Delenn Posted November 19, 1999 Share Posted November 19, 1999 I was molested as a small child and am now 20. I have never been able to have physical contact (holding hands, huging, kissing) at all with anyone. It makes me feel sick. I have dated afew guys, but no one I liked. My question is: if I meet a guy I like, he will oviously wonder why I dont want any physical contact. Should I tell him the truth or what? Delenn Link to post Share on other sites
Guy Posted November 19, 1999 Share Posted November 19, 1999 I'm kind of hesitant to give advice on this type of issue as I cannot possibly understand what it's like in your situation...but here goes. I'd seek councelling. It's going to be very difficult to maintain a relationship without any phsyical aspect whatsoever. And if you do explain it to a potential boyfriend he may be sympathetic and understanding about it but it will still be an issue that will need to be resolved before the two of you can have a healthy and fullfilling love life. It sounds like your past has left you with some real issues and it may take professional help for you to heal. I was molested as a small child and am now 20. I have never been able to have physical contact (holding hands, huging, kissing) at all with anyone. It makes me feel sick. I have dated afew guys, but no one I liked. My question is: if I meet a guy I like, he will oviously wonder why I dont want any physical contact. Should I tell him the truth or what? Delenn Link to post Share on other sites
Cici Posted November 19, 1999 Share Posted November 19, 1999 Hi Delenn, I was also molested as a small child and sexually assaulted twice as a teenager. I had problems with intimacy until I was about 19. The thing about this sort of problem is that it is hard to explain to someone you just met that holding you hand or putting and arm around you is uncomfortable. I had a lot of problems dating...a series of short-lived, superficial relationships...until I went to a therapist. I actually went for other reasons...substance abuse, depression, but these were just symptoms of the bigger problem: my failure to deal with my own issues. You CAN get over these things and have a normal healthy sexual relatinoship with someone, if you want. I find now that I'm very affectionate and enjoy cuddling and holding hands. it's no longer an issue for me and I'm free from all those men's shadows now. Consider seeing a counselor... Good luck! I was molested as a small child and am now 20. I have never been able to have physical contact (holding hands, huging, kissing) at all with anyone. It makes me feel sick. I have dated afew guys, but no one I liked. My question is: if I meet a guy I like, he will oviously wonder why I dont want any physical contact. Should I tell him the truth or what? Delenn Link to post Share on other sites
Delenn Posted November 19, 1999 Share Posted November 19, 1999 I can not talk to my psyciatrist about this. I am too ashamed, there is no way I could ever tell her. But I would apreateate any advice anyone here can give me. Delenn Link to post Share on other sites
Guy Posted November 19, 1999 Share Posted November 19, 1999 Well I really think you're taking a lot on here by yourself but it's your decision to make. The truth is your avoidance of physical contact is a form of denial. It's a post traumatic type of a thing. Intimate contact serves as a reminder so supressing it is a way of avoiding dealing with your emotions. Though it's not the same many women who undergo abortions deal with a similar trauma and it can take years for them to realize what is going on. If you're going to do it on your own I'd say take it slow. You don't necessarily have to tell a new boyfriend everything that happened but you will probably at least have to explain that you've been hurt in the past and it will take time for you to be able to be close to someone. Then work on one thing at a time. Holding hands, arm around the shoulder, a kiss, one thing at a time and just see if you can get comfortable with some little things for starters. The important thing is to not feel pressured or get defensive. And remember it's not going to be easy. And I'd still say if you are totally unable to deal with hugging/kissing/etc that you should definately rethink getting some help because I have doubts as to whether you'll be able to overcome this until you've opened up. Not wanting to talk about it because you'll be embarassed is another way of refusing to deal with it. Like I said before I don't have experience with your problem but I have had my own fairly traumatic experience and I can say that sooner or later you have to take the full brunt of the pain. But once you make it through that things will get better. Good luck whatever you decide to do. I can not talk to my psyciatrist about this. I am too ashamed, there is no way I could ever tell her. But I would apreateate any advice anyone here can give me. Delenn Link to post Share on other sites
barbielowe Posted November 19, 1999 Share Posted November 19, 1999 deleen i feel so sorry for you i can't say i know how you feel because that has never happen to me before. if you really like this guy and he likes you as well i say explain to him but do it when you are ready. hey you know you he may be a good listner and give you the support you need. well also if you want to make a serious relationship with this guy that will lead to many years down the road together and he feels the same way then i say explain a realtionship with no sercets is one that will last.. I was molested as a small child and am now 20. I have never been able to have physical contact (holding hands, huging, kissing) at all with anyone. It makes me feel sick. I have dated afew guys, but no one I liked. My question is: if I meet a guy I like, he will oviously wonder why I dont want any physical contact. Should I tell him the truth or what? Delenn Link to post Share on other sites
Lynn Posted November 21, 1999 Share Posted November 21, 1999 I've been through a similar experience. If you're determined not to get help from your counselor/psychiatrist that's your own decision. but it will make it more difficult. If you find someone you really care about, sooner or later you will have to explain to him that you were hurt in the past. Hopefully you'll trust him enough to tell him this, and he'll be trustworthy and supportive. You just need to recognize that the guy you like is different from the people of your past. you need to learn to trust him - and that's not going to be easy. But you have to in order for anything to be resolved. Like Guy said, take it slowly- very slowly. If the man you love is worth it, he'll be patient and help you along... but nobody will wait forever. I'm praying for you- Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
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