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does my bf have issues?


Lauriebell82

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i have a question about a situation that happened with my boyfriend a couple nights ago. he was studying for the cpa exam and stated that he was thirsty so being the nice gf that i am i got up to get him a glass of water and brought it to him.

 

he took it and then i went to sit down next to him on the couch. i guess i sat down to fast or too close to him or something. he spilled his water on his shirt and a little on his study book. i started to apologize and then he jumped up and gave me the dirtiest look in the world and ran up the stairs to change his shirt. when he came back down he went in the kitchen and started to clean up and empty the dishwasher (what he usually does when he's pissed off). i went to try to apologize again and told him it was just an accident. he didnt view it that way and told me that i was being careless and practically jumped on top of him after i had given him a full glass of water.

 

well i disagreed and we got in a fight over the issue. i told him that i had tried to apologize and he ran up the stairs like a little baby. he got pissed and said that even though it was an accident it still happened and that i should take responsiblity for my accidents. THIS IS ALL OVER FREAKING SPILLED WATER! not even a lot. i have no clue why he freaked out like this. maybe he was stressed about his exam i dont know.

 

we have since made up, and he apologized and said it was a stupid fight and everything. i'm still upset about it though and i'm wondering what his deal is. i'm curious whether or not to talk about this situation, but maybe it will just start another fight. does anyone have any advice about this? its like he gets so pissed off when something gets accidently damaged, and he doesnt even view it as an accident. i dont know why he is like this, we barely fight except when i do something to "upset him." (mess something up).

 

any advice for me?

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my guess is that it has nothing to do with spilled water... I am not sure what the issue could be.. he may be stressed out. Does he always freak out over little things or is it only when he seems to be stressed.. like because he was studying for his CPA exam.. he still shouldn't have made a big deal over it like that.. but maybe stess has something to do with it. Try talking to him about it.. but I understand that you don't want to start another fight. Sometime or another though it would be a good idea to talk about it with him. Not so much the water incident.. but ask him if something has been bothering him lately.

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You're in his face while he's trying to study for the damn CPA exam!!!!

 

Hand him the water, and walk away and let him sit on the couch with his study book.

 

Why can't you understand the stress he's under??

 

Isn't the exam just like DAYS AWAY!?!?!??!?!?

 

Ugh.

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bluechocolate

we have since made up, and he apologized and said it was a stupid fight and everything. i'm still upset about it though and i'm wondering what his deal is. i'm curious whether or not to talk about this situation, but maybe it will just start another fight. does anyone have any advice about this?

 

What is there to talk about? He's apologised & admitted it was a stupid fight. Forget about it & move on.

 

maybe he was stressed about his exam i dont know.

 

Yes, it was a result of his stress over studying for this exam. How could you not know that?

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the exam was today and he said he did really well..we were sitting next to each other on the couch before i got up to get him some water..so naturally i sat back down next time. i was reading a book and he was studying so i wasnt bothering him!!!!

 

its not just the stress over the exam, he's freaked out when stuff has spilled before..i knocked over a cup of water that was on his desk one time and he got really pissed off so i think he might just hate it when stuff gets damaged. i didnt make this thread so i could have everyone tell me it was over the exam, because i think it might be something more. he talks to me like i'm a little kid sometimes and it upsets me so i was just wondering what i could do about it.

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the exam was today and he said he did really well..we were sitting next to each other on the couch before i got up to get him some water..so naturally i sat back down next time. i was reading a book and he was studying so i wasnt bothering him!!!!

 

its not just the stress over the exam, he's freaked out when stuff has spilled before..i knocked over a cup of water that was on his desk one time and he got really pissed off so i think he might just hate it when stuff gets damaged. i didnt make this thread so i could have everyone tell me it was over the exam, because i think it might be something more. he talks to me like i'm a little kid sometimes and it upsets me so i was just wondering what i could do about it.

 

He's been under tremendous pressure for a long time with this exam. He has, and you know it. I'm not surprised that little things set him off. You also know that you have a tendancy to personalize everything - you immediately think there is something wrong with the relationship if there is something off, something like where his head is while he's been studying.

 

At the same time, he could also be upset that things get spilled - not because of the damage - but because you HOVER around him when he's in the middle of something, perhaps waiting for his attention? Kinda like a little kid wants attention so gets in the way when mom or dad is doing something. The spill triggers the frustration he's been feeling at being clung to like that?

 

Just throwing some thoughts out to consider in case it might ring true.

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I don't understand how people are coming to the conclusion that she's hovering or clinging or whatever. What passages in her posts indicate this to you?

 

I agree the exam could have stressed the guy out enough to make him act like an ass.

 

I've seen guys be hyper-critical toward their women. I've seen them act like babies about little stuff. I can think of one friend of mine who was pretty controlling of his women and picked at them about stuff all the time. They ended up leaving him. The last time I saw him he was married, and he was acting so disappointed in his wife all the time. Like she was stupid. And she seemed sad and not as bright and cheerful as the last time I had seen her.

 

My point is, it could be her, it could be him. I didn't see much evidence of clinging behavior on her part. She described him getting upset at her after she did something nice. Then he didn't say anything, but just got pissed.

 

I'd say this guy has a hard time expressing himself. I wonder how much time you spend together.

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I don't understand how people are coming to the conclusion that she's hovering or clinging or whatever. What passages in her posts indicate this to you?

 

He could indeed be hypercritical. That's not the impression I've gotten from lauriebelle's other (multiple) threads, though.

 

I actually don't think these two have major problems. I think lauriebelle is stressed from their LDR and not seeing him as much as she would like...she's in school and in love. He's working long hours and has been studying for this CPA exam. She's been taking his studying personally, as though he might not want to see her...She's hoping they get married...they've been together 5 months.

 

Young love in bloom, and they're still getting used to each other, I think. That's all. :)

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Cous Cous With Goose

lol. Have you had sex?:laugh:

sorry jp jp

 

If you're so curious, ask him. 'why do you freak out when I spill stuff?'

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RE:

 

We have since made up, and he apologized and said it was a stupid fight and everything.

 

Be happy. Smile. Enjoy. Carry on with life, and forget about the incident.

 

BUT in hindsight -and compartmentalize this in your mind:

 

Are you comfortable in the way he projects his attitude towards you -as a grown woman; an adult?

 

Do you treat and tolerate his behavior in the same manner as he does you?

 

Think about it. I don't believe you two see eye-to-eye. But that is just my opinion.

 

Sand&Water

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Cous Cous With Goose

It could just be frustration, I don't know. The ONLY time I get pissed(besides if someone is just being an ass and is asking to get beat) is if I play videogames, which I dont really do anymore. But I know where that's coming from, like ANYTHING will piss you off. Doesn't matter if it's water. Weird eh?

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its not about being clingy..my bf WANTED me to be over there, wanted me to sit with him on the couch while he studied. i'm more concerned about him being overly critical. we have a good relationship, we dont view "accidents" the same way however and that is the major problem. i have tried to tell him that i dont mean to do that and he views it as "it doesnt matter if u mean to do it, it still happened, and u have to take responsiblity." so he's more matter-of-fact than i am.

 

i get defensive when i feel like he's talking down to me and thats why we got into it the other night. hence why i made the thread to see what everyone thought. my bf and i dont have major issues, now that the exam is over things will probably calm down, and even if it was stress from the cpa that set him off, i still think that he acts like my parent sometimes. so i'm wondering what to do about the situation. i dont want to beat the issue to death because we resolved the fight, but at the same time i would like to try to prevent this from happening again.

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Is he a lot older than you? Aside from the spilling things, what are other examples when you feel like he's acting like your parent?

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no he's only 9 months older than me. a lot of it is little stupid things, i think he tends to get obsessed over things being in order and stuff. it pisses him off when things are messed up. everytime i spend the night at his apartment and he leaves for work in the morning, he always reminds me to make his bed and clean up when i wake up. this is all the time!!! i already do those things because i stay there a lot on the weekend, so i am willing to help him clean up.

 

another example: i was looking at some pictures that he had gotten developed that he had put in a photo album. as i was looking at them he kept telling me to stop bending the edges of the pages of the album. i almost snapped on him because it was so annoying. i felt like a two year old. he gets angry at me over stupid stuff and talks down to me like i'm his kid instead of his adult gf. maybe he's just obsessive instead of hyper-critical. i dont know.

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OH. :laugh:

 

It's not you - he's an anal retentive neat freak.

 

I used to be friends with a guy who would pull out the vacuum cleaner and vacuum during parties at his house. :rolleyes:

 

Keep an eye on that. Either it's a personality quirk and you can learn to laugh at it (and appreciate that he will always pay the bills on time and will take care of putting the pics in the albums instead of leaving them lying around). Or it can be a sign of a controlling personality.

 

Maybe what you bring to his life is a little more laid back attitude that he appreciates because it helps him lighten up (though it also drives him crazy because he doesn't think the way you do). If you can help him learn to laugh at himself, that's even better.

 

But don't let him control you, certainly not about important things.

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The snapping in anger over stupid things reminds me of my Dad. He will go from zero to ninety in 2.5 seconds over something very trivial. I used to be a lot like that (go figure, I learned something form my parents) and I'm much better, but still find myself snapping at my kids sometimes. The difference now is that I immediately catch myself, identify it's MY problem, and apologize. I try really hard to have more patience, but I recognize that I have some anger management issues and continue to work on this area of my personality. I didn't go to classes or see a therapist, I just finally recognized it and worked on it myself. Being consciously aware made a big improvement and learning that apologizing is only enough if you don't keep repeating the same behavior over and over. It is at times hard to deprogram yourself of a behavior that has been a part of your life forever, but it is satisfying to improve oneself in general.

 

maybe your BF suffers from a bit of that type of characteristic. Like Sand & Water said, let it go, but keep a memory file and it this continues while dating and seeing each other infrequently, it will only increase tenfold if you actually live together or marry.

 

I don't think my Dad even thinks he has a problem at all. And my mother is a saint for putting up with his crap. A bit of a doormat type personality, but still a saint.

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wow lol ya know i never realized this before..i mean i knew he was neat and clean but he's been showing me more and more lately (maybe because he's been stressed, i dont know). now that his exams are over his stress level should go down so maybe he wont be as obsessive. i guess i'm just giong to have to be careful. i mean i like to keep my apartment clean and stuff but i dont let messes and stuff bother me. he's not really controlling.

 

the thing that i worry about is once he figures out that i'm not as clean as he is, will he still want to live with me in the future or if we get married? we live in different apartments and stuff and i dont always keep my apartment spotless, but when he comes on the weekend i make sure its all clean and nice. maybe i should talk to him about this, but it might backfire and piss him off. any other opinions guys?

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OH. :laugh:

 

It's not you - he's an anal retentive neat freak.

 

I used to be friends with a guy who would pull out the vacuum cleaner and vacuum during parties at his house. :rolleyes:

 

Keep an eye on that. Either it's a personality quirk and you can learn to laugh at it (and appreciate that he will always pay the bills on time and will take care of putting the pics in the albums instead of leaving them lying around). Or it can be a sign of a controlling personality.

 

Maybe what you bring to his life is a little more laid back attitude that he appreciates because it helps him lighten up (though it also drives him crazy because he doesn't think the way you do). If you can help him learn to laugh at himself, that's even better.

 

But don't let him control you, certainly not about important things.

Maybe he will empty the ice trays into the ice bin and actually manage to refill the ice trays and place them back in the freezer! (FYI, I have an ice maker but BF does not and this an annoyance to me when I go for ice and there are nothing but empty trays in the freezer.)

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wow lol ya know i never realized this before..i mean i knew he was neat and clean but he's been showing me more and more lately (maybe because he's been stressed, i dont know). now that his exams are over his stress level should go down so maybe he wont be as obsessive. i guess i'm just giong to have to be careful. i mean i like to keep my apartment clean and stuff but i dont let messes and stuff bother me. he's not really controlling.

 

the thing that i worry about is once he figures out that i'm not as clean as he is, will he still want to live with me in the future or if we get married? we live in different apartments and stuff and i dont always keep my apartment spotless, but when he comes on the weekend i make sure its all clean and nice. maybe i should talk to him about this, but it might backfire and piss him off. any other opinions guys?

 

You're too sweet. Turn it around - can you handle living with Spotless Sam? You have every right to wonder if you can deal with his neatness, as much as he might wonder if he can deal with less than neat. He has to accept you as you are, as you do him, so be yourself and don't worry if he "figures out" you're not as anal as he is.

 

Both of you can learn to compromise on this...it will take some time, but you can. As I said, teach him to laugh at himself a little.

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yeah i love him and i accept that hes a neat freak. i can clean up when i want to, i guess when our relationship isnt long distance i'm giong to have to make more of an effort.

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