and scared

[mary1974]

I'm so scared and confused. I have a long story. I've been with only one man since we were both 15, we met in highschool fell head over heals in love and have been through probably more together in almost 17 years than some experience in a lifetime. We had what I condsider a rocky but wonderful relationship, I got pregnant and had our first child at 17 and the odds were against us but we stayed together and got married at 19, we had our second son at 24, by then rocky times were pretty much over we spent most of our time together as a family and were very happy. Then 2.5 years ago we moved from Ohio to Fl and everything seemed to fall apart. He wanted to move, I did not, but I did for him. I was very homesick for awhile and he just couldn't deal with it so he wasn't there for me. Then he became very close with a girl he worked with and was spending a whole bunch of time talking to her on his cell phone secretly behind my back, I found out, I didn't like it and asked him to stop, that's when everything really hit the fan, he quit but we haven't stopped fighting since, that was Oct. 2005 fought over that, and anything and everything else you could imagine, our life of unity as I knew it was over, we used to have one cell phone, that we shared, one car because I stayed home , he worked we even shared an email address, no secrets. Now it's total opposite, two phones, two vehicles, separate lives, he wants freedom and pivacy and says his phone and his stuff is none of my business and I don't need to know everything all the time. I feel that when you are married there shouldn't be secrets and complete privacy and that where he is and who he's talking to is my business, as my stuff is also his business. The beginning of last month we couldn't stop fighting and he left and stayed on a boat where he works, that lasted about 10 days and I couldn't stand being without him so I promised him I would be different and give him privacy and leave him alone and not be so jealous and possessive and he came back, we got along great until about a week ago and we started fighting again, our 2 kids are suffering over our fighting and the tension in our house. We've both admitted that we "love" eachother but that we don't feel very much "in love" anymore. He's talking about leaving again yet as unhappy as we both are neither of us can seem to let go. We don't have much anymore, the feelings of "being in love" are almost gone, our sex life is nearly non-existant, I don't know what's keeping us together yet I'm scared as hell to lose him, I even have suicidal thoughts when I think of living my life without him. Over the past year and a half we've been to therapists, you name it we've tried it but we can't fix anything, we come back to the same old same old all the time. I'm scared to death to be without him, I don't know how to be alone I've never dated let alone been with another man, I've only even kissed one other guy in my lifetime. I know nothing about dating, but know I do not want to be alone, I enjoy being in a relationship and sharing everything with someone I love. We have some qualities in our relationship that no one I know does, for instance we never go to bed without each other, for 17 years we go to bed at the same time even if one of us isn't tired, we both go, we give eachother a hug and kiss whenever we part and say "I love You" each time one of us leaves or hangs up on the phone. These are unique special things to me that I know I'll never find with anyone else. Is it possible that maybe we'll fall back in love again, or is it really over? I'm afraid that he'll stay and we'll tip toe around and get along but that "in love" feeling will never really come back and then he'll leave anyway. This is alot to walk away from, I'm talking half of my life here, I'm so scared and as unhappy as I am I don't want to be separated from him. What do I do, please help me!!!!!

[Ladyjane14]

I'm afraid that he'll stay and we'll tip toe around and get along but that "in love" feeling will never really come back and then he'll leave anyway.

 

It's completely possible for feelings of love to return to a longstanding relationship. It happened in my marriage, so I don't see why it can't happen for any other two people who truly want it.

 

That said, it's never going to be the wild-eyed passion of the infatuation stage you experienced when you first met... but it DOES have it's own rewards.

 

It sounds to me like your husband got wrapped up with this co-worker and more than likely reexperienced those kind of feelings. Now, he's comparing what he has at home to this knock-kneed, butterflies in the stomach, feeling and finding it lacking.

 

It's important to remember that there's a biophysical payoff when a person is "infatuated". Their body is actually producing a kind of chemical reaction in response to the object of their desire. And it's a bit of an addicting feeling. IOW, just the same as you'd get a big adrenaline or dopamine rush in response to an exciting activity like hang-gliding or rock-climbing... you're getting a "payoff" whenever you're exposed to this exciting person.

 

Now, I can't tell you for sure or not if there's something going on still. The fact that your husband is insisting on privacy at a time when he's GOT to be aware that his wife is feeling particularly insecure raises a bit of a red flag for me though.

 

That "red flag" taken together with the addictive 'biophysical response to infatuation' ought to put you on your guard enough so you keep your peepers open, but try not to be overly paranoid. Your husband's insistance on privacy could be as simple as him feeling a bit trapped in the marriage right now. Let's not rule anything out yet.

 

Meantime, the first thing you need to do is STOP the fighting. It's not good for the kids and it's not good for the marriage. If you chase... he's just going to RUN anyway. My suggestion to you would be to go to the marriagebuilders website and read all the information in the Basic Concepts section... with special attention paid to "Love Busters". Also type the words "what are plan a and plan be, marriagebuilders" into your browser and read the article you find there.

 

Your best bet, regardless of if there is an affair afoot or not, is to present yourself as an ATTRACTIVE alternative to wreck and ruin. You should stay with that for 3-6 months if possible, all the while tracking down and resolving Resentments. Because....

 

It is built-up Resentments which prevent the flow of Love. Think of it like a river that's all dammed up and each of the old resentments are like logs blocking the flow. Once the resentments are cleared, it's possible to FEEL love for the other person again. Right now, y'all are probably only getting a trickle, an "in-love" feeling every now and then. But once you've dealt with the old issues and committed yourselves to MUTUAL FORGIVENESS of ALL your previous transgressions against one another... you're free to start again with a 'clean slate'. Kindness and consideration, rather than bickering and finding fault, become the rule of the day.

 

Bear in mind, you can't make CHOICES for anyone else. But you CAN make your own. And you can CHOOSE to address whatever complaints your husband has had over the years which might have contributed to these "built-up resentments".

 

I think it's important to look at each one with NEW EYES and see if they have merit or not. Sometimes our partner is just shadow-boxing, because... for whatever reason, he's looking for an escape hatch. In that case, not all of his complaints will be valid. But I think it's still worthwhile to review his more consistant complaints from the years previous and see if maybe he has a point with some of them. Fixing whatever you find that's "valid" will go a long way toward addressing those old resentments.

[FlyingHigh]

Completely agree with LJ.

 

It seems an "affair" is brewing between your H and his co-worker. Read also HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS on www.marriagebuilders.com if you haven't already.

 

While you are in Plan A & B, consider part of the process a game of competition between you and your H's potential OW. While this may not sound appealing, the reality of it is that IT IS. You have to beat the OW at her game of luring your H away from you by luring him away from her. And this means, making yourself attractive. A part of the "emotional needs" process. And you can do it regardless whether or not you have two kids or five.

 

You see, some men are like dogs to some extent. They can easily be lured. While the OW is throwing him a bone, throw him the real thing instead --- a steak. You throw him enough steak, he won't be going back for the bone. :D

[debilou]

Ladyjane is the best. I second everything she said.

 

Just wanted you to know that others are reading your thread also. LJ was my life saver a few years ago. I only hope to be of support to you now.

 

Take care, Debilou

[PWSX3]

I'm scared to to be without him, I don't know how to be alone I've never dated let alone been with another man, I've only even kissed one other guy in my lifetime. I know nothing about dating, but know I do not want to be alone, I enjoy being in a relationship and sharing everything with someone I love.

This just might be me, but it looks like you are getting your cart before your horse.

Don't worry about dating someone else, if you could date someone else, etc. that is just using up energy you don't need to think about at this time.

 

I also feel maybe there are things you could be doing for yourself, you say you have never been on your own so maybe you look for to much from your H in making yourself a happy person.

 

Just like the others, it is very helpful to start reading, educate yourself and not just about the womans side of a relationships but read about how a man looks at things. Woman and men are two different kind of people and it doesn't hurt to kind of understand the other side.

 

Something you might try and remember when you argue it takes to to argue, so if you were able to control what you say on your end maybe those arguments wouldn't be so bad. You can't control what the other person says, but you might be able to change what is said by your own actions. I know for me this has been something I am working on and it's not just my relationship, but daily life.

[hopeto]

I am so sorry you are going thru what you are. I am in the same boat. I have been with my husband for 18 years. it is not the best times of my life and yet it has never been the worst. we were on a rocky relationship as well. What is funny it is just as you described except he has an adiction to porn. I am non-exzistant in his eyes. I too feel the very same way you do. I am seaking help and the only thing he tells me is I will get stronger. I think the same thoughts as you. I am really having a bad day today.

 

1/29/2007:o my six year old had a break down last night. she was crying and saying she did not want us to divorce that she loved us both and she did not want to leave her home that she has only known. but husband does not care. he is into himself and really that is all that matters to him. he is as cold as ice. it is not bothering him what our daughter is feling or even me for that matter. my doc says that the reason we are so scared to live life without him is because he is all we have known. you see I was raped as a child so not only am I scared to live life without him he was my security blanket on being safe. I love him with my hole heart. problem is he does not love me. and yes it is killing me.

 

I do not want a divorce but he does. so I cant make him love me. as much as I want him to I cant. so I know it may not help you but just know there are others even though you feel there is not there is others that are feeling the same as you and we need to lean on each other for support. I love ya and if you need me I will be here.

[mary1974]

Thanks for the replies. We've been fighting for days and seems all we can do is pick out eachother's faults and make matters worse. We are so angry at one another it's hard to believe these two people ever were in love. There's huge resentment here on both our parts, see he says I should just except that he's close with women and leave him alone, he's always liked to be friends with women more than men and I've known that since we were 15 yet I never liked it. However, into the relationship most of his friends were mine too so it was more exceptable. Now, he's with women I don't know and never will. Now he's telling me how he's been going up into his bosses apartment who happens to be our age, loaded, and good looking, he says he goes up there sometimes when work is slow and there's nothing to do so he hangs out, today he told me she called him on his cell to ask if he had any cigarettes so he went up to her apartment and they talked for a half hour. (mind you this is a new woman and new workplace from the other situation and girl I described earlier) He says he doesn't see anything wrong with it and thinks it shouldn't bother me, I particularyly don't like my husband hanging out in a young woman's apartment, she also knows there is trouble in our marriage, since he asked her if he could stay on the marina's boat when we split up. He basically says there's nothing wrong with him being so friendly with women, there's nothing going on, there just friends and so on. This behaviour causes major problems in our marriage. He also looked at porn constantly for years too as I see alot of on this board, while our sex life suffered. He says I've bugged him about my feelings too much over the past year and a half and my mouth and behavior has made his love for me diminish greatly, he says he is not happy in the marriage but willing to give it another try and if "I fu*k Up" one more time he's gone those were his words two nights ago, now he phrases it as if we start fighting again one more time he's gone no questions asked, no bickering etc. I want to know why all the burden falls on me to keep it together, why do I have to take this bull****, secretiveness, women friends, don't talk about my feelings, leave him alone, just shut up, you name it I've heard it. I have talked alot about our problems but that's only because I've been desparately trying to find a way to fix them or make him see my point of view, he says all I do by talking and fighting with him is make it worse he says that if I would've just "shut up" immediately after I found out about him and this girl at work we'd be just fine right now. I would truly like to know how many of you out there would put up with your H talking to another woman behind your back several times a day, everyday?? Because he thinks I'm crazy and a bitch for being mad over that. Well, I guess it doesn't matter, the real problem at hand is how we can overcome our anger toward one another and find love with eachother again, man this hurts!!

[Ladyjane14]

Well, it appears I left out some pertinent information from my previous post.

Yeah... I did all the things that I mentioned to you, and it worked gangbusters for me. But I only did those things AFTER I'd already seen an attorney and told my husband in no uncertain terms that I was divorcing him.

 

I want you to understand that this was not a bluff or an ultimatum. I meant EXACTLY what I told him and, at the time, I wasn't planning on entertaining any discussion of marital recovery. I was done. I was tired of the porn, and tired of the strange girls instant messaging and phoning, and I was completely intolerant of sharing my husband in any way. I figure I caught on maybe about two weeks before he would have consummated one of these "friendships". He already had plans to travel and meet this person.

 

I can't tell you what to do, because it's UNWISE to put out an ultimatum if you're unwilling to accept either outcome. But I can tell you that my husband didn't take me seriously until I made it REAL for him.

[mary1974]

Thank god for xanax. He left tonight making it clear he's done with me and doesn't want to be with me anymore. Now I guess I need to know how to deal with the loss, I don't even know how I'll support myself financially, This really sucks cause I have no money for an attorney or anything. What will I do with the pain, cause damn I'm hurting like never before.

[ilmw]

Thank god for xanax. He left tonight making it clear he's done with me and doesn't want to be with me anymore. Now I guess I need to know how to deal with the loss, I don't even know how I'll support myself financially, This really sucks cause I have no money for an attorney or anything. What will I do with the pain, cause damn I'm hurting like never before.

 

I just wanted to let you know... that LS is here for you....

 

I can't say... I know how you are feeling... but I do understand the hurt..

 

Trust me... you will get better.... you will get stronger... You need to find yourself... find your centre... in doing that.. you will discover much strength. When you find yourself... you see that you need no one. You just would like to share with someone.. if that is where you are at.

 

You are facing hard times... but be patient. There are many on LS.. that can help you... many ladies on here have been through HELL... already... have the scares.. the war wounds... the VETS... they will help you....k

 

Keep posting ok... it WILL help you... I promise.

 

I'll jump in once and a while... to say.. keep your chin up...

ilmw

[Ladyjane14]

He left tonight making it clear he's done with me and doesn't want to be with me anymore.

 

What happened? Was there some kind of confrontation or arguement?

 

I don't even know how I'll support myself financially, This really sucks cause I have no money for an attorney or anything.

 

Do you have any family to help you, or are they all back in Ohio? If it was me, I'm emotionally close with my family, so if push comes to shove... they've got my back. My husband wouldn't think to push me that hard, because he KNOWS I'd pack up the kids, the dog, and the household goods down to the last tupperware and then go on back to my homestate. He'd play hell trying to root me out of there too.

 

I'd file for legal separation and have child custody and support orders before he knew what hit him.

 

Still... I think you need to talk to an attorney before you do ANYTHING. In all honesty, even as hot-headed as my reaction would be... I'd see a lawyer before I made any moves that might cause me problems down the road. Call around and see if you can find any that offer free or low-cost initial consults.

 

I know it sucks to be going through all this. But if you don't intend to continue sharing your husband with random women... you're going to have to make a stand. You might very well end up divorced when you do. But what you won't end up with is a husband you have to spy on all the time because he prioritizes other women ahead of you and his family dynamic.

[debilou]

Are you in individual counseling? I don't know what state you're in and I don't know about your income but you can check on free everything. I'm in Florida and there's help for people when they need it.

 

I know how you're feeling. Been there. I remember the pain and shock of it all. I still dream about my STBXH and I getting back together. In all reality that would be the worse thing for me. It took a LONG time for me to finally accept that.

 

I am so sorry that you are having to go thru such trauma. We're here for you.

 

This will not be a short story in your life. This is just the beginning of a long road. TRY to rest, try to take care of yourself. Only you can take care of you.

 

I had a great family when my H walked out. But I didn't believe what they could see so I turned my back on them to be loyal to my H. The cheating dog he was and is. Eventually I could see for myself and my family gladly took me back.

 

Do you have friends who can support you emotionally and help with the kids? I wish I could be there to help you. I'll do what I can from my computer.

 

A good book would be "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. You can check it out at the library. You are worth more than you feel right now. This will get better. It will become more clear with time.

 

Take care, Debilou

[dgiirl]

As always, LJ gives excellent advice!

 

The only thing I can add is the fear of living alone. My exh was the first and only man I've ever been with. We were together for 11 years, married for 8, before he decided to abandon me. I thought the world was going to end. I was so dependent on my exh, I felt he was my life and even before he told me he was leaving, I was starting to have suicidal thoughts whenever I thought of him dying on me. I guess subconsiously I knew something was wrong. I was also suffering from anxiety and depression. I didnt know how to cook. I didnt know how to pay bills. I was petrified of doing such mundane daily things. I remember being petrified of talking to the baker to ask him to cut a loaf of bread. My anxiety was at an all time high, and I was litterally petrified of everything.

 

I too had thoughts about how I'll never date again, how i'll never be intimate with someone. But PW is right! At this moment, just take one day at a time. Right now, today, you are not ready to date! So stop worrying about dating. Take that pressure and stress off yourself. Thinking about it is not doing you any good.

 

I can tell you from my own experience that being alone is not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I was petrified of living alone and now I absolutely LOVE it. I've learned to feed myself. I've learned to buy groceries. I've learned to pay bills. I've learned to buy things (just bought a big screen tv a few months ago!!) I've learned to be happy with myself. I've learned to entertain myself. I've learned to go to places by myself and I absolutely love it. I've also learned that you are never truely alone, especially if you live in some kind of city. For me, there are people EVERY where. And most people are GOOD people. If you are ever stuck, you can always ask someone for help, and most people love to help other people. It's their good deed for the day and makes THEM feel good, so in turn you asking for help is making someone else feel good.

 

Like you, I moved straight from my parents house in with my exh. I never lived alone. This is the BEST thing I've ever done and I should have done it WAY before moving in with my exh. If I ever have kids, I will strongly encourage them to live alone before getting married. I've become a lot more liberated. I've become a lot more capable. I've become a lot less afraid of living alone. I've grown up. I know now, if I ever have another serious relationship, I wont put up with as much bs as I did in my marriage. I wont be afraid to leave. I know now that I'd rather live alone the REST of my life than to live with someone who makes me feel absolutely crappy about myself. My exh constantly made me doubt myself. I was too demanding. I was too controlling. I wasnt capable of doing this or that. After he left me, I started to gain back my self esteem. I started to LIKE myself again. There's no constant fear of this or that. And looking back on my relationship, I SHOULD have been the one to leave long ago. But the fear of living alone kept me in that relationship.

 

I think you need to explore living alone. Or atleast learning to live a little more independently. It sounds like you've made your husband the center of your universe, and if he leaves, you're going to hurt like hell. But in order to have a healthy successful relationship, you DO need to keep some of your independence. You cant rely solely on one person for your happiness. You need to learn to draw from multiple sources so that when you have one area going through trouble, you can rejuvinate yourself from other sources, and are more capable of attacking the problem. Never put all your eggs in one basket. Works in life too. You need to maintain friendships outside of the marriage. You need to have outside hobbies.

 

LJ's right in that you do need to make a stand. If your choice is between being afraid of living alone and putting up with an unfaithful husband who makes you constantly feel like your crazy and blames you for every single fight and tells you that if YOU **** up one more time he's out, after going through what I've gone through, I'd be like "SEE Ya!" and start enjoying my single life again! Trust me, you can have a VERY good life after divorce, but only if you are determined too! I'm having an absolute BALL doing all these new things I've never done before. I'm meeting new people, going to concerts by myself and dancing with strangers. It's a LOT of fun.

[mary1974]

In response to ladyJ, there was some confrontation, I tried to leave him alone after we got home from work at he was distant and mean. Then he called me in our room and said I should listen to the words of some Bob Marley song about being done with a relationship or something, Then we started discussing things again and he no matter how I tried to remind him of how good it used to be and how it could be good again given a chance, he just kept saying he'd give it another chance but doesn't feel it will work anyway, he told me again and again all night how he's done, he's dead inside, I've broken him and he's sorry that the truth hurts but he loves me and always will but isn't in love with me so much anymore, so after hours of pleading my case of why he should try, he counteracted everything with negativaty about how things will never be the same too much has been said and done and he just doesn't feel much for me anymore so I told him he might as well go now then and he jumped on it, and was angry at me for it!! I made a mention about how he'd probably end up dating his boss Christi and he said if he did that's his choice and his business and that if he was single she is someone he'd consider dating cause she's a nice person, I think he already has it in his mind that he wants her and I think she does to always calling him up into her apartment and stuff, I feel telling right the hell off!!! But I know that would just make things worse. This morning he came home to watch our sick son while I went to work cause he's off today and he again said he was sorry that he couldn't stay me and I told him where to stick his apologies. Then he said what if he said he was sorry and wanted to stay what would I say and I said I didn't know, and he said he was only asking cause he was curious if I'd say "too little too late" or what I'd say, he didn't say it was he wants to stay, I don't him to quit jerking my emotions around and don't say that again unless he means it and wants to stay but he didn't. I'm at work and it's taking everything in me to keep it together, I'm scared beyond belief and the anxiety is out of control. I have not one close friends here in fact I really don't have any friends at all, all my family is in Ohio and very little money and can't find an attorney to help me free at first or for little, I'm just literally sick over this. Public assistance will be hard to get without a legal separation and child support forms and him still using our address for all his stuff. Now I also need a new car, yet another payment because we have a blazer that's in his name and a two seater work van that would not suffice in him using to pick up the kids or anything. Some one also replied and said they live in fl and I was wondering if maybe they were close by, I'm in Gibsonton, just below tampa. I'm literally sick to my stomach with fear, and the thought of him moving on with someone else makes me want to throw up and more than that to be honest, my jealousy is off the charts. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ladyjane14]

I'm literally sick to my stomach with fear, and the thought of him moving on with someone else makes me want to throw up...

 

That's normal.... unpleasant to be sure, but still a normal reaction. Heck, we refer to that around here as "The Infidelity Diet". I lost 20 pounds in a month on mine.

 

You'll need to take care of yourself. Emotional trauma can cause significant stress on the body. Eat right, sleep right, and avoid alcohol. See your doctor if it gets really worrisome.

 

Mary, it sucks... but when your spouse flakes out on you, you've got to step up to the plate. You've got NO TIME for falling apart, right?

 

I'm going to give you a link to Mum2Three's thread. Initially, her situation looked alot like yours, with red flags indicating the husband might be wayward. Turns out, he had a little "friendship" going on with a co-worker.

 

Anyway, it's a fairly long thread with some good start-up's in the way of recommended books and links to other threads.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t106880/

[mary1974]

Well tonight was I think the absolute rock bottom. When I got home from work, he was still home, he told me he would be gone before I got here but he wasn't, something told me I should turn around until he left but I didn't, I was reading some of the posts on the computer and should have known better, I left it on the screen, and he sat down and started reading it, I minimized it only to prevent him from getting mad at me and instead the **** hit the fan. He said people would only agree with me cause there are only a bunch of scorn women on here and if he posted what kind of person I was everyone would see differently. He started saying horrible things like he said this morning he said the reason he asked me what would I say if he said he was sorry and wanted to stay, he said he was setting me up that if I said I wanted him to he was going to say "too little too late". He also said that if he wants to date his boss after we're divorced that it's none of my business which he knew would infuriate me beyond belief which it did. He said him staying home was a test and I failed it, he said he wanted to test the waters to see if I changed at all but he could see I didn't, I told him he shouldn't play games with me that of course I'm not gonig to be nice and friendly when he told me he was leaving me and I knew I'd be watching him pack his bags soon which would hurt me, he said I know nothing because basically my acting out blew it. We both screamed hurtful things at one another, he said I'm F*cked up in the head since the day I was born and everything mean you can imagine, I'm crazy and dillusional, I lost it and I shouldn't have but I hit him several times, he told me to stop I couldn't help myself the anger in me was out of control over the games he was playing and the hurtful things he was saying and what usually is only verbal turned physical right back at me, he through me around, I hit him, he knocked my glasses off my face and stomped on them knowing I cannot see without them and I only have one pair (they are fixed but still), my kids are in the next room and he went on to tell me what a horrible mom I am for doing this with the m home, we shoved eachother around some more. My 14 year old son stormed out of the house. I don't understand how he can always turn this around on me, it's always my fault because I minimized a screen, he said I always want to see his stuff but mine is none of his business, I don't see how he can actually be mad at me??? I know I was calling him stupid and everything and yelling at him but he never wants to see that it's because he is hurting me so damn bad!!!!!! When you are cruel to someone anger comes out, coupled with the fact I knew he's walking out on me which is hurtful enough in itself and also because he calls me pyscho, nuts, fu"cked up in the head, knowing that I am very sensitive about that because I have bipolar disorder in my family and have been scared to death of that all my life. Why is he doing this to me? What in hell happened to the loving husband I knew, all he can say is what he says is the truth and too bad if the truth hurts, how can someone be so cruel?? And why in the hell do I still love him?? He says I'm pyscho for believing that he's doing anything wrong, I told him I would call his boss and have a chat with her and he handed me his cell phone and said go ahead so one more person can think you are as crazy as I do, he's like the truth hurts doesn't it? I know I've done wrong but it seems nothing I do is right, he'll find something in everything I do to pick at, then he tells me go ahead call my mom, the two of us deserve eachother, when my mom has treated his ass like son all these years. What the hell, it's like an alien took over the body of what once was a caring man who loved me, he says I drove him to this that I've been a horrible person and caused this with my words and actions over not believing him that he's not cheating or doing anything. I wish I had a crystal ball right now to tell me what's wrong with him, I think he's possessed or something. I just know we apologized to the kids, he left, and I cannot let this ever happen again, never, I can't see my kids so upset again.

[mary1974]

For those of you that believe in prayer, I need it, please if you believe pray for me that my husband will stop hurting me, I know two wrongs do not make a right but every single thing I have done has been out of sheer hurt and pain, every bad thing I've said to him, everything has been out of pain he has caused me, I never would behave like this without severe pain inflicted upon me. Maybe prayer will make him realize this, maybe prayer will make him open his eyes and admit how much of this is his fault, which in my opinion is about 80% atleast, I need prayers and lots of them, for strength and for him to be more sorry and regretful then he ever has been in his life, prayer that after all is said and done maybe someday we can forgive eachother which is looking very bleak right now. Just prayers!! Please! I've been praying for a year and a half for my old husband back but I don't think anyone up there hears me.

[debilou]

I don't want to sound negative ..... but my H never seemed to regret putting me and my kids through hell. Your H may be a different man than mine. Good luck in that area. You're right about the alien taking over his body. That's exactly what's happened. YOU CAN'T stop it. You can only control yourself and your actions.

 

I can feel how desperate you've become . . . and I'm sorry for you. Your H is playing games with you. You REALLY need to get the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. He is a CHRISTIAN. READ THIS BOOK. You will see that your H will do to you only what you allow. You can check it out at the library.

 

We're here for you. Keep posting and reading other posts and you'll realize what's going on is sooooooo typical. I never saw it coming for me, never thought I'd be divorced. I truly believed my H couldn't live without me. Not true. He's doing just fine. Most of my situation isn't really about me . . . it's about me being the thing he controlled and manipulated. Hind sight, hind sight, hind sight. A lot of counseling helped me.

 

It's hard to do but in time you'll realize the people being hurt the most are the kids. You can't take back the trauma they're going thru. I KNOW you ARE NOT the person who started this, neither was I, but you have to take the high road and be a better person than your H. You are all they (kids) have. Take your responsibility as the loving and wonderful mother that you know you are.

 

I STILL cry in front of my kids and complain about their dad even though I know I shouldn't. DO AS I SAY AND NOT AS I DO would be where I'm coming from. This has been the hardest thing I've ever been through. By the way, my youngest son has mild cerebral palsy, accompanied by several by products of that. This D has been harder on me than my son's condition. The D is like death. Death would have been easier, in a way it has been death. The man I thought I married died. Some weirdo lives in his body.

 

Take care, Debilou

[Ladyjane14]

He says I'm pyscho for believing that he's doing anything wrong....

 

...he says I drove him to this that I've been a horrible person and caused this with my words and actions over not believing him that he's not cheating or doing anything.

 

Well, if it turns out he's gaslighting you, I hope you have your attorney bend him in half.

 

Look Mary, you've GOT to pull yourself together. People on message boards can't really know what's going on in your home, and we have no way to help you. The only one on hand that can help you... is YOU. You're gonna have to ride to your own rescue here. You're gonna have to get a plan.

 

I know it's hard, but you just don't have the luxury of falling apart right now. Your kids are depending on you. They're watching and learning by observing how you handle this. Don't ever forget that.

 

First and foremost, you seriously need to get a plan. Talk to your friends and family members and see if they can help you develop one. And remember.... you can't post ANYTHING about it here. Your husband will most likely be reading along, and your plans are no longer any of his business. Very much like what he said to you about dating his boss. He said that wasn't your business, well neither is your divorce strategy his business. He wants a divorce? Sorry, but that's just part and parcel.

 

Ordinarily, I might give you a bunch of advice on repairing the marriage. But your husband seems to 'get off' on tormenting you. He's either cheating or he's not. Either way.. his treatment of you is horrible.

 

If he's not cheating, his actions are still cruel. He knew you were flipping out over his "secret friendship" of last year. (We call that an Emotional Affair around here, btw. When a "friendship" needs to be secret... it's pretty much inappropriate for married people) Anyway, rather than address the insecurities that he, himself, brought about... he elected to continue winding you up. That's just wrong.

 

And if it turns out he is cheating.... he's gaslighting you. (That's what we call it when a cheating spouse continues to lie to his mate, even though he knows the lies are causing her even MORE pain and anguish.) In terms of the marital relationship, gaslighting the spouse is one of the most cruel behaviors that a person can engage in. It makes the betrayed spouse feel like they're going crazy.

 

Anyway, my advice to you is to put your kids first. Make your decisions based on what's best for them. Childhood goes by all too quickly. It's not right that they be exposed to the chaos of parents who are out-of-control in their behavior. Be the strong one and create a safe haven for them within the home. :bunny:

 

Meanwhile, I want you to remember the old adage..."There's nothing to fear, but fear itself". Divorce is not the end of your life. Scroll up and read Dgiirl's post to you again. In actuality, divorce can be the beginning of a new and better life... one WITHOUT all the daily negativity, one where there's nobody on your back finding fault with you all the time.

 

You've asked for our prayers, and there's some good folks around here so I'm sure you'll have them. Honestly though, I do believe the Lord wants us to meet Him halfway. And... this is my personal viewpoint, but I don't believe He will affect the free will that He has chosen to give us. To my mind, what that means is that if your husband elects to excercize his free will to be an ASSCLOWN ... I don't think the Lord will stop him. That said, I do believe He will grant you strength to face life's hurdles if you'll just meet Him halfway.

[dgiirl]

I was reading some of the posts on the computer and should have known better, I left it on the screen, and he sat down and started reading it, I minimized it only to prevent him from getting mad at me and instead the **** hit the fan. He said people would only agree with me cause there are only a bunch of scorn women on here and if he posted what kind of person I was everyone would see differently.

 

Mary, this is hilarious. The only reason why we "agree" with you is because we're a bunch of scorned women? Yah, ok. Like only scorned women disapprove of cheating He knows what he's doing is WRONG. But he has no morals to do what's right, so he's shifting the focus back onto you and accuses us of being scorned women. It's a classic way of avoiding the spot light by shifting it onto someone else.

 

 

He started saying horrible things like he said this morning he said the reason he asked me what would I say if he said he was sorry and wanted to stay, he said he was setting me up that if I said I wanted him to he was going to say "too little too late".

 

This is such a mean thing to do. If that was really what he was going to say, what kind of person would do that? What kind of person deliberarly set's up another person in such a manner? Definitely not anyone with self respect! I dont care what kind of person you are, you could be the most evil person in the world (which I'm sure you are not), his actions here speak volumes of what type of person HE is. If he had ANY character, he would act with a lot more integrity than this.

 

He also said that if he wants to date his boss after we're divorced that it's none of my business which he knew would infuriate me beyond belief which it did.

 

Unfortunately, this is true. But again, I dont know why he feels the need to point this out. It's just adding insult to injury.

 

 

I lost it and I shouldn't have but I hit him several times, he told me to stop I couldn't help myself the anger in me was out of control over the games he was playing and the hurtful things he was saying and what usually is only verbal turned physical right back at me, he through me around, I hit him, he knocked my glasses off my face and stomped on them knowing I cannot see without them and I only have one pair (they are fixed but still), my kids are in the next room and he went on to tell me what a horrible mom I am for doing this with the m home, we shoved eachother around some more.

 

I wont scold you too much on this, because you seem to feel total remorse already for this. But please do not get physical with him again. For your own self respect and the welfare of your kids, dont let yourself get so angry that you need to attack him. You both risk being put into jail, and having your kids see this is child abuse. It will scare them for a lifetime. I still have memories of my parents fighting as a child.

 

he says I drove him to this that I've been a horrible person and caused this with my words and actions over not believing him that he's not cheating or doing anything.

 

Once again, he shifts the blame onto you. That you are to blame for HIS actions. He ducts any and all responsibility. Noone else can be blamed for a person's actions except that person. I dont care how evil or mean spirited that person was, nothing justifies being mean back. If you have any respect or dignity, no matter what the other person does, you can still act in a respectful manner. Your reactions defines what type of person YOU are, and more so when you take the high road.

 

I dont know if your husband is cheating yet or not, and I'll bet you any money that your definition of cheating and his definition of cheating are NOT the same. But his actions or reactions are of a mean spirit. He NEEDS to blame you in order for him to justify his actions to himself. He NEEDS to believe you are this horrible person in order for him to feel justified in pursuing this "friendship" with this other woman. Otherwise, if you were not this horrible person, he couldnt make any sense out of his actions. It wouldnt make logical sense and he'd have to take responsibility for his actions and choices. He's not ready to take responsibility, thus he makes you out to be the bad guy, deliberately does things to make you upset, thus giving him reasons to believe you are horrible.

 

If your husband is reading this, if you are so unhappy, then leave. There is absolutely NO reason for you to kick her while she's down. Yes, she loves you, and will be hurt greatly by you leaving, but she will get over that. But there's absolutely NO reason for you to rub in her face this other woman too. Doing so just loses your own integrity. In a year or two from now, are you going to be proud of yourself and the way you handled this situation? Will you be proud of intentionally being mean to her while she's grieving? This isnt about taking sides. This is about you acting with integrity for your own well being.

[mum2three]

LJ is right, get your divorce plan and don't post it here. I felt like I was reading my own posts in your story except that my H is too arrogant to leave the house. He is a control freak and doesn't want to lose a dime to me.

 

He is emotionally abusing you and stomping all over your self esteem. My H and I had a similar explosive confrontation but not to that physical degree. You must avoid that sitch so that it doesn't happen again. It will get you nowhere. I know you can't believe you wanted to pound him silly and you can even be physical with your H. IMLW can tell you that you can get yourself in a bind that way.

 

Listen to your gut feelings about OW. My H tried to play off the relationship saying OW is a "good friend" and was there to listen to his complaints about me and our troubled M. I also asked him if he was going to have a relationship with her and his response was similar to your H. They don't want to fully say yes b/c that is admitting fault but they are leaving the doors open.

 

It's like an alien took over the body of what once was a caring man who loved me, he says I drove him to this that I've been a horrible person and caused this with my words and actions over not believing him that he's not cheating or doing anything...

 

Since confronting my H about her, he has lost his "nice" face. He is completely arrogant, self-righteous, and self-serving. He called me a b*tch and said he was so hurt that I would think he would be unfaithful blah blah blah... I wonder why I would think that when I have a stack of cell records showing their numverous calls to each other. Your H's boss has NO business calling him outside of work unless he is giving her permission. It goes both ways and it is your H's responsibility to manage that.

 

my acting out blew it..... Your H will set up false sitch to make you feel like he has tried to save the M but you failed at his tests. It is a crazy twisted way of justifying his actions but it takes two people to be simultaneously conscious about making positive changes. He is setting you up to fail.

He is also making you look crazy when you suggested talking to OW. He wants you to think that you are making a big deal out of nothing. But in truth, it is something that he hasn't owned up to and it is a roadblock in your M and how the both of you are dealing with each other. It may not really be OW's fault but the current sitch still stands in that your H has a newfound interest.

 

If my H wasn't worried about me confronting OW, then he wouldn't have announced to his office that he is getting D after I confronted her. He has something to hide. I was very discreet and did nothing to embarrass her or him. They didn't even know me at there second office until she called him immediately and gave him the "heads up".

 

My H's defense is isolating me from his work, money, and all his business b/c he considers us divorced in his head. So whatever he does from now on is none of my business. The OW is always the "nice" person. Everything that you do in his eyes justifies him disliking you and being mean to you b/c you have hurt him emotionally all these years and that is why he can find solice in someone else.

 

You have support here. Take all you can from LS but change this sitch and fast. Since your H left the house, get to a lawyer and file for child support and spousal support RIGHT AWAY. You will be protected that way.

[mary1974]

It's just getting worse for me. The other night my youngest son was crying all evening cause daddy isn't here, I thought at bedtime I'd drive him to the marina where he's staying so he could just see him for second and low and behold he was not there, I called him and just said "hey what are you diong"? He sayed he was down the road and I asked him where and he just kept saying way down the road and he didn't know the name of the place, I asked him to walk outside and get the name of the place he refused and became furious telling me that he doesn't have to take this **** it never ends and hangs up. I go home put the kids to bed and go for a ride to try and find him (I just want proof if he's cheating or not once and for all my heart tells me he is not but my brain tells me otherwise), I couldn't even see straight I was so upset then he calls from our house asking what I was doing, we argued I actually had to pull over and throw up on the side of the road that's how upset he made me not asnwering one simple question. He then said he was hungry went a place that we had eaten at once when family came to visit but couldn't remember the name when I called him. I asked why he couldn't just say that in the first place and he just pulls his usual **** telling me my mouth makes things worse and I'm "f'ed up in the head" he can do what he wants etc. etc. I have no clue why I'm holding onto someone who is appearing to be more and more of an ******* everyday, I have so much on my mind just getting through daily activities is a chore, I just want to hide the only escape I get is when I take my RX sleeping pills and go to bed at night, I have so many choices to make, he says file for divorce now that's fine with him, I'm afraid to let go yet. I could move back home to Ohio in summer when the kids get out of school but there aren't many jobs up there and I have no education expcept high school, stay here I have no even one single frickin friend no one! He says maybe if I had a life I wouldn't have been so nosy and would not be worried about what he's doing with his life all the time, mind you this is how he feels prior to leaving as well not just now. Each day gets harder, I fear losing my job, I called off Friday, I'm wondering if my psychiatrist could help me collect disability for a while or something until I can function, I seriously don't know how I'm going to get through this or make the right choices for everyone involvded. I hate him for this!!!!!!!! Yet I'd probably take his stupid ass back if he asked but I don't need to worry about that cause he made it clear he doesn't want to come back. God help me!!!!!!!!!

[Ladyjane14]

It's just getting worse for me. The other night my youngest son was crying all evening cause daddy isn't here, I thought at bedtime I'd drive him to the marina where he's staying so he could just see him for second and low and behold he was not there, I called him and just said "hey what are you diong"? He sayed he was down the road and I asked him where and he just kept saying way down the road and he didn't know the name of the place, I asked him to walk outside and get the name of the place he refused and became furious telling me that he doesn't have to take this **** it never ends and hangs up.

 

There are only two possibilities here, Mary. One, that your husband was playing his usual cruel mindgame by winding you up. Two, that he was somewhere he would've been busted for cheating. Neither one of those is worthy of your love and devotion.

 

Mary, I have other thoughts and comments for you, but NONE that I would share with your husband if he's reading along.

 

You might consider changing your user-name or posting in another venue. But keep in mind that getting unprofessional advice from strangers on the internet is NOT the same as getting professional advice that can actually forward your goals.

 

Please... find a way to see an attorney. You're going to feel ALOT better when you know your legal rights. The worst case scenario that we manufacture in our heads is usually worse than what we're acually facing.

 

And call your healthcare insurance for verification of any mental health benefits you might have. You'll feel so much better supported in Individual Counseling where you'll have someone who can give you detailed advice.

[debilou]

You must get into counseling. My job is what kept me sane. My H wanted me to believe what a dirt bag I was and I was starting to believe him. My fellow employees treated me with respect and concern.

 

If money is a problem you can check into county or state funded programs for counseling and general support. Google it. I know they're out there.

 

There's only so much we can do for you here. Take charge of your life. I KNOW how you're feeling. I still feel a loss. But I have my dignity and self respect. Our lives are what we make it. Your local library would be a good source of help. They have many self help books. "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck was a great start for me.

 

Are you on anti depressants?

 

Take care, Debilou