How do you keep yourself from letting past experience ruin the present?

[AriaIncognito]

So i've been back with the ex since November now. Brief history, we started dated in 02/06 then broke up in 6/06 because he wasn't sure about me (we are different faiths, for one thing, though i'm willing to convert) we got back in 08/06 then I broke it off with him 10/06 because I couldn't take the anxiety his ups and downs towards me would cause. That lasted a few weeks and he was back and we've been seeing eachother since 11/06. While he hasn't been displaying all the same usual "conflicted" signs he was in the past, I'm sure he must still be, as he still hasn't moved our relationship to the next level, and by that, i mean call me his girlfriend.

 

He doesn't date anyone else. The only dates he had last year were during our split. He told me he didn't think it was fair to date while he was with me, even though we are technically allowed to date others. Mixed signals galore. He tends to contact me daily at work, but not so much at night after work. He tends to spend at least one night/day with me over the weekend. Sans the label, it's been really nice.

 

However today, I dont know, I am sensing the "conflict" again but he's not telling me. I know in my head that I should just leave him be and he'll move past it on his own, yet I feel compelled to keep pressing him for information. He usually emails me back and forth at work all day. Today, we did very little, and in the ones we did it was basically him saying he was going out with friends tonight and didn't know what he wanted to do this weekend. I told him to let me know if/when he thought he'd want to get together with me, he never replied. Of course this sets me off and I've been upset all day, because prior experience with him tells me he's pulling away for some reason and then i get scared that he's wanting to leave.

 

Logic tells me I shouldn't want to stay with someone that isn't willing to fully give of himself, but my heart tells me that he's the one. I don't even know for sure what he's thinking right now, yet I automatically went right to the worst case scenario and now I feel horrible.

 

Why do I have to let the past ruin the present, before I truly know what is happening in the present? How can I help myself learn to let things go that are bothering me, until I know they are actual problems?

 

i just feel really sad and really scared and really alone tonight. Even cried half the day at work, thankfully people didn't come to my desk often or notice. Crying here at home alone is fine, the cat doesn't judge me.

 

Does loving someone really mean letting them go for good and hoping it all just "works out" even though all you want to do is hold onto them for dear life?

 

I feel like an absolute moron posting all of this. I feel like a bigger moron for believing that I'll never love someone as much as I love him.

[Teacher's Pet]

OMG Jenn...

 

You have me in tears with that...

 

I wish you came out tonight... you would have had some good, much needed laughs.

 

You could even meet my new "friend" and tell me how she's probably not the one for me.. lol

 

I know how you feel, though... When you care about someone who doesn't put as much into the relationship as you do (and you KNOW I've been there, too)..... It's hard to accept the fact that it might not end up the way you want it to. You feel like you've invested so much of yourself in the other person, that "cutting your losses" now would mean you've wasted so much time and energy, and you refuse to accept that.

 

Trust me, I'm certain this is how almost everyone feels at one time or another in ANY relationship. You want it to work out, part of you says it won't, but that little bit of you that thinks it might will ALWAYS win out.

 

It's human nature to remain positive. Whether it's because you are "following your heart" or because it's a "defense mechanism", we WANT relationships to work out. No one wants to go through the pain of a breakup. Even when you are the one initiating a breakup, as long as there is no "abuse" involved, no one truly wins.

 

No one wants to be in that no-win scenario, especially when both people involved are truly GOOD people that BOTH deserve to be happy.

 

I only wish I could snap my fingers and make it all work out. You know I love ya, Jenn, and you know I think the world of D...... somehow, someway, it could all work out, but at the same time, part of you has to prepare to move on in the case it doesn't.

 

I'm sorry you've had a bad day over this... I know it's late, but if you can't sleep and you read this...text me or something... I'll be up playing Warcraft if you want to talk. LOL

 

*hugs you tight*

 

-tp

i'm here.

[Arianna72]

Your post really struck something in me aria.

 

I have asked myself the same questions so many times and been in that same sad place. I often find myself focusing on the worst case scenarios as well. Wish I had answers for you. And to have been going through this for so long and invested so much is tough. I have only been doing the quasi-relationship (not the girlfriend thing) for a couple months and I already feel fairly drained from it, I can't imagine how you must feel. I am so sorry you are in this place right now.

 

The best thing I suppose you can do is try to focus on other things though I know how hard that can be.

[upsetnhurt]

Ariawoman and Arianna,

 

Don't you dare fault yourselves here for constantly rekindling past issues. Don't you see that this person's other actions are the driving force for your current feelings. Their actions certainly do not allow you to feel content in your relationships with them and that is what you both are craving so so much. Who wouldnt question where you stand with the other when the other is showing you that you are not priorities to them at all. They feed you scraps and crumbs off the table and both of you are willing to accept them. Until you decide that your heart is the most valuable prize and only ones that cherish it will be able to keep it, you will keep going through these ups and downs. There are so many men that would die to be in a committed relationship with women that are ready for that, why not just take a step back, regroup and allow yourself to find them..............

[AriaIncognito]

Upsetnhurt,

 

You know, I'm fully aware of all you said. Meaning, you didn't have to post it for me to already know it. However, for some reason, I can't seem to convince myself that he'll never love me the way I deserve. I've tried. I don't understand it we always seem to find our way back, then each time we have, I hope that he'll be really committed to it/different. And this time around, he has been different (but not committed by title), aside from this last day where he's been not speaking to me for whatever reason.

 

Personally, I'd never just "ignore" email or text from someone. He's never done it to me. I have no idea why he is, except for the fact that he seems to want space. But why can't he just tell me THAT rather than just let me lay here guessing what's wrong. He'll use some spill to make it my fault. He was afraid to hurt me, or he didn't want to feel guilty about not wanting to see me.

 

Honestly, when times get like this, I don't know why I allow it to happen and don't know why I stay. Probably because these times aren't often, and the good times are a lot more plentiful.

 

Last night i had like 10 dreams where this was rectified for me. Unfortunately, I woke up realizing none were true.

[Teacher's Pet]

Last night i had like 10 dreams where this was rectified for me. Unfortunately, I woke up realizing none were true.

 

Don't feel bad.

 

Last night I had a dream that me and H were back together.

 

It was TOO perfect, in the dream.

 

I actually woke up, and rolled over to see if she was really there.

 

-tp

just let me sleep.

[upsetnhurt]

So sorry if my post agitated you a bit ariawoman....I should have known that you already knew it yet thought it is nice hearing it from another. It all boils down to how much you value yourself. I beleive that regardless of his issues you need to sit back and wonder why it is that you are willing to put up with this. Maybe it is lack of confidence, low self esteem, etc...but you deserve better and until you feel that way about yourself you will be in this emotional rollercoaster with him and any others. Best of luck to you.

[AriaIncognito]

UnH,

 

You didn't aggitate me, I just couldn't put the words in an order where they didn't seem that way. I apologize, and I do appreciate your posting, believe me.

 

I've been awake for all of 10 minutes and I'm already crying and technically nothing has happened. I hate this.

 

I do have low self esteem. I've had it for as long as I can remember. I seem to always feed off of having a relationship, which no, isn't healthy. Of course this one has provided me not much in that dept either.

 

Ugh, Why do I want to hold onto someone that doesn't make me and my feelings a priority?

 

I hate myself right about now, which doesn't do much for my self esteem either.

 

Worse thing is, one apology from him, and all these feelings would dissipate. And that is a scary thing.

[guin_girl]

Aria,

So much of your post is how I have been feeling for the past couple weeks. I've been in the "non-date" dating situation. And I know that feeling that we get where we know "something" is off but not sure what we really know. And if you have read any of my story, posts, you will see that I am a "over the edge" diver... I think it's the Irish in me, Murphy's Law... if anything can go wrong, and it will, it will happen to me.

 

You have experienced a yo-yo of emotions over the past year. I know it has to have been very rough on you. But have you taken time to really sit down and find out what you want for you? It sounds like you are giving a part of yourself up to be what he wants you to be. Remember who he fell for, the person, individual you were in the beginning, you can't lose sight of that.

 

I am coming to the conclusion (I hope - still working on it) that I need to take control over my own life. I have to do what's right for me, and if he fits into "my" life then good. I can't allow myself to be on the coattails of his emotions, thoughts and feelings. In my situation, if I am alone "with" someone, I might as well be alone on my own. I can't count the amount of tears I have cried over what ifs and what could bes these past weeks. We need to take a stand and do what makes us happy.

[Teacher's Pet]

I hate myself right about now, which doesn't do much for my self esteem either.

 

Come to my show tonight.

 

Listen to what years of destroyed self-esteem and bad relationships has done to me. It's all well-detailed in the form of finely-tuned filthy jokes.

 

But, you knew that already. LOL

 

Love you, buddy.

 

-tp

".....she was like 'when we started dating, you were so charming and romantic! you used to take my breathe away! why don't you take my breathe away anymore?........so i choked her to death."

[AriaIncognito]

I can't. I already have plans to go out with Val and Joe. Not that I want to. I want to break all plans so I can stay here and cry. I certainly dont feel much like being happy right now. I wish he'd contact me. But then if he does I dont know if I should answer it because I'm afraid of what will be on the other end.

[RocketMan2]

Don't feel bad.

Last night I had a dream that me and H were back together.

 

It was TOO perfect, in the dream.

 

I actually woke up, and rolled over to see if she was really there.

 

Thats crappy man, I had one of those dreams the other day.

 

I very very rarely dream, usualy because im not alseep long enough. But when I do i tend to forget that it was a dream, and think its a memory. Its got me into trouble in the past lol, thinking what happened in a dream was real hehe

 

That made the disappointment even harder for me. Because i woke up, had a shower, remembered that she'd apologised and asked me back out! was ecstatic for about 5 mins till i realised that it was a dream.

 

Gutted.

[AriaIncognito]

Now it's been almost 3 days with nothing. I'm not meant for this contact worry and upset state. I feel sick to my stomach today I'm so worried. I dont understand what happened. What I could have possibly done to trigger this. Why he's simply just ignoring the fact that I contacted him friday. Nothing.

 

I feel awful.

 

I wonder if he even knows how bad this feels on my end. Or if he even cares.

 

I'm going back to bed to bawl.

[guin_girl]

Now it's been almost 3 days with nothing. I'm not meant for this contact worry and upset state. I feel sick to my stomach today I'm so worried. I dont understand what happened. What I could have possibly done to trigger this. Why he's simply just ignoring the fact that I contacted him friday. Nothing.

 

I feel awful.

 

I wonder if he even knows how bad this feels on my end. Or if he even cares.

 

I'm going back to bed to bawl.

 

I'm in the exact same boat as you... already had my daily cry...

1. wake up ~ check~

2. brush teeth ~ check~

3. log on computer ~ check~

4. see last email exchange ~ check~

5. cry ~ check~

6. log on LS ~ check~

 

I seem to be right on schedule... although usually #5 is right after #1... hang in there... but as I have been told on here, today even, it's not you or anything you did, it's him... and no guys don't really have a concept of "time"... they don't count the days like us.

 

but know that we feel your pain, keep posting...

[AriaIncognito]

I feel like I want to throw up or something. I can't believe that someone can hurt me like this. I can't believe I allow it to happen instead of calling him right now and telling him where to shove it. I can't believe that after feeling this way since friday, he could call me today and I'd probably just forgive him at the sound of his voice. I dont get it. I know they say love makes us stupid, but this is ridiculous.

 

Falling in love hurts too much. I dont know how i'll ever allow myself to do it again.

[guin_girl]

he could call me today and I'd probably just forgive him at the sound of his voice.

 

me too.... but I have to realize as all my friends have told me, I am the prize, not him... I need to make myself less available to him and make him realize that... but it's so much harder to do then say! we want to be with them as much as possible and we will jump at the chance... and they know that... grrrr

 

[as an aside, I have two guys that are interested in me, but of course, they aren't "him"... but here I am playing it cool with them, turning down dates, not taking every call or text message, and both of them are blowing up my phone.... so it must work]

 

go do something to pamper yourself... get a manicure/pedicure, a makeover... something to make you feel good about yourself...

[AriaIncognito]

I'd do that but the last thing I feel like doing is showering and leaving the house and dealing with seeing happy couples and people everywhere. I went out dancing last night and wanted to run into oncoming traffic half the night because when you see happy couples when youre not in one of them, it really freaking hurts. All this and I dont even know what he's thinking or if he's planning on leaving. For all I know he just wanted a weekend to himself without me in it. But, again, he could have TOLD ME THAT, instead of ignoring me all weekend. (not that i've broken down and made contact. I texted him at 730pm on friday. ball is in his court. I dont need to seem that desperate).

[guin_girl]

I'd do that but the last thing I feel like doing is showering and leaving the house and dealing with seeing happy couples and people everywhere. I went out dancing last night and wanted to run into oncoming traffic half the night because when you see happy couples when youre not in one of them, it really freaking hurts.

 

But you got out... that's great... and I know about the "happy" people... fortunately for me, the bar I went to is not known as a couple's bar, so it was more single people just hanging... but you need to not be alone with your thoughts... it will just drive you nuts like me... hashing and rehashing

 

All this and I dont even know what he's thinking or if he's planning on leaving. For all I know he just wanted a weekend to himself without me in it. But, again, he could have TOLD ME THAT, instead of ignoring me all weekend. (not that i've broken down and made contact. I texted him at 730pm on friday. ball is in his court. I dont need to seem that desperate).

 

Yes, me too... my call is out there from 7pm that night too... still nothing at my end... not to give false hope, but I have had times that the text message did not go through... no excuse for my end... VM is VM... it's right there, blinking on his machine....

[AriaIncognito]

No false hope taken. I highly doubt that 2 emails and 1 text (as we were emailing at work that day) all didn't make it through.

 

He's just being downright cold and rude to me.

[guin_girl]

No false hope taken. I highly doubt that 2 emails and 1 text (as we were emailing at work that day) all didn't make it through.

 

He's just being downright cold and rude to me.

 

too bad you are in NJ... we could go out and commiserate in a non happy couple environment

[AriaIncognito]

I called and of course got voice mail. I left a message. However at the end i was dumb and was all "if you dont call me then i suppose I know what the problem is".

 

Ugh.

 

Yeah, I'm a moron.

[Grrlish]

So i've been back with the ex since November now. ...he still hasn't moved our relationship to the next level, and by that, i mean call me his girlfriend.

 

If you're not his girlfriend then he's not your boyfriend (these are mutually-applicable 'titles'), then I'm wondering: he's the ex-what? And if you're not bf-gf, what do you mean: back with?

 

AriaWoman, what I'm getting at is that you're using relationship-oriented vocabulary for something that doesn't seem to really resemble a relationship.

 

 

He doesn't date anyone else...

 

He tends to contact me daily at work, but not so much at night after work. He tends to spend at least one night/day with me over the weekend. Sans the label, it's been really nice.

 

Really? Is almost no contact in the evenings and maybe one day/night on the weekend what you would call 'really nice'? Is that all you want from a relationship? After a YEAR?

 

...and in the ones we did it was basically him saying he was going out with friends tonight and didn't know what he wanted to do this weekend. I told him to let me know if/when he thought he'd want to get together with me, he never replied.

 

You're basically telling him that you're at his beck and call. He's not saying that he wants to see you but you're saying that if he doesn't think of anything better to do that you're available.

 

Logic tells me I shouldn't want to stay with someone that isn't willing to fully give of himself, but my heart tells me that he's the one.

 

He's the one what? I think you should listen to your heart a little more closely. It's probably screaming out that you shouldn't spend another minute with a man that doesn't want to be with you because it...your Heart...deserves someone who is going to treasure it, and you.

 

Why do I have to let the past ruin the present, before I truly know what is happening in the present? How can I help myself learn to let things go that are bothering me, until I know they are actual problems?

 

It sounds to me like your current feelings are based on what's going on right now. I'm not sure what you think you should let go. Reading this thread, it looks like there are actual problems, hon.

 

 

I called and of course got voice mail. I left a message. However at the end i was dumb and was all "if you dont call me then i suppose I know what the problem is".

 

Ugh.

 

Yeah, I'm a moron.

 

 

Be strong, AW. You're NOT a moron. QUIT calling yourself one.

 

This man is NOT "The One" for you unless this is the way that you want to be treated for the rest of your life.

 

If you WANT more, then you DESERVE more.

 

And, girl, if you don't think that you deserve more, you need to go to the nearest bookstore, buy a huge stack of self-help books and get a therapist. Because this man is stringing you along and you're holding the hook in your mouth even when it wants to slip out.

 

AriaWoman, you have to believe that most of us have been there...to the point where we firmly believe that we're never going to fall in love again.

 

For one thing, if what you're describing is my option to never falling in love again, I'd choose 'never falling in love again'.

 

For another thing, there have been 2 serious instances in my adult life where I was convinced without a shadow of a doubt that I'd never fall in love again. And guess what? I was wrong. We usually are about this.

 

But you cannot heal and cannot be available for love to find when you're too busy drowning in shallow water. Don't settle for crumbs. Demand abundance!

[AriaIncognito]

Grrlish,

 

Thanks for your reply. You're right. I do deserve better, and for the most part I know this.

 

As for the applying terms to a relationship that isn't one, who knows. He'll say it's a relationship, but he wont admit to the titles. He hasn't seen anyone else during this time together and neither have I. We did used to spend a lot more time together than now but I figured giving him space could help him achieve his other goals, while maintaining this one. (meaning his goals of meeting people and making friends in the area as he's not originally from this state).

 

I know I shouldn't be making excuses for his behavior, and really i shouldn't even defend my own foolish actions. I know what i'm doing is settling for his scraps, of course I'm settling with good intentions (the faith that one day he'll finally let go and allow himself to enjoy what it is he knows he has with me) but that doesn't make it any better I know.

 

I have heard from him since the v/m. He's out in the city with friends going to a movie (yipee) whilest i've been here being upset. Wonderful. He claims to not having realized I sent a text on friday. I realize it's possible, as it's happened to me, but come on now.

 

Whatever. I'm still trying to come to terms with all of this. I've walked away before and we've always ended up back where we left off. I just don't know if i know how to let it go.

 

As for the self help books, please, I think i own them all. Maybe I'm just beyond self help now. I've done the therapy route, but unfortunately as soon as I'd "get happy" in life again, they'd assume I was cured.

 

Life is definitely not easy.

[D-Lish]

Aria?

 

have you ever thought about turning the tables? Ignoring him? Denying him?

 

I'll tell you something- as an Athiest- I've always had a huge problem with the whole "I can't be with you because we don't believe in the same rituals...." It makes me feel a little sick actually. I'd like to think that people can just be people- be it good or bad, regardless of what affiliation to a church involes.

 

Now, I know that being "Jewish" is considered a lifestyle- not a religion. But I don't understand how you could love someone and yet deny them because of a faith issue- especially if you're willing to convert to be with him.

 

Your story touched me- made me a bit teary eyed actually.

I can't say it didn't make me a little pissed on your behalf.

 

Is his problem stemming from his faith- or is he a CP?

I've seen your pic- you're beautiful- why is your self esteem so low?

 

(not that I'm one to talk- I feel like I suck too). However- if you want to turn things around- I bet you could. just STOP being there when he calls.

You don't fully realize what kind of impact this will have. He KNOWS he can have you be there whenever he wants...so change that. Be aloof and elusive...IT WILL WORK.

 

I just think you need to change things up a bit in order to have an impact.

You're not happy with the way things are now- and he isn't changing.

I bet playing hard to get would make him change. hate to suggest playing games. But you want things to work right?

 

Don't be so sad buttercup- things will get better... you just have to make the effort.

 

;-)

D

[AriaIncognito]

Strangest thing, D-Lish, I was just on another thread that you had responded to, and I thought to myself "I really wish D-Lish would post on my thread" lol. And here you are.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I'd like to say that I agreed with all of them ;-) but i definitely appreciate hearing it.

 

And well, I've thought about the whole "let him chase me" thing. It's just so darned hard, you know. When you want to be with someone so much, you don't want to be denying yourself. By denying him, I'm denying myself. I know you get that.

 

I dont know. I don't even know that we are still seeing eachother. We've not talking to any great length, all I know is that he's still unsure about things, for whatever his reasons. He was going into the city and said he'd be home a few hours later. I didn't reply and don't want to even think about dealing with talking to him about it tonight, so hopefully, the phone doesn't ring.

 

About the faith or CP question, good question. I don't know, honestly. He doesn't seem to know, and if he doesn't, he's not telling me. I know that it's important to his family that I be Jewish, but well, I'm not, and he knew that when we met last year. As for CP - well last real long term thing he had was living with a girl for 4 years and dating her a few years off and on before that. She's the reason he came out here, as he's from the west coast originally. Not sure what the deal is, all I know is what he tells me, which kinda contradicts everything. He tells me i treat him like a king, that things are very easy between us, that he has a great time with me, etc. But then says he's not sure. He says he wants to make more friends, feel better about things around here, maybe that will make him happier, but then he tends to keep things separate and doesn't meet people with me. It's just all very strange. Maybe he built a life with his ex and then lost all his friends when they split...I don't know. I never asked too much because he tends to clam up about the past because he says he doesn't think it's important to know everything.

 

So yeah. I dont know. It's all very upsetting and frustrating and confusing. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see how my life would turn out.