A weird situation, help please...

[Equate]

Bear with me...

 

2 years I ago I got together with my current girlfriend. Things are great between us -- in fact, remarkable -- except one thing. Unfortunately, I've never been able to get over her past. She didn't do a whole lot, but compared to me, it was a world of a difference. That said, for the first couple months of the relationship I managed, but then I heard something else from her that completely changed everything. Now I haven't been able to cope. Well, let me rephrase that: I have been able to cope, but have suffered internally because I stuck through it. But I wanted to be with her, so it seemed right. Right?

 

So after that point where things changed, I came upon the realization that, sooner or later, she would get sick of having to deal with her past (occassionally, I would bring the topic up, usually just to clear my mind -- didn't always work, though). So I forced myself to break up with her; however, she pulled me back immediately, telling me that she was in it for the long run. My gut feeling was that, although she feels this now, in two months, a year, whatever time length, there would come a day where she will get fed up with me and simply leave. I tried to break it off with her numerous times, but I never got anywhere with it. Finally, I just settled in and stuck through it all.

 

Two and a half years later, I'm still in the same situation. We've moved to the same University, so I am practically free of reminds (which were constant in high school). Now things just keep getting worse again. And finally, one night, I brought the topic up hoping that she would respond with what I wanted to hear. Instead, she flipped out.

 

To make a long story short, she's beginning to lose what we had together. I told her that it is no different than if I had cancer; I tried to break it off before, she refused to accept that, she told me she would be here for me, and now she's on the verge of leaving.

 

But fair enough. I can understand how somebody in her situation would feel like leaving is the best option. Nobody wants to be reminded of their past by the one they love.

 

Still, I can't help but feel that I'm being screwed over now; the issue of our maintaining the relationship is not whether or not I can change, because I have clearly proved over the course of two years that I cannot. Rather, our relationship now depends entirely on her committment and dedication (or lack of) to me.

 

So what do you think I should do? Just for your information, I posted numerous times last year to find out what I should do. Now I'm further in and things just aren't working out. Except that I don't want to break up with her because I love her.

 

I should also point out that is she spending more time, and excessively "flirting", if you will, with guys around here. Worst of all, they are my friends, but I'm not always around them. In fact, one night a couple of us went out and she was constantly attentive to this guy. I tried to get her attention but I couldn't. She maybe said two words to me the whole night -- and she invited me to come.

 

Things are really turning for the worse. She just isn't the same anymore; she's open to people, but at the same time, she doesn't want to break up with me cause she's very attached to me. I'd hate to be the one to break it off here.

 

Does anybody have anything to add? I'd greatly appreciate the input.

 

Thanks,

[Tony T]

Your lady wanted to work it out...YOU are the one who couldn't handle things...YOU are the one who made her miserable....YOU are the one who worked diligently to drive her away....so why are you now upset about it???

 

This thing isn't going to work. Give it up. You are totally incapable of forgetting things in her past that she told you about (her serious mistake, overestimating you).

 

It's very clear that she cannot open up to you because you can't handle it. You are the very wrong person for her. She realizes that and she realizes that no matter how hard she tries, you just won't get over her past.

 

Now, you have come to your senses as she is leaving. There's an old saying, "Love knows not its own depth except in the hour of separation." That's very true. We seldom realize just how much somebody means to us until we have done everything we can to drive them away.

 

Well, it seems you have been quite successful at driving her away. Live with it.

 

I'm assuming you've tried to talk to her and convince her that you are ready to let things go. You probably have and she doesn't believe a word you say.

 

This is one of life's lessons that we all have to learn. If you can't handle something about somebody, leave them instead of bringing pain into their lives. You brought a lot of hurt into the life of your lady and she's had enough.

 

Do the humane thing, let her go, and find somebody to love whose past you can accept and not bring up to them all the time. Better yet, when you meet somebody let them keep their past private. What somebody has done before they meet you is none of your business unless they have some serious disease they could give you.

 

Peace!

[Equate]

As much as I tend to agree with some of your points, the simple fact is that two years ago I warned her I couldn't change and I tried to break up with her.

 

She made the choice to stick with me.

 

Sure, my problem still drove her away, but she made the committment to me in the first place. I've been very honest with her and told her that I appreciate how she feels and I would feel the same way, but I can't help but feel that I am getting screwed over here because she's backing out on me.

[Ed]

In your second post you said, "two years ago I warned her I couldn't change"

 

YES, YOU CAN CHANGE! If you WANT to, you can!

 

and

 

"I tried to break up with her"

 

Does she have some kind of power over you...preventing you from doing what you want to do? She can no more prevent you from breaking up with her than I can!

 

She did stick with you, despite your feelings about her past. You suggest she should have broken up with you sooner. Would that have made you feel better?

 

You have not been screwed, figuratively. You have setup this situation all by yourself. There are not many people that would blame her for distancing herself from you under these circumstances. A person can have their past thrown up in their face only so many times before they peel away from the ever-present punishment and take a path that allows them to move on.

 

I think you should leave her alone and find someone else that meets your idea of "ideal".

 

Of course, you could always change.

[yes]

what's so disastrous about her past that you cannot get over it, if i may ask?

 

-yes

[Equate]

The odd thing is, not a whole lot. I came into the relationship have done absolutely nothing sexual, whereas she had. (everything but sex) You may think that means nothing, but to me, it is a whole other dimension. I guess I got my over-sensitivity-with-regards-to-sex from my mother... she was the same way with my father.

 

So her past really isn't that bad -- but to me, it means a lot. And no, I can't get over it. I've been hitting my head on this for 2 1/2 years now and I still can't let it go. I don't know why. It's become more an obsession than anything; as soon as I hear a familiar name or see anything that reminds me of it, my mind completely tunes out everything else. Its actually really frustrating when your trying to have a conversation or read a book, or almost anything that involves communication for that matter. I get distracted so easily and I just get lost in it.

 

And the worst part is I know who it was and the general details. In retrospect, I wish I had just asked a general question. But I can't change it now...

 

Regardless, what was a miniscule problem got worse exponentially, and now I just can't handle it. She broke up with me a couple of hours ago, so it's not an issue anymore... hopefully I can change things with someone else.

 

Thanks for the help Tony, I know you replied to a number of similar posts of mine way back... and you haven't changed your opinion

[yes]

the details is what ruined it for you ...

i notice that knowing in general about a partner's past doesnt bother ppl, but once u get into the specifics, it starts to drive them nuts!

 

i just never never discuss my past, except for telling 'em - no, i dont have STDs ... and i've had x boyfriends. That's IT!

 

So next time, if the gal tries to tell you details - just cut it off & tell her you DON'T wanna know!

 

 

 

it's too bad that happened to you... good luck in the future.

 

-yes

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by Equate

one night, I brought the topic up hoping that she would respond with what I wanted to hear. Instead, she flipped out...Nobody wants to be reminded of their past by the one they love..

 

You're right, no one does. I've had a similar problem with my current relationship. My counseler just told me that I HAD to get over it, just get past it, and the fact that it keeps coming up is MY fault. And NEVER use the past as a way to manipulate a reaction that you want out of your loved one..that's just wrong.

 

our relationship now depends entirely on her committment and dedication (or lack of) to me.

 

So what do you think I should do? Just for your information, I posted numerous times last year to find out what I should do. Now I'm further in and things just aren't working out. Except that I don't want to break up with her because I love her.

 

OK so you love her too much to break up with her, yet you DONT love her enough to get past HER past....which from what I understand doesn't involve you anyway...

 

I should also point out that is she spending more time, and excessively "flirting", if you will, with guys around here. Worst of all, they are my friends, but I'm not always around them. In fact, one night a couple of us went out and she was constantly attentive to this guy. I tried to get her attention but I couldn't. She maybe said two words to me the whole night -- and she invited me to come.

 

Well what do you EXPECT!!!! She's trying to wake your ass up! Do you love her or do you NOT love her. Because loving someone means loving all the good AND the bad, bc that's what makes them THEM. If you can't get past that, then you are the one with the problem. IF you really DO love her, I suggest you go to counseling...otherwise, SHE is wasting HER time with you. If you get your act together, I guarentee you, things with her will change.

[Equate]

I've already visited two councellors. Nothing has changed.

 

I've gone over this topic with my closest friends, and they say all the same things. I can't get my act together. I've tried for 2+ years, and nothing has changed. Nothing.

 

Now, just because I can't get over her past doesn't mean I don't love her -- because I can fully love her and still be bothered by something. It's not like I'm in a state where I want to change her past, because I can't and I wouldn't. I've accepted her past as her past, but I can't help being reminded of it when I know the details.

 

And what I meant exactly by bringing up the topic of her past hoping for a certain response, is that when I got thinking about it, I would formulate ideas and odd things in my mind that I knew weren't the case, but I simply couldn't convince myself they weren't true.. so I would have to hear it from her.

 

For example, if I heard a name when she was in the same place as me, and I knew she heard it to, I might ask sometime later, "did you think about anything at all when you heard that name?". From my viewpoint, that is not attacking her. I can't clear my mind myself, so I try to get her to do it for me. It's an incapability I developed, I suppose: I get ahold of a detail, regardless of its magnitude, and I can make things out of it.

 

So that's my story. We're done now, and I suppose we'll talk once in a while, but ultimately I know that she will be better off. I can say that I will feel better not having to deal with her past, but I would rather have her and deal with it. That's the way I've always been -- I would go through it to be with her. Sometimes you just have to make sacrifices, I guess. Not every relationship or person is perfect.

 

Scott

[butterflyz]

is not to ask too much about another person's past. I make it a habit of not allowing conversations to go into too much detail about the past only because I don't want to have anything to think about.

 

I understand your position. If I were with someone that did bizarre things that I didn't I would wonder if a sexual relationship with me would ever be enough after what he's experienced. I guess you don't know until you are in that situation to know what to do, and you are in that situation (I haven't been in that situation).

 

the only advice I can give you is to try to build your relationship on today. don't ask her questions anymore or bring up the subject. If i were in your shoes i wouldn't ask any questions, or ask to know names or anything about the people she was involved with. i would only want to know.... if it somehow impacted the relationship today. as far as i'm concerned, the past is best left in the past. i don't divulge too much about my past either. i don't think it's appropriate to go into detail about that stuff - it gets the relationship off to a bad start.

 

if you can't remove yourself from it, the best thing to do is to remove yourself from the relationship and start over with someone else.

[just_a_girl]

It sounds like she prefered to stay with you for the company and not really because she 'loved' and cared for you.

 

Yes you may have drove her away because of you wanting to keep distance initially, however if her heart was there all along then she would have still been there for you.

 

I was in a relationship where a guy wanted distance, even though the relationship ended quickly because of differing relationship opinions my feelings were strong for him at the start right through to way after the relationship was over.

 

I find it hard to believe that feelings can switch off, but i guess it is possible.

 

 

Don't stress yourself out about what you may have done wrong before (ie: pushing her away), either way she still had a mind of her own the whole time.

[Dragonflys]

Dude, reading your posts is horrible

 

You are so passive agressive its sickening, I'd swear from your posts that you actually hate her guts and you are restaining yourself by putting the words as nicely as you can.

 

On the one hand you insinuate her fault that she is flirting with others, and then on the same hand insinuate that it is her fault for keeping you there...poor girl, she can't win with her past, present, or future with you..she is dead in this relationship.

 

Mate, take a train out of town, go find a rock, sit on it, and meditate there until all the hate and judgement is removed from your body. Read some books about buddhist thinking or some self help material and learn to remove judgement and have the capacity to love others in a healthy way. You are really hurting yourself every day. No-one is perfect in this world, not even you, and you need to learn to accept that.

 

Oliver

[Dragonflys]

By the way, I applaud your efforts toseek help through here, it shows you are fed up with things as the way they are and want life to be better.

But, its all you here, and you have to make serious changes to how you view life or you will be miserable forever. Stop looking for allies to join you in judgement, or try and think some way to get over this. You need to fundametally change you approach to people. You must love evryone first in a healthy way, then you will heal yourself naturally.

I truly feel very sad for you that you live with such turmoil inside your head, I've had brief moments of feeling something like this, but never this deep. All I know is, it is constant misery.

 

Change yourself man

 

Oliver