Trust and Control

[plains_wanderer]

Forgive me if I summarize roughly. It's late and I'm worn out.

My GF is very controlling of her environment, due not a little bit to a traumatic event in her past. In addition, the family she grew up in was cold and emotion was looked down on. Now, she's in a relationship with me and I love her to death. I can definitely see us together for a long time--living, loving and being good for each other.

The problem is this: she spends time with a friend that I've not been allowed to meet. This friend is male and in an open relationship. My GF insists that she has no feelings for this guy and would never cheat on me and I believe her 95%. The problem is that she refuses to budge on helping me winnow down that other 5%. Only after hours and hours of long, long discussion has she relented to a "quick hello" sort of meeting--no discussion, no sit-down over coffee, nothing like that. Just Hi and goodbye. When I ask her if we can have a conversation over coffee or something she says, "maybe in a few weeks or months." Her argument is that I might cause a scene with my jealousy and that it would also set a precedent of me 'screening' her friends.

She says I'm trying to control her life.

She's agreed to join me in couples therapy, but I'm so [COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR]ing scared.

Has anybody overcome this sort of issue before? Am I wrong for wanting to meet this guy for a conversation? Which way does the balance swing when on one side we have (worst case scenario) me making a scene and creating an awkward moment between her and her friend and on the other side me continuing to be confused and hurt and distrustful? Is this issue really all about me--I'm I the one with the problem here?

I'm trying and I'm trying to make her realize how dire this situation really is. I will love her no matter what and I will take care of whatever needs taken care of to make sure she's not left high and dry in ANY case. I can even get over her having a relationship with this guy. At least then we could work on our relationship or call it quits. But this uncertainty and this secrecy and the way her need for control cuts me out of parts of her life is driving me crazy.

I'm not at the end of my rope yet, but I'm coming close.

I'm scared and I'm hurting and my only hope is that a professional will be able to help us but failing that, I need to know that I'm not alone.

Please refrain from speculating on whether or not my GF is cheating; aside from it being an unknowable quantity, I don't have the stomach to read that sort of thing.

Thanks.

Plains_wanderer

 

[Madeamistake]

Hey Bro!

 

I think you have every right to meet this friend of hers. Look, in a relationship, you both need to be comfortable with each other and each other's friends.

 

That is all I can say.

[bluechocolate]

The problem is this: she spends time with a friend that I've not been allowed to meet.

 

That is indeed a problem & one I certainly wouldn't countenance in a supposedly committed relationship.

[dropdeadlegs]

Why would you make an embarrassing scene over jealousy if there is nothing to be jealous of? There is physical cheating and there is emotional cheating. What is her definition of cheating?

 

Those are my questions.

 

You have a right to be concerned, confused, and to have a need to get past it. Anything that is secretive about a partners behavior makes us suspect. While admitting the friendship is open, keeping him a strict part of her life when he is a male and in an open relationship is a bit "secretive." That shouldn't take couples therapy to solve, meeting him and being involved

might do the trick. There may be other issues, like control, that could benefit from the therapy, though.

 

I do have a few male friends and my BF has a few female friends. We do see them independently now and then, but we also see them together and we both know the parties pretty well. For the most part I try not to have independent meetings with other men very often. It just seems disrespectful in some way. I would not want him to doubt me in any way and prefer to keep any idea of distrust at bay. It's not hard to do, I don't feel it's about control in any way.

[Cecelius]

The other problem is that you are letting her call the tune. Without encouraging you to be a Neanderthal about it, you should have simply laid down what you were willing to deal with, and what you weren't. No anger, jealousy or otherwise -- just simple, straight understanding of the way it is going to be.

 

Now she's got you negotiating for scraps of discretion on something she shouldn't be doing in the first place.

 

Stop being so understanding, stop being controlling. If she's going to do something that is not okay with you, let her know that, let her know it is not in your picture for that kind of thing to happen, and if she does it, walk away. No big chats, nothing silly, just get out with your pride