how to start explaining depression

[Canuck2006]

I've posted my story here before but not really in detail because honestly I didn't know what I was going through.

 

I dated my ex for about 2 and a half years and we were both very much in love. Unfortunatly, something triggered a depression in me at the start of the relationship and it worsened throughout. My self esteem became very low and I got jealous over stupid things. Then it turned into anger (now I know because I was holding this depression in) and we started fighting all the time...at random times over stupid things as well. It became rage and I would flip out saying the most rotten things imaginable. I wasn't working and my life wasn't going anywhere.

 

In October she broke up with me and I was even more devastated. I was lucky and found someone that could help me..a great psychologist. I started working again, although it was difficult I kept plugging away.

 

I now know that what happened wasn't my fault. I was suffering from an illness. Thankfully, we're overcoming this through therapy and the use of saint johns wort (along with exercise) and I'm feeling like I'm going to be okay again.

 

I've kept in touch with my ex through simple ecards..just saying hello and how was your week. Things like that mostly. The last time we spoke, she told me how hard it was and she was trying to move on with her life. I tried to be stong for her and tell her that I lover her unconditionally and that I was truely sorry for the things I had said (we got into some specifics). I also said that I've had to move on with my life and that I wouldn't ask for a second chance at that relationship. Maybe we could start off as friends. She said she was happy I was moving on. She also thinks that it was circumstances and moving to fast that wrecked things. During the whole conversation, when I started to tell her about how I really felt about her (how much I loved her and that I always found her beautiful) she was crying and you could tell she still had feelings there.

I wish I would have kept my mouth shut about not wanting to have a second chance...but I meant it! I don't want to go back to the fighting and emotional rollercoaster. I would like to start fresh again and see what happens.

 

I sent her another ecard (a little guy comes out and told her how cute she is..it was really cute) and I got a reply back from her saying thank you for the card it was really cute and it put a smile on my face. At least we have some contact and I can still do something positive for her.

 

It's a shame this depression robbed us of a beautiful life together. We had everything needed for a great relationship.

 

I'm having a difficult time and I want to express what I have learnt in therapy to her but I don't know how or if she'd even understand seeing that she has never been depressed like this.

 

I still feel there is a chance. Does anybody have some advice on how to approach this? She said contact her in a month to see how she is feeling (that will be the 9th of Feb) but now I'm wondering if I should or just write her a letter. Maybe just send a simple valentines card. Valentines day is our anniversery as well and that's going to be difficult.

 

If anybody thinks they can help here, please let me know. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

[sb129]

Have been there--- I know its hard.

Unfortunately, during my "recovery" I moved on, and my ex BF just wasn't mature enough to understand things. WE are still friends now, and have no regrets.

 

The next R I got into was even worse because HE was worse than me, and it took someone treating me as badly as I had treated my ex to finally realise alot of what depression etc is all about.

Once I sorted my own out, i realised that until my ex even admitted he had a problem we were doomed. We broke up- he still blames me and sees himself as perfect. (he was a MM, complicated... he had lots of issues. we don't even talk, I am happy about that cos friendship wasn't an option for us)

 

Not sure what to suggest, but take it slow... your ex GF said that things went too quick last time, so don't rush her. maybe go for a coffee, and see how things go from there.

[notmakingsense]

It sounds like you have good judgement about this. I think it would be Ok to contact her more, but don't ever contact her so much that she feels any kind of pressure. I would also keep any talk about love/getting back together, etc. out of your conversations -- which means that the valentines day idea may not be so good. Approach her as a close friend would and keep things light and funny. Find some ways to communicate to her in a humorous way the progress you are making with yourself -- without making it a major point of conversation.

 

The best thing you could do is to actually be moving on in terms of developing a full life with friends/family/work/school so she understands that you are progressing in a well rounded way and that she is not the main focus of your life/thinking. This will increase your attractiveness to her and will probably draw her back to you.

 

Back to my first paragraph about a humerous, non-romantic focused communication: What about a note the day before valentines day that makes fun of the fact that you are single again -- you just wanted to wish her well early because you will be out drinking the next day with your single buddies? :-)

[taylor]

I say don't contact her on Feb. 9. Too predictable. She will be expecting it. You shouldn't have to contact her to find out how she feels about you anyways.

 

Instead, wait (go NC) and surprise her with a Valentine Card through the mail BUT be careful about the card you select. Do not choose a card from the "To the One I Love" section. Choose one from the "Friend to Friend" section. Make it light and funny. If you can make her smile (feel good), it will put you in a very positive light and go a long way to mending your relationship.

 

I know you feel the need and desire to explain yourself to her now. DON'T. No long letter. No heavy conversation. It's way too early and too painful right now. Besides, it's what you do, not what you say, that will make the biggest impact on her. I learned that the hard way.

 

And, just my opinion, but...I wouldn't bring up the anniversary date at all - in the card or verbally. It will make her think you are holding on to the past. She knows its your anniversary date and she knows you know it, too. If anything, let her bring it up to you.

 

Also, do what you can to be out on the town with friends or possibly a date on Valentine's Day. Do something fun even if you don't feel like it. It will keep your mind off of her. Don't tell her ahead of time what you are doing. Just do it. If she asks what you did on Valentine's Day, tell her what you did and how much fun you had. That is how she will know you are moving on and making progress in your life. Good luck to you. Taylor

[Canuck2006]

I agree with the card. My therapist said the same thing. Keep it light. A friendship card. Thanks people:) Your input means a lot to me.

 

I bought this book the other day called "Is it Depression or What"? It's a book about what is going on in a guys head and your relationship..basically nails down male depression and shows the female what's going on.

 

When I read this book I was blown away. Everything in it was exactly what happened and it explained it. I wish I had this a year ago, but honestly I know I wouldn't have gotten it because I didn't know what the hell was going on.

I told my therapist about the book and she said that if and when we start talking again, to tell her that I picked it up and that I'd like her to read it.

It may help with the healing. I actually said to my therapist today that I can't understand or believe that my ex doesn't know what really went wrong with us and what I was dealing with. She had a great answer to that. "Did you?". I guess I can't expect the other person to know when I didn't really.

 

 

I just need to have patience and keep working on myself. I know I'm going to get better and go through this dark tunnel.

Please if anybody is reading this and thinks they are depressed, go see a therapist and tell them as soon as you can..even if you aren't sure what's wrong with you.

[D-Lish]

I've been in that dark tunnel- and when you're there, it's so hard to see a way out.

 

I'm still finding my way out- talking to a professional, dealing with finding the right meds. I think I've been teetering in and out of depression my whole life. It just came to a head in August following my break up. Prior to that I was irritable, ragey, angry and difficult to be around. So I know what you are going through.

 

My ex saw my depression and anxiety as a personality flaw. I often talked to him about what was going on, but he really didn't want to deal with it. Just as I had made an appoinment to get help from my doc...he left me. I don't blame him totally for leaving. But I do question his integrity- leaving me at a time when I needed him the most. I had gone through some crap with him, and had stuck by him...but he wasn't willing to do the same for me. That will always stand out for me. It actually makes me glad we didn't get married- because I suspect he would have bolted at some point.

 

Continue to take things slow with your ex. She needs to experience your changes, see the progress. Words are empty- as you well know.

Hang in there- it gets better.

I understand the depression though- it's awful.

Take care of yourself- I'll write you later and with more details in an e-mail.

D

[RecordProducer]

Just be totally honest with her and yourself. this is not time for games, in my opinion. Whjen so much pain is involved, you have to be gentle, careful, honest, and very, very open with each other. Good luck!

[phoenix21]

I know it's hard and i can't imagine what you're going through with depression. Although I feel depressed myself sometimes, I know it's not the same thing you're going through. I wish I can give you answers, but I don't think I am the right person to give advice about this. I seem to keep making things worst with my situation. I keep doing the same things over and over again. I think if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll be ok. Keep your head up.

 

Can you give me D-Lish's email or give D-Lish my email? Thanks

[MotherGooze]

This could easely be my story, since I'm going through the same thing.When he broke up with me,I started pushing and pushing for another chance...that was the biggest mistake I made! So, the best advice I can give you is, try to minimise contact, but if you do have contact, don't talk about feeling, or how you have changed. Let her see for herself how much you have changed. Actions speak louder then words

[Canuck2006]

 

My ex saw my depression and anxiety as a personality flaw. I often talked to him about what was going on, but he really didn't want to deal with it. Just as I had made an appoinment to get help from my doc...he left me. I don't blame him totally for leaving. But I do question his integrity- leaving me at a time when I needed him the most. I had gone through some crap with him, and had stuck by him...but he wasn't willing to do the same for me. That will always stand out for me. It actually makes me glad we didn't get married- because I suspect he would have bolted at some point.

 

D

 

I had the same thing happen. She became seriously ill..nobody knew what was wrong. I stood beside her night and day and did my best to do whatever it took to see her better. I do get angry sometimes that she didn't do the same. There was a lot of "get your sh.it together too".

The thing is..maybe people have never had depression don't get it. This is what makes it difficult. Maybe all that person can see and feel is the hurt from the fighting and the words that were said. I'd rather think that then "that person must have never really loved me". It's confusing sometimes.

[Canuck2006]

Just be totally honest with her and yourself. this is not time for games, in my opinion. Whjen so much pain is involved, you have to be gentle, careful, honest, and very, very open with each other. Good luck!

 

Question..if you were in my shoes...what would you say?

[RecordProducer]

Question..if you were in my shoes...what would you say?

Honey, I don't know. I haven't lived through your experiences and you and me are not the same. Also I don't know your GF and how responsive she is to people's feelings.

 

Start from anywhere, but tell her everything. I believe that if we expose ourselves completely to someone and they don't like us, then they don't deserve to be in our lives, even if we are not prefect (who is?). To hide my true colors is the worst nightmare for me, because it reminds me that I am ashamed of myself. It's much better to be rejected by others than by your own self.

 

I hid the fact that I drank from my husband, cuz I was afraid that he would not want me had he known the truth. But I had weird and aggressive verbal outbursts that made him think WTF was wrong with me. I would have been better off had I told him the truth, apologized, and told him I would work on my drinking problem. Or - if I were so ashamed of my drinking, I should have stopped drinking right then and not get myself into those situations - which was exactly the best and right thing to do. I had my reasons to drink that were more powerful than my will or emotional stability.

 

Just tell her everything the way it is. Don't be afraid that it will sound like the depression was just an excuse for a lame behavior - it IS an excuse, a good one. If you have decided to work on your problem, that's the first and most important step. Tell her about all your faults and mistakes - how you see them and how you want to work on them. Tell her about the kind of person you want to be. Tell her that you need her help if she is going to be in your life, as in to remind you when you're making a mistake and you will correct it immediately.

 

People are very willing to give you another chance when they see that you realize where you went wrong, that you want to change, that you want to be good to them, and when they love you. If you approach her with an open heart and a good will to improve things, it can't possibly end up badly. But you have to be truthful to yourself first and answer the million dollar question first: do I want to change for myself, do I have a huge desire to go through the metamorphosis... or do I just want it in order to bring her back?

[Canuck2006]

This could easely be my story, since I'm going through the same thing.When he broke up with me,I started pushing and pushing for another chance...that was the biggest mistake I made! So, the best advice I can give you is, try to minimise contact, but if you do have contact, don't talk about feeling, or how you have changed. Let her see for herself how much you have changed. Actions speak louder then words

 

 

Thanks. It's hard to show somebody how you've changed when they don't even know what it really was you were dealing with in the first place. I'm still not sure where to go on this one. I can wait until Valentines day to send her a simple card..then what? See if she calls? Maybe it's at that point where I basically say "listen we need to talk about what happened". I hate to do that because it goes against everything I read here.

 

Has anybody talked to an ex about depression and they got it? Did you start off slow or did you just go right to the topic at hand?

[notmakingsense]

Thanks. It's hard to show somebody how you've changed when they don't even know what it really was you were dealing with in the first place. I'm still not sure where to go on this one. I can wait until Valentines day to send her a simple card..then what? See if she calls? Maybe it's at that point where I basically say "listen we need to talk about what happened". I hate to do that because it goes against everything I read here.

 

Has anybody talked to an ex about depression and they got it? Did you start off slow or did you just go right to the topic at hand?

 

I would take the focus away from "showing her" that you've changed. Don't talk to her about your depression -- it is highly unlikely to anything but cause her to show a little pity. Do you want that? Women want strong men, not depressed men, and telling her of your struggles will only keep a bit of low confidence in the air.

 

She may have been too damaged/shy because of this relationship with you to see how you are improving, but I doubt it. My opinion is that once you really change, she will sense it -- there is no need to talk about it.

 

If you aren't past your depression, I would not contact her much -- if at all, and if you do -- keep any bit of seriousness out of it -- and I mean every little bit. You think it might be harmless, but it isn't because your "relationship" is on shaky ground. Stick to LS and long-time friends to talk about your depression, and leave her out of it.

 

If she doesn't see your improvements on her own (no discussion), then you need to look at this as an experience that has helped you improve and the next woman in your life will be the true beneficiary.

[Canuck2006]

At some point you need to talk about the depression I would think. Maybe just not right away. I don't think she got it or what it means to be depressed (and I don't mean sad). If she never gets that on her own then would it do a lot of damage to give her this book I got explaining it all? Hard to know what and when to do it..I guess you just follow your instincts is what you're kind of saying.

 

 

I agree with action and not words for the most part.

Not sure about the damage..I know a few things that were say to her are still affecting her..that is why she started crying last time I spoke to her. She is hurting that I said those things. At least there is feeling there..maybe hate..maybe love...but not indifference. That is the always a killer that indifference. So when I spoke to her about what I had said, I told her not to ever think that those words were true and that I thought and think she is a very beautiful woman. Didn't really comment on why the words were said..maybe I should have said because I was sick or wasn't well in the head..but then like you say..it can become a pity thing instead of an understanding thing.

 

 

Actions..ya I like that. I have a feeling in my gut that when I am better that she will sense that. The only problem I have is that going into the relationship, I was pretty okay. Depression was triggered (and I know why now) and set me off. So what bugs me is how is she going to believe that I'm okay..I was okay (or so I thought) when we started.

 

I've got to figure this one out as I get better I suppose. I get what you're saying though..when you are better, you're really better and people can sense that.

[taylor]

I think you need to focus more on healing yourself than healing your relationship with your girlfriend.

 

I know you have a tremendous desire for her to understand what depression is and the role it played in undermining your relationship.

 

You are probably thinking, "If I could just get her to understand it was the depression that caused our relationship to fail and that I am not a "bad" person, she will forgive me and come back to me."

 

Your girlfriend can read 10 books on depression and come to a clear understanding of what depression is all about, how it can make a person behave,and how it can affect a relationship. It will definitely help her to understand what went wrong between the two of you, but it isn't necessarily going to motivate her to come back to you.

 

For her to come back, she needs to be sure you have the depression under control to the point where it isn't going to interfere with you having a healthy, normal relationship. This part you can control by getting professional help. She needs to see you are doing something about it and she needs to see the change in you. The change isn't going to happen overnight. It will take time and patience. Don't give up.

 

But, there is something else you need to consider: For your girlfriend to come back, she needs to be 100 percent sure she is willing to spend her life with someone who faces the challenges of an illness such as depression every day. She will have to do alot of soul-searching to be able to answer this question. This part you can't control. It is all up to her.

 

Your girlfriend needs to be willing to accept and live with the fact that you have a serious illness that can be unpredictable at times. She has to know in her heart that she has the courage and inner strength to deal with it. It is not necessarily a case of whether she loves you enough or not. Some people just don't have it in them to deal with certain challenges. Call it weakness, call it selfishness, call it fear.

 

Regardless of what your girlfriend does or doesn't do, you need to focus on you. You need to get better for you. You have a true battle to fight. And everyone here on LS is behind you with our prayers, support and best wishes.

 

Give your girlfriend time and space to heal, too. She has her own inner battle to fight. She obviously cares deeply for you but is hurt right now and is not sure if she can handle your illness. Give her time to work through it.

 

If she comes back, she will be a loving and wonderful support for you. If she doesn't, it means she doesn't have it in her to do it. Either way, it will be in your best interest. God bless you.

[Canuck2006]

Thanks Taylor. I think this is one of those times where along with everything else you said, it's a balance of NC and contact as well. As I take the time to heal, I'm also just letting her know that I care. I hope that takes some of her hurt away too.

 

Just sending out the valentines day card tomorrow as well. It's pretty simple. Just snoopy on the front and it says happy valentines day inside. "thinking about you" is all Im going to write inside..and my name of course:P

 

Thanks again.

[Canuck2006]

Well I never did recieve any thanks or anything for the card sent out. I was hurt but then of course I would be when you're expecting something back. That's the wrong way to think. I started to write her a letter today explaining where my head was at and what I've done in my life to make me okay again. By doing that, I realized the right way to think. It's by doing something because you care about that person, not because you need to have them back in your life. That is true love. I hope people get what I'm trying to say by that so they don't waste their time focusing on other things. If you're really trying to care about and love another person because you want them to be happy, then do that. And make sure you're doing the same thing for yourself. If this isn't the case then just walk away and admit you are just being selfish. It's okay.

 

I realize my case is different. It's not like I just stopped caring for another person. Severe depression is a powerful thing I tell you. It's funny how it distorts the thought of yourself and those around you about who you are. I'm lucky I guess because I'm starting to really feel like me again. It takes a lot of work, the right person to work with and proper medication. I know now that this doesn't have to happen to me again in my life and that I'm strong enough to deal with it. I guess I should be pretty happy and feel fortunate for that. There are a lot of people who won't get better and will go past the point of no return. If any of you guys feel like something is wrong, please talk to your doctor..even if you think it's just something that is going to go away or will be fixed next week. Just do it. Check out male depression as well on the net because it's quite different for guys as far as the way we react to the illness.

 

I hope the letter I send helps undo some of the pain that was caused. I do believe that time does heal, but it's what you do with that time that causes the healing process to happen.

[thecount]

Canuck, My ex has depression. I thought that I could handle it, she lied about it for a year. She has Melanoma, and told me that the meds she's taking are for that reason. She's taking "Buproprian". SHe was also told to seek professional hep also. She didn't, she thought she would take the meds and everything would be fine.

 

I did notice that when she first started taking it, it didn't make her any better, and it got worse as time went by. I found out because I went to pick up her prescirotion...

 

The whole time she put me through an emotional rollercoster. It was bad. When she broke up with me christmas eve, she was out of control. SHe did call me back and I said she needs to talk to someone. ANd she did, everything was fine, what a change, she opend up, started talking,.

 

Didn't last too long, she stopped seeing her shrink because he was telling her about his "fungus problem in a very sensitive area"

 

So, she stopped going to him, Hasn't even tried to find someone else, she is so bad now, she is going to hit rock bottom, I see it coming, and I don't want to be there when it happend. THat's why I left.

 

After being treated like a doormat for a year and half, I walked away. I know it's depression, but I just don't have it in me anymore. I love you, -- i don't love you, -- I want you, -- I don't want you, -- I love you, but I don't want a relationship.

 

You know what enough. I think the best thing I could do right now is to walk away. It'll be safe for me, and Maybe she'll get the help she needs.

 

Depression does suck!

[Canuck2006]

Ahh..I remember your thread about the "fungus".

 

I'm sorry that you had to go through this. She must have been pretty ashamed of her depression to lie to you like that. I hope she gets better.

 

Was it more the fact that she had been lying to you or the fact that she was depressed that you couldn't take? I ask this because I never lied about anything..I can honestly say that neither of us knew what the hell was going on. I still think she doesn't get it. I only figured it out through a great therapist and a lot of reading as well as the meds.

 

You certainly do have to be safe and sometimes have to pull back to make sure you're okay.

 

Hope you're doing okay.

[thecount]

Most of it were the lies. She didn't only lie about the meds but other things as well. I think my ex's problems are more then just depression. She's also a pathalogical liar. She lies about everything.

 

In the end it was her depression that I really could not stand anymore. Her refusal to go get another therapist, even when I offered to pay for it, because she's not working right now. It's just everything was getting worse. Nothing, and I mean nothing worked. I even begged her, please go get help. I just couldn't do it anymore.

 

A friend of mine explained to me what it's like to be depressed. One minute the you want someone, the next you're out. He told me, it's a f**ked up thing to go through, and even worse for the loved ones, because they can't help, and they are the ones that hurt just as much as the person who's depressed.

 

Like I said before, I left because I just couldn't stand to see her like this anymore, I was starting to hate her. At times I thought she was doing this so that I would leave, and I did, and with in a few hours she called me, I miss you baby, and that would just tear right in to me, because I still love her. my friend told me not to sit and anlyse what she says or does, because she's just talking out of pure emotion right now.

[sb129]

My ex saw my depression and anxiety as a personality flaw. I often talked to him about what was going on, but he really didn't want to deal with it. Just as I had made an appoinment to get help from my doc...he left me. I don't blame him totally for leaving. But I do question his integrity- leaving me at a time when I needed him the most. I had gone through some crap with him, and had stuck by him...but he wasn't willing to do the same for me.

This seems to be a common theme Canuck. You, D and I have all experienced similar things when it comes to exes coping with our depression.But another common theme seems to be DESPITE that, we have all sorted ourselves out. At the end of the day, you have to live your life, and taking responsibility for it is the first step in the right direction.

And you obviously recognise that too.

 

And make sure you're doing the same thing for yourself. If this isn't the case then just walk away and admit you are just being selfish. It's okay.

.

 

Being selfish is what sorted me out. I stopeed worrying about what everyone would say, I ditched my unsupportive ex--- and I realise I really did myself a favour, because I gave myself some time. And who knows Canuck, now that you are feeling more like you again, there is likely to be someone out there who will love you and admire you for getting thru the depression, and not hold it against you. Getting thru it the way you have done will stand you in good stead for any future relationships you may embark on.

 

So maybe as the door closes, another one is getting ready to open.. I realise I am sounding cheesy, but you never know whats round the corner. My current BF is the most loving amazing guy- but I am pretty sure our R would have been doomed had I not sorted myself out on my own first.

[Canuck2006]

Thanks SB.

 

I get the feeling that there should be way more information available to the public about what depression really is like..for both men and women. Sometimes I feel it's like child abuse in the 40's..shh..let's not talk about it.

 

Did you talk to your current boyfriend about what happened? This is something I can't figure out...how the heck do you discuss something like this? Kind of frightening because there is such a stigma about depression.

 

Take Care

 

Chad

[sb129]

I totally agree. Although when I finally let my "I am so tough i can handle anything" guard down, its amaxing how many people came forward admitting they have been depressed etc. And my friends and family were amazing.

 

I did talk to my current BF about it, and quite early on in the relationship. I used to be terrified of letting my bf's see my personality flaws for fear of rejection, but this time I thought, dammit, this is me, and if he can't handle it then we have no future.

 

He was great about it- and still is. He told me about some tough times he had had too so that was good. He is so considerate and amazing that sometimes I have to pinch myself!

[Canuck2006]

That's awesome!

 

Do me a favour and yourself...don't ever think "depression" is a personality flaw within youself. It's not even close. It's a sickness that you went through.

All the best!

 

Chad