Do u have commitment problems??

[just_a_girl]

Hi everyone,

 

I'd love to hear from anyone who has ever had commitment problems since i never have and find it a little difficult to understand.

 

 

I'd love some of you to respond to the following questions to help give me and others insight to commitment problem people.

 

Some of the things i'm curious of and i'm sure others are also:

 

1. Have you been in a commited relationship before?

 

2. Do you only have no commited relationships?

 

3. Whats your defination of a non-commited relationship?

 

4. What caused commitment problems in your case?

 

5. Do you think your commitment problem will go away?

 

6. If yes to the above answer, what do you think will make it go away?

 

 

 

 

Much appreciated. :-))

[Tony T]

People usually have no idea whatsoever why they are having commitment problems. The dynamics are usually working underneath it all and are difficult to identify, even for the person with the problem.

 

I think your questions here are good ones but not easily answered by many people who don't really know what those answers are for themselves and have no idea why the other person won't make a commitment.

 

I have found there are four major problems why people have problems with commiting to one person, and thousands of lesser ones.

 

1. Fear - Some people, usually men, fear the responsiblity of having someone in their lives who will take up their time, require large amounts of energy, change their lifestyle, possibly be a drain on their limited funds, etc. Some people, usually men, fear a committed relationship will lead to marriage and they fear the attendent responsiblities, particularly the financial ones.

 

2. Indecisiveness - Some people, particularly men, subscribe to the "better deal" theory and don't want to take themselves out of circulation. They feel that if they commit to somebody, then somebody better will come along. Well, they are usually right. No matter who you pick to be in a committed relationship with, there is ALWAYS somebody better out there, perhaps in a different way.

 

However, those people can "better deal" themselves right to their graves and never enjoy the love, security and comfort of anybody. You'd be surprised at the number of people who go years and don't make any committment to love until some traumatic experience forces them to realize the love they are losing by doing so.

 

3. Dysfunctional Upbringing - There are many people who just don't understand committment because they never saw it in their childhood. They come from screwed up families, divorce, physical, mental or sexual abuse, etc. and just don't understand what real love is all about, how to handle it, etc. Somewhere down deep inside, they have a yearning to be loved but either fear or lack of knowledge keeps them away from it.

 

Very often, people from alchoholic or abusive families just have no foundation to understand the meaning or joy of a committed relationship. Since their parents were not committed to each other, and there was only chaos and instability in their lives early on, they equate love and committment with things they want no part of in their adult life.

 

Many of them do get involved in relationships but often they don't work out until the injured party gets massive doses of psychotherapy to repair the damage caused in their childhood.

 

4. Previous Experiences - Sensitive people who have been severely hurt once or repeatedly in affairs of love are not likely to want to get hurt again, parrticularly if they haven't had time to heal and recover from a particular traumatic break-up.

 

It's up to others to identify those who aren't ready for a relationship because of unresolved hurt...and steer clear from them until they work that out.

 

There are actually people out there who have been emotionally injured so severely in matters of love, they are terrified by the idea of being close to somebody and eventually having it end in great pain for them. They feel it's better just not to bother with it to begin with.

 

It's a cruel world out there sometimes.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]Ok, here are the answers to your questions, coming from a person who got out of an 8 year relationship a year ago and is scared as hell to get close to someone again.

 

1. Have you been in a commited relationship before?

Yes-- 8 years.

 

2. Do you only have no commited relationships?

Since I got out of my 8 year relationship, yes.

 

3. Whats your defination of a non-commited relationship?

A non-commited relationship, in my opinon, is one where the two people will hang out, casually date, have sex, but have no strings attached. Meaning that if you wanted to date other people and carry on the same activities with them like you are with him, that would be ok. It wouldn't constitute cheating since you aren't in a committed relationship.

 

4. What caused commitment problems in your case?

The committment problems came about later on in the relationship because frankly, I was way too young when I started dating him (16). I didn't have a chance to really live out a normal young adult life where you meet new people, date, have fun, and party. I started to feel restless and trapped. I wanted more out of life. I wanted to experience and see more things and I knew I had to do them alone. Hence, our breakup.

 

5. Do you think your commitment problem will go away?

Yes, eventually it will. In the year that I have been single, I have met so many new people, had so many new experiences, dated a lot of guys, and just cruised along life without a care really. It is so freeing and I am making up for lost time. Right now the concept of being in another deep relationship scares me to death, which means I am not ready for that right now. Once I am ready to settle down for good, then I won't have such issues with committment, since it will be a welcome and desired thing.

 

6. If yes to the above answer, what do you think will make it go away?

I think I already answered that question in my previous response.

 

Go with Tony's post. He makes good and valid points. There are many different reasons why people cannot committ. If you feel you are having problems committing, look deep inside yourself and try to figure out why.[/color]

[just_a_girl]

Originally posted by Leikela

[color=indigo]

 

3. Whats your defination of a non-commited relationship?

A non-commited relationship, in my opinon, is one where the two people will hang out, casually date, have sex, but have no strings attached. Meaning that if you wanted to date other people and carry on the same activities with them like you are with him, that would be ok. It wouldn't constitute cheating since you aren't in a committed relationship.

 

[/color]

 

Hi Leikela,

You responded to this question saying that even having sex with no strings attached is usually part of a non-commited relationship. I personally can't see how this is no-strings attached when a relationship involves sex, doesn't someone if not yourself get emotionally attached once it leads to sex? (Ofcourse unless you only meet up for sex).

 

I personally couldn't have sex with someone unless i felt they were really close to me and vice versa. However i do know that no everyone thinks the same way.

[just_a_girl]

I also thought of one other question...

 

 

Is it usually someone that you date casually (no-strings attached) that you may end up commiting to, or is it more liked someone completely new when the time is right?

 

(thanks again for anyone who responds).

 

:-)

[clia]

People who are commitment phobes will not commit until they are ready. I don't care how wonderful you are, how fabulous you are, or how great you get along. If they aren't ready, it will not happen. It's all a matter of timing.

 

If you want to read up on commitment phobes, check out He's Scared/She's Scared, or Men Who Can't Love. You can find them in the Relationships area at Borders or Barnes and Noble.

[butterflyz]

1. Have you been in a commited relationship before?

YES

 

2. Do you only have no commited relationships?

NO

 

3. Whats your defination of a non-commited relationship?

CASUAL - NO STRINGS

 

4. What caused commitment problems in your case?

I DON'T HAVE COMMITMENT PROBLEMS...JUST GUN SHY

 

5. Do you think your commitment problem will go away?

MAYBE IN TIME

 

6. If yes to the above answer, what do you think will make it go away?

IF I FIND SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO CONTROL ME OR MANIPULATE ME. MOST GUYS WANT TO DO THAT TO ME - IT MAKES ME RUN THE OTHER WAY - I FEEL SUFFOCATED.

 

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO ACT LIKE THEY ARE AUTHORITIES AND TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE. I NEED TO COME TO THOSE THINGS ON MY OWN...EVENTUALLY I DO...I AM PRETTY INTROSPECTIVE.

 

MY BIGGEST PROBLEM ARE MEN WHO INVALIDATE ME. FOR INSTANCE...IF A MAN STEPS IN AND TAKES ME OVER...I SEE IT AS THAT HE INVALIDATES ME AND MY LIFE. I DON'T SEE IT AS LOVING.

 

I'VE DONE IT TO MEN WHEN I SAY "YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL" AND TELL THEM HOW I SEE THEM PROGRESSING- THAT INVALIDATES WHO THEY ARE TODAY AND HOW MUCH ADVERSITY THEY'VE OVERCOME.

 

SURE, WE ALL NEED CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK - BUT NOT SHOVED DOWN OUR THROATS.

 

SO TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION...I'M NOT A COMMITMENT PHOBE, I DON'T RESPOND WELL TO CONTROLLING MEN. A CONTROLLING MAN WILL SEE ME AS A COMMITMENT PHOBE, BUT THEY NEED TO TAKE A LONG HARD LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND EXAMINE THEIR ACTIONS TO SEE HOW I RUN FROM THEM.

[Hannah]

I think all you people are missing something here. Why is commitment an assumed ideal? I have been in commited relationships before but CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE to have no-strings-attached, casual relationships. It is not because I am fearful, indecisive, dysfunctional, or have been hurt in the past. I just place more value on my career and my own freedom than shacking up with some guy. I love men, most of my friends are male. My last long-term relationship ended well, it was one of those rare mutual break ups because things had stagnated. I don't understand why everyone on this board assumes that people who don't commit have a "problem". It is so judgemental and a huge generalisation. Those of us who choose to live our lives alone may be in the minority but that does not mean that we are somehow damaged goods. We just want to realise our full potential as individuals, not one part of a half.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]Hannah,

 

The fact that you are so upset about the generalizations you interpretted from the previous postings speaks volumes on its own. However, you fail to grasp the real concept of this topic. We weren't saying that ALL people who cannot commit have problems. We were just addressing our own personal experiences, which happened to revolve around our pasts and other issues we face. We are aware of why at this point in time, we feel we cannot committ. I am sorry that those facts upset you so much. That is great you are healthy and choose to be single. If you read my post, I also state that I choose to be single but there are reasons behind it. Not because I am messed up but that is the life I want to live right now. So before you get upset over this forum, read between the lines and you'll see it isn't as clear cut and negative as you made it seem. It is just people expressing their experiences and trying to help one another. I am sorry you don't see it that way.[/color]

[Tony T]

Just like Leikela said, this entire thread deals with people who have been dating others for a very long time and the reasons why they don't want to make long-term committments.

 

Priests and nuns make long-term committments to their orders and God. Actors make long-term committments in contracts to make movies, etc. etc.

 

Your post was not written by someone who is happy being single or happy being at all. Happy people don't have to defend their state in life to anonymous Internet forum visitors. When Shakespeare wrote..."Me thinks thou doth protest too much" he was talking about people like you. This thread pushed a button inside of you that triggered a passionate, defensive retaliation.

 

If you were truly happy with your life, I don't think you would have found it necessary to get so wound up. There's something bugging you and no way I will every know because I'll never meet you. Could just be an anger problem. Could just be you're having a bad day. If that's the case, I do hope it gets better.

 

If this is the way you respond to people in general when they don't say what you want them to, it's no wonder you are not in a relationship.

 

But I truly want you to be happy. People without issues would not get all wound up and defensive about anything written here. It's all harmless information that people can take and do with what they choose. The fact that you decided to get so bent out of shape, as Leikdla pointed out, speaks volumes about you and your life situation.

 

Peace be with you!

[clia]

I don't see how anyone here insinuated that having a committed relationship was an ideal. There are people out there who have commitment problems and people who don't.

 

There is a world of difference between someone who chooses not to have a committed relationship and someone who is not capable of having a committed relationship.

 

In the former case, the person could have a committed relationship at this point in their life, but they choose not to. Some people just don't care to get married or have serious relationships. Fine. In the latter case, the person cannot have a committed relationship for any number of reasons, and they end up running away when relationships start heading in that direction. They cannot and will not get close to another person. They may even think they want to get married or have a serious relationship, but they can't do it. (Or they try to do it and end up failing miserably.)

 

I believe that there are many people who would put themselves in the former category, when actually they belong in the latter category. Many people who have commitment problems don't even recognize that they have them. They think they are making a conscious choice, when in reality they aren't. They aren't single because they choose to be. They are single because they have to be. They can't deal with making a commitment to another person. But still, they think they are making a conscious choice.

 

These are the people that bother me. I think it's great when people can just admit they have commitment problems instead of trying to gloss over it.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]just_a_girl,

 

In response to your last posting:[/color]

 

"Is it usually someone that you date casually (no-strings attached) that you may end up commiting to, or is it more liked someone completely new when the time is right?"

 

This type of question is hard, because it truly does vary on the situation. In some cases it goes one way and in other cases the other. What I can tell you from seeing my friends in relationships, is that they meet someone and instantly want to dive into a relationship with that person. I know a lot of people hook up this way, but it isn't the healthiest method. I believe that in order to committ to someone, you first have to take the time to get to know the person and really see if this is someone you would want to get serious with. That is just my own personal take on it though. Other people will feel differently.

 

As for your question about the no-strings attached/sex, etc, well some people can just have sex without feeling anything more. I never used to be someone that could do that either, but something changed within me and now I can see (and have experienced) how two people can just be in something for the sex. Me personally, I was only able to do the no-strings attached sex if I knew there was never going to be a chance for a repeat performance. I think for me, doing it more then once would mean it meant a little more then just sex.

 

To be brutally honest here, just last night I slept with a guy I had lusted after all summer long on my softball team. Word had it he was into me too. While some people will look at it as pure sex, I will admit it was something more for me, which is why I was able to do it. I also know it won't be the last time I hook up with this guy. There is a chemistry there that goes a little beyond just sex. There is a genuine interest in one another, among other things. Anyway, I guess my point here is that these types of situations are really up to the person. There is no "standard" of how things are supposed to work. Just ride the wave and you will work things out.

[Ally Boo]

1. Have you been in a commited relationship before?

 

Yes, and I always had an "out." Be it by not letting myself get totally "emotionally attached." Or by flirting with other men.

 

2. Do you only have no commited relationships?

 

I'm one of those that wants them to be committed to me, but freak out when that happens.

 

3. Whats your defination of a non-commited relationship?

 

a Booty Buddy...dont have those either LOL

 

4. What caused commitment problems in your case?

 

I think it has to do with my relationship with my dad.

 

5. Do you think your commitment problem will go away?

 

Yep, that's why I"m in counseling

 

6. If yes to the above answer, what do you think will make it go away?

 

oops already answered this one

[butterflyz]

to the thread, i am one of those that are unable to be in a commited relationship because, right now, i can't. i am in no position, emotionally, to give what is necessary.

 

as i posted before, i attract obsessive men who want to "own" me. yes, i've been to counseling, yes, i've taken breaks from dating (very long ones), i've tried to learn to detect things early on, but i keep missing the mark.

 

i am fiercely independent. but i have a tremendous capacity to love and give and support. i need to feel safe in order to do so.

 

one problem i've encountered is that people love you the way THEY want to be loved. when that happens, they miss your needs because they are too busy projecting their needs onto you. i am guilty of doing this to guys too. for instance: i used to leave little "love you" notes every where for one of my exes. one day i noticed he really wasn't impressed with the content or where i managed to hide them and surprise him. so i asked him, what's up? he said that he didn't need that to be happy, and that i was angry because i did it for him and he didn't do it for me. because it was how i wanted him to love me. but i didn't assess what his needs were.

 

just a thought.

[Ally Boo]

We have the problem of wanting to love someone how we want to be loved because its the only way we know how. The way to fix that is by talking to your partner and finding out what their needs are, and acting on them.

[butterflyz]

it's good to find out early on too, so no resentment kicks in.

[ruth]

really interesting discusion.

I'm dealing with a person who has commitment problems as defined by the previous person - gets involved for a year, wants intimacy and exclusivity, but won't do the usual things.

 

By that I mean meeting my friends, family, or generally letting people know we're an item

 

I've ended it a few times - he's tried genuinely to work through his attitudes but ultimately it hasn't worked, despite a strong mutual attraction

 

I think it's also fear of hurting someone's feelings - I know this is an aspect because I had this problem myself. I was scared I'd hurt someone I cared about deeply. What changed me? - a very strong man who had the strength to walk away. It took me good 5 months to realise how much I wanted him.

 

We were together for 8 years - it was one of the best things I've ever done.

 

There's no point feeling angry or unworthy if someone won't commit in the manner mentioned above - but it is painful.

Looking at sites like this and thinking about it constructively helps alot I find, so thanks to eveyone here.

[dialated]

I have recently broke up with a girl I was dating for 7 months (friends for 4 years before that.) She would tell me that she was not ready to be in a committed relationship.

 

However our actions did not exactly seem to be headed on a non-committed path. I slept over her place a few times a week (even had a key), she would call me everyday before leaving for work, we would spend a lot of time together--but she always said that she wasn't ready.

 

She told me last week that I am too good for her, she is not ready to love me the way I love her, and a lot of other things that just upset me more. It didn't make sense to me.

 

I know that this girl comes from a divorced family, and she was witness to and victim of domestic violence. She does somewhat admit that this has had an effect on her adult (she is 26) relationships, but says she is not ready to face that or deal with it.

 

She is upset now that she may loose my friendship since we stopped seeing each other--which may be true. But even now when she talks about trying to maintain our friendship she talks in terms and ideals that match more closely with a romantic, committed relationship than simply (even) best friends.

 

She has even asked if I could possibly remain sexually active with her if she were dating/seeing other guys. I said no way, not at all. If I wanted someone in my life just to have sex with I would not choose a close friend. I would have sex with such a close friend only if I thought we were both interested in taking that great friendship deeper.

 

I always seem to have the "female" emotional qualities, rather than the typical male ones. Most guys would kill for the chance to have a cool girl to sleep with and who didn't want a commitment from them. For me that doesn't make sense.