Getting Mixed Signals

[Number5]

I posted earlier as a guest, but I'd rather register to be able to post in real time.

 

Anyhow, my girlfriend broke up with me after 13 months. The first 11 I would say were really awesome, but the last two, the relationship seemed to stagnate and I didn't show her how I really felt about her, I was getting uber busy with school and sometimes we'd hang out with my friends instead of I hanging out with her alone.

 

Anyway, she told me that she had just a faint "feeling" for us, and that we should end it. I got pretty bent out of shape and left, denying her request that I stay the night. She also said she wanted to stay friends.

 

Fast forward two weeks, after trying to keep my distance, she still talks to me almost all the time I'm on IM, it's like we used to talk before we ever got together. We were friends first. And since all of our friends are pretty much mutual, I have occassionally been in the same places as her.

 

Anyway, two mornings ago, she sends me a message saying that she had a dream about us and that she woke up sad. She goes on tell me some other girl gave me a flower and her reaction was "back off!" and jealousy. She said it made her upset. I tried to talk to her about, and she just says acts like something is bothering her, and then quickly suggests that we get some dinner together. So dinner goes normal, I pretty much just play it normal and I don't talk about any real issues at all (like our breakup or the dream.). At the end of the night, she hands me a CD of pictures of us together, which contain some provocative pictures of herself that she had showed me before. Before this, I tried to kiss her, but she told me to behave, and later that night we ended up having sex, but the sex was purely physical. I'd guess it was our "breakup" sex.

 

The reason I'm confused, is that, I'm reluctant to press these issues, as we've had a couple of discussions prior that basically ended in "I don't want a relationship right now, I don't want to talk about this anymore." I have never begged for her back, btw. I'm just left here wondering what is going on.

 

I've moved past the stage of "Oh my God, I can't live without you." to the "I'm open to getting back together, but I'm moving on in the meantime." Should I just do NC with her and then maybe when she contacts me go for coffee and start doing little fun dates and see where it goes?

[Number5]

Any suggestions?

[moleday2039]

i'm sorry. i have no idea. well, i would keep on doing what you're doing. be open to getting back (but u'll have more problems to solve if you do), and move on in the meantime. i don't have that much experience, but just one relationship... let alone, i'm still a virgin.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

I believe you, Number5, have to decide IF there is anymore passion and love to provide in the relationship.

 

You may want to discuss with her: What went wrong?

 

There should be some sort of closure. At this point, she is still emotionally attached to you [ -dreams, dinner, intimacy]. She hasn't fully moved on -and since you and her keep coming back to each other, at this rate you are just taking advantage of the situation -without commitment.

 

Only do No Contact, if you sincerely want to move on -onto better things.

 

Something to think about. Hope it helps.

Sand&Water

[Number5]

We have discussed what went wrong, she told me that I hadn't really been open to her lately and that she felt we were growing apart. She said sometimes I made her feel that I wasn't her boyfriend, but just a friend. But this was prior to all this stuff happening like the dream, dinner, intimacy, etc.

 

To be honest, I'd really like to give it another shot, and I know I can overcome those obstacles now that I've been give this wakeup call, the only problem is, I think she's still afraid to invest in me and for the relationship to slip back into when it was bad.

[shockandawed]

It doesn't sound like she is involved with anyone else, so you have nothing to lose by taking it slow. Slow will give you the opportunity to show yourself.

 

Don't tell her you have changed, show her what you are willing to change. Be the person who truly listens to her. She will realize the changes are there. Just be sure she can provide you with what you want.

 

Good luck!!

[Number5]

Looks like she's been more distant, so, I'm going to take this opportunity to just back away for some NC and figure out what I really want in her (nothing, friend, sign. other). And work out, I need to get back to my 5 min mile

[Speedo]

We have discussed what went wrong, she told me that I hadn't really been open to her lately and that she felt we were growing apart. She said sometimes I made her feel that I wasn't her boyfriend, but just a friend. But this was prior to all this stuff happening like the dream, dinner, intimacy, etc.

 

To be honest, I'd really like to give it another shot, and I know I can overcome those obstacles now that I've been give this wakeup call, the only problem is, I think she's still afraid to invest in me and for the relationship to slip back into when it was bad.

 

She's afraid to invest time in you?? Hell no my friend. She broke up with you! If what you said is correct (11 months of bliss, 2 months not so much) and you get the boot, you're dealing with someone who obviously can't sit down with you and work things out before you get canned. That's a maturity and communication issue. If she's worried about the relationship slipping back into when it was bad, have you ever thought about her leaving again if you two go through some bumpy times? Just something to chew on. One thing I'm certain of, she needs to come to you. You sound mature and did way better than myself. Keep doing what you're doing, but I'd wait for her to be the one to spark things up again to give you a little power shift. In the meantime, make SURE this is something you would like to do for yourself if you two get that second chance.