I love him but...

[Torn]

Here's the long and short of it all...

 

I've been dating this man for the past two yrs. We've had a pretty good relationship but we have some problem areas.

 

We are Dharma and Greg, very different people. I am an extrovert, he is an introvert. I love to go out, he doesn't. I have friends that I like to spend time with, he doesn't. I am more of a risk taker, he isn't.

 

There are control issues b/c he thinks that I should do the things he does, and don't do what he does not do. Therefore, because I am strong-willed, we go at it. We argue ( and I mean really argue) at least once a month. It used to be more frequent, like every other week, but I believe we have learned how to avoid arguements.

 

Other than the things that I have mentioned, he is a really great guy. He has no kids, never been married, and totally dedicated to me. He would be a very good father, jury is still out on whether or not he'd make a good husband. We're not quite ready for the altar.

 

Anyway, I have been on assignment in this city for as long as I have been with him (2yrs)and I am considereing going home for a potential career opportunity.

 

My family and friends say we need a trial seperation to put the relationship into perspective, but he is against that. Either we are together or we are not. Especially in a long distance relationship.

 

I know that if this opportunity becomes available, it may be the one I've been waiting for. But I am torn. I have prayed for a good man, and he pretty much fits the bill, but the arguements and control I couldn't live with.

 

So do I stick around for a man who may or may not be the one for me, or do I return home to a loving family and friends, comfort and convenience, and a good job?

 

I'm so torn..could you help?

[Cynthia]

First of all, how old are you? Your problem sounds a lot like mine so you have my sympathy. I have been with my partner now for five years (still not married) and we also fight a LOT and he seems to want to control me although he'll never admit to it. I have never gone for any counselling even though many people have told me it would do me a world of good. Thing is, my gut is usually right and my gut is telling me that if the arguing doesn't stop, I think I'm going to have to tell him that we are just too different. Even though we really love each other, and opposites do attract, it's the things you have in common that will keep you together. I read somewhere that, after the passion and initial attraction wears off, there had better be lots of other things there to keep you together. How true! I think you need the trial separation. We have had one and now that I've been alone for a while, I don't think I really want him to come back. It's amazing what freedom can do for you! Another thing to remember, your family and friends can see things that you don't. Good luck.

Here's the long and short of it all... I've been dating this man for the past two yrs. We've had a pretty good relationship but we have some problem areas. We are Dharma and Greg, very different people. I am an extrovert, he is an introvert. I love to go out, he doesn't. I have friends that I like to spend time with, he doesn't. I am more of a risk taker, he isn't. There are control issues b/c he thinks that I should do the things he does, and don't do what he does not do. Therefore, because I am strong-willed, we go at it. We argue ( and I mean really argue) at least once a month. It used to be more frequent, like every other week, but I believe we have learned how to avoid arguements. Other than the things that I have mentioned, he is a really great guy. He has no kids, never been married, and totally dedicated to me. He would be a very good father, jury is still out on whether or not he'd make a good husband. We're not quite ready for the altar. Anyway, I have been on assignment in this city for as long as I have been with him (2yrs)and I am considereing going home for a potential career opportunity. My family and friends say we need a trial seperation to put the relationship into perspective, but he is against that. Either we are together or we are not. Especially in a long distance relationship.

 

I know that if this opportunity becomes available, it may be the one I've been waiting for. But I am torn. I have prayed for a good man, and he pretty much fits the bill, but the arguements and control I couldn't live with. So do I stick around for a man who may or may not be the one for me, or do I return home to a loving family and friends, comfort and convenience, and a good job? I'm so torn..could you help?

[Torn]

Hi Cynthia, I just turned 27 two eeks ago. Boy can I relate, he practices a lot of control techniques and refuses to admit it even though its terribly obvious.

 

It sounds like our relationships are very similar.

 

I think evryone is right, we need a break from one another. And you're right about compatibility too. We did get involved fairly quickly and deeply. Then when the cloud rose, that's when the fighting started. I've often thought (especially after a fight) that its so hard to recapture all of the hurtful words and while you may fully realize that they were just that, hurtful words, you still have managed to lower the standards of respect.

 

I've suggested counseling, and was met with a big "no". I can't get him to share his feelings with me let alone a stranger. I think b/c he views it more as someone judging you instead of helping you. Whenever I make suggesitons he sees it as me judging him and the fight turns into a tit for tat. He doesn't want to ackowledge the problem.

 

Then there's the flip side. He's a good provider, usually very attentive to me, good family values. He's very physically attractive and usually treats me very good, until we disagree.

 

I am also reluctant in giving up b/c recently we haven't argued as much. The last was three weeks ago. I think partly b/c our last fight I told him I was going to leave him and partly b/c his work hours just changed and we only see each other on the weekends and the ocassional dinner throughout the week. But on the weekends is when it seems to blow up. That and when I want to go out with my friends, which I rarely do.

 

This weekend I am planning to tell him that I am going out with one of my girlfriends next Wednesday. I have this feeling that this will be a major issue. I guess we'll see.

 

I do have a final question for you that may seem kind of simple, but how do you seperate from someone you love and cherish despite the differences. How do you walk away and not give in a week later?

 

First of all, how old are you? Your problem sounds a lot like mine so you have my sympathy. I have been with my partner now for five years (still not married) and we also fight a LOT and he seems to want to control me although he'll never admit to it. I have never gone for any counselling even though many people have told me it would do me a world of good. Thing is, my gut is usually right and my gut is telling me that if the arguing doesn't stop, I think I'm going to have to tell him that we are just too different. Even though we really love each other, and opposites do attract, it's the things you have in common that will keep you together. I read somewhere that, after the passion and initial attraction wears off, there had better be lots of other things there to keep you together. How true! I think you need the trial separation. We have had one and now that I've been alone for a while, I don't think I really want him to come back. It's amazing what freedom can do for you! Another thing to remember, your family and friends can see things that you don't. Good luck.

[Richie]

Torn,

 

I may not answer your question directly. But i always have this question in my mind. What is the need for physical seperation? Will you part your mom or your kid or your husband to find out whether you truly love them or not? You won't think of someone when you are away if you have only PASSION for him NOT LOVE. Real love doesn't see the distance. Will you forget to love and care for your mom if you go to Europe for a year?

 

When you do physical-seperation-test, it means, You want to find out the love is still there or not. Love is something, you DO. Not that COMES to you from heaven or somewhere. Love is like a spring that comes out of you. Not like a water container poured into you. So you cannot say "There is no love water in my container". If you don't love someone, you can make yourself to love him. If you love him, you would know it. Love is abstract. You cannot see it. But you can realise it by other's actions. In other words, we can say, Love is an activity. If someone says to you, "I don't know whether i am walking or not, when i am walking. So i have to record my walking in a tape and see the tape" Won't you laugh at him? You would think, he is insane. Right? This is what anyone who thinks logically would say, when you try to find out your love through physical seperation.

 

You are the judge. You can love anyone no matter who he is and what he is. Extrovert or Introvert won't come into picture at all if you learn to accept each other as the other person is. Controlling will fade away once he realises that he cannot do that.

 

Counselling has become a kind of fashion among our people. People go to counselling even if their car doesn't start at the first attempt. ('My car doesn't like me. We are growing apart. We want to break up. I think, we need seperation etc..')

 

Take care,

 

Richie