How do you keep yourself from letting past experience ruin the present?

[D-Lish]

Well Aria,

 

The faith thing is a little crazy.

Who cares what you believe in, right? It's about loving someone.

 

Gawd, I've been through the ringer and back.

I've learned through the ages that loving someone isn't often enough. A hard lesson to learn.

 

Yeah, it's totally hard to pull back and play coy... but it's so worth it in the end.

 

I don't know what to say to you about developing the self esteem- it's hard. But I gurantee, the more you like yourself- the less you want some guy to play games with you. And he does play games right?

 

Pull back J. Don't respond.

Give him a taste of his own medicine.

Like I said- I saw your pic- and you're such a pretty girl... you don't need to wait for him to come around.

D

[AriaIncognito]

I dont know if i'm even going to do that. I think I just need to choose myself and tell him to shove it. I really shouldn't be feeling this way because of someone I love. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not I'll be spending all my time alone when I want to spend it with the person I love.

 

Either he sh*ts or he gets off the pot. I'm sick of it.

[guin_girl]

I dont know if i'm even going to do that. I think I just need to choose myself and tell him to shove it. I really shouldn't be feeling this way because of someone I love. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not I'll be spending all my time alone when I want to spend it with the person I love.

 

Either he sh*ts or he gets off the pot. I'm sick of it.

 

You are right, you shouldn't have to. You need to start taking care of yourself... make yourself top priority... Not to "win" him, but to "win" yourself. You sound so loving and caring and have a lot of love to offer, offer it to someone who deserves it and loves you back in the same way, without all of the "conditions".... love you for the wonderful person you already are...

[AriaIncognito]

I am all those things you said. And i know I am. And I know he'll never find someone who compares, because he'll sabotage all those too even if he finds them.

 

I just hope I can keep my strength up and follow through with this.

[skimmy]

Yeah baby that's what I like to hear from you...hold onto that anger, it's an anger that heals. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and he's not any kind of man to be treating anyone like this. You are beautiful, you are talented, you are an amazing woman, and ain't no little d!ck like him gonna yank you along by a chain on a gravel road...ok, i'm getting stupid, but you know what I mean. NC!!!

[AriaIncognito]

I'm so angry and upset today. I feel like death. I've not even done anything yet. I feel so freaking hurt that he just ignored me like that, though he probably misinterpreted my "let me know if you can hang this weekend" as meaning "only contact me if you can see me this weekend". He hasn't made any contact today. Yesterday we had very brief contact but he made no mention of the weekend and I didn't say how much i was hurting from his actions.

 

I was walking around my house this AM getting ready for work, yelling what I would say to him about how I'm feeling and how I considered how he treated me. I wouldn't even treat a friend like that, let alone someone I was intimate with. I don't understand how to him, he's just la de daing along in life and not giving a sh*t who he's hurting.

 

I need to make him stop hurting me. It's just going to be the hardest thing ever to do and stick with. Sure, I've done it before. However, well, I'm back here, so obviously, it didn't stick.

 

I know I need to walk away, so why can't I let go? I'm not a moron. I know I deserve better. I guess I just don't believe I'll ever find it.

[RocketMan2]

Hey Aria,

 

Although our situations aren't exactly the same, i can identify with pretty much very point you made....

 

Personally, I'd never just "ignore" email or text from someone.

He's just being downright cold and rude to me.

 

Im exactly the same. Its just plain rude. Whats the needs to be rude? None. Thats what bugs me the most, that she switched from loving, caring girlfriend, to an evil, twisted whore overnight without any obvious provocation.

 

I do have low self esteem. I've had it for as long as I can remember. I seem to always feed off of having a relationship, which no, isn't healthy. Of course this one has provided me not much in that dept either.

Ugh, Why do I want to hold onto someone that doesn't make me and my feelings a priority?

 

Im the same. I really dont think very highly of myself, even though (not being big headed) i know i should. That too makes me cling on to relationships that i have far too strongly. I cloud my own judgement.

 

I feel like I want to throw up or something. I can't believe that someone can hurt me like this. I can't believe I allow it to happen instead of calling him right now and telling him where to shove it. I can't believe that after feeling this way since friday, he could call me today and I'd probably just forgive him at the sound of his voice. I dont get it. I know they say love makes us stupid, but this is ridiculous.

 

Falling in love hurts too much. I dont know how i'll ever allow myself to do it again.

 

Some people are just emotionally retarted. Im starting to learn this. Maybe i've been a bit arrogant and naive in my view of the world until now. Everythings been nice and sugar coated.

 

I'd do that but the last thing I feel like doing is showering and leaving the house and dealing with seeing happy couples and people everywhere. I went out dancing last night and wanted to run into oncoming traffic half the night because when you see happy couples when youre not in one of them, it really freaking hurts.

 

Exactly the same. Solution? If youre gonna go out go with your mates, get so wasted that you cant see. Worked for me. lol

 

Yeah, I'm a moron.

I'm not a moron.

 

You aren't a moron, your a brilliant, caring, considerate woman who DOES deserve much better. Go and get it!

 

I know I need to walk away, so why can't I let go? I'm not a moron. I know I deserve better. I guess I just don't believe I'll ever find it.

 

Theyre the same thoughts im having, im managing to keep them at bay though these days (mostly).

 

We BOTH deserve to be with someone who identifies with us in every way. Who treats us how we want to be treated without us having to tell them. Who knows when to listen and when to talk, and what to say. Someone who will be there for us no matter what.

 

I was there for her unconditionally. I was upset one night about my grandma who died recently and that WITCH couldnt even be arsed to talk to me comfortingly to ask me what was wrong. She just had a mardy because she wasnt getting attention. What a WHORE! I HATE HER! RARRRGGggg How did i let her manage to turn it round (and she did, successfully). I can't believe her or myself!

 

lol, its good to let this stuff out. You should try it.

 

I really think you need to NC his ass and let yourself heal. The constant encounters are preventing you from healing. Honestly, once you start NC and you get past the initial wanting-to-break-nc barrier it gets really good

 

Good luck

 

Rocket

[Guest]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You ask why you allow yourself to be treated like this and to feel so desperate that you will accept the 'scraps' he gives to you rather than a true, real, loving relationship.

 

I want to tell you what a wise person once told me when I revealed why I would continue to put up with my abusive and un-loving husband. After spending a lot of time reading LS posts and reading about NC I am seeing why NC works because of this also. Here it is...

 

The Slot Machine

Ask yourself why do people put money in slot machines and then keep doing so even when they have lost money so far? Well, here's why. Between some of those times you are losing money the slot machine lets you 'win' and you get back some of your money. It may be a small amount and really nothing in caparison to what you put into it but it keeps you 'hooked' and keeps you feeling like the big payoff is right at any minute.

 

If the slot machine never gave you back those few bucks or so while you put much more money - you would eventually quit putting money in!!!

So you see, what your ex is doing to you is keeping you hooked by giving you a 'couple of bucks' worth of attention. He will then weigh how much you react to see if that is enough because he is trying to get away with giving the least amount necessary to keep you on the hook. He is not willing to give you any more and is definately not willing to give you a true loving relationship that you really deserve.

 

My boyfriend a month ago broke up with me and then tried to come back and be that 'casual' guy who does not know how he feels. I felt used and I am glad that I went total NC - it gave me my self esteem back! You need to say to yourself - I deserve better than this!!!! Please then cut him out of your life! Boot this guy out on his tushie! Why would you want someone who is only willing to give you so little? I know this is hard because you feel that you have invested so much and you have hope that someday he is going to give you want you want but ask yourself this - Would I still stay in this if I had PROOF that he is NEVER GOING TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED?

My thoughts are with you...

[Teacher's Pet]

I dont know if i'm even going to do that. I think I just need to choose myself and tell him to shove it. I really shouldn't be feeling this way because of someone I love. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not I'll be spending all my time alone when I want to spend it with the person I love.

 

Either he sh*ts or he gets off the pot. I'm sick of it.

 

Trust me, you'll never be alone, romantically or otherwise.

 

People ADORE you.

 

-tp

a people.

[Teacher's Pet]

Yeah baby that's what I like to hear from you...hold onto that anger, it's an anger that heals. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and he's not any kind of man to be treating anyone like this. You are beautiful, you are talented, you are an amazing woman, and ain't no little d!ck like him gonna yank you along by a chain on a gravel road...ok, i'm getting stupid, but you know what I mean. NC!!!

 

That SO turned me on.

 

-tp

knows skimmy quite well.

[AriaIncognito]

So I did the deed. Went over there tonight and broke it off. It was coming anyway, if I didn't do it, he would have I'm sure. I think he was surprised I brought all his crap with me. Basically every time we've broken up i've used the stuff he left at my place as a reason to think about when I'd see him next. Now, I rectified at least that much by bringing it with me. Of course it's still going to be insanely hard, there are a thousand other ways I can hang on, but at least I eliminated one.

 

We have the strangest breakups known to man. We are the only people I know that break up, then kiss and hug, then order dinner. It makes no sense, but for us, it does. We've never broken up in a short time, why would this differ. This time was from about 7:15pm (i literally started the second i walked in) until 1:40am. I dont know, a lot was said, I aired out anything I could. Told him things that really sucked for me, like not being able to say I love you when I wanted to, about being afraid to ask him out, about how he seemed to live separate lives, etc. I said it all. There's nothing I can think of right now that I left out that I meant to say. We basically left things at that we'd not have any rules about contact, but that really, we need time away to heal. He wants me to move on. Again he threw in the "right now" crap which I've heard before. Doesn't mean it will happen, and I know that. I'm going to try my best to let it go. I don't know how i'll do. Right now, I feel strong, but I was in his arms not 1 hour ago. So I guess I could still be OK from that. Give me a few hours or days of loneliness then ask me again how I am doing.

 

But for right now, I'm not crying, and that I suppose is progress.

[skimmy]

>>>hugzz<<< You're the best! You can borrow J anytime for a hug, you know that He's over my place most nights and you can feel free to drop by anytime you feel like some company. You don't have to be alone. You have friends that love you.

[AriaIncognito]

As empowered as I felt last night when I got home, that's how crappy I feel now. Now all I feel is a huge sense of loss. I just kicked my best friend out of my life for what appears to be for good. yes I know he can be back in it once we've healed but, I dont know if I will ever be in a place where I can see him non-romantically. I feel very sad and alone and depressed. I am not looking forward to the next couple of months. I especially hate that valentines day will rip me a new one in a few weeks, with the next day being our would be anniversary.

 

I hate this all.

[justagirlforever]

ariawoman, from what I've read in this thread alone, you are a very strong woman. But totally normal. It's damn hard to let go. To be the one to take that step and make the break. But by the sounds of it, you've done the right thing. Very brave.

 

In my hearts of hearts (or what I thought was the most true and most pure I've ever felt) I also thought I was with "The One". Never questioned or doubted my love for him for 4 years. But it wasn't right. And only now - in hindsight - I can see how wrong it was. I now see the things I chose to ignore and pretend not to see. I loved more than I've loved anyone ever before.

But that doesn't make a wrong right.

 

Keep it up!

[AriaIncognito]

I wish that I felt like a strong woman. I'm sitting here crying and have been crying for like 6 days now. I want to be OK with this, I want to be OK with moving on. I want to be OK with the fact that I'm going to always be alone. I still have that flickering hope that he'll be sitting there one day and realize I was the best thing to ever happen to him and that he can't live his life without me. But then I know I should try to extinguish that hope because it's going to keep me from moving on which I so desperately need to do, in either case. I know that i won't feel better overnight. I guess I just dont know how to handle myself right now. I dont like being a crying mess. I dont like being distracted at work. I hate that 1 person can mean so much to me. It makes me want to learn how to not fall in love, because the hurt isn't worth it.

[justagirlforever]

You are strong. For making that choice. Taking that step. Taking that action. It might just take you a little while to see that. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I wish I was that strong when I should have known better. Ended it sooner (not that it was my choice to do so in the first and last place anyway). Saw the things I just didn't want to see.

You're probably at one of the lowest points in terms of hurt and also anger by the sounds of it. Let it go. Try.

[guin_girl]

I still have that flickering hope that he'll be sitting there one day and realize I was the best thing to ever happen to him and that he can't live his life without me.

 

But Aria, is he really the best thing that ever happened to you? it doesn't seem like it... You shouldn't have to wonder if he's sure about you... you deserve someone that knows without a shadow of a doubt that you are the one... he'll want to let everyone know that you are his girl... And he's not going to care what faith you are... nothing will stop two people that belong together...

 

you should be so proud of yourself for taking a stand, I'm proud of you! And it's ok to cry, that's how you move on... you need to go through those stages of grief... it hurts and it's hard, I know that... but we are going to come out on top and we will be happy! with the right person, at the right time who will love and respect us for us!

 

Hang in there and remember we are here for you.

[AriaIncognito]

Well last night also taught me that it wasn't the religion thing anymore. He said he realized recently that I was serious about the idea of conversion and whatnot, and he liked that I was so into learning about it and he said he even got a little bit excited at the idea of learning along with me.

 

Last night he said that he didn't see the relationship growing romantically. Which well, duh, how can it if you dont commit to the relationship? I was the only one committed to it.

 

I said everything I needed to say. I told him how much it hurt me to have to not say "i love you" when I felt it. How much it hurt to be afraid to ask my boyfriend to spend time with me. How it hurt to not feel included in his life totally. He said I deserve more than that, and while I know it's true, I still don't seem to want to believe he wasn't able to provide more than that. Maybe he is able, but the timing was wrong. I know i can't hold on to that hope, that i need to let it go to move on, but i've not done that in the past so I dont know how I'll do this time. He mentioned if we get together in the future we have to do it for the right reasons (as opposed to these past 2 times where he didn't commit to me). Nice to dangle that in my face right? I know I can't hold onto that. I just hope I dont.

 

It's been 12 hours since he watched me drive away. And I feel like it's a lifetime of pain.

[Teacher's Pet]

As empowered as I felt last night when I got home, that's how crappy I feel now. Now all I feel is a huge sense of loss. I just kicked my best friend out of my life for what appears to be for good. yes I know he can be back in it once we've healed but, I dont know if I will ever be in a place where I can see him non-romantically. I feel very sad and alone and depressed. I am not looking forward to the next couple of months. I especially hate that valentines day will rip me a new one in a few weeks, with the next day being our would be anniversary.

 

I hate this all.

 

It's gonna be ok, dearest friend.

 

This is YOUR time now. Remember that.

 

I'm not exactly looking forward to Valentine's Day myself, because I know how ecstatically happy I was last year on it.

 

2007 is a new year, and at least we're starting it off well-armed with friendship. :)

 

We should plan an anti-Valentine's Day event. :)

 

*HUGS his FW tight*

 

Love you, kiddo. It's gonna be fine.

 

-tp

a dirty boy with a soft heart

[Teacher's Pet]

*raises glass*

 

To my B and your D.....

 

May they realize what they lost, and live long enough to regret it.

 

-tp

bottoms up!

[skimmy]

We should plan an anti-Valentine's Day event. :)

 

Our mutual friend A was talking about planning an Anti-Valentine's Day party. I think she mentioned wanting to see Blood and Chocolate.

[AriaIncognito]

That day will be particularly hard for me, that and the next. He actually asked me out for that day as our first date 1 year ago but i didn't accept because of the "pressure" of valentines day, so our 1st date was 2/15. Sigh. I hate this. I don't want to love him. Letting go of your best friend sucks!