Should I sent my friend a valentines card?

[ocset]

Right, the back ground first.....

 

I developed a faily good friendship with a collegue several years ago, we went for the occaisonal bike but didn't doing anything more than that - we were just workmate who were friends.

I was seeing a girl at the time (who accused us of having an affair); and it all got a bit nasty. My collegue changed jobs at around the same time, we kept in touch but kinda driffted apart and didnt go for walk or ride again.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 2yrs around 18months ago, about 7 months after that I started seeing more of my ex collegue again, going for walks and bike rides and we getting on well. She asked me to goto yoga with her, guitar lessons, squash, salsa lessons, welsh lessons.....

(She's around 12 years older than me), around christmas it struck me that I found her attractive and was really starting to fall for her. She invitted me to her families for New years, which I did and we enjoyed. And she also came out for my 30th birthday earlier this month, which is something all but one of my other friends didnt do.

 

I'm not really very good with 'reading' women, i think she flirts with me, She sends me txt's with x's on and sent me a xmas and birthday card with 'love' on it ( this is something i'm not used to). She touches my knee and arm when talking.

 

At the same time I've felt that she is seemingly drifting away, her texts are less frequent, but still with 'x', she said that she's finding them expensive at the moment. But she does ring me and email me in work. I'd like to think its because she's studying for a qualification and has alot of work on at the moment but I cant help but feel jealous. I asked her to dinner before christmas to which she said "....when are we going?" but has avoided the question since. I asked her again on Sunday and she said yes for friday - which she has now cancelled as she said she short of money and has to go to the Vets (she does have a sick dog).

 

She also has to go away on a study weekend soon, so I offered to look after her dog (If she'd trust me) and she said there not many people she would trust but I was one of them.

 

I recently won cinema tickets and asked her - she said she'd come.

 

She said that we could go for a bike ride on the weekend, which I said yes to, I just want to spend time with her, I wouldn't mind just cuddling on the sofa just to be with her.

 

I hate the feeling of jealousy that i've got, its not something I had with my girlfriend of 2 years when she was out of didnt txt me.

 

Right.... to the point........

 

Should I send a valentines card to her?? I've carefully selected one which is not all undying love etc - its just says:

 

You're very special to me on valentines day.... and always.

It means alot to have someone special in my life. Thanks for being the someone for me.

 

And was going to write - To ___ Happy Valentines Day, what ever your plans I hope you have a great evening....and If you've not got plans, call me!!

love u

xxx

 

What should I do? Help!

 

Do you think she likes me?

Do you think I should send the card?

What do you think I should write or should I get a different card?

I want to tell her I like her, but I dont wnat to loose her as a friend, as I really enjoy the things we are doing.

[Art_Critic]

I think you need to spend more time with her.. VD day is 2 weeks away..

Then if you are feeling the vibes send her a card.. but leave the lovey dovey stuff out it..

VD day is a day for lovers and if she isn't feeling it with you then you are making a mistake

[ocset]

Then if you are feeling the vibes send her a card.. but leave the lovey dovey stuff out it..

VD day is a day for lovers and if she isn't feeling it with you then you are making a mistake

 

I was thinking that but was unsure, i'll pack the card away for another year!

 

Think I'll just have to try been a bit more flirtty but not so in her face as a V'Day card; so she at least gets a hint I like her. thanks for the advice

[Raleuse]

If you are 30 and she's 12ish years older, she must be around 42 (hey, good at maths me ). She probably thinks a man should be making the first move, especially a younger guy - to show he's really interested as older women often doubt they can be attractive to younger men.

 

I'm not sure how a card would ruin the friendship unless your feelings for her are such you could not settle for this. If that's the case, your feelings are already in the way of your friendship.

 

Funny that your story is so alike mine (down to the b'day do) with the big difference I'm the older woman but the one with the feelings and I already know where I stand (just friends).

 

I hope it all works out for the best for you both.

[Road Rage]

ocset

 

Seems to me this gal was interested in a relationship with you. But, somewhat cautious, probably because of the age difference. She probably realized it would be up to you to make up your mind about the whole thing.

 

 

It is coming across to her you could never really make up your mind about her and now, on her part, the glow is starting to fade. And, in most cases with a woman, once you have miseed that window of opportunity, it becomes rough sailing.

 

You could send the Valentines card but somehow methinks the door has closed. When she looks in the mirror now she sees an aging woman who got caught up in a fantasy about a younger guy really falling for her.

[ocset]

Thanks Raleuse, I'll wait until closer to the day about sending a card, I've not felt this way about someone since 'my first love', she maybe in her 40's but she is still a very attractive (everybody, including me when 1st met her, think she's in her 30's) and fun person to be with. Despite of this, if friendship is all its to be then I guess i'll have to settle for that.

 

Raleuse, as a lady in a simular age group, would your expectations be for the man to make the move?

Would you be offended by it?

My ex used to say I was a very cold person and wanted everything my way,so I tried changing my attitude to things and would say - "would u like to do something?" as opposed to "would you like to go to see Last king of scotland?" - does this make me look undesicive? or interested in her opinions?

 

I know she's lived a much fuller life than I (lived abroad, been married, been russia and canada)

 

We are supposed to be going for a bike ride this weekend so I'll see how this goes, and try pursuade her to watch a DVD n glaass wine in the evening. There is also a play coming soon of one of her favourite books so I think i'll get her some tickets for that-and hope she says yes!

 

May previous relationship has made me very wary of things, this just compounds my cronic shyness.

 

I think I'm coming out of my shell a little, but I hope its not to late (as road rage has suggested) - i'd have never have imagines going to guitar lessons or dance lessons before spending this time with her.

 

Thank you both for your advice. Best wishes to you.

[TheDC]

Do you think she likes me?

Yes

Do you think I should send the card?

Yes

What do you think I should write or should I get a different card?

What you wrote seems fine, if she doesn't reciprocate it is vague enough to just be about friendship but has enough feeling to mean more.

I want to tell her I like her, but I dont wnat to loose her as a friend, as I really enjoy the things we are doing.

I think that if you tell her your true feelings and she can't reciprocate then she will have an easier time staying friends with you that you'll have staying friends with her. Men find it much more difficult to remain friends with women that they have feelings for.

 

From everything you have described I'd say she is into you and is really just waiting for you to make the first move. I'd invite her over to your place for supper, she is short of cash so she'll have no excuse other than prior commitments or study requirements. Watch a movie or something and then just make your move.

 

You can't fear what you will lose when you have so much to gain. If you never make the attempt then she'll find someone who will and you'll be miserable. I was in the same boat as you (younger woman though) I was scared of losing a friend but I knew that if I didn't make a move that eventually she'd date some guy who wasn't afraid and I'd have blown my chance.

 

To paraphrase FDR the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

[Raleuse]

Raleuse, as a lady in a simular age group, would your expectations be for the man to make the move?

Would you be offended by it?

My ex used to say I was a very cold person and wanted everything my way,so I tried changing my attitude to things and would say - "would u like to do something?" as opposed to "would you like to go to see Last king of scotland?" - does this make me look undesicive? or interested in her opinions?

...

I think I'm coming out of my shell a little, but I hope its not to late (as road rage has suggested) - i'd have never have imagines going to guitar lessons or dance lessons before spending this time with her...

 

I'm actually in my early 30s but the age-gap is similar. Yes, I would expect for the man to make the move, especially if he is much younger and I would be flattered, not offended. When I started developing feelings for my friend, I kind of freaked (that's it, I'm defo going mad like) and researched the subject of age-gaps. Apparently the golden rule is to give the younger man plenty of time to make up his mind (for example he does need to realise his same age friends and/or family may not approve and that such a relationship is more work) and let him do the first move. It's also a way to avoid younger men who are just after "experience".

 

Unfortunately, altho I let my friend make the first move, we did rush into things and he realised only later we were really too different (I was too infatuated to see this) and it was all too complicated for him so I am now conveniently "friendzoned". It is not always easy (I have written enough posts about it) - it never is for the "rejected" one, whether man or woman.

 

Now, I don't agree with your ex. She was the one being controlling I feel. If you are already on the shy side, you will come across as undecisive. I mean if you suggest something as politely as you wrote it in you post, your friend should really appreciate you sharing your ideas and she can always answer yes or no. Plus, you have to be yourself. I personally would have more problems with your being cold but that's because I like warmth

 

I don't think it's too late. Women over 35 are more patient (I'm getting there ) I think and take the time to build the foundations of a relationship so the time spent building your friendship was anything but lost.

[Raleuse]

Trying to delete but it won't let me - I can only edit.

[ocset]

I'm actually in my early 30s but the age-gap is similar.

 

Eek - my apologies Raleuse. I assumed... well I assumed incorrectly ( I have a habit of doing that!)

 

Once again thanks for the advice. We're going for a walk now tomorrow instead (unfortunately her (female)friend wants to come aswell) - I dont know if that is good or bad?

 

She's involving me with her circle of friends - which I've read is good.

BUT

We've always gone walking as just the two of us in the past.

 

I think that we've got quite a few things in common, whether its enough or if its my 'feeling' making me think that we have more in common than we really do I dont know.

 

I do hope you are right TheDC. I'd love to ask her round for a film and a drink, but unfortunately, I currently living with my parents, but I back looking for a house. So I always seem like I invading her space, which altough I like been with her always makes me feel a little awkward as I know that she likes her own space.

 

When I was talking to her a while ago she was saying that her friends are trying to get her to date but she didnt want to, so I dont know if that was a hint to me.

 

sounding selfish - she is really good for me, I'm doing things now where i was just going for drives by myself. (but at the same time bad as I find it hard to concentrate and I hate feeling jealous I find I get sometimes).

 

She is taking her sick dog to the vet this evening - so I txt her

 

Hope all goes well for **** with the vet; shes like her owner - a lovely lady - as opposed to a wet nose and shiney coat - wink! i do hope she ok. see you 2moz. Nite x

 

She hasnt replied...(yet, I hope). I going get tickets to Life of Pi (the play) soon, I know her sister really liked the book aswell so wondered if I she get two tickets and give them to her as a gift or get 4 and ask her to come with me and offer her the other tickets to her sister and her brother in law?

 

Another thing which makes me a bit nervous is that a was head over heals with the first girl I dated, we went out a few times and then she text me to say she just wanted to be friends - which we were for several years until she passed away this christmas. And I did find that difficult becasue she knew i liked her she would feel awkward and as such we kept in contact but never really did things with each other. I dont want to end up in that situation, but its something that is very likely.

 

I know i a bit of a hopeless case!! but any advice is gratefully accepted.

[ocset]

Well we went for a 2hr walk this morning @ 9am, me, her and her female friend. She was joking and smiling at me at would touch my arm as well when she speaking to me.

I asked her at the end of the walk if she'd like to do something later or tomorrow, she said she couldn't tonight as she busy as she shopping then she got her assignment (I know i shouldn't think it but I feel that she probably out to pub wit her friend), but she said she'd text me.

 

At about 13:30 I text her to say that if she decided to take a break to give me a call - could go for drink or watch a dvd. And also asking her if she'd like to go for a walk tomorrow morning and then goto lunch together as my treat - (she normally has lunch with her mother - but she is on hols) "...she could get the next 1!..." - I didnt want to seem condescending to her -- or do something else if she'd prefer. I've had no response.

 

I really dont know what to think. My stomach is in knots constantly, I'd love to do something with her - even jus as friends. I getting very depressed with it.

[Raleuse]

And stop being so stressed about it as you are becoming slightly obsessive (I know, I'm the same). When she says she'll text later, don't text her first, she is an independent woman and needs her space IMO. On the other hand, texting her about her dog was very nice (something my friends would do) and I'd have been slightly put off not to receive at least a "thank you" text - but that's how I am: need constant reassurance.

 

Also, she may very well have said she didn't want to date on purpose. Because she is reading your numerous signs of wanting more and wants to make sure you don't put your hopes up. Also the fact she is including you in your circle of friends is a good thing in that she really values your friendship but may also mean she's already friendzoned you.

 

There is no way for me to tell you if she'd be interested in a romantic relationship or not. I'm not in her head. But whether before or after Valentine's day, you will need to have a chat with her and tell her how you feel and ask how she feels. Otherwise you'll keep seeing every friendly gesture as 'encouragement' for a romantic relationship but never be sure. In other words, you'll remain confused.

[ocset]

I know and I can see myself becoming that way and I'm trying to stop me!

 

And I know you're right about waiting for her to text first -- I guess i;m insecure and feel if I dont txt her then there wont be a text back. Again - ive got to stop myself.

 

one thing which is confusing is when I was 'strong' and didnt text her the next day she complained - "saying where was my text????"

 

Could you please explain "friendzoned" as Ive seen it mentioned a few times and dont really understand.

 

And I really am confused but thats me!

 

Once again thanks for the advice.

[Guest]

^ pretty sure "friendzoned" means she just wants you/likes you as a friend... somebody to be around and do stuff but not like date stuff

[ocset]

thx guys! Your help and advice is gratefully accepted.

[ocset]

Well I bit the bullet so to speak and gave her a card & a wee small box of chocs - she didnt run away or scream "noooo" - which I think is good. I changed my mind on the card on got a different one - it was "To someone special" "....with love on valentines day."

 

And she still talking to me - she txt me later on the 14th to say:-

 

"Well i b fat happy & merry & it all tks 2u - ta chuck x"

 

She not text me much since but did speak to me on the phone in work for about 30mins (which I know we shouldnt really do).

Well keeping my fingers crossed. I think she very much likes her own space, so I dont want to impose on her so I think taking it slowly is the best approach, my biggest worry then though is that i'll either end up firmly in the 'friendzone' or she'll fall for someone else.

[Raleuse]

Thanks for letting us know how it went. It doesn't look bad in that she could have told you off. Still her reaction isn't exactly what you'd hoped for either -- Am guessing you would have liked her to just say she felt the same. I'd concentrate on that friendship on yours and see if she makes any move towards something more. If you still don't know what she wants after a while, ask her point blank. You do run the risk of ruining the friendship (things becoming awkward for her as well - they already are for you) but then, how long can you stay friends with someone while you have the kind of feelings you have? I can tell you the frustration does make one moody and annoying or even clingy (to state my friend).

[ocset]

Hi Raleuse. Yes, I'd have liked her to say something more or to have a card for me, but it could have been worse.

 

I meet her whilst shopping on the weekend for a coffee, I also asked if she wanted to come with me to Germany for the weekend - I'm going by myself and its all paid for so she'd just have to pay for a room for her. She said that really would really like to and she'd have to think as she needs a dog sitter. She said she'd like to do things together.

 

I can tell you the frustration does make one moody and annoying or even clingy (to state my friend).

 

I know and I fear that i'll get that way, so I try to cut back on the contact with her; when I dont text her she texts me with something like

"You not speaking then, what you up to?.... x" - as she did last night asking where her pancakes were as well...

 

I'm still just going to concentrate on being a good friend and flirt and hopefully she'll see ( and feel the same way) that I have genuinely am attracted to her and want/enjoy time with her. My previous relationship has left me with alot of bagage which I am trying to get rid of.

 

A few times she's asked me about my ex and if I would get back with her, I've clearly stated that I wouldn't and infact that i'd wouldnt want any contact with my ex.

 

I've asked her out for saturday night - even though I'd miss the rugby international! (self sacrifice - lol) - she said yes - but then she's said yes to thinks before then rained off at last min. (Though she does that to her other friends as well). She has got an awful lot on her plate at the moment.

 

Thnx Raleuse.

[Pretty Fly]

I've been in this situation before, so I know how you feel. And it didn't work out how I wanted it. So this is from my own experience...

I don't want to put a downer on the situation (and I don't know all the details so I could be wrong) but when a girl really wants to be with you, the little things don't get in the way (eg finding a dog-sitter) and it's generally obvious in their actions that they are interested. Plus I think she knows how the valentines card was meant to be intended. She's probably flattered, but does just want to be your friend.

So let me give you this piece of advice- don't put all your eggs in one basket. Don't be closed off to new opportunites with new women that come into your life just because you think it may push this one away or because you want to be available, either to hang out with her or single for when she "realises" how she feels (or how you want her to feel). There are a lot women in the world and more than likely more than just this one that can make you happy.