new here-need input

[meinmke]

First time posting here-but been reading for a bit. Comforting to know other people are in the same situation

I've been seeing MM for 7 months, started as just a casual sex thing-but that didn't last for long.

Anyway a few weeks ago, W got my cell phone # from searching through his and started calling me late and night blocking her number. MM confirmed that it was her calling me and asked her to stop calling me.

He didn't admit anything about his relationship with me-just that we are friends. The calls didn't stop-w would call me, not say anything and hang up. Today I got another call from her. Told MM that I was going to confront her myself unless he gave me a reason not too. Basically he said that it seemed to not work on his end and he never told me not to…

 

So we talked-for a long time. I didn't reveal anything about our relationship-told her we were just friends. BTW, I'm married too-but separated.

She opened up pretty easier about problems with their marriage. She told me that at first she thought we were having an affair, but doesn’t think that any more…Said that they have problems but they are working it out. May meet this weekend to talk more-I think she needs a friend, but not really sure her motivation-maybe she’s thinking if she becomes my friend, I’ll spill the beans…

After I spoke to her, told MM and we met for drinks. Told him she’s wants their marriage to work and if that is what he wants, I’ll step aside. He told me that he loves me-blah, blah blah.

We were planning on getting a place together soon; he says that is still the plan. I joked around with him and told him that when I meet with her this weekend, I could tell her everything about us and well-he didn’t look frightened or anything, actually more relaxed about the situation than I thought he be. We didn’t have much time, but I told him he needs to meet me tonight so we could talk more…

Just wanted anyone’s perspective on this-either what MM is thinking, or what W is thinking or even me, not really sure what I am thinking-kind of feel that the ball is in my court…

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't really have any insight to share with you on this, just wanted to welcome you to the forum...

[kymberann]

Wow, what a tricky situation. You in the middle! IS this where you want to be? What about this: You spill the beans, W reacts and calls YOU the crazy one. Blames all marriage problems on you. MM sits back and agrees, basically getting away with the affair and calling you the crazy too. Where is his accountability? If the R meant anything at all to him, he would step up and say he was ready to end the M and move on. Just be careful!! PLease

Best

[Curmudgeon]

I joked around with him and told him that when I meet with her this weekend, I could tell her everything about us and well-he didn’t look frightened or anything, actually more relaxed about the situation than I thought he be.

 

Of course he looked relaxed. You've offered to be the messenger and bearer of bad tidings which leaves him off the hook. With the ball squarely in your court, you have to do all the hard work and he gets to simply react rather than take a pro-active role.

 

I find it quite cowardly but if that's what you want, go for it! Too bad you don't seem to think you could do better.

[meinmke]

MM is suppose to come over in an hour-thinking I need to tell him to make a decision this weekend or I'm out.

[dothawoman]

that's an interesting situation that you have. I'm new here as well and i've been dealing with a simular sitation for the past 7 months. I think you should let it go before things get to complicated and you ended up with a broken heart or stressed out and alone.

[GreenEyedLady]

MM is suppose to come over in an hour-thinking I need to tell him to make a decision this weekend or I'm out.

 

You know what's best for you...It will be hard though, just be prepared for that...

[meinmke]

and to make things more complicated-the reason why I am seperated from my husband (getting stuff organized to file divorce papers over the weekend) is because he is in prison for child pornography. I have a son and escaped to a new town to protect my son. I don't have other family-only my inlaws...so I'm in a new town and the only support network I have are people I've met through MM. So yes, it will be hard...

[puddleofmud]

First things first--you and said wife have have contact, you lied and now she feels you are innocent and "her friend". You are neither and it was most unfair for you to present yourself as such. You have completely undermined her trust and her dignity, not to mention your dignity (should that be important to you).

Correct the lie.

Though I am not a fan of an OP getting in the middle of married person's affairs, you have already done so, willingly, and un-truthfully.

Albeit, her husband may tell her anything he wishes as he not a puppet. But you have been contacted and are no one's puppet either, are you?

Tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

[My_Other_I]

It seems like a double betrayal. You are having an A with her H and offering your ear and possible friendship to her at the same time.

She will find out and it won't be nice. She will feel stupid, betrayed, angry, ...

You should either spill the beans and be honest with her or step away from meeting her.

Whatever you decide I hope it all works out. Tell your lover to grow some balls and come clean if he is serious about moving in with you. There have been many stories on this forum where the OW had been waiting and waiting for the MM to fulfill his promises, usually just to hear more excuses.

Good luck to you all!

[whichwayisup]

MM is suppose to come over in an hour-thinking I need to tell him to make a decision this weekend or I'm out.

 

Why are you letting him make the choice? Why not tell him this "Either you get a divorce, or I'm gone." Give him YOUR deadline and if he doesn't meet it, then you're gone for good. Take the control here.

 

I do think it's wrong of you to 'befriend' her. Their marriage and what goes on between them is not your business.

[cbl]

the last thing that you want to do in the world is being your MM's marriage counselor or, if that's your intention at all, to approach his wife and see if your MM has been lying to you about moving in together. if it is, then don't do it.

 

think more about yourself. not about your MM or your MM's marriage and his wife. you will soon find things getting too complicated and one day when his wife finds out that you are having an affair with her husband, you will have more drama in your life (and calling day and night with block number is just nothing) and you just hope nothing but those dramas to be out of your life. seriously your MM is playing with fire and you don't have to.

 

you may be lonely now as you have just moved to a new town - but then start socilizing with the neighbors and your co-workers. focus your life on yourself and make sure that you can live a life with, or without your MM.

 

[Edited to add: sorry that i made a few assumptions and generalizations here mostly about how she would react and your MM. If she would react like she's searching his phone and find your number, and call you endlessly with block number, then something just doesn't sound right. especially when she started poured out every details about her relationships with your MM, after calling you endlessly and after you told her that you are just a friend - i would be careful about the situation]

[frannie]

Welcome to the boards.

 

I'd be wary about getting involved like this. I don't know what she's thinking, but maybe she wants to warn you off or appeal to you to leave her husband alone. Befriending her and lying to her face is nasty in my opinion.

 

I'd also be wary about being involved with a man who is apparently quite happy for his wife and his OW to meet up and sort things out between each other. It's almost like he couldn't care less either way and it's all just a big ego boost for him.

[ratingsguy]

I can kind of understand wanting to tell the BS (betrayed spouse) everything as you probably feel somewhat guilty, especially if that person seems like a good person and has been sincere with you. But I agree with everyone else that it's your husband's place to do so. You're walking in a mine field right now, and it's best that you hold your cards close to your chest. No matter how nice they are, after the BS finds out what's going on, they will not want to be your friend, nor should they be.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Do you not feel angry at your MM?

 

If my MM encouraged me to meet his wife, who is probably thinking she's going crazy by thinking of him having an affair, I would think he was a pretty cruel man both to me and to his W.

 

There's a reason why the W thinks that their problems are working out - because he's helping to work them out. I would not think for one second that the balls in your court. Your MM probably looked relaxed because he has his ammunition stored up in case you do spill the beans. "No, nothing happened, I've just been a friend to her, she's had a really tough time, she's in a new town with her son. She's probably made all of this affair nonesense up because she's lonely, although she's acting a little crazy by telling you all of these stories. She sounds obsessed by me!"

 

I'm sorry for your situation, but take care when being a friend to his W. You aren't her friend, your the OW in her marriage. How will you feel when you meet her? She may tell you lots of different things that make you hurt/angry/resentful/sympathetic. All the while, your MM is letting YOU take the responsibility for HIS marriage.

 

Be careful and have your wits about you

[whichwayisup]

Your MM probably looked relaxed because he has his ammunition stored up in case you do spill the beans. "No, nothing happened, I've just been a friend to her, she's had a really tough time, she's in a new town with her son. She's probably made all of this affair nonesense up because she's lonely, although she's acting a little crazy by telling you all of these stories. She sounds obsessed by me!"

 

I agree, he'll turn it around so quickly and make YOU out to be the pursuer and he'll come out smelling like a rose. Remember, he's been lying to his wife, hiding his affair with you, so don't fool yourself into thinking that he defend you.

[Seen_It_All]

PuddleOfMud is absolutely correct. What a totally sh*itty thing to do to this woman - lie to her and then befriend her by meeting her this weekend for 'girl talk.' It's quite clear that this woman thinks she AND her husband are rebuilding their marriage because he's LED her to believe that. Obviously, your secret 'friendship' with him is upsetting to her and she sees you as a threat and that's why she's contacted you.

 

And here you two are, you and your MM, plotting and planning his escape for your 'happily ever after' while this poor women is under the impression that she's going to grow old with him. Your MM is an utter piece of trash for sitting there with you and acting like he couldn't care LESS how he's about to devastate this woman. And furthermore, the ball-less wonder would love YOU to do his dirty work.

 

Watch VERY VERY CAREFULLY how sh*itty he's treating his wife. Observer VERY VERY CLOSELY. This is exactly how he's going to treat YOU down the road. And after seeing how only too happy you are to continue gaslighting this poor woman for your OWN selfish benefit, you're going to deserve every minute of it when it happens to you.

 

And sure as the sun rises in the morning, it's GOING to happen to you.

[vanilla chai]

Does anyone belive in telling the truth? If your love is so pure why keep it hidden? im sure im gonna read the same thing"it's his marriage" crap.

 

What kind of man delibratly decieves his wife? If he wants out so bad there is "nothing" that will stop him.

[meinmke]

Thanks for everyone's input.

Friday night he came over. We had a good long talk. Asked him if he was truly interested in making it work with his w. He told me that the environment at his house is exactly as he has been telling me for the past few weeks. We are sticking to the plans-he's moving out and we are looking for a place big enough for all of us-nothing has changed between us and he can't loose me-that its all going to be great, better for everyone-me and my son, him and his kids-even w.

He had brought up having a divorce, several times, split placement and custody of the kids, that he wasn't going to counseling-what does she want to do with the house, that she can afford to get an apartment after they sell the house.

 

They both make decent and equal salaires, but their current living expensive depends on both salaries. So much has to be done before he can move out.

He also tells me that in other times-when they are not having divorce conversations-he tries to avoid her-walks out of the room, etc.

W calls me Saturday morning-she tells me that her and MM man split a bottle of wine and were talking-then he announces he going to my place. I confirmed he was over here. We made plans about meeting in the afternoon.

MM called me later-knew about plans to meet with his W. Asked him if he really wanted me to go. He told me he'd prefer I didn't-that he is trying to handle everything-everything will be fixed soon, it's his responsibility.

I called W and cancelled-she asked me if she should think about getting a divorce. I told her that that was between her and her husband and the two of them really need to talk, but I also told her that their is certainly a disconnection between what she is telling me and what her H is saying. She said, maybe we can meet next week for lunch-I told her maybe-we'll see.

MM was not with W all day on Saturday-went to go see his parents with one of his kids-we talked several time during the day, but kept our conversation light-

He calls me around 9pm that night on his way home. Told me that he was tired and going to bed early, but he'll call me in sometime Sunday. Then he calls me at around 11:30-told me he thinks W has left him. She told him she was going out ofr a glass of wine and is still not back. Asked him if he was ok-he told me that he thought this was good-maybe she realizing that their marriage is over and will start talking rationally about their divorce.

I've gotten a lot of responses that it not good for me to lie to her about having an A with her husband. I thought about it, to what purpose does it serve her if she knew the truth. The state we live in is a no-fault state. Just feel like the failure of most marriages isn't because OW comes along-OW might be a catalyst More frequently married couples will try to work through infidelity-somethings it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes MM will leave, sometimes the relationship with OW will not survive very long and on rare occations a MM and the OW eventually do get married and on even rarer occations that marriage does work.

I've gone through deep thought-of why I'm in this relationship and have done much to try to protect my heart, soul and mind as best as I can and knowing their are children involved-although they are all young-any movements we make effect them.

I read the article from another thread-http://people.howstuffworks.com/love.htm

Part of the article said Once we have children, those chemicals change to encourage us to stay together to raise those children

 

With all the emotions-MM and I have intense conversations about love-being in love-lost of love in past relationships. But, why are we together and why do we think it will work with us. Part of our attraction to each other is on child rearing philosophies just have very similar approache

my son's sperm donor obviously can't be part of his life-MM and his W have different approaches on raising their kids(one is the W believes in spanking-something that infuriates MM)

So maybe it'll work with MM, maybe not-

Just one of my worries if it does work out between us, is how to make it work with me and W. We'll have to try to get along for the sake of her children-but I guess that can wait.

[movinon05]

You're making this all sound very sanitary and logical. In a perfect world, it would all work out the way you suggest. I have seen a few examples of that working, but, VERY FEW!

 

You are not allowing for a very big variable - and that is EMOTION! Never underestimate what most likely - realistically - could happen under these circumstances.

[GreenEyedLady]

If I were you, I wouldn't get in the middle of them...this is between them...

 

As for the lying to her part, I think if I was in your position, I would just tell her to talk to her H...lying isn't a good idea and if it is a no-fault state there's even less of a reason to lie...

 

I was lied to by mine...and it hurts and it makes you feel STUPID...now the W KNOWS that you lied to her if all of a sudden PRESTO you're with her H now...so why lie about that?

[vanilla chai]

Does this guy really think everything is going to go smoothly? you two are in for a reality check.when the bw wife goes beserk, he'll wish he did things the right way.

[GreenEyedLady]

Does this guy really think everything is going to go smoothly? you two are in for a reality check.when the bw wife goes beserk, he'll wish he did things the right way.

 

That's real helpful...

[Babybird]

Let me get this straight:OKay so he's thinking about divorce, she's wondering if she should be thinking about divorce, and no divorce is actually happening! At the same time she thought they were working on things and he's talking to you about forever. She has no reason to lie.

 

She is aware that he came to your house and trusts that there is nothing going on. She wants your insight on the relationship because you seem to be someone he can trust and talk to. She has no reason not to trust you...for now.

 

It will hurt her un-necessarily if she finds out you're having an affair with him. Distance yourself from her. Explain you don't want to be put in the middle of their relationship. Don't let her think you're her friend or she will feel twice as betrayed.

 

Honestly, like most MM having an affair, he needs to sh*t or get off the pot. He should be totally freaked that his W is calling his OW!!! He doesn't seemed phased by it. Thats just weird.

[meinmke]

LOL-ok everything is kind of crashing quicker than MM and I wanted it to, but I have to laugh and come to terms with the circumstances. I am trying to think rationally-yes emotions are involved with everyone-but my only responsibilities are first my child, then me!

 

He has not just mentioned to his wife that he is thinking about a divorce, he told her he wants to have a divorce and they need to figure out what they want to do with their house, arrangement for placement/custody. (this is all according to him-as I wasn't there for the conversation)

 

Just walking out of a marriage takes considerable thought and planning. Financially, he's just not able to walk out-becasue their is a house and kids involved.

Also according to him-she is trying to "save" their marriage-but he feels its too late and he has already made his decision. He avoids her as much as he can, they have been sleeping in seperate bedrooms, he walks out of the room when she enters the room-eat dinner seperately-etc...Oh and both of them are not wearing their wedding bands. Wife even admitted to me in an early conversation that she isn't wearing her band either.

 

So I think he is making the steps to get the divorce...she on the otherhand thinks their marriage is salvagable.

No, I am not telling her we are having an A. That is up to mm, if he wants to tell her and I'll respect and deal with whatever decision we wants to make with that one.

In my last conversation with W, she commented that she and MM were talking, splitting a bottle of wine-talking and he announced he was leaving to see me. (Well if I was W, that would be a definate sign that marriage is over-forget about the sexual part-I would be more worried if H had an emotional connection to another W.) So after she told me that-all my response was-"that's interesting"

Then I confronted MM about it, he says he was eating dinner and he usually has wine with dinner-she poured herself a glass and sat down next to him-then he was done eating so he came over.

I think MM did think everythign would work out smoothly. I think he's taking steps to leave his marriage but one of the things is that he wants W to agree that their marriage is over but he's seeing that it is not working out that way.

Me, I gave him a deadline about a month ago-of where we need to be in our relationship or I am out of his life-he knows I am strong enough to walk away. I know it will be hard but I got into this relationship knowing what I am doing, knowing I have to walk away as soon as I thought I wasn't benefiting from the relationship. So now I'm just trying to pull myself together-told him my timelime might have changed a bit due to the new situation.