He asked me to marry him...

[SpyderBaby]

After a huge bust up the weekend before last (20th Jan), my boyfriend asked me to marry him. We have just had a baby and over the past few months we've not been doing so good (go read my previous post for more details). He told me he wasnt sure what he wanted. Anyway, again he started acting weird and I got him to sit down and talk to me. He told me that he more doesnt want to be with me than he does but still doesnt know if he wants us to finish for good (he told me hes hoping to see if his feelings come back altogether and not just periodically). We both just despair at this situation. He knows I won't wait around for him forever, and he does still care about me. I just cant understand why he acts like this. I have always thought that we never spent enough alone time with each other during our relationship. We went out every weekend but we always went out with friends. I am staying at his this weekend as his mother wants me to with the baby, my boyfriend is sleeping on the couch. His mother has offered to take the baby and let us go out on our own for a change to see if that can sort things out or at least put us back on track- this poor woman wants us to sort things out so badly.

 

Would a bit of time to ourselves bring anything back? We just cant seem to make a clean break, no matter how often we've tried. However, whenever another guy expresses an interest in me, he gets jealous and starts fights with them, saying "shes mine" to them. Is he just jealous, possessive, does he realise at moments like that he still wants me or whats going on? We've been together a year and 3 months.

[taylor]

Don't marry him now. He is not ready. He is still unsure of his feelings and what he wants. He is asking you to marry him because he is trying to "force" the relationship. He's asking you to marry him because he thinks it's the "right" thing to do, not because his heart wants to.

 

You and your boyfriend need to spend time together and you need to take alot of time to sort out your feelings for each other before you can make a decision about marriage. You owe it to your baby to make 100 percent sure getting married is the right thing to do. It may not be. If you rush into marriage and then realize it was a mistake, you will not only hurt each other, you will be hurting your baby.

 

It sounds as if you and your boyfriend really didn't get a chance to get to know each other intimately (I don't mean sex) as a couple before a baby became a factor in your lives. You didn't get a chance to build your relationship and form a strong bond as a couple before you had to start turning your attention and focus on the baby. You do need to spend time alone with each other - no baby, no friends, etc. That is how you and your boyfriend will know if you are meant to be together. Time together will either draw you closer to one another or make you realize you aren't meant to be together.

 

Another thing to consider is your boyfriend may be having a difficult time dealing with the fact that he is a new father with responsibilities and it all happened pretty fast. He may need some time to adjust to the whole idea of "being a father with a family to care for." He probably didn't bargain for all that when he started dating you.

 

How old are the two of you, anyways?

 

It is wonderful his mother is willing to help out. Take advantage of her generosity (but don't take advantage of her). She knows the stress a new baby can have on any relationship. She wants things to get resolved because she knows it's in the best interest of the baby. She must think you and her son need to spend time together, too, or she wouldn't be offering to give you that opportunity by babysitting.

 

You and your boyfriend owe it to your baby to try to resolve your feelings for each other. The way I see it you love him but you don't want to marry him unless he is 100 percent sure he wants to do the same thing. He has strong feelings for you but is not 100 percent sure right now how deep his feelings are. He "has" you but he is not sure he wants to "keep" you. Spend time together. He will figure it out.

 

The reason he is "jealous" and starting fights with other men is because he does have strong feelings for you and you are the mother of his child. He may be undecided as to exactly how strongly he feels about you but until he does decide, he surely doesn't want some other man to come along and "make his decision for him" by snatching you away from him.

 

Good Luck to you and your baby.

[Grrlish]

After a huge bust up the weekend before last (20th Jan), my boyfriend asked me to marry him. We have just had a baby and over the past few months we've not been doing so good (go read my previous post for more details). He told me he wasnt sure what he wanted. Anyway, again he started acting weird and I got him to sit down and talk to me. He told me that he more doesnt want to be with me than he does but still doesnt know if he wants us to finish for good (he told me hes hoping to see if his feelings come back altogether and not just periodically).

 

With this said, I wouldn't even consider marrying him (right now). Marriage is hard enough without one (or both) partners not being certain that it's what they want to do. And that they love and want to be with the other person.

 

I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't sure that they want to be with me.