Why does it seem I will be alone forever

[Mollyanna]

My ex moved to another state today. We said our goodbyes. I clung onto that hug for as long as he would allow. I have no shame. I texted him hours later saying "I wish you would have grown up a little. We could have had it all. Now that you are gone, I feel so alone."

 

For almost a year, he was the only person I really felt close to. The only person I felt I could be completely myself around in my whole life. Now he is gone. He wants us to remain friends and I am really trying. We broke up a month ago and it has been very rocky when I feel his priorities are parties, drugs, and chasing skirts. I only get crumbs.

 

I know that I am too good for him in a lot of ways. But I also know that he thinks he can do better. He has a very charming personality, dangerous bad boy looks, and a wild lifestyle. He is a self admitted player, (I call it a whore...) and doesn't want to be tied down to just one woman.

 

There are parts of him that I find disgusting and parts of him that I feel sorry for. He has so much potential and yet he lives his life just scraping by with the least amount of effort. He does drugs, is an alcoholic, can seldom be depended upon, and spends his time searching for one shock of adrenaline to the next. He doesn't have even a bank account, a driver's license, health insurance, and sometimes not even a job.

 

But he has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. He can give me a look that melts me. When I am depressed or anxious, he is the only person who can calm me.

 

Why am I addicted to this man? And how do I ever find a connection to someone else? I am 34 and alone. I have my **** together financially and professionally. I swallowed my pride and put him first in everything I did.

 

So why am I not even good enough for someone like him? That makes me believe I am destined to be alone because I am not even good enough for someone with that many problems. My god, am I that ugly?? or even worse, is it my personality?

 

Crying all day... wondering how I can ever let someone else in again because when they leave, it almost kills me.

[Road Rage]

Typical bad boy syndrome. Many have tried, but nobody has figured this thing out as of now. All I can say is I am a nice guy and I am alone too. Share the love on this Saurday evening when like you, millions are also lonely. So, you may be lonely, but not alone:laugh:

[Mollyanna]

just to top off the day with another crappy "I feel worthless" type of event....

 

Another guy I have been dating, well we had plans to go out. He told me to call him when I was ready. 10 minutes before I was ready, he called and said he was going out with some other friends instead (mostly girls). But he asked if he could call when they got done and maybe he would come over afterwards. (booty call). When I got angry because he had allowed me to get ready and then basically stood me up, he said "Oh whoa, I don't want any drama. If you are going to yell at me, I'll get off this phone right now." When I said I was having a bad day and didn't need this bull****, he said I was too emotional and asked me to not call him again.

 

Why did I even get out of bed today?

[CaliGuy]

My ex moved to another state today. We said our goodbyes. I clung onto that hug for as long as he would allow. I have no shame. I texted him hours later saying "I wish you would have grown up a little. We could have had it all. Now that you are gone, I feel so alone."

 

For almost a year, he was the only person I really felt close to. The only person I felt I could be completely myself around in my whole life. Now he is gone. He wants us to remain friends and I am really trying. We broke up a month ago and it has been very rocky when I feel his priorities are parties, drugs, and chasing skirts. I only get crumbs.

 

I know that I am too good for him in a lot of ways. But I also know that he thinks he can do better. He has a very charming personality, dangerous bad boy looks, and a wild lifestyle. He is a self admitted player, (I call it a whore...) and doesn't want to be tied down to just one woman.

 

There are parts of him that I find disgusting and parts of him that I feel sorry for. He has so much potential and yet he lives his life just scraping by with the least amount of effort. He does drugs, is an alcoholic, can seldom be depended upon, and spends his time searching for one shock of adrenaline to the next. He doesn't have even a bank account, a driver's license, health insurance, and sometimes not even a job.

 

But he has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. He can give me a look that melts me. When I am depressed or anxious, he is the only person who can calm me.

 

Why am I addicted to this man? And how do I ever find a connection to someone else? I am 34 and alone. I have my **** together financially and professionally. I swallowed my pride and put him first in everything I did.

 

So why am I not even good enough for someone like him? That makes me believe I am destined to be alone because I am not even good enough for someone with that many problems. My god, am I that ugly?? or even worse, is it my personality?

 

Crying all day... wondering how I can ever let someone else in again because when they leave, it almost kills me.

 

 

You seem to be in love with the potential of who he *could* be rather than who he really is.

 

At least, that's what I gathered from your post.

[CaliGuy]

just to top off the day with another crappy "I feel worthless" type of event....

 

Another guy I have been dating, well we had plans to go out. He told me to call him when I was ready. 10 minutes before I was ready, he called and said he was going out with some other friends instead (mostly girls). But he asked if he could call when they got done and maybe he would come over afterwards. (booty call). When I got angry because he had allowed me to get ready and then basically stood me up, he said "Oh whoa, I don't want any drama. If you are going to yell at me, I'll get off this phone right now." When I said I was having a bad day and didn't need this bull****, he said I was too emotional and asked me to not call him again.

 

Why did I even get out of bed today?

 

Better answer:

You: "Sure go out with your friends."

Him: "Can I stop by after?"

You: "I doubt I'll be home, I have some guy friends I am going to hang out with tonight."

 

Hang up.

[underpants]

Awe, Molly....now let me slap you....okay you slap me back...

 

I don't like hearing your words, because they reflect what I am struggling with myself.

 

Here is what I think and have observed here and there. Yes, even in my last...whatever that was.

 

Sometimes I think people are attracted to those which we know on some level will hurt us. We are attacted to qualities that will feed our own hatred of ourselves or insecurites. Then, when the relationship fails, as we knew on some level that it would. We are fulfilling this self induced prophecy that we are destined for this ....crap. Well, that is bogus and in that regard we are just as much to blame for our predicament. You see, what if we chose to partner with someone we knew rise to the occasion and treat us well. Why then we might actually have to think about having.....a sucessful relationship...and that is probably even more scary. Hmmm, inverted commitment phobia. Have I discovered a new term here?

 

Yes, they challenge you, but not in a good way. They reduce you, that my friend is not love at all. We seem to be willing to compromise on how these 'bad boys' will treat us, or make excuses for them. However, when offered a chance with a more stable guy, are we willing to compromise on some of his much more tolerable shortcomings? Maybe the real challenge is creating passion with a more stable person.

 

We all have a few issues at this stage in the game, but there are fundamental things you need from a partner. This guy is just not ever going to be that. Don't be his doormat, cut him out of your life. It will prove to be the heathiest thing you can do for yourself. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be reduced by someone else's issues. Then commend youself for having the capacity to really love and try with someone. Let him go and no....don't be his friend, your relationship is over, his choice. Learn from this experience and go into your next relationship with more foresight and self esteem, notice the flags, be selective and make sure your next partner is 'relationship material'.

 

Of course I am sad that I really tried with my ex. He is a very self aborbed man who feels entitled to his whims, then expected me to hang on as he explored his options. Well, I did grow some esteem at that point and boy that shook him to his core I think. I am just glad I found out his true character now rather then commiting to a lifetime of feeling less then truely loved. That would have been terrible.

 

You can't fix people, especially those that don't want to try.

 

You are a beautiful 34, I am a hot 36. Let's demand more for ourselves.

 

He does not deserve your tears.

[CaliGuy]

Maybe the real challenge is creating passion with a more stable person.

 

Excellent post and these words rung true in my ears. Sometimes we have to create passion with someone who doesn't provide the sort of "challenge" we're used to.

 

But I know why that is. The hard past is ignoring the emotional aspect and making it more of a rational decision, which is very hard to do in respect to love and attraction. Neither are really a concious choice.

[underpants]

Well Cali, I guess that why we have all found ourselves here.

 

After all, we are the one common denominator in our relationship failures.

 

I do think at some point love does become a conscious choice. Some chose to commit, some bail, some to sabotoge, while others were just never there to begin with. I think too that some of these 'throws' if you will are cycled in long term relationships, thus the need for some commitment, communication and stability to maintain a true bond.

 

It is really hard to when all that emotion is present to really see things for what they are and to be able to 'rationally' acknowledge or communicate anything.

 

Ahh....love....dang. It sure doesn't get easier, does it?

[CaliGuy]

Well Cali, I guess that why we have all found ourselves here.

 

After all, we are the one common denominator in our relationship failures.

 

True but most of our ex's are left scratching their heads, relationship after relationship while we're here trying to get off the merry-go-round.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results.

 

I do think at some point love does become a conscious choice. Some chose to commit, some bail, some to sabotoge, while others were just never there to begin with. I think too that some of these 'throws' if you will are cycled in long term relationships, thus the need for some commitment, communication and stability to maintain a true bond.

 

True. I also think that with love, all you can do is love someone and hope they love you back the same way. If not at some point you do have to bail and look for greener pastures. There is no greater pain in life than to be sitting next to someone you are deeply in love with and know you can not have them.

 

It is really hard to when all that emotion is present to really see things for what they are and to be able to 'rationally' acknowledge or communicate anything.

 

Ahh....love....dang. It sure doesn't get easier, does it?

 

Well I wouldn't say easier but I will say we get wiser as we get older. We learn to gain some peace of mind and sanity by coming to places like LS and stopping the carnage

[Mollyanna]

You are right Cali. I know I am not totally in love with him the way he is NOW. I even told him that today on our walk. I told him I am in love with who I know he can be. He promised me this move to NC was an effort to change himself. When I mentioned he had the same kind of friends there, he said to at least give him a chance to fail before I condemn him. He said he can't stand the way he is right now either.

 

Do I believe he can change? Yes, but I can't handle the disappointment to wait around in case he does work it out, but chooses someone else. All I want now is for him (who knows me better than anyone) to tell me what is wrong with ME. How can I fix something that I don't even know is the problem. I told him I am the best thing that ever came into his life. He said he would surely be thinking about that.

 

You guys are right, I have picked challenges, or more likely they have found me. I can't think of a single guy recently though who is normal who has asked me out in the last couple of years. But then again, I have met most guys in bars or online. Even in my business travels, when someone hits on me, they are married or 20 years older!

 

I agree with you Underpants that in the past I have passed over some "nice" guys, especially in my early 20's. I had some good opportunities there and I blew it because I was looking for someone a bit wilder with more confidence.

 

But now I truly believe I am ready for a committed stable relationship. But am I too late? I don't even know how to go about that meeting that type of guy anymore.

 

Thanks for your responses. I have been totally freaking out crying for a couple hours.

[Mollyanna]

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results.

 

Cali, you have a knack for using our sayings. That one is D's (the ex who moved this morning. The quote you have about never making someone a priority, that was my quote on MySpace for months!

[underpants]

Cali, you are a good egg.

[underpants]

Molly,

 

I used to say if there was a man with severe issues then I was the flame, they flocked. Kind of funny, as never did I enter into relationships with them, until my most recent excursion of sanity but that was a fix up and the mutal friends even later apoligized as none of us really knew the depth of his problems and I don't want to. Oh well, you live and you learn.

 

Now what troubles me is that you are still seeking validation from this dude. No, no, no. Why? Stop! You are beautiful. There is nothing wrong with you. Except that maybe you are relying on him too much. Let him go, let him move, let him screw around, he is simply not your problem any longer. Hey, one less thing.

 

You are addicted to him because you still allow contact. Simple as that. So what are you going to do about that? Stop all contact, just be done.

 

I know that is so hard to read. However, you have to become your own person. Maybe he should move, see what life is like without your very obvious wonderful emotional support. He will probably miss it very much, yet not enough to really value you. Come on sister, chin up, breathe. Know your value for yourself. You will be more attractive I promise, your self esteem grow and you will attract, in time a much more suitable partner.

 

Don't look for love in a bar though....former veteran bartender here. Humanities degree, what can I say. Being in those trenches I never really witnessed much true love going on there. Never dated any customers either.

 

Like Cali said be the wiser in your future. Know your value and let it shine.

 

Big hug girl.

[AriaIncognito]

I've met you in person and youre not ugly in any way, looks or personality. He just, he couldn't be what you need in a husband. It sucks. I'm staring down the barrel of that same gun. It sucks to know you are head over heels for someone that is just "eh" over you. Maybe that's what keeps us attracted or sticking around. The challenge of it all. The "he will love me someday" stuff. I wish I had an answer, but as you know, I don't. All i do know is that you are far better than that to receive scraps from any man. I think his moving out of state will help you out, as long as you stay NC.

 

Stay strong, we're in this together either way...

 

~FW

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

So why am I not even good enough for someone like him? That makes me believe I am destined to be alone...

 

I also think (and starting to accept the idea) that I'll be alone forever.

 

Unless of course it's a fling with someone I don't really love, but that I'm with for the closeness of being with someone.

 

My god, am I that ugly?? or even worse, is it my personality?

 

I think it's none of those, you just haven't found the right one for you. Cliche and all. But for some people it seems almost impossible to find that right match.

 

I also think that you don't love the guy but that you need him badly as an addiction (like you mentioned). I think you have an addictive personality, and that includes people. (Addicted to his comfort, his sex, his voice, whatever)

 

But if you really loved him, you wouldn't be telling him the things you have, like... you are a whore, you are a child, you need to grow up, yadda yadda. And there wouldn't be parts of him that you found disgusting and that you felt sorry for, either.

 

Ariadne

[polywog]

Hi Mollyanna,

 

Just read this thread and I am sorry that you are going through all this pain.

When I read about your ex's addiction it made me think about myself.

 

I was involved with 2 men with addiction problems. After the second one, on the advice of my therapist, I (reluctantly as I hate meetings) went to ALANON meetings and it was a huge help in getting to understand those bad relationships. There were other people there with stories that gave me loads of perspective and wisdom, and talking about my own life made me heal.

 

Just a thought.

[Guest]

Better answer:

You: "Sure go out with your friends."

Him: "Can I stop by after?"

You: "I doubt I'll be home, I have some guy friends I am going to hang out with tonight."

 

Hang up.

 

Caliguy is very wise!

[Teacher's Pet]

just to top off the day with another crappy "I feel worthless" type of event....

 

Another guy I have been dating, well we had plans to go out. He told me to call him when I was ready. 10 minutes before I was ready, he called and said he was going out with some other friends instead (mostly girls). But he asked if he could call when they got done and maybe he would come over afterwards. (booty call). When I got angry because he had allowed me to get ready and then basically stood me up, he said "Oh whoa, I don't want any drama. If you are going to yell at me, I'll get off this phone right now." When I said I was having a bad day and didn't need this bull****, he said I was too emotional and asked me to not call him again.

 

Why did I even get out of bed today?

 

Personally, I think you did the right thing.

 

From what I read, it totally sounds like this guy wanted a "booty call". You are better than that, and you know it!

 

If he flew off the handle that quickly at you, I think that proves it. Most guys, when they realize they won't be getting "what they want" right away, just move on and find someone who WILL.

 

Guys like that suck, and ruin it for guys like me who actually GIVE a sh*t about WHY you might be upset or having a bad day.

 

Thankfully, even though sometimes it's hard to see, you aren't alone. There's a world of people right here on LS who DO care about why you are upset, and DO understand. I know right now it's not much of a "consolation prize", but take it from me...

 

I've gotten more love from the people on this site than I did from all the sex/intimacy/etc. in the world from the woman I thought I was going to be marrying.

 

You, me, Jenn, ALL OF US are here for a reason, and in many cases, it's a similar reason. We are trying to figure out "Where the hell did it go wrong?" Perhaps everyone's answer to that might be a little different, but the one thing we all have in common is that we are addicted to the feeling we get from someone when we think about what they COULD be.

 

Obviously, we all have serious problems with our (ex) partners, otherwise we wouldn't be here. The big problem is that at one time or another, we've each seen them at their "potential best", and that's part of what makes us stay. We've each seen our partners be caring, a good friend, etc.... but what happens when that doesn't surface? A myriad of problems, some dissapointing, some borderline destructive. But, because we've seen "the beauty" of our partners, we feel we owe it to ourselves to be there to "fix" them, to make their "potential best" the norm.

 

Unfortunately, that doesn't always (or really ever) happen. What does happen is that we feel like WE failed. WE aren't good enough. WE screwed up. Well, my beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous companion (and yeah, I can say it 'cuz I've met you dammit!), all WE did was be too patient with someone when a world of other opportunites was all around us.

 

It's hard to just walk away and date someone new. Love at first sight, while I DO believe in it, to an extent, is rare. Making that "love connection" with someone takes time, and that means going through the awkwardness of first, second, even third dates. You are sitting across from your new friend at the table, going through the usual "So, tell me about your job?" "What's your family like?" stuff. Square one sucks, especially when you know that not long before, you were with someone you spent a lot of time developing a relationship with. With my ex, we had TONS of small talk the first few months that we were just friends before anything happened, and it was fine, because I never thought our "friendship" would ever escalate into anything. Once we started officially dating, the "small talk" usually involved going away for the weekend to see her parents, what club we were going to go to that night, and in the case of my usually horizontal B, how badly we wanted to just attack each other the minute we were alone.

 

Now, I'm in the "starting over" boat with a new person, and guess what? I'm not enjoying it. As a comedian, I like to think I'm quick on my feet, but I've completely run out of topics of "safe" conversation with her (we'll call her R for future reference lol), and even though we are experiencing the infamous "awkward pauses" that usually signal the beginning of a physical relationship, nothing happens.

 

The part that I'm trying to figure out is that frankly, I don't care. Is it that I'm not attracted to her? (Still thinking about that one) Do I find her interesting? (Sadly, not really.) Do I see a future with her? (Doubtful.) Or, is it the one thing that terrifies me...... Am I still in love with B? Or, in my case, and even worse, someone I haven't SEEN in 6 years? I told you about my dream the other night, and it wasn't the first time I saw myself back with my first TRUE love.

 

Most of me is hoping that it's just that I'm not crazy about this girl. I've spent the last 7 months trying to get over B (with some success), and 6 years trying to forget what happened with H, something it took the first 3 years after our breakup to cope with (you know what I'm talking about).

 

If it's the first scenario, no problem. I just didn't find someone I want to date. If it's the second, I just know I'm not 100% there yet. If it's the latter, then I have much work left to do in my own head.

 

What I'm getting at is that we set an ideal for our partners, and because we've seen them "hit the mark" at times, we try our damndest to make them "perfect" 100% of the time, something only THEY can do, not us. We need to stop taking the blame for other people's insecurities, fears, and shortfalls. We can only love them and be there for them, we can't change them.

 

That starts from within.

 

And now, I scroll back to realize I just posted a short novel about 15 minutes after waking up, following BOMBING on stage last night, but for you, my beautiful, teary-eyed friend, I have a lifetime of "novels" in me to write, if just a few of my words actually make any sense or provide any comfort to you.....

 

You know I love you and I'm ALWAYS here for you!

 

The 3 of us need a girl's (and one cute chubby guy) night out again sometime soon, somehow.

 

You'll work past this, I know it. You are stronger than you think you are, if you weren't, you probably wouldn't be on LS in the first place.

 

Friends til' the end....

 

-tp

probably keeping the letters small for a while longer.

[Mollyanna]

But if you really loved him, you wouldn't be telling him the things you have, like... you are a whore, you are a child, you need to grow up, yadda yadda. And there wouldn't be parts of him that you found disgusting and that you felt sorry for, either.

 

 

Loving someone does not mean you find them to be perfect. I do not have him on some pedastal. He knows he has flaws. We talk honestly with one another. I see these faults and still love him. Just like I told him the other day, I can be very very angry with you and still be your friend. (for some reason whenever we have argued it has always turned into a Goodbye of some sorts).

[Mollyanna]

went to ALANON meetings and it was a huge help in getting to understand those bad relationships. There were other people there with stories that gave me loads of perspective and wisdom, and talking about my own life made me heal.

 

What a great idea! I just looked up the meetings and there is one tomorrow night in my community. I am going to check it out. Thank you. Whenever I am upset, I am always looking for some action to take to fix it. This will serve nicely in that aspect.

[Porn_Guy]

Well MOLLYANNA, statistically the likelihood of you being alone forever is improbable.

[Mollyanna]

you guys are amazing. Last night I went to bed feeling like the biggest failure and wondering why I am even alive because I can't handle anymore pain and rejection. I stayed up until 4 am text messaging D asking him what the hell is wrong with me? I planned on plastic surgery, dying my hair, letting it grow long, getting a new career, working out, even working on the sound of my voice.

 

I had decided to change everything about myself and become someone else. Then I read your replies today when i awoke at 3pm and you made me feel better. I'm not so bad. This isn't the end of the world. I can make improvements without changing who i am fundamentally.

 

I still don't want to live my life alone but the fact that I have never really had a problem finding a guy (even if he was a jerk or weirdo), that tells me I am not so horrible looking or not fun to be around. SOMEONE out there will appreciate it enough eventually.

 

Thanks again for helping pull me out of my misery.

[Mollyanna]

Well MOLLYANNA, statistically the likelihood of you being alone forever is improbable.

 

Please give me those statistics. Jen and I could both use them right now!

[norajane]

I stayed up until 4 am text messaging D asking him what the hell is wrong with me? I planned on plastic surgery, dying my hair, letting it grow long, getting a new career, working out, even working on the sound of my voice.

 

I had decided to change everything about myself and become someone else.

 

:eek::eek:

 

That shows such an appalling lack of self-esteem! Why do you want a drug addict alcoholic commitment phobe to validate you???

 

I'm glad you're feeling better today!

 

Please consider that your problems in having a relationship are directly related to the kind of men you choose to date, or the kind of men you fall for and pursue. What kind of relationship do you really think you can have with an alcoholic commitment phobe? What in the world makes you think that you could have a GOOD, HEALTHY, LONG LASTING relatioship with someone who is that broken?

 

Also, consider that you love him despite his flaws. So why don't you expect that for yourself - that you can be loved for who you are? Why would you think that you need to completely change yourself (plastic surgery!!!???) in order to have love in your life?

 

I don't think you need surgery or to change your voice. I think you need to change your mindset about the kind of men you allow into your life, and work on your own self-esteem before you get involved with anyone. You need to get to a place where you believe you deserve better - then you'll say NO to the guys who aren't good for you, and you'll say YES to the guys who would treat you like a princess, just as you are.

[Green]

I say dont lose that optimism you have, because even though your asking the question will you be alone 4ever, I think in your heart you still feel some ones out there 4 u. just the impresion I got...