Starting over

[bluemac]

Hello guys

 

I thought I would post here in the hope that someone may be able to offer a little advice.

 

Brief background...

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years this coming April (anniversary is on my Birthday). Absolutely smitten with each other. The way we met, well I believe we met for a reason and we are meant to be. Such an open, loving, committed relationship. He fitted in so well with my entire family, my parents love him like a son, my friends adore him. Two years ago he had a bad accident and he got a bit of a head injury. Since that time I have noticed slight personality changes. He is usually so easy going and carefree, but I have noticed he becomes irritable more often and is less patient. He has also suffered with lack of sleep.

 

We spent most of our time with each other and had planned to get a home together. However, during the last few months we didn't really go out much and I guess had become too complacent and 'comfortable' with each other. You know, not making an effort. And our sex life has been pretty non existent, through no valid reason really.

 

At the end of November we had a phone conversation instigated by him. He was distraught, so cut up. Said he felt things had gone too stale. Still loved me but very mixed up. I was obviously too upset for words. I talked to him the night after and we decided to try and start 'dating' again and having fun. Since that time (10 weeks ago) I have seen him once a week and we go out, but only see each other for a couple of hours. From my perspective, not having him around has been horrendous. I feel like a part of me has died. I can not even describe the torture. Nearly every minute is spent overthinking our situation. Now, cut to the current state of play. I have been talking this through with people but he has not been talking to anybody about it and it is all bottled up. Every time I see him we get on so well, have a laugh and a giggle, things feel 'right'. But he won't talk about the 'problem'. Whenever I bring it up he says that he feels he is at rock bottom and his mind is negative and fears that the old him has gone. I asked him if he was depressed. He said he wasn't but did admit to "being at rock bottom". He says he is in two minds. That he wants to follow his heart but his 'demon's' keep rearing their ugly head. I believe he has fear from years back when he was left totally destroyed by a girl. I am his first serious relationship since that time. He says he wants to be with me and loves me, but he has never been in this situation before so he doesn't know what to do and doesn't feel like he's in control. I told him that I am there for him, I am not giving up on him. I love him too much and genuinely feel we are right for each other. I told him that I would help get us out of this. I have been suggesting different dates and he has been happy for me to do this. This Saturday night I have booked a nice hotel room for us both which has a nice pool and spa where we can relax. I think we need to rediscover each other and spend quality time as a couple, as we had most probably (without meaning to) grown apart. He says that he doesn't want us to jump right back in where we were as we may end up in the same position. He wants to do things slowly, almost rebuild. Is this possible do you think?

 

So has anybody been in a similar situation? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

 

I know I said this was going to be brief, but I'm sorry! It helps to let it out.

 

Thanks x

[thecount]

Anything is possible. You both have to want it. This once a week thing, does it work for you? Are you happy with the way your relationship is going. You have to remember something dear. You're in this too, and it looks like you're doing all the giving,(trying) and he's just in it for the ride.

Has he tride to do anything special? or are you making all the effort?

 

This let's take it slow thing, It never worked for me. Once someone tells me lets take it slow. It's usualy the end. because you're doing all the trying. You still love him the sameway you always had. He changed, You can't make someone love you.

 

I suggest you start making plans without him. I think he would start to come around. You are being too caring to him, and he knows that you're always going to be there. I think that once he sees that you're getting fat up with the situation, he'll come around. They always do my dear. By then it just might be too late for him.

 

Never know what you got till it's gone.

 

Good luck

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

i think that what thecount said is true you are doing 2 most of the effort its like your the only one in this relationship...if your ex or w.e he is now needs his space to think things dont try to be with him 2 much...i am in a similar positon..i am starting over with my bf we didnt break up but we are trying to forget the past that almost made us fall apart from each other....we are taking things slow and acting like a new couple except closer...because we have learned from our mistakes and realised them...and have made our relationship stronger and honestly we are happier...i feel more relieved and hes being more attentive with me it feels great...!!

 

while you give him his space let him know that you arent like that girl who broke his heart before let him know you love him and that is why you want to give him his time to think...like thecount said he will come around if he loves you..

 

good luck

[bluemac]

Thank you both for your sound advice. Thecount...the once a week thing is killing me as I miss him so much. At the moment I feel like I have to give him space but at the same time it's so damn hard. I feel like my head is going to explode sometimes with the constant thinking! Why doesn't our brain come pre-installed with an on/off switch?!

 

Da_1_n_OnlyN3na...I'm so glad that everything is working well for you, but if you don't mind me prying, I'd be very interested in any sort of tips really. Although I totally know that every situation is so different. I mean, we both accepted that we had reached a point where we didn't do anything exciting together, and were living in a 'Groundhog Day' set up, if that makes sense.