OK, so it seems my so is the jealous type...

[katybird]

It seems that my bf has jealousy issues.

 

Apparently, he has been treatedly badly by someone before, and he's paranoid.

 

I'm clumsy and I bruise easily. When I got back from being away for a month, I had a big, ugly bruise on my leg - up towards my hip. Nothing was said. Yesterday, he remarked upon a rather nasty scratch on that same leg, in about the same spot. He said something about it being a new scratch, and I said "No, I think it's been a day or two...it was much redder before." I said that I had no idea how I'd gotten the scratch. (I sometimes have vaguememories of bumping into something, but I usually don't know how the bruises or marks appear.)

 

Anyway, we'd been quarreling last night and I thought we'd calmed down. I was on the couch next to him, and his hand was on my hip. Then, he started to finger the scratch and said something like "You know, you've got these marks and scratches. I want you to know that I'm not niave..."

 

I flipped out. I said "WAIT A MINUTE! Where are you going with this? Tell me, please, exactly what you're saying here?" I think I overreacted to it, but I was already on edge from having quarrelled and was in no mood to get into some BS with him.

 

At some point, he said something about that being the sort of mark that is made by another person... and he refered to last week's bruise as a "thumb mark." He also said that my reaction was suspicious... I guess my flaring up defensively is what is considered guilty behavior.

 

I kept saying "Do you really mean to say that you think I've been fooling around on you?" You have to understand - this is just absurd to me. He said "I will NOT be trounced on!" I told him that I've never had this problem before... no other bf has given me a hard time about this sort of thing. And he said "And you mean to tell me that you never F***** them over?"

 

Uh, no. Never.

 

Also, last week, we went out to play pool at this dive bar. There was some guy playing with us, and I talked to him very limited basis. I did NOT sit next to him, or stand anywhere but next to my bf. At one point, the guy put a dollar in the jukebox, played a song, and told me to go ahead and pick the other two songs "Just so long as it's good rocknroll." So, I played a cool tune. When the guy said it was a great song I said "I played this for YOU, baby!" I said it in a totally cheesy, glib way that was only meant to be silly. I was still sitting with my bf and I payed no real attention to the guy otherwise.

 

Later, bf was furious with me and told me that "NO woman I am with will EVER say the words 'I played this for you, baby' to a stranger!"

 

I figure that jealousy is just an insecurity thing, and can't be helped. He's had some bad experiences and I can't expect him to not have some baggage about that. I know that I've felt the pangs before, but it's only been a problem when there is a problem in the relationship - the guy actually WAS screwing around or being otherwise noncommittal. If I feel a pang, I try to shrug it off as not being worth indulging.

 

So, I'm hoping that I can avoid triggering bf's jealousy. Does anyone else have experience with this?

[Bill]

Ok, I can give you a few examples that might help.

 

I saw bruises on my girlfriend, her arm, her leg, and maybe other places. I really didn't think anything of it. Now, being with her for a while, I noticed that she bruises herself through the day doing just silly things, like running around jumping on the couch or throwing things. I don't suspect her of cheating at all. I know some people bruise easily.

 

I for one, wake up sometimes with gashes on my arm, leg, or wherever.

 

It's easy to see how someone can be clumbsy and bruise easily. Worst thing is when you walk into something that you KNEW was there, it really sucks.

 

You also need to know that it is hard to trust people. I personally let my g/f know wherever I am, at any time, and it doesn't bother me the least. I'd rather have her knowing. She can contact me at ANY time. I always leave multiple ways of people to contact me.

 

Your boyfriend is paranoid though. He's always going to think you are cheating on him.

 

Now, with the "I played this for YOU, baby"

Even joking about showing a liking for another guy or giving them the wrong kind of attention is seen as a direct attack by some guys. I tend to be this way as well. I would not react how your boyfriend reacted though.

 

Just be calm and prove to him that these bruises are not from what he thinks. As soon as you bump into something with him say.. "oh, that's gonna leave a bruise". Make sure he knows that you bruise easily. Provide examples to him, otherwise he's gonna lost trust in you.

[Hannah]

Katybird get out of this relationship as soon as possible. This guy is a nutcase and a complete control freak. He obviously has major self esteem issues and what he is doing to you constitutes emotional abuse. I don't know why you have put up with this behaviour for as long as you have. These people dont change, things just culminate and you might one day find yourself in a scary situation with him. I say pack your bags and find someone who trusts and respects you.

[butterflyz]

first of all something doesn't make sense - if you have a boyfriend, then he's seen you be clumsy - so why is he surprised?

 

number two, i wouldn't be saying "i played this for you baby" to a stranger if i had a boyfriend

 

sorry, something in your story doesn't add up.

[katybird]

I don't know what you mean by "doesn't add up" - I guess I can't explain everything about our relationship, though.

 

Well, we've only been together for a couple of months, and for about three weeks of that, I was living in another state. He probably doesn't have any idea of whether or not I'm clumsy.

 

I understand that saying "I played that for YOU baby" isn't cool by many people. I guess I'm just the kind of person who talks to everyone, and I'm frequently saying nonsense to people like that. I never went over to talk to him, or stood by him or anything. I just pointed and said it in a really cheezy, flippant sort of way, from across the bar. I'm a very outgoing person, and I'm always joking and being sorta glib. This is probably why no other bf has ever had jealousy issues with me before.

[LisaR]

I think his suspicion over your bruises is uncalled for. I also am clumsy, and bruise easily. I know my ex sometimes had funny bruises, and even though I can be somewhat suspicous I never thought anything of them.

 

As for your comment "I played this one for you, baby"- I am sure you didn't mean any harm by it, but I would feel disrespected if I was out with a man and he said that to another woman. I know there are many people who can handle that type of joking, and if you are dating somebody who doesn't mind then feel free. On the other hand, if you care about the guy and it bothers him I would try to reign in comments like that in the future.

[Ally Boo]

This guy sounds psycho. Reminds me of my ex....who needs that drama? He's obviously been acting one way to your face and thinking another. Thank God it came out and you saw his true colors. EWW this guy is icky, get away from him.

[witchbreed]

I have a very jealous bf too. Has to do with his past and partially with mine - before him and in the beginning of our relationsship I used to flirt. By flirting I dont mean fooling around, kissing or anything like that, just eye-contacts, joking and so on. Was a way to boost my own low self esteem, just wanted to know if others desired me (guess I didnt think to be good enough for him and so wanted some "proof" that I might be). This hurt his own self esteem.

 

We are now together since two years. There still is a jealousy issue, mostly about the past, but it has slowly gone better.

 

Like Bill, I make sure, he always knows where I am and with whom and I am always reachable by cell phone.

 

Its not easy to cope with jealousy, specially when you know there is nothing, but how can you prove this. And there is times when it hurts. But our love, our relationsship and him are worth this occasional pain, specially since it becoming better. Sometimes, specially when there is old issues (ex cheated, he had an affair with a married woman ....) it might take time.

 

So you have to ask yourself is our relationsship worth this pains, am I willing to give him the time to heal and is he willing to heal?

 

Those questions you will have to answer. Good luck.