Are finances a legitimate excuse for putting off engagement?

[LilyB]

My boyfriend and I have been together three and a half years. He's 35, I'm 29. We have a really good thing going and of course, at this point, I'm thinking about marriage. I'm graduating next winter and will soon be making some major life decisions. Basically, I'm willing to make my decisions based around the desires of husband or fiancé (as well as my own) but not a boyfriend.

 

We had a discussion about this recently and he told me that he didn't want to get married until we had all our financial ducks in a row.

 

He's right that we're not in that great of a place financially right now. I'm a struggling student and he just got the first job of his life that pays over 30K a year. Neither one of us has health insurance. (I'm working on that!) And we both have student loans to pay off. However, we manage to live frugally yet happily and are gradually improving our situation.

 

And for the record, neither of us is the type to want a big wedding or anything. And we have no plans to buy a house as we're both happy renting. Nor do we want children. As to an engagement ring, if there were ever to be one, I wouldn't care if it was plastic as long as its pretty.

 

I understand and respect what he's saying but at the same time, how long do I have to wait? It's gonna take a while for us to do all these things. And how much do we have to be making before it's "safe" to get engaged?

 

As I see it, if we go about it the right way, we're not going to be any worse off financially after we get married than before. We already live together and share expenses. Heck, my parents were dirt poor when they got married and his too.

 

I love my boyfriend and want to trust that he's just telling me the truth but there's a part of me that wonders if this is a stalling technique. As in, he knows it'll be years before we're able to keep up with say, our married siblings, financially and thus that buys him that much more time to decide if he wants to **** or get off the proverbial pot.

 

Guys, what do you think? Do you feel the need to be financially sound before entering into an engagement or does it not matter as long as it's the right girl?

 

Also girls who've been in similar situations and told similar things, how did it work out in the end?

[phyrespryte]

I don't see why you need to have your finances in order to get engaged.

Aside from the ring, it doesn't cost anything to be engaged. Maybe it would be wise to wait until you're financially secure to get married. But how long could that take?

 

I think your guy is stalling.

[norajane]

Has he said he wants to be married? Does he talk about your future together? Does he want to make major life decisions with your future together in mind? Has he shared his vision of marriage with you? Do you two agree on what your marriage will be?

 

If he doesn't talk about it except to say wait until the financing works out, then I think you might be right - it's a delay tactic. If he does talk about marriage with you and is excited about or is looking forward to it, then he probably is concerned about finances.

 

Why don't you ask him to sit down with you and help create a financial plan for the future, set some target goals, determine how financially stable you two need to be for him to feel comfortable. If he won't do that, or can't tell you of any goals, milestones, timeframes, the financial aspects are an excuse.

[Guest_Lindsey]

LilyB - your story is frightfully similar to mine. I suppose I'm posting because I want to let you know you're not the only one in your situation.....or with the same feelings! (it kinda freaked me out when I read your post because it sounded like something I would write).

 

The only difference in my situation is that he's 33 (and similarly I'm 29), makes a bit more money (though he has a significant amount of debt that he says is keeping him from purchasing a ring), and I actually want kids (well, dogs first). Plus we've been together for 3 years, not 3.5.

 

I'm interested to know what the collective thinks. I like what Norajane said. She's right.....and fortunately for my situation at least, we've talked about the future and I am really secure knowing he'll propose within this next year. However like the original poster, there's something inside me that thinks he's stalling for some reason.

 

Good luck LilyB, and let us know how it goes.

 

Another note - when I googled "obsessed about marriage" this forum came up. I also ran into some other very ironic articles outlining exactly what men are looking for in a wife. It's someone who doesn't think about marriage and gives off the vibe that they are perfectly capable and great with or without him. My question is, then why the hell even get married if she's capable without you? I suppose it's that particular vibe.....