can we begin again?

[Guest]

i've been with someone for about a year. we've been friends for about 5 years before we began our relationship.

it began long distance and we fell very much in love despite being apart. spent alot of time traveling and eventually i decided to move back to our hometown to be with him and start our future together.

 

when we first began our relationship, it was a little ambiguous, because we were finishing our previous relationships. i discovered that while we were long distance, that a week before he came to visit me for the first time, he had slept with another girl. i was heartbroken, because by that point, i had fallen in love with him. he was completely sick over it, and vowed that if i gave him the opportunity to prove himself to me that he would do whatever it took.

 

a few months after, i moved back to our hometown. it was a wonderful time and one we both felt strongly about. but my own personal trust issues have been a huge source of our fighting and unhappiness. he has made every possible effort to show me that he is a trustworthy person since and i do trust him with my heart. but my own past issues with trust are a huge part of this and i know i have transferred alot of that into this relationship.

 

in the middle of this, we have spoken multiple times of marriage and building a house together and i believe both of us want/wanted this very much. our relationship is very beautiful and sincere and i know our love is very powerful together. i asked him how he would feel about our relationship if we could magically dissolve our issues tomorrow and he said it would be wonderful.

 

we went away on a small vacation together two weeks ago and spoke very positively about the couples therapy appointment we had the next week.

 

the weekend before this apppointment, we had an enormous fight (which i instigated) that led to him leaving my house and "needing time and space to think".

 

i've been a wreck, mostly because i feel i've pushed him to this point. we've talked several times, and he is unable to tell me what he wants to do. he has left some of his stuff at my house and it gives me hope that he's not completely giving up. we went to dinner three nights ago, and its been almost impossible for me to hold it together.

 

i've lost weight and am not dealing with the separation anxiety very well at all, but i've been trying to be rational and deal with this in a less emotionally intense way. my crying and pleading has done nothing but drive him further and i want to make positive changes, not beg him to give me another chance.

 

he has said that maybe we should just end it when the conversation is heated, but when we are calm, he says he needs to "be alone for awhile".

he also says "right now..." at the end of alot of his sentences....such as "i just don't think i can go to talk to a therapist right now".

 

i have so much invested in this relationship and hate that it started out on such a bad note. but i am willing to make lifelong positive changes that will affect our future together. at the moment, i am waiting for him to make contact with me again.

 

i would like nothing more than to deal with this together, but i feel like i'm in limbo. i am trying to be patient and focus the energy on myself, but i love him dearly and cannot bear the thought of a life without him.

 

what steps should i take?