Girlfriend Lied About Past!

[hummingantelope]

Hi,

 

[COLOR=black]In the past months I've read about this topic in countless threads on many different forums. Either a girlfriend or boyfriend lies about their past sexual history to their partner, and the partner who was lied to is upset. Some people respond by saying the past is the past. Others wonder why one person needed to lie about it, and point out that the one who was lied to may be a judgmental person. It’s hard to tell when someone tells a story online, what exactly the situation is, and why something someone else did makes one person feel the way they do. Being in such a situation that I hadn't ever imagined myself being in, I struggle to try to figure out what the right thing to do is, despite what I want to do at times. And what I want to do or what I feel is always changing with the time of the day. It comes down to myself being insecure about some things and my now fiancée being insecure about some things. I don't know if I have much of a question to ask for advice on, as I'm not going to ask if I should break off my engagement because of my girlfriend's past. I wouldn't think of it. But I am looking to just try to let go of things that bother me - not forget, but let go. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]I had a pretty normal life growing up. I was lucky in school around the time when kids start dating to have quite a few girls go for me. I was unlucky to be very shy, often giving the wrong message in response to them. But it’s the past, and so I'm happy that I acted the way I did to get me where I am now, despite the fact that there were mistakes - mistakes don't need to develop regret (this is what I want to say again later). I never had a serious girlfriend for any amount of time, and though once I almost slipped, I was determined not to have sex until I found the girl I wanted to spend my life with. Maybe I go the idea from movies or something. I don't know. I just felt like it would make it more special. It was something just me and the person I'd be with forever would share. Sometime into my high school years, I became a Christian, which was completely uncorrelated to my determination to wait for the right person when I made that decision. Though, it did change my view into "waiting for marriage", and gave me a set of values held by a group to lump in my own strange little value that I'd held previously with. That value hasn't changed for me - I think it’s good to wait till marriage. But every person has their own path, you know?[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]I mention that I became a Christian only so that I could make clear that I developed a dislike for sexual promiscuity completely separate from what anyone else would call my religious beliefs. The sort of disgust I developed for people who acted a certain way about their sexuality was from my own frustrations. The truth is that I did want to have sex. I'd watched pornography regularly like the majority of guys going into adulthood. I'm sure I have more than my fair share of hormones that make me want to be with someone. My shyness wore down over the years, but was still enough to protect me from actually being with someone. Without it, I doubt I would have had the self control. I knew it, and I hated it about myself too. My frustration even made me cut off contact with a girl I really did come to like a lot because I knew she was sexually promiscuous. She had a great personality and made me laugh all the time, but I saw her as bad news. It wouldn't be right if I was with her. She didn't have any values as far as I was concerned. Then I whined about it to myself convinced that I had handled it the wrong way after it was too late. You know, we've all got mistakes. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]I had just lost a friend who was a girl who I really liked, and who I wanted to date, but because of some really strange circumstances we ended up never speaking again. To make a long story short, we were both a bit crazy, but it still hurt a lot because she had become somewhat close to me. Immediately after that I started dating a girl in a non-sexual relationship. We dated each other because we both wanted to talk about how much pain we were in. It was pathetic. She's cool, but we don't really match, and we realized it pretty quick. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]All of this added up to me going away to the other side of the world to study for a year or so. It had a lot to do with that friend I lost. She convinced me to go while we were still friends. When you go to a new place, it is easy to get attention. I started going out and meeting girls for lunch and dinner right away, just to make friends. I made a lot of friends through where I lived and through classes too. I even made some local friends there online - just random chatting. One night, I talked about it with a new friend I had made. I've lost contact with most of these "instant first month friends" over time, but I'll always remember this. We talked about something like how it is to start somewhere different where you have no ties yet. She said I didn't have to worry about dating for a long time since I was living a temporary, but long temporary life. I mean, nothing seriously should become of anything. I could sort of experiment with life. I don't remember any of the exact words, but that's the idea. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]So some days went by from that day, and I found myself meeting up a girl I had talked to online for three weeks or so since I had arrived in my new home. We didn't talk much at first because we went to see a movie. Then we went out to eat. We talked a bit more, but I was pretty shy to her still. We went out to a bar and each had one drink - no big deal. We sat there and talked a while though. Though I wasn't shy as much anymore at this point in my life, I had more or less developed a very mechanical outgoing personality. I think everyone does this - just a way you act toward new people as compared to people you already know. With this girl though, things were different. When we finally did start talking, I found myself being able to be much more my natural self than usual. But, I was living a temporary life and I didn't think she looked like my type at first anyway, so my thoughts were summed up by "too bad". [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]It’s hard for me to even believe how naive I was when she asked me if I wanted to head to her apartment, even though it was getting pretty late and we both knew I'd have to sleep there since the trains would stop. Actually, she first hinted if we should go back to my credit. I lived in a dorm with rather strict rules, so we went with plan B. We discussed it and she said that we could have some drinks and talk a while and I could go back in the morning. She only convinced me because I was concerned about getting back to do some work for a class, that I could make it home pretty early the next day. But in the end she said it’s just if I want - she understands if I'm busy. I thought it was a great chance to see someone's home and talk to them and get to know someone on a more personal level in a place that was new to me. I decided to take the opportunity because I really did enjoy talking to her. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]We bought some drinks at a convenience store and headed to her home where she lived alone. Without getting into much detail, I did what I never dreamed I'd do. We didn't know anything about each others pasts and she never would have thought that my past was so empty sexually. She was really understanding when I explained why I didn't want to yet. But I was lying to her. I really did. Eventually we were together that night. Both of us were sure we wanted to at the time. She was understanding and explained to me that she had only been with her first boyfriend years ago, and since then she hadn't been with anyone. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]The next days were you know, devastating to me. I couldn't believe what I had done. I didn't talk to her for a while. We were supposed to have lunch some days later. I planned on skipping it. I was going to sit at home and work for the rest of my year there. I was out running the night before the day we were supposed to have lunch, and I decided I was not giving her a chance. I decided that I need to at least go see her at lunch. Lunch changed my mind about her a lot. Against a close friend's advice (stay at home and do work), I went and spent all my time the next weekend getting to know her better. A month later we went traveling together for a half week trip. We talked every day at first. Then it developed into making sure we could see each other every day. Months later it turned into we spent every day and night together. We worried about my situation and how I'd have to leave eventually, but our decision was to see how things go, and if they're still good by the time I need to go, we can make decisions based on that on whether to continue with a hard long distance relationship, make our relationship more serious and think of relocating, or break it off. We're together today, though at a distance, and she's now my fiancée, so you can guess how things ended up. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]It took some months after I had gotten over my initial grief of having been with someone I hardly knew on the first date for my first time until I had ever thought about her past. It suddenly hit me when recalling the events of that night that it didn't make a lot of sense that I was the only person she was with since her first boyfriend. I just asked her about it, and she always assured me that I was. She said she went out to see people, but at the end of the night it never led to anything. She would assure me, and I felt fine about it for a while. Then some days or weeks later I'd ask again. Again she'd assure me. I always told her she could be honest with me - I'd understand because I know we have different backgrounds. I told her it was in the past anyway, so I didn't care about what she actually did, but I just wanted her to be honest with me about it. I was interested. That's all. Maybe it is none of my business, but at the same time, she was also open to talking about it. She just said there was nothing to say. I didn't mind if she told me something about her old boyfriend (not sexually related, but just in general). She didn't mind if I told her something about girls that I had gone out with (non-sexual relationships for me of course) before then. So though our pasts didn't need to be shared, we always shared them. That's just the way our relationship was. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]The first time we had to be apart for two months was when I had to move a bit far from there to do some more studying somewhere else. We had been going out the better part of a year, and had lived together before I left. I still asked her to tell me the truth occasionally. I just sort of joked about how "there must have been something" and laughed. She always said there wasn't. I figured she couldn't be completely honest with me about it, but I wanted to believe she was. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]One day we talked online and she asked me if I could log into her email and send a message for her (this wasn't uncommon for us). I had to grab something from an old sent mail and resend it. When I did this, I saw some messages from months before I met her. It’s not right to go through someone's stuff, but it was just right out there, and the titles made it too much for me to ignore. I read only enough to ask her about it. She was upset and admitted to me that she had seen two other guys for about a month. One was months before she met me, and she broke off the relationship with the other about a month before she met me. They were both pretty much purely sexual relationships without anything serious in them at all. It was hard for me to face that she lied to me so many times for so long. Being at a distance at the time, we had to struggle through a lot of the bad feelings both of us felt over a webcam. She didn't like to talk about it that much. She said they were bad memories. She said that she was sure if she ever told me, she'd lose me (more correctly, I wouldn't like her anymore). She thought that from the first night when she learned about my own feelings about sex. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]We got through it. But I still didn't feel like she really told me the truth. I ignore it for a long time. But then it started again. I would think about past conversations we'd have and about times when she'd talk about her feelings. It all didn't add up. I wanted to search her stuff and ask her friends. But her friends didn't have any idea about those two other guys anyway. She told me she kept it a secret since neither relationship was really for anything but sex. And it wasn't right to search her emails and chat histories. I started to a couple of times. Then I backed out. I realized too that she had really cleaned up her email account since I had read those first emails. We still let each other access each other's stuff - probably out of laziness more than trust. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]We spend more time together, and finally I went back across the world to go home. Over first couple months of a four month physical separation, I decided I wanted to go back to ask her to marry me. Recently, I did this. But all this time, I was still occasionally asking her for the real truth. She told me that she had already told me the truth. A couple days before we celebrated our engagement, I told her I got a message online when she was logged in but away (she has it auto-login) that disturbed me. I told her that I know she didn't tell me the truth. I was lying. Nothing came up at all. But she admitted to me then that in the time before she met me she had also been with four more guys she hadn't told me about. They were all very short things. She said they weren't even relationships. They met online, went out for drinks, and slept together. She said she understood if I didn't want to marry her anymore. The first think I told her is that she was ridiculous - her past before she met me can't change her past since the day she met me. Though inside, I felt extremely jealous and hurt that she had continued to lie to me. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]The only thing I've blamed her for was lying to me. I told her that she has to be open or it isn't going to work out. We agreed that it was over. There wouldn't be anymore lying, whether it’s about the past or not. I kept wondering how I could trust her this time, since we had made this agreement before. I felt like maybe I shouldn't give her a third chance. At the same time, she had a good reason for not telling me. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]If she had told me the truth on the first night, I would not have been with her that night. I would have seen her again. Though, I have no idea if we would have become as close as we did. Somehow, I doubt it. I feel like she could have told me the truth the first time she changed her story, but then again, I don't know how I would have reacted to her telling me she was with six other guys aside from me and her only other serious relationship when she was much younger. The part I've always been most worried and concerned about is her lying to me. I've told her this. She says she knows it was wrong, but she really thought I wouldn't like her anymore. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]I'll admit that I have been and still am struggling with jealousy because of what she told me. As little sense as it may make, since it was in her past, I find that it bothers me. Especially since we're currently global distance again. Often when I'm not talking to her, I'll feel bad about her past. I also still struggle with her lying to me. I struggle with trying to rebuild trust in her when I ask her about something again. She's not a great liar, but over the time she lied to me about her past, what could I do to make her admit she was lying if she just kept confirming she told the truth - even if it was obvious she wasn't? Once I had confronted her with evidence and the second time I tricked her by lying myself. We both know she's a bad liar now. There was some relief when she told me the truth in knowing that I could tell when she was not honest with me. Sometimes I thought I was going crazy. At least the truth was support of the fact that I know her well enough to know when she's honest with me and when she's not. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]I'm trying to get past the feelings I have. I'm judgmental to her because over some years of my life I had come to hate people who acted the way she acted before meeting me. Even when she met me, on our first night, until we had talked a lot more, she was looking for fun - not a relationship. It’s hard for me; because of the values I've held and continue to hold, to accept that about her. But it is her past. It is my flaw that I must fix in learning to tolerate her past. And it is my responsibility to forgive her for lying to me about it if we want our relationship to continue. Of course, she has some responsibility in being more open with me, and not letting the trust between us get damaged anymore. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]So I guess it is a sort of ironic lesson. The person that I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with was, until I met her, the kind of person I feel hate for. I know the disgust I feel for people who act a certain way is wrong, regardless of if I believe they are doing right or wrong. It isn't right to have hate towards another person. So what better way than to force me to learn to be more tolerant, by forcing me to be more tolerant of the one I love most?[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]I wrote a post a couple days ago as a guest to ask how I should deal with my feelings of jealousy about her past. That post hasn't shown up yet. That's the one question I'd ask others here, is how to deal with those feelings. I know some would say that I'll never be able to let them go, and so it isn't good for me to marry her. But I'm determined. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]Today we had a talk about it. She doesn't like to talk about it at all. She says they're bad memories. I asked her more questions anyway. Part of it is because I want to understand why she made the decisions she made. The other part is that I feel bad that she really feels bad about her past. She told me before that she wished she had waited until she met me and that she wished she hadn't been with guys she didn't have feelings for. She told me she doesn't think what she did was right. I worry about her having regrets. I know they're no fun. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]She told me that actually those guys had been over the course of two years. Originally I had thought they were over six months or so, which just seemed a lot to me. She told me what her life was like at the time. She told me that she wasn't just looking for fun actually, but she didn't expect anything more than fun - while she wanted a relationship, she was pretty sure she'd never get one in the kind of dating she was doing. At the same time, she said, it was good to at least be intimate with someone. I understand. I think it would feel good emotionally for a short time. She said though, that she always felt sad again that she had no one to have a real relationship with. I think that eventually she may have even given up on having one with anyone. I think that when she met me, she had sort of lost hope in finding someone who cares about more than sleeping with her. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]With what she told me today, I thought back about some of our first conversations. I remembered that there were things she was sad about I couldn't understand at the time, because she didn't explain much, and because I didn't know her past yet. I thought about many times in our relationship that we've talked seriously about many things. I don't need to ask her if she's telling the truth anymore. Though it’s hard to explain, the feeling that her story doesn't add up is gone. I understand now. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]Even at this moment, part of me wishes I could go back in time and meet her earlier, and not allow what she regrets to happen. But that isn't right. It is only the past that's led me to be with her now, and so I should not think of changing one bit of it. Instead, I hope now that she can not feel bad about her past. I hope too that I can stop feeling jealous about it. We're both ridiculous because we can't change anything that's happened. But we're both so lucky that we can learn from it now. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]Everyone has different opinions on sex. My fiancée and I are perhaps more conservative. Though she has been more adventurous in the past, she's never felt that is morally right. That's for her to decide. I told her that she's her own person with her own values. She can be open with me about how she feels about anything. I wouldn't leave her because she thought casual sex was okay. I personally think it’s a bad idea. I still remember when I was in high school, I had to write a paper on T.S. Elliot's "The Wasteland", and I read some interpretation in a book that said he was talking about how sex without love can be one of the most painful things. I don't know where the person writing that paper got that idea from. I still don't understand the poem. But I think the person who said that did say something true. That's my own belief. I don't expect her to take that belief as her own. I love her regardless of how she feels about it. But I don't want her to feel regret. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]I want anyone who's struggling with someone's past to know something of my story. I don't know what the right decision to make is when you find out about your significant other's past and it isn't what you expected. But, I know that I would not be with the person I love to day if she had been honest with me on the first date. I don't think lying is right. Neither is judging someone before you know them well. So how do you determine how someone should act? How do you say this person should have done this or this person should have done that? [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]My fiancée never told her friends about the six guys she was with in the two years before she met me because she was embarrassed about having that kind of relationship. But she told her best friend about me the night after we were together. I know that's true. I believe her and agree with her when she told me today "I chose you, that's all you should care about". That's all I should care about. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]When you try to decide whether you should walk away from someone based on their past after you've known them closely for some time, please think about something first. Think about every moment you've spent with that person. Think of how they've treated you and how they've acted toward you. Think of the things that you've shared with each other since you've met. Regardless of what you don't know about that person from before they met you, think of the person they were since the day they met you. When I see my fiancée in those moments in my life, I'm amazed. No one has ever shown me as much care and love as she has. I have to make my decision on those things, because that's who she is now, and that's who she was when she chose to be with me. If you have a similar situation, I'd ask that you weigh your decision discriminately upon the character of the person you've thought you loved before you knew about their past. If you loved that person that you knew before you knew their past, don't walk away. You're giving up what you love if you do. It doesn't make sense. [/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]We're engaged now. I want to get old and fat watching movies on the couch with her every night for the rest of my life. Well, maybe not just that. But definitely the rest of my life part. I'm working on the bad feelings I have about her past. When I think of it, I remember to think of our past together too. That always outweighs everything else. I hope that I can talk to her more during our lives about it, from time to time, until she doesn't have regrets. For now, I think I should let it rest and give her more time. She's insecure sometimes that I still won't like her anymore, or that I'll want to have more experiences with other people before we get married. I assure her that I won't, but just like me, even when you're assured; it is hard to shake bad feelings sometimes. I won't let her down.[/COLOR]

[Javelin]

Wow, I don't want to be rude but, this is one looooooong post!

 

Simply, what's your problem bro?

[lovelorcet]

First point taken... She lied to you and that is not so great...

 

 

On the other hand, by the way you write all this stuff here I am not surprised. You have to accept people for who they are and I am sorry but her past is really not that bad. So she spent some time looking for a bf, well she found you and seems to like you. Get off your moral horse and look at the girl that is standing in front of you NOW.

 

You were too insecure in your youth to go out an nail a few girls, that is your problem. Maybe she was a bit insecure and thought she could hook a guy if she slept with them.

[Kathleen2260]

wow that was long and I admit I didn't read every word but got the gist of it. First of all, if you had more experience, or common sense maybe, you would have realized that someone who is going to take you home with them and have sex with you the first night has almost definately done that with other people as well. I have a guy friend who was so flattered when this woman had sex with him on their first date and then was shocked when she went behind his back and cheated on him by sleeping with someone she'd met online the FIRST TIME she'd met the guy in person. I'm not saying what your fiance did was wrong (the sex part) but the lying part was most definately wrong and while you may have different views on certain things in her past, her lying to you about her past is a red flag and I wouldn't trust her to tell you the truth on other issues. She KNEW your feelings on the subject and you gave her many many opportunities to tell you the truth and she continued to lie to you. I would be more worried about her dishonesty than how many guys she's slept with.

[hummingantelope]

On the other hand, by the way you write all this stuff here I am not surprised. You have to accept people for who they are and I am sorry but her past is really not that bad. So she spent some time looking for a bf, well she found you and seems to like you. Get off your moral horse and look at the girl that is standing in front of you NOW.

 

I agree with you. I didn't know as much as I knew until yesterday about her past and what her life was like when she was seeing guys "for fun". I don't think her past is that bad. I told her the same thing you just said. I told her "you dated around until you found someone - there's nothing abnormal about that". She knows that I'm understanding about it. When I think about it, she didn't do anything wrong at all. The feelings that bother me about it are purely emotional. Regardless of what I think about it, how I feel about it is harder to shake off. So I'm working on it.

 

As for her, you have to take into account something else. I noticed that you're from Europe on the sidebar of your post. I'm originally from U.S. She's from somewhere else that's a bit more conservative. For her, seeing six guys in a couple years and sleeping with them without having a real relationship is not totally socially unacceptable, but she doesn't feel like that's the person she is. The fact is, she never mentioned it to a single friend. The only people who know are her, myself, the guys she was with, and some people she'd chat with on net from time to time that she doesn't know in real life. She also didn't tell those people online that she never told me about her past. They told her she should have told me right away to let me decide. It’s a different culture. People's values are different. I don't want to argue about whether it’s right or wrong to be more sexually open. That's up to individuals to decide.

 

The point here is really that for me, I don't feel what she did is right. But I feel it is her decision, and I accept her. It wouldn't be the right thing for me to do, and she knows now that it wasn't the right thing for her either because in the end it made her feel bad, even before she met me. I know I've done things that don't go along with what I believe before (as I mentioned above, though I've always strived to be a sexually moral person, I looked at pornography for the better part of my life - not as interested any more).

 

So the two problems that need to be solved are me getting rid of feelings that I know don't have a point. I don't want to feel bad about her past. If it wasn't for the way she acted, we wouldn't have met. If she didn't lie to me, we wouldn't be together now. I don't think either of the things she did is right, but it’s the past, and it’s her decision, not mine. What matters is how she acts now.

 

The other problem is how she feels about her past. Like I said, I don't want her to have regrets. I know that she's felt bad about it long before I ever asked her. I only noticed this when talking to her about it, and we started talking about old conversations we had. I knew something bothered her when she first started dating me, even though I was very happy to be with her and never asked about her past. But she never explained what. I never let her actually - I told her she was being stupid for being upset and that she should be happy - I told her I really like being with her and she shouldn't worry about me not liking her. I never knew she felt bad that she lied to me on our first night, my first night being with someone, and that she felt like her lie contributed to my decision to sleep with her.

 

So it doesn't matter if what someone did is "so bad" relative to your values or not. The point is more that in this frame of reference, what she did is bad. Things I did are bad too. I read some of her emails, I pestered her with questions when I shouldn't have, I let the fact I could feel she was lying affect the way I acted toward her sometimes. But it doesn't matter. I'm trying to say what I've learned from this situation. She lied to me for a long time, but I am sure she's honest now, and I don't just forgive her. I even understand that she needed to lie. It is strange too. I can never say lying is good. But I can't say I wish she would have told me the truth when I met her.

 

You were too insecure in your youth to go out an nail a few girls, that is your problem. Maybe she was a bit insecure and thought she could hook a guy if she slept with them.

 

You're a bit off on this one. Yes, perhaps I was insecure, but it isn't a problem at all. I have no regrets about waiting till I found the right person. I guess its luck that I found the right person by "making a mistake" of being with someone on the first date when I didn't know them well. She amazed me a couple days later when we had lunch as a person. That's what hooked me. She knows it too - I didn't act nearly as friendly when I met her that second time to have lunch until we had talked a while and gotten to know each other better.

 

The relationship had to develop for a while, and it turned out to be the best thing in my entire life. I'm glad that I waited to be with her first and hopefully only. I'm not angry that she was with people before me. She told me once she wished she would have waited to meet me. I don't want her to think this way. She couldn't have known she'd meet me. Besides that, if she hadn't been looking for guys when she met me, we wouldn't have met anyway.

 

I've never posted on a site like this because, for one, I know it is harder for me to relate to people here because I hold different values. I think it is right to wait till you're married to have sex. Though my fiancée believes you should only have sex with someone you love and that you know well, despite what she did in the past at one point in her life, she does not think people should wait till they get married. We've talked about it and we both understand each others' point of view.

 

But we choose to disagree. That's part of getting along with someone. I'd hope that others here can understand that there are differences between the values of most posters here, who are mostly more sexually open from what I've read, and my fiancée and I, who may feel differently. I'd ask that you'd look at what we think is "that bad" or "good" relative to how we feel about it, and not argue about that specifically, but look at the point I'm trying to make, as inconclusive as it may be.

 

I think that people should not lie about their past. At the same time, those finding out about someone's past should judge them based on the person they are, and not by how they've acted before. I know people like to quote "Dr. Phil" on here, who strangely enough, in university psychology textbooks is given as an example of a "quack" (yes, I didn't know it was a serious word either), about the past of a person being the best predictor of their future. If anything, people need to take relationships slower.

 

Get to know a person for who they are. If no one ever gives anyone a chance based on their past, there'd be a lot of people stuck. Lying isn't the right way to get unstuck either. No one should have to lie. My fiancée and I faced both of these flaws, and both came close to ending our relationship several times. I'm going to marry her now, and I'm so glad that I'm with the greatest girl in the world.

 

I know that other people struggle with similar issues, and the response guys usually get is "you shouldn't judge her; you're probably not so good yourself". As many forum posts as I read that said that to people, it never helped me one bit to hear it. So I hope to anyone who isn't comforted by a "get off your high moral horse" response can find something here that helps.