Recent break up.

[LisaR]

I have been dating the most wonderful man for the past 2 years. He is educated, kind, and intelligent. He is a college professor, and I had some difficulties adjusting to his job. I was very jealous of all the interactions he had with female students, and we ended up briefly splitting up last January over it. After a few days we got back together, and things were a bit better, although we still had some problems. Things seemed to be getting bad between us once again, and three weeks ago we basically both decided to put our best foot forward and try again. We were getting along great, then we went to my brother's wedding reception and I had too much to drink. We ended up in a huge fight, where I yelled at him and was quite rude. The fight lasted three days, and he broke things off. I am totally devasted, and terrified. I think he truly means to end things permanently. He is not contacting me at all, and not responding when I contact him. I have made an appt. to get counseling. The reason I need counselling is that I have some very unreasonable expectations in the relationship, and he said he feels like he is always under the microscope or on the witness stand. He is right to feel that way. I have made him so he is nervous at work whenever he interacts with a female student. He mentioned before going to scientific conferences, and I threw a fit and said it was unreasonable for him to even think of going without me. I acted ridiculously. I was so scared of losing him that I tried to control his every move, and now I ended up really losing him. I want to get the help I need so that I can be a strong, independent, rational partner for him (or if it is really over for my own sake). I have already showed up unannounced twice at his apartment, and I am to the point where I think he feels stalked by me. I am scared that if I wait too long to contact him it will be too late, and he will have moved on without me. My new plan was to go to counselling for a few weeks, and see if I can make some improvements to myself, and maybe have a more mature, stable attitude toward him. Then I wanted to contact him, and see if he is ready and willing to try again.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have never been dumped before, and the pain is unbearable. I think my family is getting burned out on my neediness recently. Right now I have two goals, each equally important. Number 1 is reconciliation and number 2 is to become a healthier, happier partner, for both of our sake.

[Tony T]

You are correct to seek counselling for your low self image and insecurities.

 

The reason people get into relationships with others, and even fall in love, is because of the way the other person makes them feel. You clearly made your guy feel untrusted and he ultimately realized that's not the way he wanted to feel.

 

Most people do not want to be in a relationship with a person who is very insecure and jealous. Those are simply not the qualities that most people seek in a mate.

 

It's not likely he'll give you another chance, given the times the two of you tried to work things out.

 

Until you grow to love yourself more, be more confident, and be more secure with your ownself, you will never have a great relationship with someone worth having.

 

If you really care about your ex, you will let him go to find someone who is understanding of his required interaction with female (and male) students and who is secure with themselves.

 

Have patience with yourself, you'll get there. This is all a matter of timing. You owe it to your ex for giving you this major wake-up call to seek help. If you work hard, you can be successful in future relationships. It will take a lot longer than a few weeks of counselling for you to overcome the insecurities that have built up in you for a lifetime. Be very patient and work through these through time. There is NO instant fix.

 

ALWAYS remember, if you make the other person feel great they'll be with you forever. If you keep them on edge, they split in a heartbeat. Always keep that in mind.

[katybird]

Tony's advice is right on the money.

 

I've been where you are. Not only have I been dumped by a science professor, I've also been in situations where I've behaved like a wingnut upon breaking up with someone.

 

The thing to try to remember is to hold on to whatever shreds of dignity you have left.

 

Do not contact this guy. At all. Someday, you may be able to talk to him. The longer you wait to do so, the better. View this like an addiction, and talk about it with your counselor. I remember seeing a book on the subject called "Dont call that man: a guide to letting go." You can find it by searching amazon.com.

 

The chances of getting him back are very, very slim. I'm sorry to tell you that. Anything you do to try and win him back will only make it worse by pushing him away and injuring your self esteem.

 

If you leave him alone, you'll give yourself space to heal and do what you need to do for yourself. Sometimes, we just screw up. We have to accept that, even though it sucks. For a non-romantic example, I'll tell you that I lost my dream of a military career due to some mistakes I made ten years ago, combined with some other mistakes in the past year. I have only myself to blame, but I try not to beat myself up any more. Hopefully I've learned my lesson.

 

I know I've lost relationships because I behaved wrongly. I try to learn and move forward and not let it happen again.

 

If you have any experience with addiction, or have been close to someone who has, perhaps you'll understand when I say that you need to look at this as an addiction. You have to tell yourself that you can't call him. Sometimes, you'll have to take it one day at a time, and eventually, you'll be at the point of accepting that you'll never be with this man.

 

The work you need to do with the counselor is to avoid the pain and sorrow of repeating this mistake in the future.

 

I have one bright hope for you in regards to this man: if you leave him totally alone, and get the help you need, you'll probably be able to be friendly towards himin a casual way. This won't be truly successful until you've gotten over him, but you'll still have the satisfaction of being on civil terms with him. I have plenty of ex bf's who wouldn't take me back, but are pretty good friends now that that is no longer even an issue.

[LisaR]

I talked to him on the phone, and he is really through with me this time. He left no room for doubt. He said he doesn't miss me, and that there hasn't been one second when he has regretted his decision. He said that even if I get counselling and change my ways he still does not want anything to do with me. He told me that he wants a woman who does not need counselling to understand how to get along with a man. He told me to leave him alone from now on. I feel so horrible, and I wish more than anything I could have another chance with him, but I am going to leave him alone from now on, and I am not going to try to convince myself he is just angry and will get over it. I am planning on keeping my counselling apointment, and I hope that helps. My friends and family have been great. They feel I am going to be better off in the long run, because this man is very career oriented and has told me numerous times that to him a job is far more important than family.

He has told me that he has never in his life felt bonded to anyone, including his parents, sister, friends and his first wife. He was married to her for eight years. He used to tell me he felt bonded to me, but sometimes I felt like he was trying to convince himself of that. Also, I have two children, and he did not have any and didn't want any. He tolerated my kids, and was very nice to them, but I could tell he also avoided them. He wouldn't come over at night until 10pm after the kids were asleep, and he often seemed really stressed when they were around. He even asked me once if I thought I would ever send them to live with their father, to which I said no way. I realize I am probably searching for something to make me feel better, but maybe he is correct that we are just not compatible. His father is terminally ill, and he told me that he feels like his dad wasted his life on his family, rather than concentrating on his career and on doing whatever he wanted instead of trying to please a wife. I told him his dad probably would say that his best times were with his wife and kids, and he told me that he just didn't understand how anyone could feel that way.

 

Thanks for the advice. I know I screwed up, but I agree that I will get the help I need before the next man comes along, and that I will eventually forgive myself for acting the way I did. My ex does not maintain any type of contact with any exes, and he said it is the same for us. He has no interest in where they are, what they do, etc. He said he simply does not care, once the relationship is over.

[butterflyz]

first:

as you go more into the description of your relationship, i can see why your panic button was always pressed. he communicated to you about his dad wasting time on the family, coming over after the kids went to bed, agitated around the kids, wondering if they'll go to the father. this guy is using you and it is for the best that you are not together

 

second:

your insecurity may not be all you - it may be the relationship and him. see how you feel when you start to date others again and they don't treat you the way that this guy has. i used to think that i was very insecure and jealous until i dated my ex husband. i married him because i knew he would never cheat on me ( and he never did - we just were not mean to be married). so it goes to show you - it may not be all you.

[katybird]

I, too, thought that there were many good reasons for you two not to be together, and that your insecurity was probably brought on by his jerkiness.

 

Look, there are a lot of reasons for you two to not be together: your views on family and career, your children, what you want in your futures.

 

No, you're not just telling yourself this to feel better - it's true!

 

But, that doesn't help much when you're feeling the pain of rejection, does it? Instead of focusing on how you can behave better in the future, think about how you can NOT get involved with men who make you feel this way. I mean, I know I've been in situations where I've tried to make it work where it just shouldn't... and I don't know why I couldn't just dump him and move on to better things.

 

If you find yourself tempted to contact him, check out that book I recommended - it's really good!

[LisaR]

Thanks for your replies.

 

It sucks to be on the same college campus. It is a huge university (Big Ten), but I saw him today walking on campus. I was in a car with some friends, and I just looked away and I have no idea if he saw me, and frankly at the time I didn't care. Today I have felt quite a bit of anger, which I didn't expect. I feel like doing something rotten to make him feel bad (nothing illegal!), but I plan to act like a mature adult instead.

 

 

He is not a traditionally handsome man (he's 5'8", 240lbs, thick dark glasses, looks like a scientist), and has told me many times he has always had trouble getting dates. I don't want to be hateful, but today I could not help but hope he can't get anyone to go out with him, or at least no one he is attracted to. Then I am disgusted to find myself thinking that if nobody will date him maybe he will end up coming back to me. I really wouldn't want a man who is only dating me because he cannot get anyone else to date him, but that is just what was going through my mind today. I know that one of the main reasons he was initially interested was because he thought I was beautiful, and said he was stunned when I said yes when he asked me out. I cannot help sometimes but think that maybe I could dress attractively, and "accidently" run into him sometimes, and maybe he would be attracted again. I will not really do this, I know it is demeaning. I work in a hospital, and have the opportunity to date many professional men (physicians, occupational or physical therapists, nurses, etc) but at this point I just cannot imagine myself with anyone but him. Maybe that will change. I go back and forth between intellectually understanding this is probably for the best, to emotionally freaking out and plotting how to get him to come back. Maybe this is part of the process.

[Ally Boo]

Great advice guys!

[just_a_girl]

LisaR,

 

The need of wanting to date him and feeling like you can only be with him will change. Admittedly i am still in that mood at the moment, but the guy i long for is already with another girl after me.

 

In the long run you will see that you can find someone else and someone that is better. It may not be the next guy, but hopefully the next one is a better one then him.

 

I know how hard it is seeing him around your campus all the time, especially when you want to talk to him still and he wants nothing to do with you. My ex is a teacher where i study and i still see him around sometimes and it hurts alot to not be able to go and talk to him like we used to before. He wants nothing to do with me. In time though i know it will be a better alternative. Just like me i am sure you have plenty of great friends and family who see you for the great person you are ... obviously he doesn't want to see you that way and it is his loss. It may still feel like your's, but it really is his. You are a great person and will find someone better.

 

Just think positive thoughts, i know it can be hard sometimes. ... but you have no other choice. Keep your head up high.

 

 

 

Feel free to respond to my post which is of a similar issue:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=18025

[butterflyz]

your feelings are so normal for someone disconnecting.

 

first, your revenge fantasies, as long as they stay fantasies are fine.

second, your fantasy about looking great and running into him, etc. is also fine - you want your ego boosted back up.

 

but, the one thing you need to keep in mind:

-he is very selfish. any man that doesn't want a woman who needs counseling to get along with a man, is unrealistic. you think your expectations are unrealistic, what about his?

 

keep that in the back of your mind, it will help you grow strong and it will be a guide for when you meet someone else. most guys wouldn't care if you were in therapy or not.

 

and remember, a good relationship doesn't breed insecurity or jealousy it breeds faith.