Feeling pressure to make a decision about cheating boyfriend

[proudtabby]

Hi.

 

This is my first post. Any opinions offered will be gladly accepted and appreciated.

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year ... we are both in our mid 40s and divorced. To make a long story short(er) .... it has been a very passionate relationship on many, many levels. We connected almost immediately (we met through an internet dating site) .... and definitely have a chemistry with each other that is undeniable. I do love him dearly ... and I have never doubted, in spite of what we have been through, his love for me.

 

He always has had a tendency to be somewhat possessive and jealous. I worked with him on this, as best as I could .... attempting to reassure him that my attention and affections were going to him and him only. This past summer, I noted that his behavior started to change though. He would not bring his cell phone into my home most evenings ... and he checked his e-mails multiple times throughout the course of a night. I finally saw his e-mail contact list one day ... and it contained almost 100% female names. I confronted him that I felt something was going on and we needed to talk ... he denied it. I broke up with him ... and over the course of the next few days .... he did admit to some 'indiscretions' .... i.e., e-mailing another woman, going on 'one' date with someone he had corresponded with, etc. I will never know the full extent of this behavior ... nor do I want to. We decided to take a one-month break ... to gather our thoughts and decide if we wanted to reconcile.

 

I took that month ... and I am not saying I accepted any blame for HIS behavior .... but I did feel that we had had some rough times (I tended to break up rather than work through issues at that point) ... so I felt I had contributed to some of his 'insecurities'. I took him back.

 

Within two weeks of this though .... I found out he had been corresponding with a woman from a dating site during that month off (that was okay because we had agreed to see other people during that month) .... but it had continued once we got back together. Their communications finally culminated in a date being set for them to meet ... and he lied to me about it. I found this out only because this other 'woman' was actually a friend of mine .... who had true concerns that he was a serial cheater .... and they set him up. This friend sent me all of their correspondences, and I was sick about it. I did not like that this friend did this, but I could not ignore that my boyfriend did not pass this 'test'.

 

Again .... we broke up. And yes ... again ... I took him back after he agreed to go to counseling to look at this issue and then have us go in as a couple later. (Additionally, he had told me that he had cheated on his ex-wife .... dating other women while they were suppose to be working on their marital issues).

 

This all happened about five weeks ago .... and things have not gone well between us. He has gone to counseling.... but it seems they never discuss his infidelity issues. He actually denies he has any issues in that regard ... calling them just bad decisions or using poor judgement. We did attend one counseling session together ... but by the time the counselor took our history and such ... time was up and we didn't really get into the couple issues we were facing. For reasons that were beyond our control, we were not able to get another appointment with her until tonight.

 

I have seen two red flags in his behavior since this happened. Once, when I entered the room, he immediately shut down an e-mail he was typing away. IMMEDIATELY. When I confronted him about this, he claimed it was something for work .... started acting squirrely .... and then changed his story a couple of times. I told him this still didn't sit well with me ... and decided to let it lay until we got into counseling to discuss it.

 

Second .... he started playing word games on a particular website. I noted that he had started playing multiple times with a certain female ... but I said nothing, as I did not want to appear jealous or controlling (I have never been like that before this relationship). One time, when I entered the room and he was playing a game with her .... he typed to her .... 'did I tell you my girlfriend and I got back together?'. I was livid. I told him he was an idiot on several levels .... #1. Given our history, why did he have to hook up with a single female to play these games with? #2. Why did she even know about our relationship difficulties? (I have played with many people on that site too and have never discussed personal details of my life with them). .. and #3. Why did he just now tell her that we were back together? It seemed a bit too convienent for me ... the timing of it. The computer is definitely a 'hot button' for me, as this is how he usually met women.

 

Once again, I know this man loves me. Many people have told me to leave him ... run for the hills .... but this heart of mine ... the poor heart .... loves him too. I keep believing that his issues surround poor self esteem ... and he seeks validation and affirmation from women to help boost his ego. I have held on to the hope that he can resolve this ... and our relationship can move forward. He claims he is 100% committed to this relationship and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

When I set this appointment up for tonight with the counselor, I told her a bit more information about our story. She was very direct, strong and forthright that I need to come to this session tonight .... ready to lay it on the line with my boyfriend about my anger, disappointment and concerns ... and tell him that I probably can never trust him again. She said I should be prepared to end the relationship right there ... on the spot. I am struggling so much ... I love this guy and I want to make it work .... but she's correct .... right now, I feel I will never trust him again.

 

Can anyone please tell me ....... do couples get through this ... and emerge stronger and healthier? Am I just being paranoid with the signs I've seen since he got caught? At what point does one decide to move forward with someone .... or move on without them?

 

Anything that anyone can offer would be helpful. The clock is ticking towards this appointment tonight .... and I'm feeling so panicky.

[laRubiaBonita]

Can anyone please tell me ....... do couples get through this ... and emerge stronger and healthier? Am I just being paranoid with the signs I've seen since he got caught? At what point does one decide to move forward with someone .... or move on without them?

 

i would say this Should be your point of no return.... actually you should have not waffled after the first time he cheated.

 

why are you enabling this man to treat you like nothing special?

[Krytellan]

Yes, people can get through things like this. However, I'm not so sure that it should be this difficult this soon. It just sounds like way too much work for such a young relationship. I do agree that you are basically allowing him to have his way and there is little likelihood this will change. Why should he? He has gotten all that he wants so far. My opinion is that you move on and open yourself up for a more positive man.

[Cinnesyn]

I'm going thru pretty much the same thing. I'm engaged to a 44 year old man who developed 2 different online relationships with women. I got suspicious when he quickly closed a chatroom window when I came up behind him and I installed a keylogger on his computer. I found out more information by doing this and now I can't even stand to be around him, much less have sex with him, or even be nice to him anymore. He keeps saying it's in the past and that I should forgive him but I can't get past it. It shows a complete lack of respect for me.

 

I'm just disgusted I haven't had the guts to kick him to the curb before now. But, I know, blah blah blah, I love him, maybe I'll change him, it's OK because it wasn't a true physical relationship... That's all BS. But those thoughts ran through my mind too.

 

I've wavered with this decision (reference some of my other posts here) and watched my self-esteem plummet.

 

As much as it hurts now to stop seeing him, I don't think you will be happy with this man in the future. You'll probably always be wondering about his activities, as I am wondering about my guy now. I made the decision to dump my guy. I'm going to have to get the police involved to get him out of my house. It'll be messy, but I have to do this. He messed up, it's now time to move on.

[SueBee3490]

You know Proudtabby, your story sounds alot like mine.....

we were both in mid 40's when met, divorced, met on the computer, he cheated on me and I forgave him and he continued to cheat.

 

The difference being, I didn't know mine continued to cheat but you do. If I would have known, I can't honestly say I would have stayed with him. I only gave im a 2nd chance because I thought he was sorry for what he'd done. I don't know now if he's sorry for the cheating or for being caught.

 

My advice to you would be to really take into account what he has already done and if he were to cmopletely stop....could you live with what he's done? That's where I'm at now, even thought I don't believe my H to be cheating since marriage (though I'll never know), I can't get past all his lying, betraying, and deceiving ways while dating him. My H may love me too as your bf does you, but sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes someone we love will cross a line and we can't go back.

 

Knowing what I know now about him, I wouldn't have married him because of all this. I believe he is selfish and really didn't consider my feelings or have respect for me at all.