Nervousknots Posted January 27, 2007 Share Posted January 27, 2007 I have been married for 8 years, and my marriage has not been good from day one. I have put up with a lot - including my husband's cocaine habit (it's gone now), a serious drinking problem (not the problem it once was, but nevertheless, still a problem), and a really bad temper. Although he doesn't hit me (I would never put up with that), he has put me through the ringer over the years. I am an attractive women, but I gained 50 lbs with my first child. I am slowly losing that weight, but I think the reason I stayed with my husband for so many years is that I thought I couldn't do any better. Once upon a time, I was well liked, and I was never without a boyfriend. I was always getting hit on when I went out, and after my child was born, that stopped. My husband and I are about as opposite as you can get - we don't really have anything in common. It wasn't a problem to me when we were dating and I was really in love, but I'm not in love with him anymore. The years of him staying out all night, drinking heavily and calling me every bad name in the book took it's toll. I think now he is trying hard to make up for that, but for me, I think it's too late. I have wanted to leave him for years, but I am scared. I can't afford to raise my 2 kids by myself, and knowing what I know about his past, I think he might turn into a dead beat dad. I met a man through friends, who is also married, but separated. We started talking and emailing each other often. I really feel like he is my soulmate. He is definately getting a divorce soon. I have no idea how he feels about me, except that I know he does have some feelings or we wouldn't be talking and emailing each other so much. I want to tell him how I feel about him, and I guess I'll have to see what his reaction is before I decide to do anything, but more than anything else, I can see myself growing old with him. He is the kindest person I think I have ever met. I am extremely nervous about telling him how I feel, because we have only been talking for about a month. I need help! Should I tell him I think I am in love with him? He knows that I am in an unhappy marriage. His spouse and mine have the same "Type A" personalities - we are both the opposite - very laid back and go with the flow kind of people. I'm so nervous about telling him how I feel - if he doesn't have the same type of feelings for me, I'm sure our talking and emails will stop. Those are what have kept my spirits up lately. Any advice for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 27, 2007 Share Posted January 27, 2007 Caution! It's easy to be "soulmates" from a distance when you don't live together, share day-to-day life, children, bills, jobs, monetary issues, cleaning and laundry, bad habits and the other stressors that can wreak havoc on a marriage. Fantasy relationships usually end up being just that and nothing more. If you're going to leave your husband then do so because the marriage is unsound. Don't do so for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted January 27, 2007 Share Posted January 27, 2007 You said your Husband is trying hard to make up (correct) his past mistakes. You should give your husband an honest chance here, he may REALLY be trying to change his behavior, but whatever you do DON'T cheat on him, that's not fair to anyone! Link to post Share on other sites
FlyingHigh Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 My husband and I are about as opposite as you can get - we don't really have anything in common. It wasn't a problem to me when we were dating and I was really in love, but I'm not in love with him anymore. Amazing how "easy" it is to step out of reality into fantasy, isn't it? Whatever happened to your committment "FOR BETTER FOR WORSE UNTIL DEATH DO YOU PART?" You two weren't "opposite" then, were you? Yet, suddenly when some "OUTSIDE" person comes into your life who makes you FORGET the realities of your mundane life and dilemmas, you see "stars". Have you ever considered that keeping a "marriage" means work? Reread your first paragraph... I am an attractive women, but I gained 50 lbs with my first child. I am slowly losing that weight, but I think the reason I stayed with my husband for so many years is that I thought I couldn't do any better. Once upon a time, I was well liked, and I was never without a boyfriend. I was always getting hit on when I went out, and after my child was born, that stopped. My husband and I are about as opposite as you can get - we don't really have anything in common. It wasn't a problem to me when we were dating and I was really in love, but I'm not in love with him anymore. The years of him staying out all night, drinking heavily and calling me every bad name in the book took it's toll. I think now he is trying hard to make up for that, but for me, I think it's too late. It's all about "I" ---YOU, isn't? You are justifying, validating reasons why you are about to have an affair. Then reread the rest of your post. Every sentence starts with the infamous "I".... I need help! Should I tell him I think I am in love with him? You honestly think that this will help you? What do you want to hear from readers? That it's okay to have an affair because LIFE suddenly threw you a curve ball? Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 I agree with, Mudge. This guy may feel like a soulmate, but it could be the circumstances you're in that are causing those feelings. I don't know what to say about your marriage. On the one hand you did take a vow. But on the other, it sounds like there were several ways that your husband didn't quite live up to his. I can tell you think your feelings for him are irretrievable. One thing that I think would be wise is to not create situations in which you are being unfaithful. I don't think it puts you on any kind of moral high ground to be developing a relationship with someone while deceiving someone else. If you are going to get out of your marriage, do that based on the quality of your marriage, and respect yourself and your husband in the process. Keep in mind that the other guy's feelings could easily change after you become fully available to him. So figure you're leaving the marriage to be on your own, not to run into the arms of someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
iron_m Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 I have been married for 8 years, and my marriage has not been good from day one. I have put up with a lot - including my husband's cocaine habit (it's gone now), a serious drinking problem (not the problem it once was, but nevertheless, still a problem), and a really bad temper. Although he doesn't hit me (I would never put up with that), he has put me through the ringer over the years. I am an attractive women, but I gained 50 lbs with my first child. I am slowly losing that weight, but I think the reason I stayed with my husband for so many years is that I thought I couldn't do any better. Once upon a time, I was well liked, and I was never without a boyfriend. I was always getting hit on when I went out, and after my child was born, that stopped. My husband and I are about as opposite as you can get - we don't really have anything in common. It wasn't a problem to me when we were dating and I was really in love, but I'm not in love with him anymore. The years of him staying out all night, drinking heavily and calling me every bad name in the book took it's toll. I think now he is trying hard to make up for that, but for me, I think it's too late. I have wanted to leave him for years, but I am scared. I can't afford to raise my 2 kids by myself, and knowing what I know about his past, I think he might turn into a dead beat dad. I met a man through friends, who is also married, but separated. We started talking and emailing each other often. I really feel like he is my soulmate. He is definately getting a divorce soon. I have no idea how he feels about me, except that I know he does have some feelings or we wouldn't be talking and emailing each other so much. I want to tell him how I feel about him, and I guess I'll have to see what his reaction is before I decide to do anything, but more than anything else, I can see myself growing old with him. He is the kindest person I think I have ever met. I am extremely nervous about telling him how I feel, because we have only been talking for about a month. I need help! Should I tell him I think I am in love with him? He knows that I am in an unhappy marriage. His spouse and mine have the same "Type A" personalities - we are both the opposite - very laid back and go with the flow kind of people. I'm so nervous about telling him how I feel - if he doesn't have the same type of feelings for me, I'm sure our talking and emails will stop. Those are what have kept my spirits up lately. Any advice for me? well... As I see it, you are not leaving your husband because of his past mistakes, but because you found someone else you like more. My advice would be: 1) Blame your husband for everything 2) Leave him, tell him there is no one else, just him not being good enough 3) 2 days later move in with your best friend, if he questions you, tell him it all happend overnight. 4) give LS address to your husband so he can have some insight I am joking, of course... Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Nervous, Take it from me...involving another man in your life right now will only make your life more confusing and it will hurt a lot of people. An affair will hurt you, your husband, the other man, and your children. If people find out about it, it will destroy you in many ways. Deal with your relationship with your husband FIRST, then find someone else if that's what you want. Knowing a man for a month...and leaving your husband for him is crazy! Why does it matter what the other man thinks of you? If he says he loves you will that prompt you to leave your husband? There are never guarantees in life...even if he tells you he loves you, he may not love you 1 or 2 months from now. He just separated from his wife, so he's probably on the rebound. It sounds like you're afraid to be alone, which I can certainly understand. Yet, this is something you should deal with IMHO. I am in a similar situation except my emotional affair is with someone I have known for 10 years and my husband is verbally and physically abusive. Even in my case where the decision is so black and white, there is a lot of confusion that is not pleasant. We have managed to remain non-physical, but even so, others probably do not look upon our situation well. Like I said before, deal with your marriage first and find someone else later. Link to post Share on other sites
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