how to start explaining depression

[sb129]

Oh, I know. But I do have aspects of my personality that are not so great- I have a short temper at times, and can be selfish. (altho that seems to be getting less as I get older) Those are the flaws I meant too.

 

But getting over the depression also meant that I was able to be less hard on myself and see the good bits about me.

 

In some ways I am glad that I went thru it- its made me a more tolerant, understanding and accepting person (I think!!).

 

Its definitely changed the way I behave in relationships.

 

Anyway- this time last year I was not far off my darkest time, (self harm etc) and now... I am happier than I have been in years.

 

I don't think my ex will ever really understand what I went thru. But it no longer matters to me.

 

So I really hope that happens for you, and things work out.

I think they will, you sound like a really nice person; and a man who is intouch with his emotions is worth his weight in gold.

[thecount]

Sb129, My ex is going through this whole depression thing too, she used to say the same thing, "you're amazing, sometimes I have to pinch myself".

 

And while saying all that, she was running around with her ex, who wasn't that good to her when they were together, but found his company necessary at the time. But she is sorry for all that, Because she got cought.

 

Now she realized it was because he never knew that she had this condition, where I know everything, I know her very well, and she doesn't like it. It took me a whole year to find out that she was taking bupropian that whole time.

 

I didn't give up easy, and everyone on this board knows that. With all the screwd up things she did to me, I was still there. She is getting worse, she wants me to be there as just a "friend". I can't do that, because I love her, and that wouldn't be fair to me. Am I wrong?

[sb129]

Sb129, My ex is going through this whole depression thing too, she used to say the same thing, "you're amazing, sometimes I have to pinch myself".

 

And while saying all that, she was running around with her ex, who wasn't that good to her when they were together, but found his company necessary at the time. But she is sorry for all that, Because she got cought.

 

Now she realized it was because he never knew that she had this condition, where I know everything, I know her very well, and she doesn't like it. It took me a whole year to find out that she was taking bupropian that whole time.

 

I didn't give up easy, and everyone on this board knows that. With all the screwd up things she did to me, I was still there. She is getting worse, she wants me to be there as just a "friend". I can't do that, because I love her, and that wouldn't be fair to me. Am I wrong?

 

No I don't think you are wrong. Sounds like you have given it a fair shot, even tho some of the things you are saying remind me of my ex. She can't keep dumping on you, thats not fair.

The difference between me and your GF is that I recognised my depression and openly admitted to it over a year ago, however my ex wasn't particularly supportive. He had his own stuff to deal with, and basically the R was doomed from the start. I am now thru the dark side. My current BF knows about it, but he hasn't experienced it because i feel like I am recovered. Not only do I respect myself, I respect him for being honest with me and accepting me.

We are in a really happy, secure relationship. I suspect my depression could be in danger of coming back were that security threatened, but we both know that, however there is nothing to be gained from saying "what if". WE both know our boundaries, and we both know what isn't acceptable behaviour for our relationship. Right now its all about honesty and lots of communication.. I also think that I am more secure and happy BECAUSE I dealt with my depression last year, before I met my current BF.

[Guest]

Hey Sb, did you ever hear things like "just get your shlt together" or "snap out of it". I'm wondering if i'm alone on this one.

 

Everybody has been so supportive with this situation. It nice to know that you're not alone or "crazy". Ha.

 

I've started writing my letter to her talking about what was going on in my head. I really do hope she'll understand a bit more. One way or the other I need closure on the pain so that I can look at the future 100 percent.

 

Anybody ever sent a letter? It's not my thing really..I'd rather sit down with her but there is a lot to say. Is typing it impersonal? Hand written seems nicer but harder to read!

[Canuck2006]

Hey Sb, did you ever hear things like "just get your shlt together" or "snap out of it". I'm wondering if i'm alone on this one.

 

Everybody has been so supportive with this situation. It nice to know that you're not alone or "crazy". Ha.

 

I've started writing my letter to her talking about what was going on in my head. I really do hope she'll understand a bit more. One way or the other I need closure on the pain so that I can look at the future 100 percent.

 

Anybody ever sent a letter? It's not my thing really..I'd rather sit down with her but there is a lot to say. Is typing it impersonal? Hand written seems nicer but harder to read!

[sb129]

Yeah all the time. But only from my ex. He also said to me once "i know you really well and it scares you because I can see what you are really like".

 

He made it pretty clear that what i was really like was "crazy/evil/ and apsycho". In fact I think he even used those words..

Nice guy huh. To thecount- sorry, I didn't want to leap down your throat, but hearing those words again today made me remember how awful it was for me. I know your story is different.

He didn't want me to take meds, because he thought they were unecessary. And when I WAS on them, my lack of libido became a problem for him- he didn't give a monkeys about the state of my head.

 

Re: the letter- I think its a great idea, because you can take your time over it, and make sure that you don't leave anything out. I would say handwritten- but typing is easier to edit. My own handwriting is pretty legible- is yours??

It also gives her a chance to digest all the information in her own time.

Maybe write a letter and then say at the end of it you are happy to discuss it when she is ready? Or she may offer to write a letter back to you.

I find that writing alot of stuff down is therapeutic for ME, whether I send it to anyone or not. Thats why I like it here so much.

[Canuck2006]

I meant to really respond to you in more detail before..thanks again for your words.

 

You are probably thinking, "If I could just get her to understand it was the depression that caused our relationship to fail and that I am not a "bad" person, she will forgive me and come back to me."

 

Well to be honest with you, I'm kind of thinking how can I take away some of her pain that this has caused. I think that if we were able to start off slow again and talk, we might have a chance. I'd need to relate what I know to her about the sickness first.

 

For her to come back, she needs to be sure you have the depression under control to the point where it isn't going to interfere with you having a healthy, normal relationship. This part you can control by getting professional help. She needs to see you are doing something about it and she needs to see the change in you. The change isn't going to happen overnight. It will take time and patience. Don't give up.

 

I'm starting to feel like me again..this is huge! I know I can be 100 percent okay..it's just a matter of time. How does she see this? that's my question I guess.

 

But, there is something else you need to consider: For your girlfriend to come back, she needs to be 100 percent sure she is willing to spend her life with someone who faces the challenges of an illness such as depression every day. She will have to do alot of soul-searching to be able to answer this question. This part you can't control. It is all up to her.

 

I can honestly say I don't think she'll ever have to again. I have the tools and understand what the heck depression is now. If ever something happend that was huge in my life, I'd be able to deal with it now differently.

 

 

Regardless of what your girlfriend does or doesn't do, you need to focus on you. You need to get better for you. You have a true battle to fight. And everyone here on LS is behind you with our prayers, support and best wishes.

 

Thanks:)

 

Give your girlfriend time and space to heal, too. She has her own inner battle to fight. She obviously cares deeply for you but is hurt right now and is not sure if she can handle your illness. Give her time to work through it.

 

How much time does she need? I don't mean to sound like a jerk..it's been almost 4 1/2 months since we've split. Does that seem normal? Hard question to answer I suppose. I'm the first person she has even been in love with (she's in her late 30's) so maybe this has a large impact on what is going on.

 

Man I just read some old emails between us. it seems like this had started back in Oct 2005. Why the hell didn't we see this? I can't believe we didn't know what the heck was going on. It's so frustrating!

[thecount]

Depression is a hard thing to detect. But sometimes It's hard to except I'm sorry. Sorry for hurting you, Hummmmmm... I feel bad for what you're going through, but picture this. At the time she didn't know your condition. She just thought you didn't like her, or just didn't want to be with her anymore. This is just how I felt. It's still hard for me to believe that it was depression that made her do all the f**ked up things she did to me. It was so hurtful and disrespectful, that it made me depressed, and made me feel like a failure.

 

Depression doesn't just hurt the person that's going through it. It's all hurting all your loved ones too.

 

I hate to say this to you, but sometimes I'm sorry just doesn't work anymore. the damage is done. This is my reality. I still do love her, but I affraid that this could come back and bite me in the a$$. I just don't want to go through this again. It's too painful.

 

I do wish you all the best. I mean maybe she's a better, or stronger person then I am, and could be able to forgive and forget. But it will take a lot of work.

 

The one thing I've always told her is don't tell me you love me, show me. Words don't mean a thing anymore. She never did show me, except for valentines day when she came over with balloons and a cake, and a meal for lunch the next day. Then it was right back to herself again. Just didn't work for me. So show her, and give her time. That is all you can do. You can't force someone to be with you, they'll just run away.

[jmargel]

Honestly I would write the letter than burn it. Don't give it to her. She's heard it all from you. If she's not trying to actively contact you then I believe she is moving on. If she is finding happiness elsewhere, let her have it.

 

Like thecount said, words aren't just enough anymore even though that's all you really have. Though depression is a disease it's not the entire reason why things happened the way they did. To just blame it on that is just an excuse in her eyes. You need to accept and take responsibiliy for your actions without saying '.. it was because of the depression'. Good chance it was a lack of your maturity as well, in which people gain over time at different paces.

 

This letter you seem to be writing is directed towards yourself. It shouldn't be. The letter shouldn't have very many 'I's in it. If I were you I would also look up the 5 stages of grief, sounds like it's something you are going through.

 

My ex-fiancee was clinically depressed and so is my wife. It's not fun to go through and you never seem to get to feel that you are on a level playing field. One day things are good, the next she threatens to leave. If you do something that upsets her the whole day is ruined no matter how small or trival that thing was. You can never feel 'My spouse loves me unconditionally' because depression doesn't allow your spouse to feel that. It's based on what they are feeling at that particular time which varies like a roller coaster. You slowly start to see the future with that person slowly diminishing because you truly don't know what they are feeling under all those layers of depression. You become more of a psychologist and an emotional punching bag for this person instead of being their mate.

 

It's almost like taking on the added responsibility of having a 2 or 3 year old child when you are with someone with this kind of depression. It's hard and your emotions get strung all over the place. Your ex has finally had this burden taken off of her and she's finally getting back to her 'life' which was consumed by your depression.

 

This doesn't make you a bad person, I am just trying to point out what she may have gone through with dealing with all of this. A heart felt letter just won't cut it (IMO). What will is time, and allowing her to find her happiness with or without you. Trying to convince her to come back by this letter, though you are saying you are writing it for your closure is more for your benefit than hers. So write it, and burn it. Work and improve on yourself and perhaps months/years from now when she "sees" this improvement and this new you, things might change.

 

It's a long and slow process..

[sb129]

Jmargel i think you have raised some brilliant points. You have really hit the nail on the head re: depression. Imagine what its like when you both are!! I still think my ex was depressed at the same time I was. But for him to admit that would have been unthinkable.

The way you have described it really is what its like. And reading your words has reinforced to me that I really am recovered.

 

 

One day things are good, the next she threatens to leave. If you do something that upsets her the whole day is ruined no matter how small or trival that thing was. You can never feel 'My spouse loves me unconditionally' because depression doesn't allow your spouse to feel that. It's based on what they are feeling at that particular time which varies like a roller coaster. You slowly start to see the future with that person slowly diminishing because you truly don't know what they are feeling under all those layers of depression. You become more of a psychologist and an emotional punching bag for this person instead of being their mate.

 

It's almost like taking on the added responsibility of having a 2 or 3 year old child when you are with someone with this kind of depression. It's hard and your emotions get strung all over the place. Your ex has finally had this burden taken off of her and she's finally getting back to her 'life' which was consumed by your depression.

 

The othe thing is Canuck is that YOU are getting back YOUR life that has been consumed by the depression. You are also releasing a burden.

 

I think you should write the letter, but leave it for a few days at least before you decide if you really want to send it.

 

It may be that the you never get to explain to your ex. In time she will forgive you anyway, whatever you did to her.

If you meet someone else, think how they will benefit from your recovery. As will you. A clean slate isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[Canuck2006]

Honestly I would write the letter than burn it. Don't give it to her. She's heard it all from you. If she's not trying to actively contact you then I believe she is moving on. If she is finding happiness elsewhere, let her have it.

 

Like thecount said, words aren't just enough anymore even though that's all you really have. Though depression is a disease it's not the entire reason why things happened the way they did. To just blame it on that is just an excuse in her eyes. You need to accept and take responsibiliy for your actions without saying '.. it was because of the depression'. Good chance it was a lack of your maturity as well, in which people gain over time at different paces.

 

This letter you seem to be writing is directed towards yourself. It shouldn't be. The letter shouldn't have very many 'I's in it. If I were you I would also look up the 5 stages of grief, sounds like it's something you are going through.

 

My ex-fiancee was clinically depressed and so is my wife. It's not fun to go through and you never seem to get to feel that you are on a level playing field. One day things are good, the next she threatens to leave. If you do something that upsets her the whole day is ruined no matter how small or trival that thing was. You can never feel 'My spouse loves me unconditionally' because depression doesn't allow your spouse to feel that. It's based on what they are feeling at that particular time which varies like a roller coaster. You slowly start to see the future with that person slowly diminishing because you truly don't know what they are feeling under all those layers of depression. You become more of a psychologist and an emotional punching bag for this person instead of being their mate.

 

It's almost like taking on the added responsibility of having a 2 or 3 year old child when you are with someone with this kind of depression. It's hard and your emotions get strung all over the place. Your ex has finally had this burden taken off of her and she's finally getting back to her 'life' which was consumed by your depression.

 

This doesn't make you a bad person, I am just trying to point out what she may have gone through with dealing with all of this. A heart felt letter just won't cut it (IMO). What will is time, and allowing her to find her happiness with or without you. Trying to convince her to come back by this letter, though you are saying you are writing it for your closure is more for your benefit than hers. So write it, and burn it. Work and improve on yourself and perhaps months/years from now when she "sees" this improvement and this new you, things might change.

 

It's a long and slow process..

 

 

I appreciate your comments. Please remember that what you went through isn't what anybody else might be. Never the less i do thank you for your insight. Please understand that you don't know enough to say that depression wasn't the reason we broke up. It straight up was. When somebody has lost their way and is so sick they lash out at the person they love over and over again, of course somebody is going to walk away. My depression was from a past work experience that knocked the hell out of my head and I thought I was okay. I didn't realize the damage it had done. So was it my maturity? No not at all. I'm the kind of person that has had great relationships, has goals and wants a future. That's what killed me. Everything was in place. She wanted the same thing.

 

I wish I would have known the damage that was in my head. I could have done so much more. But I'm focusing on the future.

 

 

Of course I would like closure on this. Who wouldn't after going through something like that? The thing is that it's not just that. She has straight out said she doesn't get or understand why I had said some of the things I did. I know why it happened. I'm hearing her on the phone in tears because it's hurting her and she doesn't get why I said it. I didn't even mention the depression. It's not something you say over the phone in my opinion. It's taken me months to figure that out with a professional. Sure it takes a person "seeing changes" but when you don't understand in the first place, then that leaves a question that will always remain. I'm not the kind of person that would only try and heal myself..regardless of if I ever have the relationship I deserve with that person. You don't define your relationship you had with an illness.

I'm just trying to be a bit more of a friend and give her space and maybe take some of the pain away from what happened. It's the most I can hope for.

 

I'd encourage you to read as much as you can about depression as far as your wife goes there is a lot of great resources out there. You'll probably never quite understand what it's like to feel this way unless you go through it which I hope you never have to. It's also quite different for men as appossed to women.

 

Thanks for your comments guys.

[D-Lish]

My depression was defined by sadness and irritability. I was so unhappy at my core, that nothing made me happy- my entire existance was being a slave to anger and sadness- hopelessness.... not to mention insecurity and self loathing. It was awful.

 

I convinced myself that it was just a phase, a situation inspired by the stress of running a new business and financial burdens. You never really understand how you affect the others around you until it's often too late.

 

To this day I have great regret that my ex met me during the most tumultuous time in my life. I realized far too late how my behaviour impacted my relationship. My misery caused him to be miserable by being around me. I had decided to seek help before we broke up- had made an appointment with my doctor to discuss therapy and meds. But, I was too late, the damage had already been done. He walked away before I had a chance to turn things around. I'll always regret that.

 

He walked away and didn't speak to me again for 5 months. I don't blame him- my depression was a burden on him. It's been six months now, and I am feeling so much better. I've been through quite a process in the last six months. I wish he could see the transformation. That happy, confident girl has resurfaced.... but the damage has already been done with my ex.

 

I have written many letters to my ex.... most of which were never sent. There is a lot of therapeutic value in just writing down thoughts and feelings. I realized long ago that my words were empty to him- because he had moved on, reconciled with the notion that he didn't love me anymore. So, those letters have been for my own benefit.

 

I am still feeling a lot of sadness over losing him. It's still frustrating to realize that he never really got to see who I really am. I know he saw glimpses of that person.... and that he really enjoyed spending time with her. In spite of that, i feel as if I owe him a great deal... afterall, it was seeing how my illness affected him that inspired me to get help.... to realize I needed help.

 

Canuck, the fact that you are feeling better is a positive step in the right direction. Be proud of yourself for hauling yourself up out of that dark place that depression takes us.

:-)

D

[jmargel]

I appreciate your comments. Please remember that what you went through isn't what anybody else might be. Never the less i do thank you for your insight. Please understand that you don't know enough to say that depression wasn't the reason we broke up. It straight up was. When somebody has lost their way and is so sick they lash out at the person they love over and over again, of course somebody is going to walk away. My depression was from a past work experience that knocked the hell out of my head and I thought I was okay. I didn't realize the damage it had done. So was it my maturity? No not at all. I'm the kind of person that has had great relationships, has goals and wants a future. That's what killed me. Everything was in place. She wanted the same thing.

 

I wish I would have known the damage that was in my head. I could have done so much more. But I'm focusing on the future.

 

 

Of course I would like closure on this. Who wouldn't after going through something like that? The thing is that it's not just that. She has straight out said she doesn't get or understand why I had said some of the things I did. I know why it happened. I'm hearing her on the phone in tears because it's hurting her and she doesn't get why I said it. I didn't even mention the depression. It's not something you say over the phone in my opinion. It's taken me months to figure that out with a professional. Sure it takes a person "seeing changes" but when you don't understand in the first place, then that leaves a question that will always remain. I'm not the kind of person that would only try and heal myself..regardless of if I ever have the relationship I deserve with that person. You don't define your relationship you had with an illness.

I'm just trying to be a bit more of a friend and give her space and maybe take some of the pain away from what happened. It's the most I can hope for.

 

I'd encourage you to read as much as you can about depression as far as your wife goes there is a lot of great resources out there. You'll probably never quite understand what it's like to feel this way unless you go through it which I hope you never have to. It's also quite different for men as appossed to women.

 

Thanks for your comments guys.

 

 

I had gone through it after my ex-fiancee left. To the point I was suicidal. It was down to the day that I was going to do it, and wrote 3 letters, one to my brothers, one to my parents & one to my ex. The depression went on close to a year and even my meds didn't help. At first the thoughts of my family stopped me from wanting to do it, but after time that didin't even matter. I just wanted the pain to stop. I was in a dark tunnel with blinders on, I had no hope for tomorrow. That was the biggest problem was hope. It was completely drained. I hid the depression well and only two people noticed enough to say something.

 

So I know what depression is, and though you may have been mature in that your goals were in order, emotionally you were not. IMO to her if you tell her it was the depression it's going to seem like an excuse to her even though this is how you feel.

 

Honestly I think she has closure, if she didn't she would be calling you.

 

 

I'm not the kind of person that would only try and heal myself

 

You can't heal her. The best you can do is let her be, and when she's ready she will contact you. As long as you keep pursuing this, you will push her further away.

 

It just sounds like you are going to do what you want to do, which is your life, but I am just trying to give suggestions.

[taylor]

I think the other posters on this thread have given you some wonderful advise and keen insight into their personal experiences with depression and how it affects those around them whom they love.

 

I agree you should write a letter, but don't send it. It will go a long way to help you forgive yourself for the hurt and pain you caused your girlfriend. Yes, I said, FORGIVE YOURSELF.

 

Hang on to the letter and every time you start feeling awful about how you treated her and about the pain you caused her, reread the letter.

 

I know that you want to ease her pain. But like many of us here on LS who are recovering from heartache, you know the LAST person who can take the pain away is the person who CAUSED it.

 

You need to continue giving your girlfriend time and space to recover from the pain. You ask if 4.5 months is long enough? The answer is there is no time limit on healing. Everyone faces their own unique set of challenges as they go through the healing process. We step forward, stumble, and then step back, over and over, until we can finally keep walking forward with a sure and confident step.

 

I agree with the poster who said over time your girlfriend will eventually forgive you. Deep down, I think that is what you want the most from her right now. It will happen. But it will take a lot of time. You can't push someone to forgive you. Explaining why you did what you did (depression) will not make her "see the light" and forgive you instantaneously. Like healing, forgiveness is a process that evolves over time. Forgiveness is being able to let go of the pain caused by another person. No explanation from you is going to make her magically let go of the pain. Only time can do that.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, but you need to keep in mind that even if your girlfriend does find it in her heart to forgive you, she may still not want to become a part of your life again. She may not feel she is strong enough to deal with the emotional turmoil that comes with depression. Like I said before, it does not mean she is a bad person or a selfish person, just a person who does not possess that kind of strength.

 

I am so afraid you are hinging your recovery on what your girlfriend does or doesn't do. Please don't do that. You need to move forward in your recovery regardless of whether your girlfriend is in your life or not and regardless of whether you ever get closure or forgiveness from her.

 

Find your own closure. I know, easier said than done. But try to accept that this woman came into your life for a reason - perhaps to put you on that road to recovery. Maybe she will come back into your life, maybe she won't. But regardless, you will be a better person for having known her.

 

Find it in your heart to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. We all have our demons to contend with. We all carry burdens of guilt for hurting other people. Of course, we all want to right the wrongs that we have done to others. Of course, we are sorry for bringing pain and suffering to another person. But there is only so much we can do to ease that pain. We can't take it back. The damage is already done. That's all we can do is offer a sincere and heartfelt apology, learn from it, vow not to hurt another person in the same way again, forgive ourselves, and move on.

 

Stay strong and be kind to yourself. You will see your way through this. And who knows what wonderful things might be waiting for you at the other end.

[sb129]

Great post Taylor.