tanbark813 Posted October 3, 2002 Share Posted October 3, 2002 To give a little background, I'm 25 and my gf is 20. I met her at the end of may through <removed personals web site #1>. We started dating regularly and about a month later she told me she loved me. She wanted to make the relationship official, but I got really burned at the beginning of this year by my last gf so I wanted to pace things with this new girl until I was sure I could trust her. I told her all this so she knew how I felt. But we did agree not to see other people. I guess there really isn't a whole lot of difference between exclusivity and being officially bf/gf, but that's just how it was. She was a little disappointed but said she understood and seemed to be willing to accept my position. After a few months I know she stared developing some resentment in my holding off. We even got into one or two minor arguments about it. She also started flaking on me a bit--not calling when she said she would, etc--so I was even less motivated to make us official. Finally almost 3 weeks ago I said I wanted it to be official and she seemed thrilled. Just this past Monday, I was looking through <removed web site>--a site she has a journal in and introduced me to--and I came across another guy's journal who lives in her town (she lives an hour away from me). The entry was dated one month ago, a little before we got together officially, and she was flirting with this guy a little. When asked about her situation, she said she was single and was "dating someone casually but it's going nowhere". This really hurt me as I thought she understood where I was coming from and thought of me more than just a casual situation. From there I did a little looking around at <removed personals web site #2>. I was using this site before I started seeing this girl and told her about it. She started up a profile while we were dating and I found posts in other guy's guestbooks as recently as one week ago telling them how good looking they are and to email her sometime. This bugged me a lot too. Finally, I went back to <removed personals web site #1> to check up on her profile. I cancelled my paid membership back in June and she told me she had also. When we were on the phone about a month ago, however, she was laughing about these emails she got from other guys. I asked her how that could be since she said she cancelled her membership, but she said she did. She could only read the emails, she just couldn't reply. Well, when I was at that site this week, it said she was active last week and she was listed as a Gold member (meaning she could send and receive emails). Plus, I had an email sitting in my Inbox that I hadn't seen since I haven't been there in months. Just to test things, when I clicked on it, it wouldn't even let me read the message. The site simply prompted me to pay money. So she flat out lied about her <removed personals web site #1> membership. So here's where my question comes in... Normally I would just break up with her. The only reason I'm a little unsure here is because I'm the one that set the pace of the relationship and held off for so long on making it official. I caused a bit of the resentment in her but I still think that's no excuse for lying. I would rather she just be honest with me and let me know up front that she's keeping her options open. So... is she out of line here? Or am I in the wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 3, 2002 Share Posted October 3, 2002 who likes to yank men's chains. Dump her -- FAST! If a person was sincerely interested in someone, they wouldn't be prowling around, even if it was meant to be harmless. You shouldn't have to live with a mistake even if you are the one who's set the pace of the relationship. my guess is that she wanted to see how much control she has over you, and this is just a headgame she's playing with you. Again, just walk away. You might be sadder, but you'll also be wiser. Link to post Share on other sites
Equate Posted October 3, 2002 Share Posted October 3, 2002 She's not worth it. Regardless of the fact that you paced the relationship, if she loved you like she said she did, she would have never done that. And she had reason to lie to you because she's trying to cover stuff up. So you've done some snooping -- not a big deal, really -- but you found something out that may hurt you even more later. So leave the relationship with her. Don't invest time into a girl that cannot be exclusive with you, on the Internet or in reality. She isn't worth it, that's the bottom line. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 3, 2002 Share Posted October 3, 2002 Life is way too short and relationships are hard enough to nurture without a deceitful partner who does stuff like this behind your back. It doesn't necessarily make her a terrible person, just very immature and not nearly ready for an honest relationship with anybody. It seems pretty obvious that she is still keen on seeing what her choices are out there and is not stuck on you enough to give up her search. So tell her she can kiss your butt bye bye..at kissmybutt.com Link to post Share on other sites
Dragonflys Posted October 4, 2002 Share Posted October 4, 2002 or you could just kiss her butt goodbye. But seriously, I think you should confront her at this point with what you know, not in an aggresssive way..just ask her what she really wants. Obviously things can't go on like this so she either grows up a bit, or you move on. Oliver Link to post Share on other sites
Author tanbark813 Posted October 4, 2002 Author Share Posted October 4, 2002 Yeah, I'll definitely be confronting her about all of this once she gets back from her trip. I'm leaning towards breaking up unless she can really show some change, but past experience has taught me that people only really change under rare circumstances. Generally, patterns are extremely difficult to break and can only really be broken when the person in question genuinely wants to. I know there's no way I can force her to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted October 4, 2002 Share Posted October 4, 2002 what she did to you was the following: -you set the pace for the relationship (you admit that) -she decided that she wasn't going to sit on her butt and wait for you to decide whether she was "good enough" for you a relationship needs to be reciprocal. one person can't hold back while the other is open. both parties need to be in agreement as to the terms of the relationship. i don't condone her behavior. if she were mature, she would not have gone along with your rules. but you can't have your cake and eat it, which is what you tried to do with her (exclusive but not official - please). what she did was rebel, instead of removing herself from the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tanbark813 Posted October 4, 2002 Author Share Posted October 4, 2002 I'm not saying that she should have gone along with my rules, nobody put a gun to her head. But if she didn't like what I wanted, she could have told me she was gong to keep her options open as that would have been understandable. Instead she acted understanding while harboring this unspoken resentment. It wasn't so much me deciding if she was "good enough" for me. I didn't want to dive head first into anything and get too emotionally involved just in case something like this happened. The last few girls I've dated have all been liars and I wanted get to know her better and see if she was one too. I appreciate your take on the situation though. So what would you do if you were in my shoes? Link to post Share on other sites
MercyRose Posted October 4, 2002 Share Posted October 4, 2002 She doesn't trust you and she still resents you for 'rejecting' her. After having heard that you weren't ready she decided to keep her options open-very wise these days. But keeping the membership to these sites after you told her you want something more serious is fear-based. Its protection against being hurt by you, punishing you for not realizing how special she is sooner, insecurity, lack of trust in you and her own worth,emotional immaturity etc. Sounds like she has some emotional growing up to do but if you are truly interested in her you will forgive her human faults, tell her you found out about what she did, explain to her/ convince her that you are serious about her and basically give her another chance. If she doesn't clean up her act after all that then she is not emotionally ready for you so you can give up on her with your mind at peace that it wasn't anything you did. Don't forget that people are not perfect. She is only 20 so she hasn't had much of a chance to recognize when her reactions and behaviours are arising from emotional insecurity and fear. In fact even people alot older than her don't easily realise that either. It doesn't mean people are not worth it and should be given up on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tanbark813 Posted October 4, 2002 Author Share Posted October 4, 2002 Thanks for the responses, but none of it matters now. I just found out she's been seeing some other guy and telling him how much she loves him and wants to be with him for two months now. It's definitely over now. Time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted October 5, 2002 Share Posted October 5, 2002 just read your post now. you are right to think that she should have said something to you that her options would remain open - that's why i said that i don't condone her actions - they were immature. i would do exactly what you are doing....moving on. as you can see, both of you contributed to the relationship faltering (her for not being honest and you for setting unrealistic expectations for her). i can appreciate that you have been dealt bad cards by women in the past. liars are just no good...and they remain liars because they are cowards. hopefully the next person you meet will leave you feeling safe and secure so that you can go into it with an open heart. i know it's easier said than done because i don't know when i'll be ready to do what i hope you'll be able to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tanbark813 Posted October 5, 2002 Author Share Posted October 5, 2002 Thanks for the supportive response. It really does mean something to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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