general feedback required (thanx)

[Just A Girl2]

I had made fairly good friends with a guy i was interested in while at the end of a long-term relationship. Once the long term relationship ended i quickly started to date this new guy, Mr X. The new guy had told me that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship because he was in a serious relationship (over a year long) before me and hurt himself and the other person when he ended the relationship. At the time i also wasn't wanting a serious relationship because i had just come out of a much longer relationship. He had also told me that he didnt want anything serious and therefore if anyone else come along for either of us it would be less hurtful to seperate.

 

During the course of time that we dated (which was only a few weeks) i found myself feeling very fond of him and hoping that the relationship would develop into something more. I had told him how attached i was starting to get and he said he felt the same. Not too long after i found out that he was meeting up with another girl (supposely with a group of friends), he was interested in this girl but assured me that nothing was gonna happen while he was with me.

 

I quickly jumped to conclusions and decided to talk it out with him and try and resolve the issue saying that if he was going to continue seeing me, it had to be only me. He said he wasn't going to change his ways and i didn't wanna change my point of view either so the relationship ended that day as us parting as friends.

 

I later found out that he is dating this other girl and has for a few

months now. He tells me that he isn't having a serious relationship with this girl either, however from other statements he makes it sounds like he is planning to pursue it further. They already broke up once and got back together and he said to me at the time that he didn't wanna see anyone else, he really cares for her. Ofcourse over the time that we weren't together i got extremely upset and angry and said alot of nasty things to him, some of which i still believe are truthful.

 

What i wonder is, can a guy that has previously had a committed

relationship have one thats not, then go back to being committed again? Or is it more likely that he will end up cheating on this girl also.

 

Unfortunately i still care for him quite alot, but his feelings for me

surely have disappeared. He claims that because i got nasty towards him after we broke up that he doesn't see me the same way anymore. I know for a fact that i wouldn't be like that again. I find it very hard to move on past this relationship, dispite the small amount of time we spent together. Any advice?

 

By the way, i find it ironic that i wasn't allowed to stop him from

seeing other girls, but his new girlfriend doesn't like me and him

being friends (because i am his ex) and he is abiding by her wishes, to a point. We still talk when we see each other, but i'm the one usually initiation conversation.

 

 

-- From Emotionally Destroyed

 

 

PS: Sorry i dragged on so much. I just though it should all be covered for the full idea of the situation. :-S

[clia]

Well, what probably happened was when he was with you, he wasn't ready to be committed, and then he met this new girl and decided he was.

 

Sh** happens.

 

You need to work on moving on. He obviously has feelings for this other girl, and doesn't feel that way about you anymore, if he ever did. But, you really have no idea what his intentions are with her.

 

Look, you ended things, which I think was the right thing for you to do. The two of you wanted different things out of the relationship, so to stay in the relationship would have led you to nothing but more heartache. Although, IMO you pressed him for exclusivity way, way too soon.

 

I think all you can do here is chalk this up as a learning experience and move on. We've all made mistakes. Just note what you could have done differently, and do it with the next guy you meet. For future reference, if you still have hopes of getting together with someone, it's best not to get nasty toward them. To guys, that = psycho. (Especially since you only dated him for a few weeks.) If you are mad at a guy and think he's a jerk, write a big letter to him, pour out all your feelings, and then don't send it. It works wonders and the guy never has to know how you feel.

[Tony T]

He has every right to pursue anybody he wants. There is no way we can know what's going on inside his mind but to answer your question it is very possible he has chosen this other lady as a rebound rather than you. In any case, it's not likely to last.

 

Why do you want to waste your energy screwing your mind over this? He's seeing this other girl and you need to move on. There is absolutely no purpose whatsoever in analyzing this at this point in time.

 

If a guy sees you and decides anywhere in the process he wants to pursue someone else, accept it and deal with it. Do you want to be with a guy who wants to be with someone else, for whatever reason?

 

By the same token, if you are ever with a guy and suddenly lose interest and prefer to explore another relationship, I urge you to do so for the sake of honesty, fairness to both of you and kindness to yourself.

 

I know this hurts but your best route now is to heal and move on. Let this man live his own life, and you live yours. Just forget about it. What good will it do you to spend all this time pulling yourself down when this thing is OVER. You cannot trust him ever again.

[Just A Girl2]

Well i must add the last time that i spoke to him he said that he probably would have continued to date me if i hadn't said i wanted him to only see me, therefore in my opinion he was going to keep going out with me as his girlfriend and se this other girl at the same time and see where they both lead. It sounds like he couldn't make up his mind but i helped him along because i didn't wanna feel second best in a relationship.

 

Sure i wasn't looking for anything serious, but i wasn't going to let my b/f (at the time) see other girls he considered pursuing relationships with while with me. I have no issues what so ever being with someone and them having any number of female friends.

 

In some ways i think even tho i am now single and have been since it all happened, i got the better end of the deal. He was wanting to see me and this other girl and because i put a stop to my side of it he persisted with her. It still doesn't make me feel any happier about the situation, but we still communication so its livable.

[just_a_girl]

I guess the hardest thing now is for me to move on. I don't know how to 'move on'. I still think about him every day, i miss so many things about the small relationship we had.

 

I sometimes wish i could switch my brain off because i find nothing i do helps me stop thinking about him whether it be good or bad stuff.

 

Ofcourse whenever i see him (cause we study at the same place) it is very difficult for me because all my feelings for him come rushing back soo strongly.

 

 

Any further advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanx.

[just_a_girl]

Originally posted by clia

For future reference, if you still have hopes of getting together with someone, it's best not to get nasty toward them. To guys, that = psycho. (Especially since you only dated him for a few weeks.) If you are mad at a guy and think he's a jerk, write a big letter to him, pour out all your feelings, and then don't send it. It works wonders and the guy never has to know how you feel.

 

I know what you mean. But then i have also heard the saying that if someone likes/loves or cares for you enough sometimes it doesn't matter what you say or do.

 

In my opinion i really didn't get tooo nasty, i could have been a lot worse. I basically just called him a lier, cheater, careless, etc and many other things with reasoning behind pretty much all of it at the time.

 

I guess i should be thankful we are still friends. He's already doing wrong by his new girlfriend still talking to me cause she clearly doesn't want us even communicating.

 

Thanx for you advice anyway. :-)

[Equate]

I think the answer to your problem is obvious.

 

You two weren't on the same plateau to begin with, which is fine -- most couples aren't. However, you split because of differences, and, while he was with you and even after, he kept his eyes open.

 

He wasn't satisfied/fufilled enough with you. That's not your fault, its his: some people just don't understand that just because somebody else is attractive doesn't mean they are better match, a common problem with men. Its easy for us to lose sight of what we have because there is another attractive girl in the situation.

 

Tony is right, this issue should be done. There is no point in bringing it up. He's gone, and your still stuck on something that was never really there. He just wasn't right for you. There's nothing more to say!

[clia]

You didn't say anywhere in your first post that he was your boyfriend. You said you both agreed that the relationship was not serious at first. Then you started having deeper feelings.

 

You went out with this guy for a few weeks! I'm not sure how old you are, but most people I know don't immediately become bf/gf and exclusive just because they are dating someone. They date multiple people casually at the same time, and then one person rises to the top after maybe a couple/few months, and then start seeing that person exclusively. Even you admitted you weren't looking for anything serious--hence, he's not your boyfriend. Having the bf/gf labels implies seriousness! You are contradicting yourself! Did the two of you ever discuss being exclusive and being bf/gf? If you did not, you can't assume that you were.

 

I don't necessarily think this guy did anything wrong. He was dating both of you in order to determine who was going to rise to the top. He told you in the beginning that he wasn't sure he wanted anything serious. Therefore, he was not your boyfriend and he didn't owe any type of exclusivity to you. If him seeing other people bothered you, then you were right to end things. But his behavior is not abnormal, nor mean, nor out of line, at least IMO. That's just what people do. And you bowed out, so he kept seeing her. That's all that happened here.

 

I agree with you that if someone really cares about you, you can get away with more. But, it also flows that the longer you are with someone, the more you can get away with. If you are with someone longer, they know you better and know your personality. After a few weeks (regardless that you had known him for a year), he did not know whether or not your lashing out was "the real you" or just a fluke thing. Your opinion on how nasty you were doesn't matter--only how he perceives it matters, and he obviously didn't like it.

 

Moving on is tough, and time helps. My only advice is to stay busy and try to avoid talking to him or going to places where he will be. If you keep seeing/talking to him, it's only going to make it harder for you.

[just_a_girl]

Originally posted by clia

You didn't say anywhere in your first post that he was your boyfriend. You said you both agreed that the relationship was not serious at first. Then you started having deeper feelings.

 

 

Yes he was my boyfriend at the time. He had started to tell friends that he worked with that he was seeing me (i don't know in exactly what context he told them that he was seeing me, but some of them knew about it). He was also introduced to some of my family and friends as my boyfriend and he never once said 'no were not, or wanted to discuss it with me later'. I also met some of his relatives, however i don't know whether he told them i was his girlfriend or not.

 

He does still acknowledge that we went out and his new girlfriend also has said that she knows me and him went out, therefore showing that he affirms we were together in that period of time.

 

Originally posted by clia

 

You went out with this guy for a few weeks! I'm not sure how old you are, but most people I know don't immediately become bf/gf and exclusive just because they are dating someone.

 

Sorry, i wasn't sure how much background i needed to give. We were friends before hand and once we went out a few times as friends and it developed into us kissing. We later talked about it and said how we still wanted to keep seeing each other but had differing opinions on relationships. I know now that i should have walked away when there was differing opinions, but instead i said how bout since we are both interested in each other and wanna keep seeing each other we try and see how it goes. There really was no agreement on the type of relationship and it all started out very nicely, he was very keen to hang out with me alot. But something in his mind obviously changed.

 

By the way, i'm 22. He is younger than me. I haven't been in many relationship, unfortunately for me this was the first time i was put into this kind of situation. My previous relationship was a long term relationship, 4 years.

 

Originally posted by clia

Having the bf/gf labels implies seriousness! You are contradicting yourself! Did the two of you ever discuss being exclusive and being bf/gf? If you did not, you can't assume that you were.

 

I somewhat agree with that, however i also believe that if two ppl agree on a type of relationship they want, whether they go around calling each other girlfriend and boyfriend sometimes is irrelevant.

 

I think something that did have an effect on the exclusivity of the relationship was the fact that we studied at the same location and i didn't want everyone around me to know about it initially. He had gone around telling some of his friends, but i still kept it quite. I only introduced him to some of my family and friends when we went out outside of our study location.

 

 

 

Originally posted by clia

I don't necessarily think this guy did anything wrong. He was dating both of you in order to determine who was going to rise to the top. He told you in the beginning that he wasn't sure he wanted anything serious. Therefore, he was not your boyfriend and he didn't owe any type of exclusivity to you. If him seeing other people bothered you, then you were right to end things. But his behavior is not abnormal, nor mean, nor out of line, at least IMO. That's just what people do. And you bowed out, so he kept seeing her. That's all that happened here.

 

yes i know, and i agree with that. I just wonder if i had stuck around would the situation have gotten worse or would we have still been together. I kind of wonder did he ever really care for me if he could so easily go out with another girl while with me, even if he claims it was nothing at the time. :-S

 

 

 

Originally posted by clia

I agree with you that if someone really cares about you, you can get away with more. But, it also flows that the longer you are with someone, the more you can get away with. If you are with someone longer, they know you better and know your personality. After a few weeks (regardless that you had known him for a year), he did not know whether or not your lashing out was "the real you" or just a fluke thing. Your opinion on how nasty you were doesn't matter--only how he perceives it matters, and he obviously didn't like it.

I didn't know him for a year, i knew him for a few months before we hooked up. We used to communicate quite alot online, chatting because at our study location it was difficult to talk around other people. (i know that may sounds strange, but thats a long story).

 

Yes, he has said many times he didn't like it, and i doubt he's ever let me prove i would be like that ever again. To be honest he really didn't see much of my anger, all he coped was harsh words from me. Deep down i was much more upset then angry.

 

 

 

Originally posted by clia

Moving on is tough, and time helps. My only advice is to stay busy and try to avoid talking to him or going to places where he will be. If you keep seeing/talking to him, it's only going to make it harder for you.

 

I wish it was that simple, but unfortunately we study at the same place and i refuse to change my study location over this issue. I like where i study and don't think i should sacrafice my education over this issue.

 

But i do agree, seeing and talking to him does make it much harder. :-(

[clia]

Well, as I said before, you two just weren't on the same page about what the relationship was. To me, his admitting to his new gf that he was with you for a time doesn't mean that he viewed you as his girlfriend. It just doesn't. Maybe it did, but the fact that he was seeing someone else when he was seeing you tells me he did not view you that way, and that things were still casual to him. I agree with you that labels don't mean a lot sometimes, but that line of argument only works when both people are on the exact same page in the relationship.

 

People "fall in love" at varying speeds. Some people meet someone and immediately want to see no one but that person and spend 24/7 together. For other people, it takes more time. I'm like this--I've never met anyone that I immediately fell for. For me, it takes a couple of months and getting to know that person before I get there. Especially since your guy said he didn't want something serious, I tend to think he was just taking it slow and dating around a little to see what happened.

 

I don't know what else to tell you other than that it sounds like this is over. Isn't there anywhere else you could study, at least for the next few weeks? I certainly don't think you should drastically change your life, but I think it would help to lay low in the immediate future so you don't have to see him.

[just_a_girl]

ah well, there will never be a nice ending to this story unfortunately....

 

Today i was chatting to him and his chatname was quite a graphic name (sexual references) and i jokingly commented on the name he had. I questioned whether he and his girlfriend were now having a physical relationship, yes i know its non of my business, but i was curious. I was curious because i wondered whether he really was now in a serious relationship after me or not.

 

Anyway, then the conversation lead to how i was annoyed at how he said to me he didn't want anything serious while with me, but now has changed his mind. Yeah i know ppl can change their minds, but i didn't think that fast. Deep in the back of my mind i still believe that he only went out with me for a bit of fun and nothing else. I just wanted him to tell me the truth and tell me why he didn't wanna keep seeing me or consider seeing me seriously but is with the new girlfriends.

 

In the end he didn't wanna answer my questions and just kept saying " I am not talking about anything that happened between us in the past". Ofcourse i wanted answers for my own closure, but he didn't wanna budge.

 

I decided to go to his house and try and work it out face to face, talk to him in person and see if we could be ok. I didn't tell him i was going to his house because i knew he'd say "don't come". Once i arrived i messaged his phone to tell him i was there and he said he didn't live there anymore. So i left. On the way home i tried to ring his phone to talk about it, but ofcourse he didn't answer.

 

About 5 minutes later my phone rang and it was his girlfriend, she started abusing me on the phone calling me things like 'slut, hoe, cow, bitch... etc'. I didn't respond nastily to her because it wasn't her that i had the issues with, i just said i have nothing nasty to say to u, then she hung up.

 

Later i returned to my phone and it had a message on my phone. She was basically telling me that she read his chat log and 'yes he only dated me for the fun or it and once again called me nice names'. I responded back to her and there were many messages that went back and forth. She started asking me where i lived so that she could come down and talk to me (i figured more like to bash me up).

 

After that all stopped i later recieved a phone call from guess who, it was him. He was all worked up and saying what the hell is wrong with you. Whats with these messages your having between my g/f, etc. We were on the phone for about 1 hour between me, him and her. The whole time she was trying to control the conversation.

 

At the end of the conversation he basically said 'yes' he tried being friends with me, but because i kept bringing up the past in discussions with him he was getting fed up trying to be my friend. I know for a fact that there were atleast 10% of the time that i didn't bring up stuff about the past, and he always made minimal conversation anyway so i found it difficult to really be friends that way.

 

I only brought up the past because in my opinion his current relationship had an effect on my feelings towards what had happened our past relationship. I felt hurt because he said he didn't want anything serious with me and wanted to see other ppl which i left him to go do and he stopped at the next girl.

 

 

Anyway at the very end of the conversation he said, we won't communication anymore... if we see each other around we will say 'hi', but thats it. And his girlfriend yelled out in the background if i'm around you won't even do that and i will be around all the time. I agreed and that's how the conversation ended.

 

--------- --------- ----------- -------------- ---------------

 

I know that i have done a very stupid thing here going back and constantly questioning the past, but i found it soo hard not to. In a previous relationship i was able to do that time and time again with the guy, but not this time around.... I just found it hard not to see it the same way.

 

I know i did wrong things, but no one is perfect and i still believe that he shouldn't have gotten nasty or let his girlfriend say nasty things to me.

 

(i'd love further feedback, if any)

[butterflyz]

it seems to me that earlier in your conversations he let it be known that he did not want to talk about your relationship. it was done and over with.

 

going to his house was not a good idea because you and he are no longer friends, lovers, etc. but you still haven't let go, so negative attention is better than none.

 

you wanted him to admit what you already knew - why? i know the feeling of wanting to be vindicated, but in the process you stirred a lot of trouble with the current girlfriend, for no reason.

 

for your sake, move on.

 

in the past, when a guy has wanted to move on, i try let it go early on. of course, emotionally, it is not so easy. i may try to talk one more time, but i just let it go...trying to beat dead horse to death doesn't accomplish anything except you investing more into a relationship that doesn't exist.

 

find someone who will want you for more than fun.

[clia]

Oh God, I've been cringing just reading your post.

 

I hope this has been a great learning experience for you. (And I truly don't mean that in a mean way, trust me!)

 

It's very difficult to deal with someone who doesn't need closure when you do. Believe me, I've been there. In fact, I've found that most men I've dated don't need closure the way I do. So, what to do? Have imaginary closure conversations in your head and then move on. Write letters that you will never send. Do anything but borderline stalk the guy by calling him, asking about his sex life, and going to his house.

 

Sure, she's very low class for calling you names, but she's the one who is with him right now. It was low class of him to give her your phone number. It was low class of her to look at his chat logs. But that doesn't change the situation. He didn't want to talk about things, and you pushed him too far. Unfortunately, what you may have succeeded in doing is pushing him and the new girl closer together. Now they can bond over what a loony you are, and how you can't let go of the relationship. (I'm not trying to be harsh, just honest. It takes minutia for men to think you are psycho. It's best to just be casual and cool.)

 

So, that's it. All you can do right now is move on and do not contact him ever. You have left yourself no other alternative. Perhaps if you would've just let it go, six months from now when he's not with her anymore, you might've had a fighting chance. But now you've ruined that for yourself. Remember this for future relationships. It's better not to push things. (I, too, have learned this the hard way.) When you leave someone with a bad impression, it's nearly impossible for them to get over it. It's much better just to say "You know what? You're right!" And then just quietly drift off. In their memories, someday, they might consider you to be "the one that got away." At bare minimum, they won't harbor bad feelings, and will instead remember the good times you had together. Self control is difficult sometimes, but you have to learn how to do it, especially if you don't want to repeat this experience again.

[just_a_girl]

Is it worth writing a letter to him telling him how sorry i am?

 

I know where i was in the wrong, i admitted that above and i hate having enemies, especially with someone i cared about even if they really dont care about me.

 

I definately don't expect instant friendship again, but atleast for him to realise where i was coming from.

 

I am not a psycho or anything like that, unfortunately for me this was the first time i ever reacted this way to a guy and he's now seen more of my bad side than my good.

 

Since i still have to study in the same place as him i just wanted to make the air a bit clearer. :-S

 

Am i stupid for even considering this option after all thats happened?

[clia]

Don't write a letter. Just drop it.

 

If you see him when you are studying, only say hi if he says hi first.

 

Yes, it sucks to have someone out there hating you, but if you keep pursuing it you are only going to end up irritating him even more.

 

Drop it and move on.

[Guinness]

i think you should just move on. the whole mess can't be sorted out anymore anyways, and after all he doesn't sound like somebody you should want to be with!

 

I'm sure you will find somebody else who is willing to have the same kind of relationship you are looking for! Take care!

[tkgirl]

Sorry - I've been meaning to respond to your post earlier, but had to work all weekend... etc. Anyways, I can totally relate to you, with what you are going through now having to still see that guy. It sounds like things just really spun out of control and I think (like everyone else here) that the best thing to do now is MOVE ON! I know (believe me!) that it's easier said than done, but you have to! Try to focus your energy elsewhere, all this other stuff is only causing you pain! I find that challenging myself - like now I'm trying to learn how to surf - really helps! For instance, this week I was having a hard time still with the situation with this guy - he's been calling alot and I'm still trying to avoid him, etc - So on Monday I had the day off and decided to go surfing. Well, I ended up having a great time and caught one of my best waves yet! I found that later on in the week, if I started getting bummed about things, I would think about that wave I caught and then I'd try to plan when I could go surfing again, what i will do better etc. Another example is that I also take horseback riding lessons once a week. Right now we are learning how to jump and it sometimes makes me really nervous! Like I'm afraid I won't be able to get my horse over certain jumps, but once I do I'm on top of the world! It's a great confidence builder. Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe take a little break form the relationship stuff for now - focus your energy into something positive that's just FOR YOU! There's a whole lot more to life than having a boyfriend around. Half the time they are more trouble than they are worth! And this guy doesn't sound like he's that much to get all upset about, especially since he's so stupid as to let you go! So now, when you see him I want you to just hold your head up high! He'll realize that you're moving on and then he'll probably start to wonder what's up with you... let him! You are on your way to bigger and better things! Take care and keep me posted how you're doing!

[Ally Boo]

Goodness this is a lot of text to read....sorry but yall lost me around the middle of the first page....seemed like the problem was answered.

 

Listen, girl, You can't look at them and wish it was you. It isn't you. Truth is, you and him were not as compatible as he and this other chicka. So, you just need to move on, let it go, and not fall so fast.

 

I know where you are coming from, bc I was married and went to dating, and found myself doing what you are doing. Just chill, and dont expect anything to come out of seeing people. Just have fun, enjoy life, and you'll find someone amazing.

 

But DON'T stress, wonder why, or think that you are more important than she is just because he saw you first. That isn't the case. He is with her...and whether he cheats on her is none of your business...but I doubt he will bc he seems to really love her. So MOVE ON

[Ally Boo]

If you hadn't told him that you didn't want him to see another person, it wouldn't have mattered. He'd still end up leaving you for her in the end...bc it wasn't right. So don't regretting your actions, bc things would end up the same way in the end.

[just_a_girl]

Originally posted by clia

Don't write a letter. Just drop it.

 

If you see him when you are studying, only say hi if he says hi first.

 

Yes, it sucks to have someone out there hating you, but if you keep pursuing it you are only going to end up irritating him even more.

 

Drop it and move on.

 

Unfortunately i hate leaving things all messed up if i think i can fix them. I ended up writing a long letter expressing how i was sorry and saying many other things about how i felt (nothing soppy). I also wished him and his girlfriend goodluck and left it at that. I sent the letter with the intent for both of them to read it.

 

I don't know whether they read it or not. Either way it doesnt matter, but it makes me feel a bit better having said what i did.

 

 

------------- ------------------ -------------------- ----------------- ------------

 

As a final note, in the mean time while all the crap was going on, a little while after we broke up i had contacted his ex girlfriend and made friends with her. We both get along so well, and not just discussing things about him.

 

Anyway up until yesterday i always thought i was the only one who go the raw end of the deal with relationship with this guy. I thought he had a great relationship that just didn't work out for silly reasons with his previous girlfriend, then had a fling with me, then had a good relationship with the girl after me. His ex would always say that he was a 'nice' guy, so it made me think that he never did anything wrong by her.

 

But yesterday in our conversations i found out that she only said he was a nice guy because she doesn't like to say bad things about people, which is fair enough.

 

The truth be known he hurt her alot more than me. They had dated for a year and a half and in that time there where times where he was in another world, he ignored her in the mornings til she went home, she couldn't even mention living together or the M word, he never noticed she was alive towards the end, he chose to spend more time with friends, he never understood why she ever got upset or angry either. And the funniest part about all that, he said to me that he loved her and he got annoyed and upset towards her because she found someone else to go out with after he broke up with her the second time.

 

From what she told me, i realised that it didn't matter what i did or didn't do. He was clueless when it came to relationships. Even if he didn't even give me a proper chance, it seems like he would have ended up treating me this way also and i wouldn't have liked that for one second.

 

Perhaps this new girl is being treated differently, but i strongly doubt it because he doesn't know when he's done wrong. Sure i bet he treats her good now, its still early days, but i doubt it will take long. Maybe this time it is different, but most people normally don't change their ways if they don't think they are doing anything wrong and this girl might like being treated like that. :-S He was only with his ex for a year and a half and started treating her like crap when he claims he loved her.

 

 

I guess it still hurts finding out that a guy i really cared for who also liked me at one state can change his mind about his feelings at the drop of a hat. But in the end i now feel like i got the better end of the deal. Sure i have been through months of heartache wondering why did he only treat me bad, but now i realised it wasn't just me.

 

 

There is light at the end of my tunnel. :-)

 

Now i know it had nothing to do with the way i was! YAY!! Not that i'm not saying i didn't over-react in various areas, but atleast i didn't cope all that.

[Andee73]

Well, I think the two of you tried making the agreement in the beginning you didn't want anything serious. You both have every right to date someone else then. If one of you started labelling things, you should have gotten it clear right then and there what the status was. Regardless of whether you got attached or not and he agreed doesn't mean he really knew for sure how he felt and was going to be exclusive. It usually takes guys longer to figure out their feelings and sometimes they will just agree with you that they feel the same way when they really don't. Actions speak louder than words. Like in my scenario, he didnt' say a lot about how he felt but I could tell he had deep feelings-to what extent I am not sure. The miscommunication is where the downfall began. Guys like it when you are non chalont and just go with the flow. After you broke it off and tried to be friends, had you not brought up the relationship at all, who knows what could have transpired between the two of you. You start to sound anxious and pushy and if he really wasn't open to anything more, he just got annoyed. If he was, he was just pushed further away by you prying. Guys like to come around on their own. YOu must read John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women ARe From Venus. It explains it so perfectly. Women have the need to know why men don't always have the answers and need to take time to mull things over in their heads. You pushing them, just corners them and they panick and take the easiest route out- break up. Going to his house just enhanced that. Especially unexpectedly. That was really forcing him when he wasnt' in the position to deal with it. However, if he couldn't sit down and communicate with you clearly from the beginning, he was just plain immature and lead you to do what you did because you were left hurt and confused. IT wasn't all you fault. He didn't take responsibility for his actions so you were doing what is normal, reacting.

 

Take care of yourself and when you see him, try not to look upset. Look happy and light and pleasant. HE will see the difference in you. I am not saying he will come back but he will see a change in you and you will prove how strong you have become and how he doesn't bother you.

[butterflyz]

after all these posts i don't know if i can offer you anything enlightening.

 

my experience with guys that treat women and relationships like toilet paper is this:

he is not going to care what you think or feel about straightening things out. move on.

 

i'm a firm believer in closure, but someone like this doesn't deserve whatever insight you have gleaned from this relationship. let him hate you. it's okay.

[witchbreed]

I totally agree with Clio. Drop it! Pull it out of your system andfhor haevens sake get on with your life.

 

As much as we sometimes might want to, we cant force anybody into feeling what we would like them to feel. When he was with you, you both initially didnt want a serious relationsship and your feelings changed. Like your feelings towards him changed, into the dating with his now girlfriend, his feelings might have changed.

 

When I met my boyfriend, we both didnt even dream of entering a relationsship and we both tried to fight against those feelings, but the feelings for each other just got stronger. Since it was and is mutual, thats great. But feelings do change and there is times you dont feel ready for relationsships and will say so - and sometimes it stays that way, sometimes feelings do change - if one is lucky both partners change in the same direction and if not, one just has to adjust.

 

The way his girlfriend treated you was not right, sure. On the other hand, I would be mad too, if an ex of my boyfriend, was hanging around the whole time, wanting to get him back and would tell that one too, to get lost.

 

To me it feels, like you have a very possesive streak. That you dont really mind, not being in a relationsship with him, but that you cant deal with someone else "having" him. Partners belong with each other, but they do not "own" each other.

 

If I were you, I would get counseling. Seems that you do need help to get over this relationsship and to get your self-esteem back. There is sure counseling available in your college.

 

Besides that, get involved in something you like, go out with friends and study hard. Crying over lost chances does not bring new chances. Get on with your life and sometimes somewhere you will find what you have been looking for. Best luck.

[just_a_girl]

Originally posted by witchbreed

To me it feels, like you have a very possesive streak. That you dont really mind, not being in a relationsship with him, but that you cant deal with someone else "having" him. Partners belong with each other, but they do not "own" each other.

 

Maybe i do have a possesive streak. I really don't know. This is the first time that i have ever acted that way.

 

The only thing i can say is that i said and did what i did cause i cared so much and ofcourse hoped to get back together with him. I just wanted to stay friends with him so that he would see the good side of me.

 

I have realised that i did alot of foolish things.

 

I guess to my advantage is that i have alot of friends and family that see the good side of me. I am even still great friends with my ex b/f of 4 years that was before this relationship.

 

Unfortunately no one is perfect, i know i may not have handled this situation well. But i believe many ppl also learn from their mistakes also.

 

Either way it is probably best we don't communicate. Its impossible for me to be friends with someone who doesn't want to see the good side of me and choose to be with some else before even getting to know the real good side of me.

 

:-)

[butterflyz]

this may not make you feel any better about the situation, but i can understand why someone would prefer to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

sometimes, too much bad has happened to ever make it good again. everyone's tolerance for people handling things wrong in a relationship is different. i may tolerate certain things better than another, and vice versa.

 

it's best to find a fit with others who share the sameness that keeps people together.