listen. Who would find what I have to say interesting and be supportive of the things I love to do.

 

And that is why you should at all cost avoid having one and why it's so easy to fall into one.

 

Have you asked your husband to go to counseling with you? He also needs to go.

[Sup]

Yes, I have thought about having an affair! Not a physical one, just an emotional one. I would never do that to him, never carry it out, but I have thought about it.

 

It stems from the thought of being alone, feeling alone.

 

 

Uh huh, see? But as far as the Emotional affair thing goes, it would start out as an Emotional Affair, but then It WILL become a Physical Affair. Feeling like you're alone, well, kinda confirms it, along with what you have told us. At least you have been honest about telling us that you have had those kind of thoughts. Have you told your husband what you have told us? I suggest that you DO tell him, why? It would be as like a "WAKE UP CALL" to him. Marriage is NOT Burger King, "Have It your way". HE HAS to give back into the marriage too. If you don't tell him now, then tell him at Marriage Counseling, If he won't go, then TELL HIM what you have told us, the "key" word here is: TELL HIM. I say that because so many men/women, usually men, find out from their spouses affairs then come to find out it was because what you have told us here, Lack of Communication. Many claim that they were NEVER even told, True while no one but God can read minds, that's sometimes the reply that many people give when they find out why the other spouse has cheated.

 

You on the other hand have tried to talk to your husband about this problem, I must say Very Good on that. I suggest that you exhaust EVERY possible means to save your marriage, Marriage Counseling is a start, but HE has to want to save this marriage too. VERY IMPORTANT: Even If none of this works out, and you can't save your marriage, you could always Divorce him, I'm not saying take him for what he's got, No. But I'm saying get out, before It gets WORSE, where you WILL be tempted to cheat, at least then he won't be hurt for the rest of his life, and you'll have a clean conscience. NEVER say NEVER in cases like these. Like I said before, It's ONLY a matter of time, before you start looking, or someone else will find you.

[redfathom]

I know cheating WOULD NORMALLY be a concern but I am not the cheating type. I know I mentioned that I thought about it but I also thought about him finding someone else and leaving me so this would be easier on him.

 

I had a dream where my husband cheated on me and I decided that I was going to cheat on him. So I went around trying to find someone I could sleep with and I could not find one person I did not think had an STD. I know that is weird. Even when I see us apart I do not see me with someone else. The good news is that I love myself first and formost (my husband has always been a close second).

 

I am just not the cheating kind, it's low. I would never hurt him like that evn though I don't want to be married to him, I still love him. I don't even flirt and when a guy flirts with me I think it inappropriate and creepy.

 

We are supposed to go to marriage counseling, can I just say that I have been thinking about leaving him for three years now and have asked him to go to marriage counseling with me for three years but he would never go, I then started to go on my own and it's great. I guess he does not take me seriously nor our problems.

 

Also, when I say I have been thinking about it, I mean, I look at apartments and where I would want to live and plan our budgets and look at furniture and the cost it would be to purchase it.

[dropdeadlegs]

I applaud your willingness to leave the marriage before entertaining any kind of cheating. It would make you feel bad about yourself even if your needs for communication were being met.

 

Marriage counseling can be very productive if he is truly willing to participate fully, not just go to appease you and keep you from leaving. It is hard work and cannot be done alone, and it appears that you have been doing the work alone in the past.

 

I have been to MC with a former spouse and while I still believe in it, I have to admit that some of the things I learned about my spouse and my marriage were hard to swallow. For instance, he said that the reason he married me was because I was fun to party with and had great legs. WTF? My answer to that question was because he was romantic and charming and I fell in love with him so I was hurt by his admission that his reasons were more shallow than mine. Since my legs weren't as great and we didn't do much partying, I felt doomed. He didn't participate fully in the homework required and thought it was stupid. The homework was mostly about better communication on his part, and I was to learn to listen more and talk less. I really tried, but before I knew it he was simply too busy to even attend sessions. That wasn't the end for us, but it should have been.

 

Good luck with your counseling. I hope you fare better because I do believe it works for many people. Marriage certificates don't come with a how to manual, but there are a lot of good books out there that help. Books that teach both growth and understanding within marriage/relationships and books that are geared towards personal growth and development. Immerse yourself in information.

[Sup]

I know cheating WOULD NORMALLY be a concern but I am not the cheating type. I know I mentioned that I thought about it but I also thought about him finding someone else and leaving me so this would be easier on him.

 

I had a dream where my husband cheated on me and I decided that I was going to cheat on him. So I went around trying to find someone I could sleep with and I could not find one person I did not think had an STD. I know that is weird. Even when I see us apart I do not see me with someone else. The good news is that I love myself first and formost (my husband has always been a close second).

 

I am just not the cheating kind, it's low. I would never hurt him like that evn though I don't want to be married to him, I still love him. I don't even flirt and when a guy flirts with me I think it inappropriate and creepy.

 

We are supposed to go to marriage counseling, can I just say that I have been thinking about leaving him for three years now and have asked him to go to marriage counseling with me for three years but he would never go, I then started to go on my own and it's great. I guess he does not take me seriously nor our problems.

 

Also, when I say I have been thinking about it, I mean, I look at apartments and where I would want to live and plan our budgets and look at furniture and the cost it would be to purchase it.

 

 

If you don't mind me asking, how long ago was this dream? It's possible that he is cheating, I'm NOT saying that he IS, but, it's possible. Have you noticed ANYTHING, well, strange? Example: wearing different underwear, grooming more sexy, tatoos, yes men do this too nowadays. God forbid that you find out that he's cheating, but, if somehow he is, I hope that you will still remain honorable and don't cheat, but you could Divorce him.

[redfathom]

About two+ years ago. It has always been a concern. You know I did find him on an Escort site about 2+ years ago, it could have stemmed from that or that he looks at porn like 3-4 times a week. Basically we have trust issues and he knows I feel this way yet I have not seen a change.

[Sup]

About two+ years ago. It has always been a concern. You know I did find him on an Escort site about 2+ years ago, it could have stemmed from that or that he looks at porn like 3-4 times a week. Basically we have trust issues and he knows I feel this way yet I have not seen a change.

 

 

HMMM!!! Well, I would strongly tell ya to look into getting a good keylogger then. I had a strange feeling about this when I posted my first post, I hope I'm wrong......... Look at cellphone bills, Cell numbers in his phone(all this in private of course) credit card statements. Any dropped calls to your home (people who call and then just hang up?) Unexplained times being late, and/or stupid excuses such as (couldn't make it home in time because of a nuclear meltdown threat, and there's NO nuclear powerplant within 3 states of where you live?)

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

The 'I-found-him-on-an-Escort-Site' makes a huge difference. I didn't know until you wrote about it. But anyhow, that was 2+ years ago!

 

Very early on into the marriage, I must say. Usually a man wouldn't stray at this stage, unless there were serious concerns in the relationship.

 

Be grateful he is, actually, willing to go to marriage counseling. There is a lot of work to be done. Once you get in a few months of counseling, and decide the marriage is hopeless -then you may go forward with divorce.

 

To be honest with you, I believe he is a big jerk. Essentially, he is just a bored individual.

 

He went along for the ride -to marry you -so that he could have a little more excitement in his life -to feel dominant and do whatever, as long as he was getting his way and having fun at it. The spark-compatibility factor was underestimated from the very start.

 

He must of thought -as long as there are commonalities, a female companion who can rationalize and intimacy, then marriage it is. He miscalculated the expectations, and rewards.

 

I hope it works out for you.

 

Warm Regards,

Sand&Water