Author pricillia Posted January 29, 2007 Author Share Posted January 29, 2007 That's a good question - why did you fall for him in the beginning? What did he do for you that made you really like him, so much that you started to have feelings for him? What needs did he fill? I feel safe when I am with him, he makes me laugh, and I feel a genuine care and compassion towards him. He is unique and I feel he is very talented. I think about ways to make him happy and things that would make us happy. I also know that he is insecure about relationships and over reacts and gets jealous, but that has stopped probably becuase he is moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I feel safe when I am with him, he makes me laugh, and I feel a genuine care and compassion towards him. He is unique and I feel he is very talented. Safe, like he would take care of you if you needed it? Safe, like you felt your emotions were safe with him, that he'd treat your heart gently? Or safe, like he took care of everything (planning dates, picking you up, bringing you home, chivalrous behavior) so that all you had to do was enjoy your time together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 Safe, like he would take care of you if you needed it? Safe, like you felt your emotions were safe with him, that he'd treat your heart gently? Or safe, like he took care of everything (planning dates, picking you up, bringing you home, chivalrous behavior) so that all you had to do was enjoy your time together? safe that he would take care of me if I needed it, like my emotions are safe, I know that the marriage has complicated my feelings toward him greatly and I can not give my self 100 permission to have that normal trusting relationship. But it is so complicated now that there is really no going foward with it... I am just sad because mabye if I just handeled myself better, smarter it would have been different. Link to post Share on other sites
BedRoomVoice Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I am new. So Sorry I havent read your story fully. Are you with or without your MAN? Why is he jealous ? Or over react? I might have totally misunderstood you. But do you do things just to make the relationship have interest? Do you try and make him jealous to see if he will still be interested? If that is the case. You might be actually scaring him away. Were he might see drama with you but stablity at home. Just my thoughts here. Sorry if I am completely wrong. safe that he would take care of me if I needed it, like my emotions are safe, I know that the marriage has complicated my feelings toward him greatly and I can not give my self 100 permission to have that normal trusting relationship. But it is so complicated now that there is really no going foward with it... I am just sad because mabye if I just handeled myself better, smarter it would have been different. Link to post Share on other sites
stillhere Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 safe that he would take care of me if I needed it, like my emotions are safe, I know that the marriage has complicated my feelings toward him greatly and I can not give my self 100 permission to have that normal trusting relationship. But it is so complicated now that there is really no going foward with it... I am just sad because mabye if I just handeled myself better, smarter it would have been different. P, you did nothing wrong. OK? Please believe that. No matter what you did or did not do, it wouldn't have made a difference. Chances are, he never planned on leaving. I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you love, believe me, i do, but you're only torturing yourself with the "what if's". You are having a rough patch in your life, but it will get better. I promise you it will. You are slipping into depression and you need to pull yourself out before you get in too deep. I know that money is tight, so a therapist may be out of the question for right now, so keep talking to us. We are here for you. And the first thing you need to understand is that THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT. Link to post Share on other sites
BedRoomVoice Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I am sorry I just read a reply post. I didnt know it was over for you. Sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 Bed room, yeah you are totally off... but who knows any more... Link to post Share on other sites
BedRoomVoice Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Again I am sorry Bed room, yeah you are totally off... but who knows any more... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 safe that he would take care of me if I needed it, like my emotions are safe, I know that the marriage has complicated my feelings toward him greatly and I can not give my self 100 permission to have that normal trusting relationship. But it is so complicated now that there is really no going foward with it... I am just sad because mabye if I just handeled myself better, smarter it would have been different. No, there is no point going forward with it because he can't meet your #1 and #2 needs: to take care of you if you need it and to treat your emotions with care. He's not capable of it, even if he weren't married. There is nothing you could have done better or smarter with him to have made him leave his wife - no matter what you did with him, the outcome would have been the same. What you could have handled better is, obviously, to have dumped him once you found out he was married. I can only imagine you didn't because you must have been very lonely at the time and were willing to settle for "something rather than nothing" in your life. I'm sure you know that's not the best thing for you, though, as it only prolongs the ending. Actually, I was asking what drew you to him because I was thinking about your next relationship - I'm under the impression that you give your heart and trust away too quickly, too freely to men - before they ever do anything to really earn it, maybe because you really want to believe in them. I know it's hard to control emotions, but you can control the pace of a relationship, take it slowly. It's also good if you can teach yourself to expect more from a man, and to let him go if he doesn't give you what you expect. Link to post Share on other sites
Can'tGiveUp Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 (((Pricillia))) Have no idea if this is what you need, but I'm going to tell you a few things about me, and what I have found out about myself recently. I am now almost 40 days NC with MM. It was essentially a mutual end and we had one "friendly" break in NC. By that I mean a couple of short emails. I have a very poor body image and frequently don't believe I deserve to have a wonderful man in my life and often believe it will never happen again. That's on my worst days. On my better days I will acknowledge that I am not bad looking and yeah, maybe I'll find someone...someday. Occasionally I believe what I am told, that I am beautiful, that I do have an amazing body, that I am not fat...and on those days I know that it is just a matter of time 'til I meet that someone. I am having more of the better days lately. (yeah...classic low self esteem issues) When MM and I were apart for over a year, I found that the only men I seemed to attract were unavailable in one way or another (married, lived in other cities, seemingly unsurmountable age differences and any combination of those) What I realized is that it was not that I was a target for these types, but that when I was around them I was friendlier, and more open, more sociable. I was subconciously closing myself off to single available guys and being myself with those that were unavailable. This time I am making myself go out and be social. Making an effort to talk to people and trying to be open to all. The way I look at it, it can't hurt to make friends. And while I am not ready to date anyone, it doesn't mean I can't go out and dance with guys and have fun. And with all of these friends...well you never know what might happen in the future. And yes the ending with MM still hurts to this day and I still think about him a lot and my heart is still broken. But I am not going to allow it to break me. You are strong and you will get through this and someday there will be someone who is deserving of your love. For now, you will mourn the loss of this relationship, but instead of wondering what you did wrong with MM, you can look forward and decide what to do differently with your next relationship. Edited to add...it sounds like I am very focused on the physical part...I guess I am because I am very confident about myself when it comes to intelligence and success in my career etc... Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Pricillia I'm sorry you are going through this. You didn't mention why or when he stopped calling. Is it possible you were becoming higher maintenance for him with all the problems occuring with your personal life? That you weren't that break from reality for him anymore? Also did this break happen to occur when your living situation changed and getting together wasn't as convenient? Justa thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Pricillia, Beware of who is offering advice here. On another forum, you are named Pissillia & they take the info you post here & post about it overthere. I'm sure as you read this, someone will be talking about me, calfspleen. Hang in there sweetie. There are some here who truely want to help. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Pricillia, Beware of who is offering advice here. On another forum, you are named Pissillia & they take the info you post here & post about it overthere. I'm sure as you read this, someone will be talking about me, calfspleen. Hang in there sweetie. There are some here who truely want to help. Kathleen I really think you are not helping anyone with all this talk and gossip of other message board. I think you are trying to cause trouble where none exists. Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I am not in no way trying to start trouble. But you would just love to have me banned now wouldn't you? I am here just like you are to offer advice. That's what I have been doing. Link to post Share on other sites
ALTTITUDE Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 This is why I questioned myself with registering to this forum. Kathleen I really think you are not helping anyone with all this talk and gossip of other message board. I think you are trying to cause trouble where none exists. Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Sorry if we gave you a bad impression of LS. It is great here. Welcome to the forum!! Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 HI Pris! Please don't feel badly or embarassed as you've no reason to be. You are not a criminal, you are just like the rest of us doing our best to take care of ourselves. So sorry that your living situation isn't going well. I am slapping that mean old lady for waking you in the middle of the night! That was just mean and uncalled for. You are NOT a loser by doing what seemed best for you and what SHE agreed. She is letting you down and you do NOT deserve to be treated like that--you have to get up and go to work to earn the $$ she expects--so why is the crazy thing sabotaging that? That was rhetorical question, as no one knows why crazy people do what they do? As for giving MM his hat: sometimes "things" become "power objects" that we use for reactions. Such as the well used "leaving the earrings" at a man's place in hopes he use that as an excuse to call and let us know that he has the earrings, but also to invite us back. Or just that he will CALL. The fact is he calls because he WANTS to. Even if we called and said, "did you find my earrings?" he may never say, "when can I see you, again?" His hat was just that and only that to him-- a hat--he may see nothing else about it (men are quite dense). If he isn't calling you don't have to sit and wait, do you? You've been with him for a long time so why wait--you have the right to ask about what is going on... He may have the hat, but YOU have the brain, the courage and the heart. There is no little man behind the curtains pulling strings...walk your little Ruby slippers to where you need to go and get yourself some answers! That isn't ghetto (and I resent him using such as an excuse!), that is a proud woman under her own power. Ghetto my a$$. If he wants to see some ghetto--humph--he'd better start looking elsewhere! Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Kathleen I really think you are not helping anyone with all this talk and gossip of other message board. I think you are trying to cause trouble where none exists. This is why I questioned myself with registering to this forum. Hahaa! wonders never end around here!!! So this is your sock puppet NF...you kept going on and on about multiple accounts and what did I say huh,huh,huh? I said something along the lings of every skunk smells there own stink first and there you are!!! well nice to meet you sock, guess what I now have a puppet of my own...guess who it is?? Link to post Share on other sites
LNF_Clone Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Well don't point the finger at me LNF wacko stalker cause it sure isn't me!!! I'm not afraid I'm wearing a tie you go home Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 Pricillia I'm sorry you are going through this. You didn't mention why or when he stopped calling. Is it possible you were becoming higher maintenance for him with all the problems occuring with your personal life? That you weren't that break from reality for him anymore? Also did this break happen to occur when your living situation changed and getting together wasn't as convenient? Justa thought. no, I never talk to him about any of my issues. so that is not the problem Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 no, I never talk to him about any of my issues. so that is not the problem are you serious? Then what were you getting out of this relationship if you never even talked about your problems? Isn't that what a relationship is about? Loving and emotionally supporting one another? I think you will find you will eventually be in a much better place with him gone. Link to post Share on other sites
BedRoomVoice Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Have you thought about asking him to go to therapy? That could help you both out. Link to post Share on other sites
stillhere Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Have you thought about asking him to go to therapy? That could help you both out. BRV, i'm sorry to say this, but it is NOT NORMAL for a MM and his OW to go to therapy together. A therapist will more than likely laugh you both out of his/her office. Link to post Share on other sites
BedRoomVoice Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 I havent asked the therapist yet I dont have an appt yet. He just agreed to pay last night. BRV, i'm sorry to say this, but it is NOT NORMAL for a MM and his OW to go to therapy together. A therapist will more than likely laugh you both out of his/her office. Link to post Share on other sites
Kathleen Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 I'm shaking my head in disbelief here. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
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